François Rabelais

“ Panurge!"
"That can I, your majesty," cried Panurge, stepping briskly forward. "The Giant Widenostrils died from having too many cocks and hens and foxes in his stomach. I heard in his stomach, with my own ears,—which are pretty sharp ones,—as he lay stretched out in the meadow, cocks crowing, hens cackling, foxes yelping, and by my faith, I thought the foxes were getting the better of the cocks and the hens."
"Thank Heaven! We can build our dear windmills again, and we shall not die," cried the King, who at once sent his herald to announce the good news through the island. ”

“ There was nothing on the earth—whether men, country, cities, palaces, farm-houses, mountains, ravines, valleys, lakes, trees, flowers, birds, rivers, beasts, fishes—that was not to be found worked in tapestry by skilful hands at that most wonderful of Fairs. Everybody bought a picture,—Friar John, Epistemon, Eusthenes, Carpalim, Panurge,—everybody, even Gymnaste, who had never before in all his days seen tapestry. And it was here, while Pantagruel was standing, deep in thought, before a bit of tapestry Epistemon had bought, that Xenomanes came up and tried in every way to catch his eye. ”

“ Pantagruel was so much amazed at all this, as he had never before heard that Loupgarou's mace was enchanted, that he cried out, without very well knowing what he was doing: "Ho! Panurge, where art thou?"
Panurge, whose eyes and cars had been stretched wide open ever since the beginning of the fight, shouted out to the King and the Giants: "By Heaven! if we don't get them apart, they will hurt one another." ”

“ But when Friar John, Xenomanes, and the rest appeared on the ridge, a howl of defiance broke from the thicket. The dark masses seemed beside themselves with rage, and all at once the line was broken.
"By my faith," said Pantagruel, "they are demons, Xenomanes! Look, they have wings, and their wings are as black as their banners!"
This was true. The dark masses had only broken so as to give themselves space to raise their wings in triumph at seeing so many wretched mortals ready for destruction. ”

“ While they were thus chatting and feasting, Carpalim suddenly cried out: "Are we never to have any fresh meat? His Highness makes us thirsty enough, but this salt meat quite finishes me. Wait a moment! I am going to fetch you here the thigh of one of those horses which are burning over yonder. No fear of their not being roasted enough!"
As he was springing up to do this, his quick eye caught sight, just at the edge of the wood, of a large stag, which had come out of the forest, attracted doubtless by Panurge's big bonfire. ”

“ AND SUCH A SUPPER!
I have not yet told something that took place a little while before this great supper. While all were waiting for it, Gargantua suddenly cried out: "Ho! I feel dreadfully thirsty! Somebody bring me a lettuce."
Father Grandgousier, well pleased to grant whatever his son asked, but wanting to see him work a little for his own pleasure, answered him gaily:—
"There are some very fine lettuces growing in yonder garden, my boy. If thou wantest them the best thing thou canst do is to seek them thyself. Thou canst find none so tall as they in all this country." ”

“ Now this young monk, who was called Friar John, was, I am afraid, looked upon by his pious brethren as rather a black sheep. He was tall, straight as an arrow, strong as a bull, a little quick of speech, skilful in all games, and as brave as a lion. So, when he looked in upon the singing monks, and found them ready to give up everything, off came his frock, and catching up a great staff near by, which was as long as a lance and as big around as the fist, he rushed out and fell upon the enemy, who were thinking of everything save the praying monks in the Abbey. ”

“ Pantagruel stretched out one big hand across the table. It met another big hand, only that other was more knotty and wrinkled than his own. Then the two mighty hands clasped.
"But this is not all that I wanted to say, my boy. It is time thou shouldst travel. Thou needest rest. Hast thou not been King in my place?" The old Giant laughed as he said this. "Hast thou not filled my throne, thou young rogue, for this score of years and more? Thou art not so strong as thou wast; thou hast need of a holiday."
"Hast thou also thought, father, of a plan for all this whilst thou wert in Fairy-land?" ”

