Edgar Franklin

“ The Hawkins Auto-aero-mobile was very delicately balanced now on four slim wires, and the balloon was collapsing with heart-rending rapidity. From below sounds of excitement were audible, here and there a groan and now a scream of horror, as some new-comer realized our position.
“Hawkins,” I said, solemnly, “why don't you make a vow right now that if we ever get out of this alive——”
Ping! went the third wire. The auto swayed gently for a moment.
“You'll never invent another thing as long as you live?”
“Griggs,” said Hawkins, in trembling tones, “I almost believe that you are right. ”

“ What under the sun did you let off your infernal contrivance for?”
“Oh, I just did it to spite you, papa,” said Hawkins, with weary sarcasm.
“By George, sir, I believe you did!” snapped the old gentleman. “It's like you! Look at my coat, sir! Look at——”
I was edging away when Mrs. Hawkins entered. She was clad in somber black now, and her cheeks flamed scarlet with mortification.
“Well!” she exclaimed.
“Well, my dear?” said Hawkins, bracing himself.
“A pretty mess you've made of our house-warming, haven't you? You and your idiotic fire-extinguisher!” ”

“ Some resistless force lifted me from the floor and propelled me toward the half shattered door. Dimly I noted that the same thing had happened to Hawkins. For the tiniest fraction of a second he seemed to be floating horizontally in the air. Then I felt my head collide with wood; the door parted, and I shot through the opening.
I saw the hallway before me; I remember observing with vague wonder that the gas-light went out just as it caught my eye. And then an awful flash blinded me, a roar of ten thousand cannon seemed to split my skull—and that was all. ”

“ The huge wing was precisely in line to deal my unoffending cranium a terrific whack, which would probably stun me, and certainly brush me from my perch.
“There's a big wind coming!” I cried. “Look at those trees.”
“By Jimminy! You're right!” gasped the inventor, recklessly hurling himself upon the ladder. “Quick, Griggs. Come down after me. Quick!”
When one of Hawkins' inventions gets you in its toils, you have to make rapid decisions as to the manner of death you would prefer. In the twinkling of an eye, I decided to cast my fate with Hawkins on the ladder. ”

“ For a second or two the Alcomotive emitted a string of consumptive coughs. One or two parts moved spasmodically and seemed to be reaching for the engineer. The man dodged.
Then the Alcomotive began to back!
“Here! Here! Something's wrong!” cried Hawkins, as the accursed thing gathered speed. “Push that back where it was.”
“Nit!” yelled the engineer, picking up his coat and running to the side of the car. “I ain't going to make my wife a widow for no darned invention or no darned job! See?”
“You're not going to jump?” squealed the inventor. ”

“ I said, “why don't you start in and write nonsense verse? There's a fortune waiting for you.”
“I must say, Griggs,” rejoined the inventor, sourly, “that you have very little comprehension of the advertising value of a good name. Who under the sun would ever remember the 'Hawkins Gasolene Washing Machine,' if they saw it in a magazine? But—'The Gasowashine'!”
“So it's a washing machine?”
“Of course. It's the one perfect contrivance for washing and drying dishes; and let me tell you the basic principle of that machine breathes genius, if I do say it. Why, Griggs, just think! ”

“ You're coming on the Alcomotive with me!”
“Not on your life, Hawkins!” I cried energetically. “If this railroad wishes to trust its passengers and rolling-stock and road-bed to your alcohol machine, that's their business. But they've got a hanged sight more confidence in you than I have.”
“Well, you'll have confidence enough before the day's over,” said the inventor, grabbing me with some determination. “For once, I'll get the best of your sneers. You come along!”
“Let go!” I shouted.
“Here,” said Hawkins to the mechanic who was warily eying the Alcomotive, “help Mr. Griggs up.” ”

“ But after a time I drew nearer to Hawkins, and at last came within thirty feet of the galloping Maud.
Hawkins' face was white and set, he bounced painfully up and down, risking his neck at every bounce, but one hand kept a death-like grip on the lever of the horse-brake.
“Jump!” I screamed. “Throw yourself off!”
Hawkins regarded me with much the expression the early Christians must have worn when conducted into the arena.
“No,” he shouted. “It's”—bump—“it's all right. It'll”—bump—“work in a minute.”
“No, it won't! Jump, for Heaven's sake, jump!” ”

