Charles Neville Buck

“ Yet here before him, in the full glare of the acetylene lamps, she stood eying him like an offended young goddess, precisely as though he were responsible and she meant to punish him. Mr. Burrow had not arranged his battle-front to receive that type of enemy. It dawned upon him that this was a very brave young woman and, although he admitted it reluctantly, a very beautiful young woman. ”

“ Burrow fell silent. To have one’s tenderest declarations pronounced comedy by a critic one is not at liberty to contradict, is disconcerting.
Then they came to the embankment and were instructed to climb up. On the railroad track they saw three men. One was an elderly gentleman in rusty clerical garb. One was a tall man of a younger generation, but the salient feature of the situation was that between them they supported a third person. Despite mud-smeared clothes and demoralized personal appearance, this third person was clearly recognizable to bride-elect and best man as Mr. Lewis Copewell. ”

“ Burrow shrugged his shoulders.
“My dear Miss Asheton,” he began with weak defiance, yet feeling that she had put him on the defensive, “might I remind you that this is not my funer—that is to say, my wedding? All I can learn is that he left Mercerville, and did not arrive here. The question which now suggests itself to me, is this: What are the functions of a best man when there is no marriage?” ”

“ Burrow. “You passed up a trip to Europe and left aunty waiting in Mercerville. I came here to get you married, and passed up a Ninth Ward meeting in Mercerville. That wedding must take place!”
Her eyes gazed out at the road, under brows wrinkled with bewilderment.
Mr. Burrow looked at her a moment in silence, then spoke with great impressiveness.
“A woman owes it to herself to marry the best man obtainable. I am, in my official capacity, the best man. Marry me. I am very much at your service, and it may not be irrelevant to add that I love you.” ”

“ Burrow had the military mind. The military mind can not pause to consider the feelings of the enemy. Decimation is painful to an army but desirable to the attacking general. The military mind sees and pursues one object. Mr. Burrow’s one object was to rid himself of a superfluous young female. It was the same thing that makes some warriors slay prisoners rather than be burdened with them on the march.
For an appreciable space of time the Hon. Alexander Hamilton Burrow eyed Miss Asheton with icy politeness. ”

“ Copewell blushed. “It took her some time to decide.”
“It didn’t take you long, poor creature!” Mr. Burrow studied a stick of sealing-wax with a judicially wrinkled brow. “Mind you,” he generously acceded, “I’m not censuring the young woman. It’s the female vocation to lure men. Can’t blame ’em. Can’t blame spiders for weaving filmy traps, but I am very, very sorry for flies and fools that rush in where angels fear the web.” ”

“ The Honorable Alexander Hamilton Burrow had been something like two hours in Jaffa Junction. Two hours in Jaffa Junction is more than sufficient for any man. For the Hon. Alexander the night held nothing save the melancholy prospect of seeing a friend abandon himself to the emotional insanity of marriage. For marriage Mr. Burrow had no tolerance. For women he had a supreme contempt. When the train which should have borne his friend whisked through and brought no Copewell, the best man became testy. ”

“ Copewell’s wallet it had been the only buffer between himself and destitution. He could go but one way at once. Heads should guide him east, tails west. Tails it was.
A turn in the highway brought him upon quick discovery. Confronting him at some distance glared twin eyes of bright light, throwing broad, luminous shafts along the road. “Oh, me mother!” ejaculated Mr. Connors in astonishment. “If it ain’t a benzine-buggy!”
Caution being the very soul-breath of Mr. Rat Connors’ policy, he did not approach the stationary motor-car conspicuously by the center of the road. ”

“ Who was Lewis Copewell that a goddess, playing truant from Olympus, should trouble her decorative head about him? Thinking of the decorative head, Mr. Burrow turned in his seat to contemplate it. The car veered into the ditch but without casualty. Houses sit along Jaffa Junction’s thoroughfares as Chinese beads are strung—at extended intervals. Illumination is yet in the future. ”

“ Burrow, as the car nosed its way deliberately along Jaffa Junction’s principal esplanade.
“Certainly,” replied Miss Asheton. “It’s a man who thinks he’s a little wiser than other men, and who is, in fact——” she hesitated politely, “—who may be mistaken.”
“It’s a man,” savagely supplemented Mr. Burrow, “who’s such a blank-dashed fool that he glories in his folly! Until ten minutes ago I was one of them.”
Miss Asheton said nothing. It occurred to the Honorable Alexander that she might be thinking of Lewis Copewell. ”

