Livingston Hopkins

“ If the gentle reader can make head or tail of it he is more gentle even than we had at first supposed. The publication of this map at the time naturally inspired others with the spirit of adventure, and discovering America became quite the rage. Indeed, so common were voyages of discovery to the New World, that only one besides that of Columbus is deemed of sufficient note to find a place in this history. ”

“ We have always from childhood’s hour instinctively recoiled from politics, and have thus far managed to keep out of Congress. If with equal success we can manage to keep out of jail for the rest of our natural existence we shall feel that life has not altogether been a failure. (This is what is called genuine broad American humor. If the reader can find nothing in it to excite his risibilities after a reasonable trial his money will be refunded.) ”

“ For further particulars the reader is referred to the accompanying sketch, which, with startling fidelity, portrays the scene at the thrilling moment when a new continent bursts upon the bold navigator’s vision. Pray cast your eye aloft and behold the great Christopher discovering America as hard as ever he can. The flashing eye, 16the dilating nostril, the heaving bosom, the trembling limbs, the thrilling nerves, the heroic pose, all vigorously set forth in a style which speaks volumes—nay, whole libraries for our artist’s graphic power and knowledge of anatomy. ”

“ AN INGENIOUS INVENTION.
200 ART MATTERS. The visitor to the Capitol, at Washington, will be struck with the paucity of American art, as evinced by the specimens of painting and sculpture to be seen in the Rotunda and immediate vicinity of that structure. Barrels of paint and whole quarries of marble have been sacrificed by an inscrutable Congress, whose sole object seems to have been to frighten its constituency away from the scene of its dark plottings with grotesque Washingtons, fantastic Lincolns, thinly-clad Indian ladies, and unprincipled looking Puritans. ”

“ Nature abhors a vacuum, and generally fills it with wind if it can do no better. Republics sometimes imitate her example, and the election of Mr. Buchanan was a case in point. He was chronically afflicted with “squatter sovereignty,” and spent most of his time in trying to comprehend American politics.
During Buchanan’s Administration John Brown and Sons undertook the contract of exterminating slavery, and as an initial step seized and burned the United States Arsenal at Harper’s Ferry. ”

“ Young is simply appalling.
AN APPARATUS to keep hens from setting is an effervescence of the fertile brain of, well, no matter who. It speaks for itself.
For further information on the interesting subject of Yankee ingenuity we commend the reader’s careful perusal of the United States Patent Office Report, a work unequaled for the brilliancy of its conception and startling dramatic situations, and which, for its conscientious adhesion to facts, only has a rival in the present work. ”

“ OUR PATENT OFFICE REPORT—IS NECESSITY THE MOTHER OF INVENTION?—A CASE IN CONTRADICTION—ELECTRICAL KITE—THE COTTON GIN—THE FIRST RAILWAY TRAIN—THE FIRST STEAMBOAT—THE PRINTING PRESS—THE ATLANTIC CABLE—MORMONISM—AN APPARATUS—ART MATTERS. Popular superstition has it that necessity is the mother of invention. We are sorry to deprive the world of an old saying, but we happen to know a person to whom the world is indebted for more useful inventions than any other person of our acquaintance, and her name is Accident. ”

“ But the public was not to be trifled with, so we resolved to put our shoulder to the literary as well as the artistic wheel, as it were, and we flatter ourselves we have demonstrated in these pages that truth is more of a stranger than fiction.
Our task is completed, and we lay aside pen and pencil, feeling that we have done the State a service and that a great load is off our mind. If the work we have just completed shall run through several editions we shall feel that the State has proved sufficiently grateful, and that a still greater load is off our mind. ”

“ SOME ABORIGINAL IDEAS—WISE MEN AT WORK—MOUND BUILDING FROM FORCE OF HABIT—SUBTERRANEAN MISCELLANY—THE LOST TRIBE THEORY WON’T DO—AUTOGRAPH SPECIMEN OF PICTURE WRITING—LIGHT AT LAST—PICTURESQUE HABITS OF THE INDIANS. The origin of the North American Indian has always been shrouded in the deepest mystery, and wise-heads of every age and clime have sought to tear aside the veil and show us our aboriginal brother in his true colors. ”