“ Before Gargantua had come back from Paris, and while Picrochole was still galloping with his wicked soldiers over rich fields, and trampling down fruits and vines, and cursing and cutting and slashing away, and killing just as the fancy took him, Father Grandgousier had sent messages to his friends and neighbors living a hundred miles around, telling them all about the war; how his son Gargantua, in whom he trusted, was far away in Paris, studying hard at his Latin; and asking them to help him just as much as they could in money and men. ”

“ Dindeno's eyes flashed at the glitter of so much gold; but he had made up his mind to insult Panurge until he made him angry.
"My friend and neighbor," he said, "my sheep are meat only for kings and princes. They are too nice and dainty for such as thou."
"Be patient now, and please grant my request. Only set thy price for one, and I will pay thee like a king."
"Thou art a fine fellow, truly," sneered Dindeno; "but tell me first, hast thou ever seen such shoulders, such legs, such knuckles, such backs and breasts as thou canst see here? ”

“ For I am of the lineage of Hercules."
Then Carpalim:—
"As for me, Your Royal Highness, I promise to slip into the camp if ever a bird can fly there, because my body is so light that I can jump their trenches and leap through their tents before their keenest eyes can see me. I am afraid of neither arrows nor bow-shots. As for their swift horses, I laugh at them. I undertake to skim over an ear of corn or the tall meadow grass, without either ever bending under me. For I am of the lineage of Camilla, the Amazon." ”

“ They were to be found everywhere, with their tongues hanging out like those of hares which have run before the hounds for hours. The hot glare of the sun, and the horrible thirst, turned these poor people half-crazy. Some would throw themselves into wells, hoping to find water in their dark depths.
Others would creep under the bellies of such cows as were still living, declaring, with a sickly smile, they were going there to get into the shade. Of course everybody flocked to the churches; people always do in a time of great trouble. ”

“ Panurge was about to say more, when he was stopped all of a sudden by the skipper, who had just drawn near at the sound of loud voices, and had heard Dindeno's sharp tones. "Enough! Enough! Too much talk here!" he cried. "Dindeno, if thou wantest to sell, sell. If thou wilt not, have done with it."
"I am willing to sell, Captain, for thy sake; but for thy sake alone," said the sheep-seller. "But he must pay me three French livres for his pick and choice."
"That is a big price," said Panurge, gently. "In my own country, I can buy five, nay, six fine rams for that much money." ”

“ When they had rested a bit and got their land-legs well on again, Pantagruel, who, even in sea-sickness,—and he had, in fact, been very sick,—had been thinking of the perils in which his father's kingdom had been placed, remarked: "My children, it is lucky that those rascals have not occupied this port, and it is just as strange as lucky, because the city is not more than three leagues off. But, before we march to its relief, it would be wise to consider what is best to be done. Are you all resolved to live or die with me?" ”

“ It was vintage-time, when the great purple grapes, bursting with their ripeness, were to be gathered, and when the Shepherds of Grandgousier's kingdom used to watch the vines like hawks to prevent the starlings from pecking at the juicy clusters. This vintage-time always made business for the Bunmakers of Lerne. Even when in the best of humor, however, they were always a peppery-touch-me-if-you-dare sort of fellows. They brought their buns to market along the great highway, in ten or eleven big carts, which filled the air around them with the sweetest odors. ”

“ He praised Eudemon and scolded Gargantua by turns, until at last he fell asleep among all the big bottles that had been emptied during the pretty tale of the learned little angel, which nobody around the table understood but Don Philip of the Marshes and the pretty little angel himself. It is a bold thing at all times to awake a King without his own orders; but when that King is a Giant, it is a bolder thing to do than ever. ”

“ Gargantua said, laughing. "Every conqueror has the right to choose his weapons. You are a conqueror; keep yours."
When all the clocks were striking midnight, Gargantua left the Palace with Ponocrates, Friar John always carrying his staff, Gymnaste, Eudemon the page, and twenty-five of the most adventurous knights, all armed from head to foot, and mounted like great Saint George himself, each with a stout archer behind him. ”

