“ Schoolboys, I may remark by the way, are the worst window offenders, owing to their diabolical practice of looking out of window in a tunnel—and, of course, nothing ever happens to them. What's the use of expostulating after the compartment is full of yellow, choking vapour. These boys should be leashed together like dogs and conveyed in the luggage-van.
The window is down. "W-h-oop," coughs an elderly man. "Do you mind, sir, that window being closed?" Polite mendacity and inward bitterness on my part towards the individual who has converted the compartment into an oven. ”

“ To-day every member of the community may be regarded as a railway traveller, so large a part does the railway play in modern life; and it will be admitted that, with all our improvements, the element of humour has not been eliminated from our comings and goings by train. We trust it never may. Here, then, is a compilation of the "best things," literary and pictorial, that have appeared in Mr. Punch's pages on the subject, and with his cheery presence as our guard, let us set forth upon our excursion into the Realm of Fun! ”

“ Wonder how a signalman can by any means contrive to keep a cool head on his shoulders, while working as one sees him in a signal-box of glass, and the temperature of the tropics.
Wonder if upon an average there are three men in a thousand who have never been puzzled by the hieroglyphics in Bradshaw. ”

“ Wonder if I can read by this lamp-light in the tunnel.
Wonder (to myself) why they don't light the carriages in a better way.
Wonder (to my fellow-passengers) that the company don't provide better lights for their carriages. Fellow-passengers say they wonder at that, too. We all wonder.
Wonder what makes the carriages wiggle-waggle about so.
Wonder if we're going off the line.
Wonder what station we stop at first.
Wonder if there will be a refreshment-room there.
Wonder (for the fifth time) whether I gave my writing-case to the porter, or left it in the cab. ”

“ In my opinion, the luncheon-basket arouses the worst passions of human nature, and is a direct incentive to deeds of violence. To say this is to cast an aspersion upon the refreshment contractor, who is evidently a man of touchingly simple faith and high imagination. Simple faith assuredly, for does he not provide on the principle that our insides are hardy and vigorous and unspoilt by the art of cooking? ”

“ If you travel in one, you run greater risks than in travelling in the ordinary carriages. I have known railway officials allow men to jump into them at the last moment before the train starts, with a mutual wink at each other and a very objectionable grin. ”

“ Wonder whether any railway guard or porter has ever been detected in the very act of virtuously declining to accept a proffered tip, on the ground that money, by the bye-laws, is forbidden to be taken by servants of the company.
Wonder how many odd coppers the boys who sell the newspapers pocket in a week by the benevolence of passengers.
Wonder what diminution there would be in the frequency of accidents, supposing directors were made purse-onally liable.
Wonder whether people take to living at Redhill because it is so redhilly accessible by railway.
To the Station. ”

“ When a luggage train is loading or unloading beside the platform of a station, it will be desirable to recollect the time at which an express is due, as unnecessary collisions cause much damage to the rolling stock, and not unfrequently grave inconvenience to first-class passengers. ”

“ But in the tunnel's crypt-like gloom,
The station's cramped reverberant room,
A gentler, graduated blast!
Do let it loose, whilst dashing past,
So shall it spare us many a pang;
That dread explosive bursting "bang"
Which nearly splits the aural drum,
The poor long-suffering tympanum!
[Pg 127]
"THE BLOCK SYSTEM"
Affable Old Lady (to ticket clerk—morning express just due) . "No, I'm not going up this morning, but one of your penny time-tables, if you please; and can you tell me"— (Shouts from the crowd, "Now then, mum!") ”

“ A railway train is the thief of time.
There is no place like home—but the difficulty is to get there.
The farther you go, the worse is your fare.
It's the railway pace that kills.
The great charm about a railway accident is that, no matter how many lives are lost, "no blame is ever attached to any one."
A railway is long, but life is short—and generally the longer a railway, the shorter your life.
A Distinction with a Difference.—Disappointed Porter (to Mate) . I thought you said he was a gentleman.
Mate. No, that's where you mistook me. I said he was a gent.
[Pg 73]
Sylvanus. ”

