Jacques Futrelle

“ Can yer imagine a human bein' in full possession of the intelligence the Lord gave him sittin' on a wagon with a compass in one hand, the reins in the other an' countin' the revolvements of a wheel with the third? ”

“ I have never yet had the pleasure of lookin' the devil in the face, whatever hopes I may have of the hereafter, but I'll wager me pipe that his countenancial appurtenances are more invitin' than that fellow's was at that minute. ”

“ The government was that thoughtful an' deceptive about it all that it sint me a map, showin' the homestead lands in Kansas. An' there on the map in letters so big they simply shouted for yer to look at thim, was the city of Kinsley, an' near it the Buckner River. Judgin' be the size of the letterin' on the map, I figured that Kinsley was at least as big at Philadelphy, an' me heart simply palpitated to get out there an' become a property owner, me never havin' owned anything prayvious to that time but a good old Irish thirst. An' the Lord knows I got that honest. ”

“ So finally I arrived at Oakley which was forty miles from Kinsley, so me map said.
"In Kansas in thim days they grew the land shark, a bird of prey who always had one hand in yer pocket, an' the other hand was a cloven hoof. He was the first type of the high financier, an' was indigenous to the adjacency of anything that was free. One of thim attimpted to clutch me, but I only had seven dollars left an' his reg'lar price was tin. So he took it out in abuse an' tellin' me what he intinded doin', bein' as he didn't get the seven. ”