“ Panurge idly played with a piece of rope, pulling it about with his teeth; while Friar John marched off to the pantry, to see what the cook might be doing. After two or three hours in the galley, here came Friar John, puffing and blowing, to Pantagruel, upstairs. Finding him awake, he asked:—
"Will Your Highness be so kind as to tell us how a man can kill time and raise a good wind at sea?"
Pantagruel gave a yawn, and said, half-laughing, "A good dinner will kill time quicker than anything else, as you, my good Friar John, better than most men, know. Have dinner served! ”

“ You can have no better way to prove your skill. We, on our part, are not going to fail you."
"Ho! ho!" answered Pantagruel, "I do not lack courage. But even Hercules did not dare fight against two, and here thou wouldst have me fight against three hundred!"
"What!" retorted Panurge, while his tip-tilted nose curled higher in the air than usual, "does Your Highness seriously mean to compare yourself with Hercules? God has given you stronger teeth and stouter limbs than ever Hercules had." Panurge was going to say a good deal more, but here came Loupgarou with all his Giants. ”

“ The next day Pantagruel went ashore on a rugged, craggy, barren island, where cocks are never heard to crow, and where lived Gaster, the first Master of Arts in the world. Being himself a scholar, he wanted to make the acquaintance of the First Master of Arts. He found him a most wonderful and despotic old king, who talked with every one by signs, for he could not hear, having been born without ears. Gaster never bothered himself for anybody's comfort or convenience but his own, and Pantagruel soon noticed that no one ever tried to reason with him. ”

“ The people who live there are all thieves. Yet there is on the top of that very mountain a fountain worth seeing, since it is the finest fountain in the world. Does Your Highness wish to go on shore?"
"Ho! not I," replied Pantagruel; "but, for the honor of the finest fountain in the world, we ought to give a salute as we pass." As the flag-ship came just in front of the rock the gunner fired. At once, the gunners of the other ships gave, every one, a gun to the island, which made so mighty a noise that it seemed as if the sky was about tumbling down in thunder. ”

“ Pantagruel, standing with his eyes still looking up, continued to hear the voices. At last some sharp-eared fellow cried, "I think I hear something." Then, all at once, every man on board began to cry out that he could plainly hear voices of men and neighing of horses; but, as nothing could be seen, everybody was mightily frightened, and Panurge worse than all. Nothing would do him but to beg Friar John to stay by him, saying that they were all undone, and that there was no fooling with the devil. ”

“ Panurge went on to say. "And when children stop at every turn of the road to play in the sun, and to run in the fields, and to pluck the flowers, and chase the butterflies, and sing with the singing-birds, they are only robbing themselves of their own glad time. For Autumn, with his clouds that hide the sun, and his ugly days, and his chilly nights, must be very patient if he does not soon begin to think it high time for him to come on the scene. ”

“ Macrobius asked Pantagruel how it was that he and his fleet could have survived the awful storm and reached port, when the Macreons could see that all the air and the earth were in wild uproar. Pantagruel answered, with that simple faith of his which gives the smallest dwarf the strength of the tallest giant, "Friend, it was God's will." ”

“ He had not forgotten that the wretched little King Anarchus, whom Pantagruel had given to him as a present, had been the chief cause of the invasion of the peaceful Kingdom of Utopia. If Anarchus had shown the spirit of a brave man among the stout and faithful Giants, who had fought to the death to keep his mean little body from harm, Panurge would never have dared touch him. ”

“ Gargantua, now that all the excitement had passed, felt that he had done a very silly thing, and could only say that the bells were not lost; but that if their worships would go to the stable, they would find them still hanging from the neck of his great Mare. After further talk, and much good drinking, the grave, black-robed men—who, if the whole truth were to be told, were not a little afraid of the Giant—picked up heart to say: "Give us back our bells, and we shall bind ourselves to give your Mare free grazing in the forest of Bière, so long as Your Highness honors us with your presence." ”

“ They couldn't help it; it was too rich; so they laughed till they were tired, and then began to laugh again till they were tired again.
"A rare bird is this young scamp," panted the Chief Equerry, as he lifted one end of the great beam which Gargantua called his hunting-nag.
"A prime joker is this young rogue, if he is a Prince," panted the Grand Steward, in echo, as he stumbled along with the other end into the hall.
There was no use in being mad at the trick young Gargantua had played on them. ”