“ In the midst of crisis and defeat he sat and strove to evolve out of chaos some bright plan by which he, stranded in juxtaposition to the murmuring pines and the hemlocks, might, in the space of a few minutes, transport himself across an unknown distance and be married at Jaffa Junction.
It has been commented that at the average wedding the bridgeroom has a minor and insignificant rôle. Mr. Copewell had discovered a sure method, in the parlance of theatrical folk, of fattening the part. The male contracting party has only to stay away. ”

“ Miss Mary Asheton took a swift inventory of his injuries and went to meet him. Miss Mary Asheton did not have to hop, and a man can stand quite well on one foot when he has both arms around the only girl in the world. If you don’t believe it, try it.
It dawned quite suddenly on the Honorable Alexander Hamilton Burrow that the party was quite complete. Bride, groom, best man, minister, witness and—how should he classify Mr. Connors? He swept a comprehensive glance about—but there was no Mr. Connors. Mr. Connors had vanished into the night as suddenly as he had arisen out of the night. ”

“ In all maritime law it is meet and proper, when a sea-faring man encounters a drifting derelict, to destroy it. Mr. Copewell wished whole-heartedly for an opportunity to dispose of Mr. Connors. Yet, even as he brooded vengefully, Mr. Connors was parleying in his behalf with a clergyman’s wife, while a clergyman’s dog, of unchristian temper, licked his fangs beneath. ”

“ Mr. Connors did not at once emerge from the shadow. He knew that this car could not possibly proceed until that tire was replaced and inflated. He meant to ask a favor, and asking a favor carried with it a certain obligation to reciprocate. Mr. Connors had an idea that pumping up the tire of an automobile which looked like a baby battle-ship would involve a distasteful element of manual labor. ”

“ Mary had never run away with a man before. She felt poignantly sensible of her inexperience. The fact that she was running away with an absent man made it even harder.
Finally, she was on the train. Looking through dark windows she found herself taking a dark view of life. She was frightened. If a woman is not frightened on her first elopement, she is likely to be unfeminine. Presently the conductor came and dropped to the arm of the next chair. Providentially it was “Captain” McDonald. ”

“ Every profession has its ethics. There was, however, no ethical objection to robbing the invalid’s pockets. Mr. Connors was a socialist. This man had money. Mr. Connors had none. It was equitable that the extremes of wealth and poverty be leveled. Profound thinkers have enunciated this principle.
Mr. Connors bent over and proceeded to carry into effect the socialistic propaganda by the simple device of searching every pocket. Mr. Copewell had drawn his check that day with a view to meeting the requirements of honeymooning—and honeymooning is an expensive pastime. ”

“ Burrow’s voice.
“It’s very good of you,” said the girl at last, speaking a trifle vaguely. “Your courteous proposal seems to cover every possible point—except one. The one is Lewis Copewell. Really, you know, I didn’t just come here to get married at random!” She started the machine forward again.
“I assure you there’s nothing random about me!” argued the Honorable Alexander with dignity.
She shook her head. “In matrimonial matters,” she told him, “one can’t eliminate the element of personal preference. I still prefer Lewis.” ”

“ Love made an inventory of these assets, for like Napoleon Bonaparte he was arraying his forces against all Europe. As he realized the enormity of the proposition he sternly set his chubby features and clasped his hands at his back in a truly Corsican attitude. ”

“ Do you want my police to lock aunty up, so that she can’t telephone to mama?”
“Worse than that. When we drop off that train at Jaffa Junction, unless we have some way to beat it quick, our last predicament will be worse than our first. We will need an automobile and a trustworthy chauffeur. He can also be best man, and officiate at swearing to things when we get the license. You and your six-cylinder car have been elected.” ”

“ If he proved obdurate, and a gun-play became necessary, one man would cause less trouble than several. The frayed condition of the gentleman’s temper indicated that he might prove obdurate.
Mr. Connors cautiously drew his “cannister” from his pocket and tested trigger and hammer. If the lone wayfarer quietly accepted the charge of the “guy wid de busted slat” there need be no friction. If he lacked that large sympathy which should make him a willing rescuer, then he must have philanthropy thrust upon him. Mr. Connors meant to thrust it with the pistol. ”

