Clarence Budington Kelland

“ Crabb, but by her husband; nor am I here to nullify any suffering on the part of her pets, but on the part of Mr. Crabb. In short," said I, "it is my task to eradicate the dogs."
"And I'm barred out," he said, with anguish in his voice. "I can't be there to see it." Suddenly an idea seemed to illuminate his face. "Say, Mr. Edwy Peddie, does this card mean business? Are you a professional brightener of hearts and lightener of destinies?"
"I am," said I, "for a suitable retainer."
"Observe me, Mr. Edwy Peddie. My heart is torn by grief. I am a human sponge saturated with woe. ”

“ I am forbidden to approach, converse with, cast fond eyes upon, or in any manner communicate with the young lady upon whom my affections are centered, and whose affections, in return, are centered upon me. ”

“ The ordinary man would have made two plans, a dog-plan and a Jane-plan. I, however, made but one to accomplish both ends. True science is economical. At breakfast I began to put my stratagem into effect.
"This weather," said I, in a courteous tone, "is the very sort to cause an outbreak of rabies—the so-called hydrophobia."
Mrs. Crabb screamed and dropped a cup of coffee.
I changed the subject. "Miss Jane," said I, "if you were going on a wedding-journey how many trunks would you carry?" ”

“ Mname is Edwy Peddie, and by profession I am a scientific humanitarian, the first, I believe, to choose that particular line of endeavor. Until very recently I confined myself to the theory of this science, endeavoring to master its intricacies. But recently I have actively engaged in practice, with results of a gratifying nature. ”

“ You're about my idea of what he would pick."
"No," said I, "I am there professionally—with relation to dogs, I may say without betraying professional confidence."
"Not with relation to Jane?" he asked, suspiciously.
"Dogs," said I, "are my sole mission."
"Veterinary?"
"Indeed not! I am," said I, with an impressive air, "a scientific humanitarian. "My card." I handed him one with grave dignity.
"Ah," said he, " I see. Something is vexing the little doggies, and you're here to alleviate them, eh? Dogs seem despondent. Mrs. Crabb worried to the brink of collapse. Calls in expert. ”

“ Crabb, in a weak voice.
Outside, an automobile horn sounded three times, and Miss Jane brightened perceptibly. Mr. Coppy was taking up again his daily labor of passing and re-passing the house.
"I'll—I'll fill the road with broken bottles," said Mr. Crabb.
"Do you think he cares for tires?" said Miss Jane, scornfully.
"Rabies!" said Mrs. Crabb a third time. Her tone was tragic.
Miss Jane got up abruptly and went into the garden. I followed her in a moment. When she saw me coming, for some reason which was not clear to me, she seemed to meditate flight. ”

“ Coppy to provide a means of conveying four trunks away from here to-morrow night. Four was the number, was it not?"
She nodded.
"Remember," said I, "the overalls. Greasy ones. Practise walking like a chauffeur. I will give you other directions later."
I left her and walked down the road. When well screened from view I waited for Mr. Coppy to appear. To him I outlined my plan and directed him to arrange for the carriage of Miss Jane's trunks.
"We'll make for Europe," said he. "I'll engage passage for the day after to-morrow. There's a sailing. The trunks can go directly to the pier." ”

“ As for Miss Jane, she made innumerable journeys between her wardrobe and the trunk-room, but her explanation about the turning of her heart from Mr. Coppy to art not only reassured, but delighted her parents. It was a little thing, but skilful.
Toward six o'clock a small motor-truck stopped before the house, having developed trouble with its motor. For a couple of hours the driver vainly tried to set it going again, and then entered Mr. Crabb's grounds, mopping his brow disgustedly. He accosted Mr. Crabb. ”

“ If you want an individual to do a certain thing, there are two ways to go about it. You may reason with him and persuade him, or if his mental attitude toward the action be such as to make this impossible, you may resort to what may be termed a stratagem to bring about the desired end. ”

“ They have with them aboard the steamer bound for Liverpool, not four trunks filled with Miss Jane's clothing, but four trunks containing seventeen dogs, mildly under the influence of chloroform. I removed Miss Jane's garments from the trunks, perforated them with many holes, using the bit and brace Mr. Coppy supplied, and put four dogs in each, excepting the fourth, which contained five.
So I am successfully launched in my profession. Scientific humanitarianism has proven lucrative, and I can refer skeptical clients to Mr. Coppy and Mr. Crabb. Both will have to admit my efficiency. ”

“ He's unprincipled. We fear he will attempt to take away our daughter by force. Yes, indeed. Or that the influence he seems to have acquired over er will induce her to steal out to him. She is not, as you may have observed, allowed to leave the place."
"But why should I not walk in my sleep?" I asked.
"From nine till twelve the gardener and the chauffeur patrol the grounds; from twelve till three the butler and the under-gardener are on the job; from three till six the dairyman and one of the farmer's sons keep an eye peeled. And they're there for business." ”

“ It seems more advisable to act during the watch of the butler and the under-gardener. Butlers are notably timid, and under-gardeners are seldom men of action." I paused to give impressiveness to my next request. ”

“ Crabb, chokingly. "He claims they're prize chickens. Every one that confounded yapper kills is a prize-winner. If he's bound to kill chickens, why doesn't he pick out common, ordinary Plymouth Rocks or something, eh? ”