George Bernard Shaw

“ MAGNESIA. They will not disturb us. Goodnight, Phyllis.
PHYLLIS. Goodnight, my lady. Goodnight, sir. [She retires.]
MAGNESIA. And now, husband, let us perform our last sad duty to our friend. He has become his own monument. Let us erect him. He is heavy; but love can do much.
FITZ. A litte leverage will get him on his feet Give me my umbrella.
MAGNESIA. True.
She hands him the umbrella, and takes up the bootjack.They get them under Adolphus's back, and prize him up on his feet. FITZ. Thats done it! Whew!
MAGNESIA. [kneeling at the left hand of the statue] For ever and for ever, Adolphus. ”

“ ADOLPHUS. Thanks, thanks, oh, thanks! [He drinks. A terrific fizzing is heard. He starts up screaming] Help! help! The ceiling is effervescing! I am BURSTING! [He wallows convulsively on the bed.]
FITZ. Quick! the rug strap! [They pack him with blankets and strap him.] Is that tight enough?
MAGNESIA. [anxiously] Will you hold, do you think?
ADOLPHUS. The peril is past The soda-water has gone flat.
MAGNESIA and FITZ Thank heaven!
Phyllis returns with a washstand ewer, in which she has dissolved the bust. MAGNESIA [snatching it] At last! ”

“ LADY MAGNESIA. It is a dream! a creation! [she turns him about to admire him.]
ADOLPHUS [proudly] I shall never be mistaken for a waiter again.
FITZ. A drink, Adolphus?
ADOLPHUS. Thanks.
Fitztollemache goes to the cupboard and takes out a tray with tumblers and a bottle of whisky. He puts them an the dressing-table. FITZ. Is the gazogene full?
LADY MAGNESIA. Yes: you put in the powders yourself today.
FITZ. [sardonically] So I did. The special powders! Hal ha! ha! ha! ha! [His face Is again strangely variegated.]
LADY MAGNESIA. Your complexion is really going to pieces. ”

“ A dull, heavy, rhythmic thumping—the beating of his heart—betrays his whereabouts. Soon he emerges cautiously and raises his head above the bed coverlet level. THE MURDERER. I can no longer cower here listening to the agonized thumpings of my own heart She but snoze in her sleep. I'll do't. [He again raises the dagger. The angels sing again. He cowers] What is this? Has that tune reached Heaven?
LADY MAGNESIA. [waking and sitting up] My husband! [All the colors of the rainbow chase one another up his face with ghastly brilliancy.] Why do you change color? ”

“ FITZ. Let us drown all unkindness in a loving cup. [He puts the gazogene on the floor in the middle of the room.] Pardon the absence of a table: we found it in the way and pawned it. [He takes the whisky bottle from the dressing-table.]
LADY MAGNESIA. We picnic at home now. It is delightful. [She takes three tumblers from the dressing-table and sits on the floor, presiding over the gazogene, with Fitz and Adolphus squatting on her left and right respectively. Fitz pours whisky into the tumblers.]
FITZ. [as Magnesia is about to squirt soda into his tumbler] Stay! No soda for me. ”

“ FITZ. [pressing the bust on him] Force yourself to take a mouthful. Down with it, Adolphus!
ADOLPHUS. Useless. It would not stay down. Water! Some fluid! Ring for something to drink [He chokes.] MAGNESIA. I will save you [She rushes to the bell and rings.]
Phyllis, in her night-gown, with her hair prettify made up into a chevaux defrise of crocuses with pink and yellow curlpapers, rushes in straight to Magnesia. PHYLLIS. [hysterically] My beloved mistress, once more we meet [She sees Fitztollemache and screams.] Ah! ah! ah! A man! [She sees Adolphus] Men!! ”

“ THE LANDLORD. Wotjemean?
MAGNESIA The plaster has set inside him. The officer was right: he is indeed a living statue.
Magnesia flings herself on the stony breast of Adolphus. Fitztollemache buries his head in his hands, and his chest heaves convulsively. The policeman takes a small volume from his pocket and consults it. THE POLICEMAN. This case is not provided for in my book of instructions. It dont seem no use trying artificial respiration, do it? [To the landlord] Here! lend a hand, you. We'd best take him and set him up in Trafalgar Square. ”

“ If you wake that man he dies.
THE LANDLORD. If e kin sleep through the noise you three mikes e kin sleep through ennythink.
MAGNESIA. Detestable vulgarian: your pronunciation jars on the finest chords of my nature. Begone!
THE LANDLORD. [looking at Adolphus] Aw downt blieve eze esleep. Aw blieve eze dead. [Calling] Pleece! Pleecel Merder! [A blue halo plays mysteriously on the door,which opens and reveals a policeman. Thunder] Eah, pleecmin: these three's bin an murdered this gent between em, an naw tore moy ahse dahn.
THE POLICEMAN. [offended] Policeman, indeed! Wheres your manners? ”

“ Opposite this chest of drawers, on the lady's side of the room, is a cupboard. The presence of a row of gentleman's boots beside the chest of drawers proclaims that the lady is married. Her own boots are beside the cupboard. ”