“ When the injured man should be safely stowed in the tonneau the trusteeship of Mr. Connors would terminate.
Then what? Life has its business exigencies even for those of us who are not materialists. Men who tour in motor-cars may be assumed to carry money. Why not first impress the gentleman into service and then relieve him of his valuables? Why should the doctrine of socialism apply as to the man who lay wounded and not as to this one who drove an automobile? ”

“ Copewell. “If you only knew her!”
“I don’t,” snapped Mr. Burrow back at him, “but I know her sex. I know that women differ from other birds of prey in only one particular and the distinction is in favor of the other birds of prey.”
“That’s a lie, of course, but I haven’t time to argue it.”
“The difference is,” calmly pursued Mr. Burrow, “that the others wear their own feathers. Women wear those of the others.”
The office door opened. The head of the young woman stenographer appeared. Her voice was chilling. ”

“ Copewell. “It is vitally important to me to telephone to Jaffa Junction. When the Eastern express comes by, it is also important to flag it. Do you know this country? Do you know where there’s a farmhouse?”
Mr. Connors shook his head.
“Neither do I,” went on Mr. Copewell. “Now, whatever you do for me, you get paid for. I can’t be in two places at once and I’m going to hunt for a ’phone. I’ll be back shortly, but if I miss that train I want you to flag it and ask whether Miss Asheton is on board. If she is, you must give the conductor a note for her.” ”

“ Burrow, with an expression of absolute and paralyzed incredulity.
Mr. Burrow felt that he had failed to make himself quite clear. “I concede that it’s a trifle abrupt,” he acknowledged, “but I am essentially a man of action. Some dilatory fools might take a month to discover that without you life is a superfluous by-product.” The Honorable Alexander thought contemptuously of Mr. Copewell. “It is enough for me to see you. Besides, Europe yawns for you, and it’s bad luck to postpone a marriage. ”

“ Connors in his most ingratiating voice, “I come here lookin’ fer a doctor, see? W’en a guy goes ter git a doctor, it ain’t right ter butt in an’ stop him. Dat’s de way it looks ter a man up a tree, lady.”
The woman ventured no opinion. She merely closed the door.
“Lady!” shouted Mr. Connors in his most humble and winning manner. “Lady!”
The door opened again.
“Well, what is it?”
“Lady, I come here to git help fer a guy dat’s lyin’ on de railroad track wid a busted slat. He ain’t got nobody ter look after him. ”

“ Despite the guard at the rear, she halted in her tracks.
“Certainly you may call me Mary,” she said, “and you may protect me, too. Protect me now. Take the gun away from this person.”
The halting of Miss Asheton forced the Honorable Alexander to halt, and the halting of the Honorable Alexander brought the cold muzzle of the revolver against the back of his neck.
“Move on dere!” ordered Mr. Connors. “Cut out de chin-music an’ keep hikin’!”
The march was resumed.
“Of course,” said Mr. Burrow, in a less jaunty voice, “there are times when we are at a disadvantage. ”

“ Connors, “but it’s like dis: Dere’s a guy up de railroad track w’at’s got a busted slat. I’se got ter borrow your benzine-buggy ter take him ter a doctor.”
“Now see here, you infernal pirate!” The gentleman took one belligerent step forward and halted abruptly as he recognized how close it brought him to the ominous muzzle. “You’re asking too much!”
“Me?” questioned Mr. Connors in an injured tone. “I ain’t askin’ nothin’. I’m tellin’ yer w’at I wants done, an’ yer don’t need ter git fresh about it, see?”
“Is there really an injured man? Is this true?” asked the lady. ”

“ It takes a Jaffa Junction prominent citizen five minutes to climb into a coach!” Mr. Copewell politely attempted to simulate an interest in the characteristics of Jaffa Junction’s prominent citizens. “Indeed?” he said.
“Captain” Fallow went on curtly. “I ask you as a favor to hop off quick when we get there. I’ll have the rear vestibule open and you can fly out as soon as you feel the train slowing down. Your place will be our only stop this side of Perryville, see? If you can jump down without our coming to a dead stop, it will save time.” ”