“ But—whoever could have designed that frieze, Mr. Hawkins?”
“Er—that frieze?” repeated the inventor, a little uncomfortably, indicating the insane-looking strip of painting a foot or so wide which ran along under the ceiling.
“Yes, it's so funny. Nothing but dots and dots and dots. Whoever could have conceived such an idea?”
“Well, I did, Miss Mather,” Hawkins replied. “I designed that myself.”
“Oh, did you?” murmured the inquisitive one, going red.
Hawkins turned to me, and the girl subsided; but old Mr. Blodgett had overheard. ”

“ You needn't look huffy, Griggs. It isn't your wife or my wife. It's the whole sex. They chatter and prattle and make silly jokes about things they're absolutely incapable of understanding.”
“My dear Hawkins,” I said soothingly, “you wrong the fair sex.”
“Oh, I wrong 'em, eh? Well, what woman knows the first thing about explosives?” demanded Hawkins heatedly. “Dynamite or rhexite or meganite or carbonite or stonite or vigorite or cordite or ballistite or thorite or maxamite——”
“Stop, Hawkins, stop!” I cried.
“Well, that's all, anyway,” said the inventor. ”

“ I will say it for Hawkins that he managed to stop the affair at Newark in very commendable fashion. It seems so remarkable that one of his contrivances should have exhibited that much amenity to control that it is worthy of note.
Some of the passengers who alighted to be sure, exhibited signs of hard usage. There were visible bruises in several cases, due, presumably, to the slightly startling suddenness with which our trip began.
But Hawkins was blind to anything of that sort.
“Now, wasn't that fine?” he said proudly.
“Well—we're here—and alive,” was about all I could say. ”

“ What is it, Hawkins? Oh, Mr. Hawkins, wherever did it come from? Why, it ran out of those dots—I saw it! What is it?” echoed from different parts of the room.
“It's only my sprinkler—my fire-extinguisher,” Hawkins explained. “It went off by accident, you see. There's nothing in it to hurt you. It's perfectly neutral. It can't bite—that's imagination.”
“But it does!” cried Mrs. Gordon. “It stings like acid. It actually seems to be eating my skin!”
“Bite! I should say it did!” growled Mr. Blodgett. “It's chewing my hands off—I believe it's carbolic acid. I do—I'll swear I do. ”

“ Ping! Ping! Ping! One by one, sawed in two by the machine, the telegraph wires were snapping!
“Stop it! Stop it, Hawkins!” I cried. “You're smashing the wires!”
“Well, suppose I am? That'll let us out, won't it?”
“See here,” I said, sternly, “if an all wise Providence should happen to spare us from being dragged down and dashed to pieces, consider the bill for repairs which you'll have to foot. You stop that engine, Hawkins, or I'll do it myself.”
“Well——” said the inventor, doubtfully. “There! Now be satisfied. ”

“ In the country, social intercourse between Hawkins' family and my own is upon the most informal basis. If it pleases us to dine together coatless and cuffless, we do so; and no one suggests that a national upheaval is likely to result.
But in town it is different. The bugaboo of strict propriety seems to take mysterious ascendancy. We still dine together, but it is done in the most proper evening dress. It seems to be the law—unwritten but unalterable—that Hawkins and I shall display upon our respective bosoms something like a square foot of starchy white linen. ”

“ Down, down, down, down, went the ladder.
“Well,” I said, thoughtfully, “the bottom usually falls out of your schemes, Hawkins. If the bottom will only fall out of the water department of your pumpless pump within the next half-minute, all will be lovely.”
“Oh, dry up!” exclaimed the inventor nervously. “Goodness! We're halfway down already!”
“Why not climb?” I suggested.
“Really, Griggs,” cried the inventor, “for such an unpractical man as yourself, that idea is remarkable! Climb, Griggs, climb. Get about it!” ”

“ I took the latter alternative, threw myself upon the ladder, and clung there, gasping with astonishment at the suddenness of the thing.
“Well, Hawkins?” I said, getting breath as my head sank below the level of the beautiful earth.
“Well, Griggs,” said the inventor defiantly, from the second rung below, “the gear must have slipped—that's all.”
“Isn't it lucky that this is a tiled well?”
“What do you mean?”
“Why,” I said, “a tiled well is absolutely safe, you see. Nothing can happen in a tiled well, Hawkins.” ”

“ Let's try it,” proposed Hawkins.
“But say, mister,” said the engineer, “who's going to run the darned machine, if you're not here?”
“Why, you, my man. You understand an engine of this sort, don't you? But of course you do. Here! This is the valve for the alcohol—this is the igniter—here are the brakes—this is the speed control. See? Oh, you won't find any difficulty in managing it. The Alcomotive is simplicity on wheels.” ”

