Henry Farrell

“ Lester made a small gesture with his hand. "Look, doctor," he said. "I know I'm not familiar with the way things are done around a hospital, but frankly I'm beginning to get a little worried."
"Of course you are," the doctor said emphatically.
"Huh?" Lester said.
"Expectant fathers are always worried," the doctor said and smiled stiffly.
"I'm not expectant any more," Lester said. "The nurse said everything was all right, that the baby was healthy and Ginny was doing fine."
The doctor looked at him, as though with sudden inspiration. "Would you like to see your wife, Mr. Holmes?" ”

“ Lester shot back. "And there's your answer to what's wrong with him. I should have married Fanny Gantner. My father always said so, and he knew women!"
"I'll say he did! He knew all the women in town!" Suddenly Ginny began to cry. "So that's what you're always thinking when you look at me like that! Fanny Gantner! Well!" Suddenly she spun around and ran from the room.
Lester sank into the chair at the kitchen table and ran a trembling hand over his face. "It's too much," he muttered. "It's too much for human flesh and bone to stand." ”

“ Ginny ran after her. "Mrs. Hilliard!"
"Let her go!" Lester called out, following along the hall. "Forget it."
In the kitchen, Ginny turned on him, a nasty glint in her eyes. "There!" she said hysterically. "Now, you've done it! She'll tell everyone!"
"No one will believe her," Lester said defensively. "They'll just think she's gone off her nut."
"They'll come here!" Ginny cried. "The reporters and everyone! I don't want to be known as the mother of the most insulting baby in the world!" ”

“ The root of the trouble was firmly set in reality, and if its subsequent fruit appeared somewhat eccentric it was probably because those forces which had dropped the original seed into the soil of Lester and Ginny's young lives had not made themselves and their motives clearly understood. It is not, after all, uncommon for the human animal to fear that which it cannot understand, and so it was with Lester and Ginny. ”

“ It was unthinkable, of course, that there should be a nurse—or any outsider for that matter—in the house during Ginny's recuperation. Therefore, it was necessary for Lester to take a leave of absence from the bank and remain at home. As a substitute angel of mercy, however, Lester found himself singularly lacking in certain basic qualities; he was constantly beset with an alarming impulse to do violence to the weak and helpless. ”

“ Suppose we find some way to make this anniversary baby really unusual?"
"Why sure!" Mac said jubilantly. "That's it! I always said you had brains, Haywood."
"Thank you, Mac," Haywood said uncertainly. "But what special quality shall we give this child? Can you think of anything?"
For a moment they stared at each other blankly. Mac twitched a wing.
"How about three hands?" he asked. "People are always saying how they wished they had three hands. It would make the kid a big help around the house."
"You've been away from Earth too long, Mac," Haywood said gently. ”

“ There the baby was placed on an adult-sized bed, where it sat up majestically against the pillow and watched with a jaundiced eye the unmasking of those assembled.
"The human race," he commented, "is certainly not an attractive one. You jokers make up as ugly a crew as ever blotted the horizons of hell. Not to mention that nurse you sent me. What a horror that one was!"
"She quit the hospital, you'll be delighted to know," the doctor said, bristling.
"And thereby provided the medical profession its greatest single advance in years," the infant retorted blandly. ”

“ High in those dim and timeless reaches of space without measure where the fate of mortal man is weighed and judged according to the individual, a storm of unique and dismaying design was at the moment of its inception. ”

“ Intermingled with this was the disgruntled rumblings of the doctors and the outraged mouthings of the truculent baby.
"Well, high time!" the infant yelled. "Get me out of this Bedlam before I lose my temper! How do you expect anyone to get any rest in a room full of howling brats!"
"Shut off that loudspeaker!" one of the doctors yelled, and a colleague rushed to a switch on the wall.
Lester wedged himself determinedly into the fast-closing knot around the crib. He shoved his face through an opening between two white-clad shoulders and looked up at the doctor across from him. ”

“ Haywood said worriedly. "The whole affair is disgraceful. I shudder to think what will happen to us when it comes to light in the higher echelons."
"We only wanted to do something nice," Mac said sadly. "How was we to know the kid was going to be a stinkin' genius?"
"The unknown element," Haywood sighed heavily. "The Higher Source. Even angels can be wrong when they take authority into their own hands."
"Who'd have thought a little baby could turn out to be such a rat?"
"He's not a rat," Haywood said. ”

“ Lester sighed. "He can't learn much from that."
"We're both far too edgy about Freddie, dear," Ginny said. "After all, he really hasn't shown any signs of dominating—not really since the beginning."
"I know," Lester said, "but what about this?" He held up the offending class paper. "I still think this tendency to get 'excellents' is dangerous."
"I know, dear," Ginny said, "but the doctors all said he was perfectly normal for a child of his intelligence." She patted his shoulder consolingly. "He's just bright, that's all, and we mustn't worry about it so much." ”

