Cornelius Shea

“ Hello! You’re ther man what’s come over to paint the boat, ain’t yer? (Looks at paint cans.)
Roam. (haughtily) . I am Percy Heartache, the artist.
Bill (laughing loudly and wiping harmonica on sleeve and putting in pocket) . You ain’t ther painter, then?
Roam. No, I am the artist. Can you tell me where I can find Miss Hattie Renwick?
Bill (ignoring the question and pointing to paint cans) . Who does ther paint an’ brushes belong to?
Roam. The painter, I suppose. He was here a little while ago. But see here, you thick-head! Where is the young lady who wrote this letter to me?
Bill. Which one? ”

“ Hick. (starting forward to catch her) . Don’t fall, miss.
Luc. (grabbing Hick. by the collar and pulling him back) . Let her fall, if she wants to. The first thing you know she will be trying to make you propose to her.
Hick. (meekly) . All right, Lucinda.
Hat. (making another stagger about) . Oh! Oh! I know I shall faint.
(She falls and Bill catches her and carries her to a bench.)
Bill (soothingly) . That’s all right, Peach. I’ll marry you when I git big enough. You don’t want no lazy tramp for a husband. ”

“ Bill says it is a case of a breach of promise suit.
Susan. Well, I never! That girl must be a fool.
Hel. She wants a man, mother.
Susan (shaking her head) . Well, she must want one pretty bad, then.
Hel. Now remember, mother, Percy is supposed to be Mr. Roamer.
Susan. And the tramp is supposed to be Mr. Heartache?
Hel. Of course. He introduced himself that way, so it will remain so until Miss Renwick gets enough of it.
(Hiram and Bill are holding Hick. so he cannot escape. Percy looks on smilingly. Loud voices outside, Roam. calling out excitedly: “Stop! Stop! I want to get away from here!”) ”

“ So you’re ther artist, eh? Well, I took two letters to ther post-office that was addressed to Percy Heartache. I know I did, ’cause I kin read, an’ I read ’em over a dozen times. One was from Helen an’ ther other was from Daisy.
Roam. Who is Daisy?
Bill. Hattie Renwick is her right name. But I call her Daisy—or Peach, ’cause she don’t like Daisy so well. I tell yer, Mr. Artist! she’s a daisy an’ a peach, too. But I didn’t think no sech scarecrow as you was the one she wrote to. ”

“ Hiram. Now, see here, Hick Homespun. The trouble with you is that you’re a lot too bashful. You know well enough that you ought to have somebody around that nice little home of yours to cook your meals an’ fetch your slippers for you nights when you come in after doin’ a hard day’s work. There’s the Widder Wheatchaff for you, Hick! She’s a fine little woman, an’ I happen to know that she thinks a powerful lot of you, too. ”

“ Enter Susan, R.
Susan. Now I suppose I must get dinner ready. The new boarder is most likely hungry, an’ I want her to be satisfied. Six dollars a week ain’t to be sneezed at these times.
(Starts for L., when Hel. enters.)
Hel. Mother, I have asked a young man to come over and take tea with us to-morrow. You don’t object, do you?
Susan. Young man? You mean that painter you’ve talked so much about in the last week or two, I s’pose?
Hel. Not painter, mother. He is an artist.
Susan. Well, ain’t a painter an artist? ”

“ An’ one is comin’ to-day! Well, I don’t think a whole lot of this pesky business, but Susan got it in her head to take ’em, so I s’pose she’s got to have her way about it. Women-folks generally does have their own way, anyhow. I know Susan does; she always has, too. But it’s all right. A little cash money from boarders will come in mighty handy, I calculate. It’s been so dry that it looks as though the corn crop is going to be a rank failure. An’ the hay—— (Voices and laughter outside.) Hello! What’s this? Bill has brought the new boarder over from the depot, I s’pose. ”

“ But blamed if I kin understand what Helen an’ Daisy wrote letters to him for. Why, he looks like a regular tramp.
[22]
Roam. (menacingly) . What’s that?
Bill. Nothin’, Mr. Artist. I’ll have the peach out here in a jiffy.
(Exit Bill, R. Roam. sits on bench, crosses legs and removes hat. Brushes hair with his hand.)
Roam. Well, this is funny business, an’ no mistake. What am I up against, anyhow? But it’s all right. I’ve got one five-spot, an’ there is another one comin’, if I do ther job right. You bet I’m ther one who kin do it, too. I ought to be an actor, instead of a tramp painter. ”