“ There was no way for Hawkins to reach the contrivance, for the car was four or five feet distant from the train proper, and to attempt a leap or a climb to the Alcomotive, with the whole affair rocking and swaying as it was, would simply have been to pave the way for a neat “Herbert Hawkins” on the marble block of their plot in Greenwood Cemetery.
“Well, what under the sun——” began Hawkins.
“Good heavens! This train! The people!” ”

“ Won't that poor little mind of yours grapple with the fact that the Hawkins Alcomotive is a success—a success? Can't you feel the train shooting along——”
“I can feel that well enough,” I said dubiously; “but suppose——”
“Suppose nothing! What have you to croak about now, Griggs? Actually, there are times when you really make me physically weary. See here! The Alcomotive supersedes the locomotive first, in point of weight; second, in point of speed; third, in economy of operation; fourth, it is absolutely safe and easy to manage. ”

“ Hawkins' countenance fell somewhat, but there was no time for a reply. The coal-scuttle of the Crano-Scale was hovering above us, evidently selecting a spot for its operations.
“Here! We're right under it!” Hawkins shouted. “This way, Griggs! Quick! Lord! It's coming down—it'll hit you! Quick!”
And I dived toward Hawkins as he was struggling for a foothold, and then——
A line of asterisks is the only way of putting into print my state of mind—or absence of any state of mind—for the ensuing quarter of an hour. ”

“ Climbing a straight ladder usually sets my hair on end; but this one I tackled without hesitation, and in a very few seconds stood before the door.
In the semi-darkness, I perceived that a wide ledge ran around the wall inside, and that Hawkins was standing upon it, gazing upon the hundreds of tons of coal below, and having something the effect of the Old Nick himself glaring down into the pit.
“There she is!” said the inventor laconically, pointing across the gulf. ”

“ I murmured. “Two thousand dollars for——”
“Well, it won't cost a tenth of that when I'm having the parts turned out in quantities,” cried Hawkins, with considerable heat. “Why under the sun do you always try to throw a wet blanket over everything? Suppose it does cost two thousand dollars to equip a house with my crook-trap? If a man has ten thousand dollars' worth of silverware, he'll be willing enough to spend——”
I laughed. It wasn't meant for a nasty laugh at all—it was simply amusement at the inventor's emotionalism. But it riled Hawkins. ”

“ I said, “when I look at that thing, I feel somehow incapable of thought.”
“I rather imagined that it would take your eye,” replied Hawkins, complacently. “Now, just see the simplicity of the thing, Griggs. Drop your childish prejudices for a minute and examine it.
“Let us suppose that this brake is fitted to a fiery saddle-horse. The rider has lost all control. In another minute, unless he can stop the beast, he will be dashed to the ground and kicked into pulp. What does he do? Simply pulls this lever—thus! The animal can't budge!” ”

“ Even you, Griggs, must know that carbonic acid gas will put out any fire, without damaging anything. There you are.”
“I see. You smell fire, rush up here and knock that ball into the tank, and the house is flooded through the dots in your frieze. Remarkable!”
“Oh, I don't even have to come up here,” smiled Hawkins. “See that?”
“That” was a little strand of platinum wire in a niche in the wall.
“That's just a test fuse, so that I can see that she's all in working order,” pursued the inventor, leaning his cigar against it. “There's half a dozen of them in every room in the house. ”

“ The conductor was running through the train toward us as we reached the second car, and his face was the face of a fear-racked maniac.
“What's happened?” he shrieked. “Why on earth are we backing?”
“Why, you see——” Hawkins began.
“For God's sake, stop your machine! You're the man who owns it, aren't you?”
“Certainly, certainly. But you see, the mechanism has—er—slipped somewhere—nothing serious, of course—and——”
“Serious!” roared the railroad man. “You call it nothing serious for us to be flying along backwards and the Washington express coming up behind at a mile a minute!” ”

“ Suppose I turn the water into the thing?”
“Don't!” shouted the inventor wildly, battering at the door with his fists. “It would send us into kingdom come the second it touched! Don't stand there gaping, Griggs! Help me smash down this door! We must get out, man! We must get the women out! We must warn the neighborhood! Smash her, Griggs! Smash her! Smash the door!”
“Hawkins,” I said, resignedly, as a vicious “sizzzz” announced the evolution of a great puff of red gas, “we can never do it in two minutes. Better not attract the rest of the household by your racket. They may possibly escape. ”