Julian

“ Then Hermes proposed to examine the heroes personally and Zeus was of the same mind. Quirinus thereupon begged that he might summon one of their number to his side. "Quirinus," said Heracles, "I will not have it. For why did you not invite to the feast my beloved Alexander also? Zeus, if you are minded to introduce into our presence any of these Emperors, send, I beg of you, for Alexander. For if we are to examined into the merits of men generally, who do we not throw open the competition to the better man?" Zeus considered that what the son of Alcmena said was only just. ”

“ Accordingly the gods decided to entrust this enquiry also to Hermes, and he was told to begin with Alexander and to ask him what he considered the finest of all things, and what had been his object in doing and suffering all that he had done and suffered. "To conquer the world," he replied. "Well," asked Hermes, "do you think you accomplished this? "I do indeed," said Alexander. Whereupon Silenus with a malicious laugh exclaimed, "But you were often conquered yourself by my daughters!" by which he meant his vines, alluding to Alexander's love of wine and intemperate habits. ”

“ Govern well! The wickedest tyrants claim to do that. Even Dionysius, [88] I suppose, thought that he governed well, and so did Agathocles [89] who was a still greater criminal." "But you know, O ye gods," said Octavian, "that when I parted with my grandson [90] I prayed you to give him the courage of Caesar, the cleverness of Pompey, and my own good fortune." "What a many things," cried Silenus, "that do need really saving gods have been jumbled together by this doll-maker!" ”

“ Augustus, and first and foremost Caesar here?" [333] At this Octavian seemed abashed and said no more.
Then Hermes addressing Trajan said, "Now you tell us what was the principle that guided all your actions?" "My aims," he replied, "were the same as Alexander's but I acted with more prudence." "Nay," said Silenus, "you were the slave of more ignoble passions. Anger was nearly always his weak point, but yours was pleasure of the vilest and most infamous sort." "Plague take you?" exclaimed Dionysus, "You keep railing at them all and you don't let them say a word for themselves. ”

“ Besides, I never thought my son would prove so wicked. Youth ever vacillates between the extremes of vice and virtue, and if in the end he inclined to vice, still he was not vicious when I entrusted the empire to him; it was only after receiving it that he became corrupted. Therefore my behaviour to my wife was modelled on that of the divine Archilles, and that to my son was in imitation of the supreme Zeus. Moreover, in neither case did I introduce any novelty. It is the custom to hand down the succession to a man's sons, and all men desire to do so ”

“ Well then, if in the old age, as one may say, of Greece, you were barely able to reduce not the whole nation but an insignificant state which was hardly heard of when Greece was in her prime, what would have happened to you if you had had to contend against the Greeks when they were in full vigour and united? ”

“ O Zeus and ye other gods, when I took over the empire it was in a sort of lethargy and much disordered by the tyranny that had long prevailed at home, and by the insolent conduct of the Getae. I alone ventured to attack the tribes beyond the Danube, and I subdued the Getae, the most warlike race that ever existed, which is due partly to their physical courage, partly to the doctrines that they have adopted from their admired Zamolxis. [78] For they believe that they do not die but only change their place of abode, and they meet death more readily than other men undertake a journey. ”

“ As for Trajan, I should naturally rank higher on account of those same glorious exploits against the tyrants, while it would be only fair to regard me as his equal on the score of that territory which he added to the empire, and I recovered; if indeed it be not more glorious to regain than to gain. As for Marcus here, by saying nothing for himself he yields precedency to all of us." "But Constantine," said Silenus, "are you not offering us mere gardens of Adonis [83] as exploits?" ”

“ Let us summon by your leave a man not unwarlike but a slave to pleasure and enjoyment. Let Constantine come as far as the door." When this had been agreed upon, opinions were offered as to the manner in which they were to compete. Hermes thought that everyone ought to speak for himself in turn, and then the gods should vote. But Apollo did not approve of this plan, because he said the gods ought to test and examine the truth and not plausible rhetoric and the devices of the orator. ”

“ For no one can govern horses or cattle or mules, still less men, unless he sometimes yields to them and gratifies their wishes; just as physicians humour their patients in trifles so that they may make them obey in things more essential." "What now, little father," exclaimed Dionysus, "have you turned up as our philosopher?" "Why, my son," he replied, "did I not make a philosopher of you? ”

“ But the effect on Alexander was that he almost withdrew from the competition, had not mighty Heracles encouraged him and prevented him from leaving. Alexander drew the lot to speak second, [320] but the lots of those who came next coincided with the order in which they had lived. Caesar then began as follows: "It was my fortune, O Zeus and ye other gods, to be born, following a number of great men, in a city so illustrious that she rules more subjects than any other city has ever ruled; and indeed other cities are well pleased to rank as second to her. ”