“ Haywood corrected absently. "I suppose you could regard the little chap as a sort of anniversary baby at that."
"You're darned right!" Mac nodded emphatically. "It's like we ought to do something about it—to kind of celebrate—like when a show house has fifty thousand customers and the fifty thousandth guy gets a free ticket or a smoke stand with a naked lady on top."
"But that's all in the line of advertising," Haywood said primly. "Crass commercialism."
"And what's wrong with advertising about babies?" Mac asked. "Babies are the best darned product in the world. ”

“ Then there was the sound of A.P.'s shrill voice.
"Rot!" the infant howled. "Drivel!" There was the sound of a book dropping to the floor. "I'm sick of this paltry fiction. If you two cases of arrested development can bestir yourselves from your childish bickerings, one of you go out and get me the financial news!"
Lester, even with his eyes closed, suddenly saw a great searing flash. He jerked back in his chair, got up and marched rigidly to the back door. Outside, he walked down the drive to the garage, got into the car and slammed the door. ”

“ You no doubt ran into my receptionist, my typist, my clerk and my dietician on your way in."
"We missed your clerk," Lester said shortly. "Just what do you and your staff think you're up to?"
"It's not what we think we're up to," A.P. said smoothly, "it's what we are up to. Already, since just this morning, I have become the financial advisor to the top ten industrialists in the nation, and the President. By evening, I expect I will also be the world's foremost news analyst, financier and political manipulator. ”

“ Try swatting someone your own size!'"
"The doctor said that?"
"No, the baby," Ginny said. "Wasn't it funny the way I imagined all that?"
Lester forced a smile. "Yeah," he said, "sure."
Just then a nurse, eyeing Lester with uneasy speculation, edged quietly into the room. "You'll have to leave now, Mr. Holmes," she said. "The doctors are waiting for you."
"Doctors?" Lester said, then decided to let it go; the hospital had became a dark and mysterious place. He leaned down and kissed Ginny lightly on the lips. "Get some rest, dear," he murmured. ”

“ You know the expression, 'if I had only known then what I know now.' People are constantly saying how much better things would be if they had only been born with the knowledge of a lifetime. How would it be if we arrange to have this child born knowing everything that he's destined to learn throughout all his earthly years? ”

“ She glanced up at them with no change of expression and went on working.
"Lester," Ginny said, touching Lester's sleeve, "I just want you to know that I'm not mad any more. Not at you."
"Me either," Lester said hastily and forged ahead.
At the door to the hallway, they were forced to give way to a lush and shapely blonde with very red lips. The girl wore a tight nurse's uniform and carried a bottle in her hand. She bustled past them and disappeared into the kitchen. They turned toward the nursery from which was coming the sound of many voices, underscored with a curious clicking noise. ”

“ Hilliard made a small wheezing sound and looked around uncertainly at Ginny.
"This is our neighbor," Lester said recklessly. "Mrs. Hilliard."
"Well, why come dragging her in here?" A.P. asked. "Surely it can't be milking time already." He regarded Mrs. Hilliard more closely. "She's certainly nothing to inflict on a mere infant."
"Well!" Mrs. Hilliard managed to wheeze.
"Quiet, wart nozzle," A.P. said imperiously. "You have one of those voices that grate on my nerves."
Mrs. Hilliard whirled on Lester. "Lester Holmes! Is this some sort of joke?" ”

“ You will be social lepers wherever you go."
"Oh dear!" Ginny whimpered. "What'll we do, Lester?"
"You have exactly thirty seconds to make up your mind," A.P. said. "I have to get on with business."
At this tense moment, the uniformed blonde entered the room with a fresh bottle in her hand. She proceeded to the crib and leaned down to A.P.
"Your new formula, sir," she said throatily.
Up to this point, Ginny had been a mere observer, looking on with dazed bewilderment. Now, however, at the sight of the sultry blonde, a glint that looked like militant and usurped maternalism flared in her eyes ”

“ A.P. said tersely. "Everywhere you look, inefficiency. It's appalling."
"And so are you!" Letter snapped.
"My father!" the infant said, rolling his eyes to the ceiling. "What irony!"
At this moment the nurse returned and the unhappy trio fell into a forced silence.
"The reporters," the nurse said uneasily, "they've gotten into the hallway somehow." She followed Lester's apprehensive gaze to the baby. "They want an interview—with all three of you."
Lester sighed deeply. "Oh, well," he said, and taking hold of the wheel chair he shoved it forward. ”

“ He tapped his slender fingers soundlessly on the cloud bank, producing a series of delicately swirled vapors. "But we haven't any free tickets or smoke stands with naked ladies to give away—and no way to give them, even if we had." ”

“ Mac slapped his broad hands together with enthusiastic approval. "Hey, that's wonderful!" he said. "It sounds classy, too. We make this million quadrillionth baby the most wised-up kid any pair of parents ever had. Write that down, Haywood, just like you said it. ”