“ At first the horny-handed son of toil fondly hoped to raise corn, but owing to the poverty of the soil it was a day’s journey from hill to hill, and as much as a man’s scalp was worth to undertake to travel it. ”

“ However much inclined we may be by nature and experience to avoid the subject of politics as a rule, it now becomes our duty to make mention of certain exponents of American politics, but whether to their advantage 149or disadvantage will depend entirely upon the record they have left behind them.
We take it for granted, (you may have noticed that a great deal is taken for granted in this book,) that the reader is already acquainted with the duties of the President of the United States. ”

“ But Arnold was too much of a man of business to let a little drawback of that sort stand between him and a bargain. He said he would throw all these in if the other party was willing. The other party good-naturedly agreed to overlook all drawbacks, and sent his man Friday, Major André, to close the bargain and bring the property home. After a very pleasant interview with Arnold behind a haystack, which resulted to the satisfaction of both, Major André started for New York with the title-deed for the newly acquired property safely stowed away in his left coat-tail pocket. ”

“ FRANKLIN AND HIS KITE
186 ELECTRICITY was accidentally discovered by that famous American statesman and philosopher, Benjamin Franklin, while indulging in his favorite pastime of flying a kite. He ascertained that it was unsafe to fly a kite in a thunder storm unless you have a lightning rod attached to your spinal column. This important discovery conferred upon society the priceless boon of the lightning-rod man.
THE COTTON-GIN is an American invention, but whether it compares favorably with “Old Tom” or “London Dock” we are unable to say. ”

“ The Dutch, it would appear, turned out to be less blarsted than was at first supposed, and, shaking the dust from their wooden shoes, emigrated to New Jersey.
In the year 1636 it occurred to King Charles II to grant Connecticut a charter, which, considered as a charter, was a great hit. It gave the people the power to govern themselves. ”

“ Owing to circumstances over which I have no control, I am unable to take any further steps in that little matter of ours at present; the boys have in point of fact scooped me. You would have been a better man in my place. Hoping to meet you in the happy hunting grounds, I am yours, in limbo,
André. P.S.—By the way, hadn’t you better drop in upon our mutual friend General Clinton at New York and remain with him for a few days until it blows over? ”

“ Preyed upon by speculators and Indians, as Carolina was, few inducements were held out to emigrants of good moral character. Happily, however, about the beginning of the eighteenth century a distinguished colored gentleman poetically but forcibly announced his intention of emigrating to North Carolina “Wid de banjo on his knee,”—or was it Alabama? perhaps it was, but no matter. We are positive as to the banjo at any rate. It is a matter of regret that he selected so unagricultural an instrument to begin life with in a new colony.
81
A suppositious Early Settler of South carolina. ”

“ The reader will observe that nothing is now visible but a tall square sheet iron tube and an overpowering sense of garlic, which destroy at once our view and our appetite.
69 CHAPTER X.
A FLOOD OF HISTORICAL LIGHT IS LET IN UPON NEW JERSEY—ABORIGINES—THE FIRST BOARDING HOUSE—ORGAN-GRINDING AS A FINE ART. Not many generations ago New Jersey was a buzzing wilderness—howling would be a misnomer, as the tuneful mosquito had it all to himself. ”

“ THE FIRST STEAM BOAT—FASTEST TIME ON RECORD.
192The publication of a daily newspaper is one of the most lucrative professions of the day, and we strongly advise our American youth to abandon all idea of ever becoming President, and save up all their pennies to start newspapers with when they grow up. An ably-conducted daily newspaper brings from two and a half to three cents per pound at the junk dealers, when times are good. ”

“ This charter was afterwards annulled by King James II on his accession to the throne, who feared, no doubt, that the people of Connecticut would govern themselves too much, as the population was increasing rapidly. ”

“ The war which followed between the United States and Mexico was short but 169sanguinary, as the reader will admit on reference to our illustration, which, aside from its historical value, gives those of us who have never served our country an excellent opportunity of seeing how a battle is conducted without incurring any unnecessary risk. ”

“ In the year 1660 certain bills were lobbied through the English Parliament which were highly obnoxious to the American colonies then established in Virginia. These were called the Navigation Acts, and prohibited the colonists from sending their pigs to any other market than England, nor allowed them to purchase any article 91of commerce, not even a toothpick, from any other country, and even that commodity must be ordered from the King himself and delivered in English vessels. ”