“ Whereupon Silenus turned to Apollo and said "You see he models himself on you." "I will soon take off that wreath", replied Apollo, "for he does not imitate me in all things, and even when he does he does it badly." Then his wreath was taken off and Cocytus instantly swept him away.
After Nero many Emperors of many sorts came crowding in together, Vindex, Galba, Otho, Vitellius, so that Silenus exclaimed, "Where, ye gods, have ye found such a swarm of monarchs? We are bing suffocated with their smoke; for brutes of this sort spare not even the temple of the gods." ”

“ Depart then wherever you please, and in future live every one of you under the guidance of the gods. Let every man choose his own guardian and guide."
After this announcement, Alexander hastened to Heracles, and Octavian to Apollo, but Marcus attached himself closely to Zeus and Kronos. Caesar wandered about for a long time and ran hither and thither, till mighty Ares and Aphrodite took pity on him and summoned him to them. Trajan hastened to Alexander and sat down near him. ”

“ Next entered an old man, [27] beautiful to behold; for even old age can be radiantly beautiful. Very mild were his manners, most just his dealings. In Silenus he inspired such awe that he fell silent. "What!" said Hermes, "have you nothing to say to us about this man?" "Yes, by Zeus," he replied, "I blame you gods for your unfairness in allowing that blood-thirsty monster to rule for fifteen years, while you granted this man scarce one whole year." "Nay", said Zeus, "do not blame us. ”

“ Then Zeus asked the gods whether it would be better to summon all the Emperors to enter the lists, or whether they should follow the custom of athletic contests, which is that he who defeats the winner of many victories, though he overcome only that one competitor is held thereby to have proved himself superior to all who have been previously defeated, and that too they have not wrestled with the winner, but only shown themselves inferior to an antagonist who has been defeated. ”

“ After that do you dare to dispute the prize with me, who from childhood have commanded armies, whose exploits have been so glorious that the memory of them – though they have not been worthily recounted by historians – will nevertheless live for ever, [325] like those of the Invincible Hero, [73] my king, whose follower I was, on whom I modelled myself? Achilles my ancestor I strove to rival, but Heracles I ever admired and followed, so far as a mere man may follow in the footsteps of a god.
"Thus much, ye gods, I was bound to say in my own defence against this man ”

“ What other city, I ask, began with three thousand citizens and in less than six centuries carried her victorious arms to the ends of the earth? What other nations ever produced so many brave and warlike men or such lawgivers. ”

“ All the gods agreed that this was a very suitable sort of test. Hermes then summoned Caesar to appear before them, then Octavian, and thirdly Trajan, as being the greatest warriors. In the silence that followed, Kronos turned to Zeus and said that he was astonished to see that only martial Emperors were summoned to the competition, and not a single philosopher. "For my part, he added, "I like philosophers just as well. ”

“ What could be worse or more infamous. And since you have alluded as though insultingly to 'ten thousand Greeks,' I am aware that you Romans are yourselves descended from the Greeks, and that the greater part of Italy was colonised by Greeks; however on that fact I do not insist. But at any rate did not you Romans think it very important to have as friends and allies one insignificant tribe of those very Greeks, I mean the Aetolians, my neighbours? ”

“ Others when they had a war on their hands gave themselves up to indulgence, and preferred such base indulgence not only to future glory but even to their personal safety. When I reflect on all this I do not think myself entitled to the lowest place. ”

“ Again, Armenia and the neighbouring provinces were conquered by Lucullus, [66] yet for these also Pompey triumphed. [323] Then he became the idol of the citizens and they called him 'the Great.' Greater, I ask, than whom of his predecessors? What achievement of his can be compared with those of Marius [67] or of the two Scipios or of Furius, [68] who sits over there by Quirinus because he rebuilt his city when it was almost in ruins? Those men did not make their reputation at the expense of others, as happens with public buildings built at the public expense ”

“ I mean that one man lays the foundation, another finishes the work, while the last man who is in office though he has only whitewashed the walls has his name inscribed on the building. [69] Not thus, I repeat, did those men gain credit for the deeds of others. ”

“ The idea and the working out of the satire is Lucianic and there are echoes here and there of Lucian's Dialogues of the Dead, but Julian is neither so witty nor so frivolous as Lucian. In speaking of the gods he allows himself a licence which is appropriate to the festival, but would otherwise seem inconsistent with the admonitions addressed to priests in the Fragment of a Letter. His conception of the State and of the ideal ruler is Greek rather than Roman.
The Caesars [306] "It is the season of the Kronia, [3] during which the god allows us to make merry. ”

“ Lucian, The Rhetorician's Guide 11.↑ At Dyrrhachium; Plutarch, Julius Caesar.↑ An echo of Plutarch, Apophthegmata 206 d.↑ Heracles.↑ Suetonius, Augustus 16; during the campaign against Pompei when the fleet of Augustus was lost in a storm, he swore he would win in spite of Neptune.↑ Augustus was Julius Caesar's nephew, and his son only by adoption.↑ A Stoic philosopher; cf. pseudo-Lucian, Long Lives 21. 23; Suetonius, Augustus ”