“ Percy. Yes, but——
Hiram. Maybe you don’t like the looks of her.
Percy. Oh, yes, I do, Mr. Rodney. She is the nicest——
Hick. (laughing heartily) . He ain’t much of a judge, is he, Hiram?
Hiram. Well, I don’t know. He looks as though he ought to know a good model from a bad one. But say. (Nods to Percy.) If you feel like it, and think it ain’t too late, you might start in to scrapin’ the paint off her sides right now. You’ll find she’s pretty well roughed up; but you can fix that all right. You’ll have to go a bit careful when you come to the waist. ”

“ She wrote that she is a stenographer in New York, and the letter was typewritten, too. By the way it read, she must be very much of a lady. Well, as there is no one here now, I’ll take my chance to write a note to Percy. I know mother won’t object, so I’ll invite him over to take tea with us to-morrow afternoon. Percy is just too sweet for anything; and he is an artist, too! I hope the new boarder is not good-looking, so there will be no danger of her cutting me out. ”

“ She gave pursuit, and Bill and Lucinda, who happened to be here, helped her catch him. Miss Renwick is anxious to marry some one, and after corresponding with the man she set her cap for him before she had even seen him. Mother and I came out on the porch in time to hear the last of it. Don’t interfere, father. Let them bring the man here. I am sure you will laugh when you understand what a joke it is.
[31]
Hiram (looking at Hick.) . Well, I swan!
Hick. So do I, Hiram.
Bill (getting upon his feet) . Me, too!
Percy (whispering in Hiram’s ear) . You understand, Mr. Rodney. ”

“ Susan (disengaging herself from Hel.) . All girls are alike at your age. Well, let him come, if he wants to. I was thinking of inviting the widow over to-morrow afternoon, so Miss Renwick would have company. Most likely she’ll find it rather lonesome here at first. Hick Homespun told your father he was coming over to look at the brindle cow which is for sale, to-morrow afternoon, so it will just come in fine. The widow has set her cap for Hick, an’ I’ve made up my mind to help her along all I can. ”

“ Now, then, if a man comes here and is introduced as Mr. Percy Heartache, you will know what to do.
Susan. Yes; I’ll call Miss Renwick right away.
[19]
Enter Trotwell Roamer, L.
Roam. Is this the High Up Farm?
Susan. Yes; what do you want?
Roam. (setting down paint pots and brushes) . I’m the painter.
Susan (looking at Percy) . The painter?
Roam. Yes, my boss sent me over here to paint a boat for Mr. Rodney.
Percy (smiling at the two) . I think this man might fill the bill. Shall I ask him?
Hel. (eagerly) . Yes, ask him, Percy. I am sure he would be just the one. He is a painter, too. ”

“ Hiram. That’s me. I’m the boss of this here place—when Susan ain’t around, I mean. (Footsteps at L.) Here she comes now. She’ll look after you all right, miss. Susan knows her business.
Enter Susan Rodney, from kitchen at L.
Hat. Mrs. Rodney, I presume?
Susan (bowing and smiling) . Yes, that’s who I be. You are the young lady come here to board, I take it?
Hiram. That’s who she is, Susan. Jest look after her, will you? (To Bill.) Take that trunk up-stairs, Bill, an’ hurry up about it. I’ve got to send you back to the village before you unhitch the mare. ”

“ But as to their good looks, I suppose you would be better able to judge than I. You reside in the city, and I presume you see so many handsome young men that you would not think much of those you will meet here in the country. As for myself, I don’t care a great deal for farmers. ”

“ Hat. (rousing up and becoming indignant) . The idea! Who said I wanted to marry any one? Why, I wouldn’t marry the best man living!
Luc. (to Hick., whom she is still holding) . Good reason, maybe. She couldn’t get you, Hick, and I think you are the best man living.
Hick. (grinning) . Do you mean that, Lucinda?
Luc. I always say what I mean, Hick Homespun.
Hick. Let’s go look at that cow. [Exeunt Hick. and Luc., L.
[33]
Bill (roaring with laughter) . She’s got him. Hick is a goner!
Hat. (to Susan) . Mrs. Rodney, I think I will go to my room.
Susan (persuasively) . Don’t do that, Miss Renwick. ”

“ Susan (introducing them) . Mrs. Wheatchaff, this is our new boarder, Miss Renwick, of New York.
Luc. How do you do, Miss Renwick? We country folks are always glad to meet city folks.
Hat. (graciously) . It gives me great pleasure to make your acquaintance, Mrs. Wheatchaff.
(They shake hands, the widow very demonstrative.)
Hel. Lucinda, I was just telling Miss Renwick about Hick. She wanted to know if there were any nice young men around here.
Luc. Oh, she wanted to know that, eh? (Sizes up Hat. critically, and then gives a sniff.) Well, I hardly think Hick Homespun would suit her. ”