“ WITH—A DESPERATE DISSENTER. Rhode Island was first settled by a desperate character named Roger Williams, who was banished by the Puritans from Massachusetts because he entertained certain inflammatory views decidedly antagonistic to the enjoyment of religious freedom, namely: that all denominations of Christianity ought to be protected in the new colony. ”

“ If the patient reader will be good enough to examine this picture with a powerful microscope, he will discover, standing upon the utmost prominence of the new world, and in imminent danger of falling off, a citizen of the country who welcomes the 17stranger with uplifted tomahawk and a wild war-whoop. ”

“ NEW YORK IN 1876
Any one comparing the two pictures accompanying this chapter will see how 67marvelously we have improved since the days of the Dutch. No. 1 is copied from an old print, dating back to 1620, and is warranted wholly reliable. It is undoubtedly the Sabbath day, for in the foreground is seen an influential citizen of the period, who has come down to the Battery to meditate and fish for eels. He is thinking “How many ages hence will this, his lofty scene, be acted over.” Presently he will catch an eel.
Sketch No. 2 is of more recent origin, and was taken from our artist’s window. ”

“ The Major, with great ingenuity, replied that he was a representative of the press from New York, and had been to headquarters 121to interview General Washington as to what he thought his chances were in the coming presidential canvass, and whether he, as an honest man, really considered himself a fit person to be entrusted with an army? ”

“ The latter carried with him a large supply of agricultural implements to remind the colonists that they must rely mainly upon the cultivation of cabbages, and devote their energies more or less to the manufacture of Apple Jack for their livelihood. But he soon saw his error, and immediately cabled over for a supply of mosquito nets to instill into their minds the axiom that “self-preservation is the first law of nature.”
Mr. Carteret opened a boarding house in Hoboken, to be conducted on strictly temperance principles, and devoted his leisure to the civilizing of the aborigines ”

“ They lived chiefly upon green corn and tobacco, 78which they cultivated in large quantities. When they ran out of funds the latter staple became their currency—the leaf tobacco being the paper money or “greenbacks,” and the same dried, mixed with molasses and pressed into blocks or “plugs,” represented specie or “hard money.” During the growth of the crop it was customary for the capitalist to dig up his stalks every night before going to bed, (previously watering them,) and lock them up in a patent burglar-proof safe, getting up before sunrise next morning to replant them. ”

“ AN INCIDENT OF THE REVOLUTION. It is always very noble and all that sort of thing when a nation or individuals sacrifice anything for a principle. Sometimes such sacrifice meets with immediate reward and sometimes the reward is delayed and the parties making the sacrifice have to wait indefinitely for their pay. ”

“ Instance of canine sagacity.
129If any one doubts the incident we have just related about the way in which the news of André’s capture reached Arnold, he has only to narrowly scrutinize our illustration, which treats of the moment when the sagacious quadruped reaches the American lines. With almost human intelligence he overturns the sentinel, who, doubtful of the nature of his business, has challenged his further progress. ”

“ In the work of art on page 172, we behold one of the latter journeying toward the setting sun, accompanied by as many of the luxuries of civilization as his limited means of transportation will admit of.
A Young Gentleman OF Culture ON His WAY TO CALIFORNIA.
173There seem to be one or two incongruities in this otherwise master-piece which we are at a loss how to reconcile with known laws of science. We allude more particularly to the phenomenon of the sun and moon shining simultaneously. ”

“ It is not for the unimpassioned historian to comment upon such a system of orthodoxy. We will say, however, that the Puritans meant well, and were on the whole worthy sort of persons. At any rate, Plymouth Rock was a success, and may be seen to this day (with certain modifications) in the identical spot where the Pilgrim Fathers found it.
50 CHAPTER VI.
CONNECTICUT—INDIAN DEFINITION EXTRAORDINARY—WHAT THE DUTCH THOUGHT OF THE ENGLISH, AND WHAT THE ENGLISH THOUGHT OF THE DUTCH—STORY OF THE CHARTER OAK—WOODEN NUTMEGS INVENTED. Connecticut is an Indian word and signifies Long River. ”