“ Lady (who has just entered carriage, to friend) . "Fancy finding you in the train! Why couldn't I have met you yesterday, now? I had such a wretched journey! But one never does meet people when one wants to!"
[Pg 59]
LA BELLE DAME SANS "MERCI"
[Pg 60]
"TOUT VIENT À QUI SAIT ATTENDRE"
Shouting heard—engine whistles frantically—breaks applied violently—train stops—accident, no doubt—alarm of first-class passengers—stout gent flies at communicator—child shrieks—terrified lady calls out, "Help! guard! What is it? Let us out!" ”

“ The débris of a train should be removed from the rails before an express is permitted to enter the tunnel in which an accident has taken place. As non-compliance with this rule is likely to cause much delay to the traffic, it should be obeyed when feasible.
8. As guards of excursion trains have been proved to be useless, their places will in future be filled by surgeons. Passengers are particularly requested to give no fees to the surgeons accompanying these trains, as the salaries of these officials will be provided for in the prices charged to the public for excursion tickets. ”

“ Country Cousin makes his way towards a carriage, but finds it full. Tries another with the same result, and is frantically endeavouring to open the door of a third-class compartment in which there is one vacant seat next a fat woman with a baby, when train moves on. ”

“ The Panic-stricken Passengers.—Allow an express train to arrive at the station of a rival company two hours behind its time. The travellers will, of course, be anxious to learn the cause of the delay, and will (again of course) receive no sort of information on the subject from the servants of the rival company. Should there be any nervous ladies in the train, the fun will become fast and furious.
A Lark in the Dark.—Start a train ten minutes late, and gradually lose time until it arrives in the middle of a long tunnel, and then stop the engine. ”

“ It must be admitted that some thirty years ago the pages of Punch literally teemed with biting satires on the management of our railways, and the fact that his whole-hearted denunciations of the inefficient service, the carelessness which resulted in frequent accidents, the excessive charges, the inadequate accommodation, could have been allowed to pass without numerous actions for libel, is proof of the enormous advantages which the present generation [Pg 6] enjoys in this great matter of comfortable, rapid and inexpensive transit. ”

“ Our Artist (who has strolled into a London terminus) . "What's the matter with all these people? Is there a panic?"
Porter. "Panic! No, this ain't no panic. These is excursionists. Their train leaves in two hours, so they want to get a seat!"
[Pg 100]
THE BRANCH STATION
Miss Tremmles (who is nervous about railways generally, and especially since the late outrages) . "Oh, porter, put me into a carriage where there are ladies, or respectable people, or——"
Porter. "Oh, you're all safe this mornin', miss; you're th' only passenger in the whol' tr'ine, except another old woman." ”

“ On reaching a station, the frightened passengers may perhaps dare to appeal to the guard! That autocratic official will of course, with much angry hustling and holloaing, declare that he can't stop to interfere, his business being, not to stay actual violence or prevent possible homicide, but to "keep time," and the ruffianly scoundrels go off shouting and singing "Rule Britannia" and telling their pals "what a bloomin' lark they've had in the Hunderground."
[Pg 185]
Ticket Clerk. ”

“ Station-masters should never permit a train to start more than forty minutes late, except when very busy with the company's accounts.
3. As complaints have been made that signalmen are overworked, these officers in future will occupy their boxes during the morning only. During the rest of the day the boxes will be closed. That the public may suffer no inconvenience by this arrangement, the trains will continue running by day and by night as heretofore.
4. A pointsman will be expected to notice all signals and to obey them. ”

“ ART!
Chatty Passenger. "To show yer what cheats they are, sir, friend o' mine,—lots o' money, and fust-rate taste,—give the horder to one of 'em to decorate his new 'ouse in reg'lar slap-up style!—'spare no expense!—with all the finest 'chromios' that could be 'ad! You know what lovely things they are, sir! Well, sir, would you believe it!—after they was sent, they turned out not to be 'chromios' at all!—but done by 'and!"— (with withering contempt) —"done by 'and, sir!!" ”

“ Is this train for Queen's Road, Bayswater?
Haughty Official. Yes, Queen's Road. Look sharp! She'll be off in a minute.
[Country Cousin scrambles through the crowd to a carriage; drops his umbrella; stoops to pick it up and on rising finds train three parts through the tunnel. Exit Country Cousin in a rage, to get a cab, having lost twenty minutes, the price of his unused ticket, his self-respect, and that of everybody he has come in contact with in the Metropolitan District Railway Station.
[Pg 41]
WHEN IN DOUBT—DON'T!
Scene—Country Station
Gent. ”

