Madeleine L'Engle

“ Madame Perceval had taken Flip over the course of the race several times during the holidays so she was almost as familiar with it as the other girls who had been skiing it once a week with Fräulein Hauser.
They were all tense as they lined up at the starting point. Kaatje van Leyden gave the signal and they were off. Flip felt a sense of wild exhilaration as she started down the mountain, and she knew that nothing else was like this. Flying in a plane could not give you this feeling of being the bird, of belief in your own personal wings. ”

“ Paul looked at her severely. "You can't think much of me if you think I'd stop liking you just because a few silly girls in school haven't any sense. If they don't like you, it's because they don't know you. That's all."
"It's funny," Flip said, "how you can know someone for years and years and never know them and how you can know someone else all at once in no time at all. I'll never know Eunice. I'll always feel funny with her. ”

“ In the daylight there were no moving shadows; everything was as white and clean as the snow on the mountain peaks. Flip sat down and read her letter, warmed by its warmth. She was once again Philippa Hunter, a person of some importance if only because she was important to her father and he had taught her to believe that every human being was a person of importance. After she had finished the letter for the third time she put it back in her blazer pocket and sat there quietly, thinking about the picture she had been painting that morning, planning new pictures, until the bell rang. ”

“ After chapel that evening, when they were back in the Common Room, Flip pretended that she had left her handkerchief and slipped downstairs again to the cold basement. She was afraid of the dark but she walked slowly down the cold corridor, lit only by a dim bulb at the far end, blundering into the trunk room, filled with the huge and terrifying shapes of trunks and suitcases, before she opened the door to the chapel. ”

“ Madame Perceval, who had stayed at the school until the majority of the girls were safely off on their various trains, had arrived, and they spent the day skiing. They took a funicular up the mountain and skied until dark, stopping at an inn for lunch. Then, at Flip's favorite time of day when the sky was an intense green-blue and the bare branches of the trees were a delicate filigree against it and the first stars began to tremble above the mountain, they skied back to the gate house.
"Are you having a good time, Flip?" Paul asked anxiously. "Is everything all right?" ”

“ After lunch Kaatje van Leyden sought her out. "Look here, Philippa, I hear you're entering the ski meet."
Flip looked up at the older girl. "Yes, Kaatje."
"Fräulein Hauser says you can't ski."
"If I couldn't ski I wouldn't have entered the ski meet," Flip said. Her mind was beginning to feel cold and numb the way her hands did in the very cold mornings when she was out skiing.
"Did you know that the points made or lost in the ski meet count for the school teams?" Kaatje asked. "You could make a team lose for the year if you pulled it down badly enough in the ski meet." ”

“ Jackie said.
"I will." Erna swept up her jacks with a confident gesture. "If people have their legs and things blown off I'll discover a way to put them back or give them new ones off dead people."
Flip started to tell Erna that Paul wanted to be a doctor too, but Gloria, who didn't mind when she herself talked about glass eyes or false teeth, put her hands over her ears. "Oh, stop! Stop!"
"Well, dead people can give their eyes so blind people can see," Erna said, "so I don't see why they shouldn't give their legs and things, too." ”

“ Flip begged. "School's been lots of fun since Christmas."
"You've certainly changed," Paul said, looking down at his plate.
"Yes, I have. And it's lots nicer. I'm not the most popular girl in school or anything but they don't hate me any more, and Erna and Jackie and Solvei and Maggie are nice to me and everybody likes it because I draw pictures of them. Anyhow, you don't have to come in or say a word to anybody if you don't want to, you can go on avoiding institutions. But I want to ski back to school and I can't unless you go with me because I'm not allowed to be out alone." ”

“ Flip said icily, "I just wanted to go for a walk."
Eunice laughed. She laughed a great deal but her laugh never sounded to Flip as though she thought anything was funny. "So you went for a walk. Didn't you like the chateau, Philippa?" Eunice never called her 'Flip'.
"I don't like to look at things with a lot of other people," Flip said. "I like to look at them by myself. Anyhow I like the lake better. The lake and the mountains."
Mrs. Jackman looked over at Philip Hunter and raised her eyebrows. Then she slipped her hand through his arm. ”

“ Duvoisine had brought her as a peace offering, she could think of nothing but way after impossible way to let Paul know why she couldn't come to the chateau that afternoon.
"You look as though you had something on your mind, Philippa." Mlle. Duvoisine said when she brought in the lunch tray.
"I have," Flip answered in the strange raucous voice that issued in so unwelcome a manner from her throat. "Please, couldn't I get up, Mlle. Duvoisine? I'm not sick, truly, and I do so hate being in bed."
"What is this nonsense?" Mlle. Duvoisine asked sharply. "You can hear what you sound like yourself. ”

“ And she would stand on the hockey field when they chose teams, looking down at her toe scrounging into the grass and pretend that she didn't care when the team which had the bad luck to get her let out a groan, or the gym teacher, Fräulein Hauser, snapped. "Philippa Hunter! How can you be so clumsy!" And Miss Tulip glossed over Jackie's untidy drawers and chided Flip because her comb and brush were out of line. And Miss Armstrong, the science teacher, cried. "Really, Philippa, can't you enter the classroom without knocking over a chair?" ”

“ Through her blindfold she could not see the fog that was beginning to straggle in wooly-looking streamers about the playing fields and the grounds; but she could feel the damp seeping through her blazer and skirt and her body grow numb. Erna had bound her tightly and her muscles began to ache from standing and the tautened stockings of the rope dug into the flesh of her wrists and ankles and the darkness became oppressive instead of peaceful. ”

“ Most of Flip's classmates were standing with her in the Hall, surrounded by coats and parcels and suitcases and when they heard Monsieur Laurens tell Flip that Paul was outside they all made excuses to drift towards the window.
"What a dream boy," Flip heard Sally whisper to Esmée. "How did Flip ever get to know someone like that?"
"He must be younger than he looks," Esmée whispered back, and Flip repressed a grin.
Jackie and Erna came over to say good-bye to her. "Have wonderful hols, Flip," Erna said, shaking hands with her. ”

“ Then she began to long for her father to show the beauty to. She couldn't contain so much beauty just in herself. It had to be shared, and she couldn't whisper to the girls in her room to come and look. She couldn't cry, "Oh, Erna, Jackie, Gloria, come look!" Erna and Jackie must know how beautiful it was, and somehow Flip thought that Gloria would think looking at views was stupid.—Father, she thought.—Oh, Father. What's the matter with me. What is it?
Then she realized. Of course. She was homesick. Every bone in her ached with homesickness as though she were getting 'flu. ”

“ Flip answered, and her voice was harsh because for the moment tears were threatening her again. "I'm being sent to a boarding school and I don't want to go. Mrs. Jackman arranged it all." She looked out across the brilliant expanse of lake, scowling unhappily, and forced the tears back.
"What do you want to do?" Paul asked.
"I want to be an artist some day, like my father. School won't help me to be an artist." She continued to stare out over the water and her eyes rested on a small lake steamer, very clean and white, passing by. ”

“ I was desperate."
"It's what I'm here for, Philippa," Mlle. Dragonet said.
As Flip left Mlle. Dragonet's sitting room and started down stairs she wondered how she could ever live through the hours until the ski meet. The two months since the Christmas holidays had flown by like a swift bird but the brief time until the next day stretched out ahead of her like an eternity.
Erna met her when she got downstairs. "You didn't get your mail, Flip. I took it for you."
"Oh, thanks ever so much," Flip said. "Oh, wonderful! It's a letter from father. Thanks lots, Erna." ”

“ They all talked at once, laughing, shouting, telling each other about the holidays. Gloria could not wait to show them the black lace and silk pajamas Emile had sent her for New Year, nor to tell them about Flip's visit to the school chalet with Paul.
"You should see Pill's boy friend," she shouted, "you should just see him!"
"That child? We saw him," Esmée said in a disinterested voice.
"Out the window the day the hols began? Don't be a dreep, Es. He's no child. You're just jealous. Pill brought him to the chalet for lunch and he's dreamy, positively dreamy, isn't he Sal?" ”