“ If you see an overcrowded portmanteau, accompanied by a double-locked despatch-box, you may know that urgent private affairs have induced Captain Bubble (Promoter of Public Companies) to leave the City hurriedly for Spain. ”

“ Looks out for an empty third-class compartment.
En Route
The seats are now all occupied: the Lady of Family is in one corner, next to a Chatty Woman with a basket, and opposite to an Eccentric-looking Man with a flighty manner.
The Eccentric Man (to the Lady of Family) . Sorry to disturb you, mum, but you're a-setting on one o' my 'am sandwiches.
The L. of F.???!!!
The E. M. (considerately) . Don't trouble yourself, mum, it's of no intrinsic value. ”

“ Railway Porter (to old lady travelling with a menagerie of pets) . "'Station-master say, mum, as cats is 'dogs,' and rabbits is 'dogs,' and so's parrots; but this ere 'tortis' is a insect, so there ain't no charge for it!"
[Pg 51]
LOGIC
Stout Party. "What! no room! Ain't that man just got out? If people can get out, people can get in!"
The Quickest of all Express Trains.—The train of thought.
Startling Railway Accident.—A punctual train.
Keep Your Temper.—Avoid entering into an argument with a deaf man in a railway carriage, as it is sure to lead to high words. ”

“ THE TWOPENNY TUBE
"Hi, guv'nor, there ain't no station named on this ticket!"
"No; all our tickets are alike."
"Then, 'ow do I know where I'm going?"
[Pg 70]
HIGHLY ACCOMMODATING
Stout Party (rather hot) . "Hope you don't find the breeze too much, sir?"
Fellow Passenger. "Oh! not at all, sir! I rather like it!"
[Pg 71]
SKYLIGHT VIEW—A RAILWAY STATION
[Pg 72]
Traveller (to Irish porter labelling luggage) . "Don't you keep a brush for that work, porter?"
Porter. "No, yer honour. Our tongues is the only insthrumints we're allowed. But—they're aisy kep' wet, yer honour!" ”

“ Patience on a trunk waiting for a cab
[Pg 151]
THE RAILWAY JUGGERNAUT OF 1845
[Pg 152]
AFTER A DERBY-WINNER-DINNER
Diner. "Ticket."
Clerk. "What station?"
Diner. "Wha-stashun ve-you-got?"
[Pg 153]
"THINGS ARE NOT WHAT THEY SEEM"
Mr. Foozler (who, while waiting for the last train, has wandered to the end of the platform, opened the door of the signal-box, and watched the signalman's manipulations of the levers for some moments with hazy perplexity, suddenly) . "Arf o' Burt'n 'n birrer f' me, guv'nor!"
[Pg 154]
"Third-class single to Ruswarp, please, and a dog ticket. ”

“ When the compartment is a third full, over-fill it with "merry" excursionists holding third-class tickets. The contrast between the "merriment" of the excursionists and the disgust of the ladies and gentlemen will be found a source of never-ending amusement.
A Wholesome Joke (added by Mr. Punch and suggested to the Passengers) .—Whenever you find yourselves subjected to the "fun" of the railway officials, write to the newspapers and obtain a summons against the directors of the company which you believe to be in fault. Verb. sap.
[Pg 8] ”

“ To run hurry-skurry at the sound of a bell, do seem only fit for a gang of workmen; and the bustle of railways do destroy all the dignity of travelling; but the world altogether is less grand, and do go faster than formerly. Off again, and to the end of our journey, troubled at the soup on my wife's dress, but thankful I had got my change, and not left it behind me at the Swindon station.
[Pg 121]
NARCISSUS
Little Podgers (who considers himself rather a lady-killer) . "Oh, I'm not going into that empty carriage; put me into one with some pretty gals."
Porter. ”

“ Passenger (in a whisper, behind his paper, to Wilkins, who had been "catching it" from the elder lady) . "Mother-'n-law?"
Wilkins (in still fainter whisper) . "Ye'"
Passenger. "'Got just such 'nother!"
[They console together at the next buffet.]
[Pg 184]
THE ROUGH'S RAILWAY GUIDE
The ready rough may always regard a third-class carriage, or indeed, any carriage he can make his way into with or without a ticket, on the Underground Railway as a sort of travelling Alsatia, where brutal blackguardism finds "sanctuary." ”