“ My mother and father always told me my sense of humor was my weak point. It's awful to be born without a sense of humor. Sort of like being born color blind."
"Sometimes you can grow a sense of humor, you know," Madame Perceval told her. "Now I have an idea. Why don't you turn the tables on the girls and not be here when they come for you?"
"That would be wonderful," Flip said. "Only there's no place I'm allowed to go except the Common Room and they're all there. We aren't allowed in our bedrooms and if I hide in the bath room Miss Tulip will come and knock on the door." ”

“ Flip admitted. "I guess I do, most of the time."
"I know you're not happy here, Philippa, but when you make it so easy for the girls to tease you, you can't blame them for taking advantage of it. Girls can be very cruel, especially when they get the idea that someone is 'different'."
"But I am different," Flip said desperately.
"Why?"
"I'm so clumsy and I'm the tallest girl in the class. I'm as tall as lots of the seniors. And I fall over things and I'm not good at athletics, and I wasn't blitzed or underground or anything during the war."
Now Madame Perceval sounded really severe. ”

“ So Flip sat there and drank tea and ate Madame Perceval's cakes and felt warmth from far more than the fire seep into her.
Madame passed her the cake plate. "Have another. They come from Zürcher's in Montreux and they're quite special. I blow myself to them every once in a while. What do you want to be after you leave school, Philippa? An artist?" ”

“ She walked along beside him and suddenly he turned to her and smiled and his voice was Paul's voice again, "We're going to have wonderful times this winter, Flip!" he said. "When you learn how to ski we can go skiing together. And in the spring we can go for trips on the lake and in the summer we can go swimming. I'm glad you came to the chateau, Flip." ”

“ The school had once been a big resort hotel and it was an imposing building with innumerable red roofed turrets flying small flags; and iron balconies were under every window. The taxi driver took Flip's bag and led them into a huge lounge with a marble floor and stained glass in the windows. There should have been potted palms by the marble [Pg 14] pillars, but there weren't. Girls of all ages and sizes were running about, reading notices on the big bulletin board, carrying suitcases, tennis rackets, ice skates, hockey sticks, skis, cricket bats, lacrosse sticks, arms full of books. ”

“ And "Good-bye, Paul," she called through the door to him. "I'll be back with the picture as fast as I possibly can."
Ignoring his frantic shouts she hurried down the stairs. She was afraid that Georges Laurens would hear the commotion and come to investigate, but as she tiptoed past his study, she saw that he was deep in concentration, and Paul's cries were falling on deaf ears. Madame Perceval had taken Ariel with her so she need not be afraid that the bulldog would arouse Monsieur Laurens or even Thérèse.
She let herself out of the house. ”

“ I don't think I've ever been anywhere that was so beautiful. And at night I can look down the mountain to the lake and it's like something out of a fairy tale. And when there's a fog and sometimes you can see the Dents du Midi and then they disappear and then you can see them again—that's like a fairy tale, too. And the kids say we go to Lausanne and Vevey and Gstaad and places at half term and we're going to climb the Col de Jaman on Tuesday as the New Girl's Welcome and I expect that'll be beautiful only I'm not very good at climbing.... ”

“ Madame was saying. "Here's a clean sheet of paper and a piece of charcoal. Just draw anything you like. Either from something in the room or from your imagination."
For the past two days Flip had been thinking of three things, Paul, skiing, and Madame's daughter. She had not had another opportunity to ask Paul about Denise, how old she was, or whether she was alive or dead. Somehow Flip felt that she must be dead and that perhaps that accounted for the sadness in Madame Perceval's eyes. ”

“ Flip nodded.
"Imagine Percy being the Dragon's niece!" Then Gloria yawned. "I say, Philippa, have you any brothers or sisters?"
Flip shook her head.
"Neither have I. Mummy and Daddy didn't really want me, but I popped up. Accidents will happen, you know. They said they were really glad, and I'm not much trouble after all, always off at school and things. In a way I'm rather glad they didn't want me, because it relieves me of responsibility, doesn't it? I always have enough responsibility at school without getting involved in it at home."
Erna and Jackie wandered over. ”

“ Gloria muttered.
"You seem sort of confused." Jackie kicked off the other slipper.
Erna tightened her bathrobe belt. Miss Tulip had taken her over to Lausanne that morning and the gold braces on her teeth had been tightened; her teeth hurt and her voice sounded cross. "If you don't know where you were born we certainly can't accept you. Where were you born?" ”