Nikolai Leskov

“ We must suffer all insults from you, as from the Emperor's emissary, but just because you have doubted us and have thought that we are capable of deceiving even the Imperial name, we will not tell you our secret, but you will please to carry it to the Emperor. He will see what sort of people he has in us, and whether he will suffer shame because of us."
But Platoff roared: "Come, you are lying, you rascals! I'll not part from you, but one of you shall go to Petrograd with me, and there I will put him to the question as to the nature of your cunning devices." ”

“ He questioned them this way and that, and craftily engaged them in conversation in all sorts of manners, after the fashion of the Don; but the Tulamen did not yield to him one whit in cunning, for they had suddenly caught an idea which they could not even hope that Platoff would believe in, and they desired to execute fully their daring plan, and then hand it over.
Said they: "We do not ourselves know, as yet, what thing we shall undertake; only, trust in God, and perchance the Imperial word will not be put to shame through us." ”

“ They fetched out the casket from behind the stove, removed its cloth case, opened the golden snuff-box and the diamond walnut, and there lay the flea, just as it had lain before.
The Emperor gazed and said: "How clever!" but his faith in the Russian workmen was not diminished, and he ordered that his favorite daughter, Alexandra Nikolaevna, be summoned, and commanded her: "Thou hast delicate fingers on thy hands—take the little key and wind up the belly machine of this nymfozoria as speedily as possible." ”

“ The Englishmen rated it at five thousand more.
"Pay them," said the Emperor Alexander Pavlovitch; and himself dropped the tiny flea into the little nut, and the key with it; and in order that he might not lose the walnut itself, he placed it in his gold snuff-box, and ordered the snuff-box to be placed in his travelling-casket, which was all encrusted with mother of pearl and fish-bone. [15] And the Emperor dismissed the English workmen with honor, and said to them: "You are the finest artisans in the world, and my people can do nothing in comparison with you." ”

“ Of course, there are no longer any such master-workmen in Tula as this fabulous, left-handed man; machines have evened up the inequalities of talents and gifts, and genius is not eager to struggle against industry and accuracy. Machines, while favorable to a rise in wages, are not favorable to artistic enterprise, which formerly exceeded measure, inspiring the popular fancy to the fabrication of legends similar to the one in hand. ”

“ Platoff came near getting into a great rage, because, says he: "Why such rascality? They have made a gift, and received a million for it, and all that is not enough! The case always goes with every article."
But the Emperor said: "Stop that, please," says he. "This is no business of thine; don't spoil my politics. They have their own customs." And he inquires: "What is the value of this walnut, in which the flea is lodged?" ”

“ And the Emperor ordered that a special Courier should carry the flea, a man learned in all tongues, and that the left-handed man should go with him, and that he himself should exhibit his handiwork to the Englishmen, and show what workmen we have in Tula.
Platoff made the sign of the cross over him: "May a blessing rest upon thee!" said he; "and I will send thee my own Caucasian vodka,—my kizlyarki—for the journey. Drink not a little, drink not much, but drink moderately." ”

“ The medical man ordered him to be placed in a warm bath, while the apothecary instantly rolled a gutta-percha pill, and thrust it into his mouth, and then they took hold of him, and laid him on a feather-bed and covered him with a fur coat, and left him to sweat; and that no one might disturb him, orders were issued throughout the whole Embassy that no one should dare so much as to sneeze. The medical man and the apothecary waited until the half-skipper had fallen asleep, and then they prepared another gutta-percha pill for him, laid it on a small table by the head of his bed, and went away. ”

“ Cossacks, coachman, and horses all began to work simultaneously, and bore away the left-handed man without his tugament; and the next day but one, as Platoff had commanded, they whirled him up to the Emperor's palace, and even, having over-galloped as was befitting, they drove past the columns. ”

“ The men of Tula, clever fellows and well versed in the art of metals, are also renowned as the finest judges in religious matters. Their fame in this respect has filled not only their native land, but even holy Mount Athos. They are not only experts at singing from the obscure ancient notes, but they also know how the holy picture of "the evening chime" should be painted; and if any one of them dedicates himself to the great service and enters the monastic life, such men have the reputation of making the best Monastery stewards, and they turn out the most capable collectors. ”

“ The Englishman hastened to Count Kleinmichel and made a row: "How can they treat him so? He has a human soul," says he, "even if he has only a sheepskin coat."
For this bit of reasoning they immediately chased the Englishman away,—because he had dared to mention the human soul. And then some one said to him: "You had better go to Cossack Platoff"—he has simple feelings."
The Englishman got at Platoff, who was now reclining on his couch once more. Platoff listened to him and recalled the left-handed man. ”

“ Such a road is not to be speedily traversed, and having traversed it, one recovers not quickly—the feet will remain like glass, and the hands will tremble for a long time thereafter.
Some persons even thought that the gunsmiths had been over-boastful in the presence of Platoff, and that afterwards, when they had bethought themselves, they had lost their courage, and had now decamped for good, carrying off with them the imperial gold snuffbox, and the diamond, and the English steel flea, which had caused them this trouble, in its case. ”

“ Then one assistant medical man told the policeman to take him to the Obukhoff hospital for common people, where they receive all people of unknown rank to die.
There they ordered a receipt to be given, and the left-handed man to be set upon the floor in the corridor until he should be examined.
But at the same hour on the following day, the English half-skipper rose, swallowed the second gutta-percha pill, ate a light breakfast of chicken and rice, drank airfixe, and said: "Where is my Russian comrade? I will go and seek him." ”

“ During the journey there was very little agreeable conversation between him and Platoff, because they had formed entirely different opinions; the Emperor thought that Englishmen had no equals in art, while Platoff insisted that our men had only to look at a thing and they could make everything,—only, they lacked good instruction. ”

“ Platoff departed from Tula; and three of the gunsmiths, the most skilful of them all—one a squint-eyed, left-handed smith with a birth-mark on his cheek and the hair upon his temples plucked out in the course of his apprenticeship—bade their comrades and their households farewell, and saying nothing to any one, took their wallets, placed therein the necessary food, and disappeared from the town. The only point about them which was remarked was, that they did not proceed towards the Moscow barrier, but in the opposite direction, towards Kieff ”

“ Thou sayest well, valiant old man, and I commission thee to establish this matter. This little box I do not want at present, in all my anxieties, therefore do thou take it with thee; and stretch thyself not again upon thy couch of vexation, but go thou to the peaceful Don, and hold there with my men of the Don internecine converse with regard to their life and loyalty, and as to what pleaseth them. And when thou shalt pass through Tula, show thou this nymfozoria to my Tula artisans, and bid them meditate upon it. ”

“ But the Emperor Nikolai Pavlovitch had forgotten nothing, and Platoff had barely terminated his internecine conversations, when he immediately inquired: "Well, and how have my Tula artisans justified themselves against the English nymfozoria?"
"The nymfozoria, Your Majesty," says he, "is still in the same space, and I have brought it back, for the Tula artisans could make nothing more marvellous."
The Emperor replied: "Thou art a valiant old man, but that which thou hast just reported to me cannot be." ”

“ The Englishmen burst out laughing and say: "Where's the objection in that?"
"There's no objection," replies the left-handed man, "only I'm afraid it would make me blush to watch and wait while she is getting herself out of all that."
"Is it possible," say they, "that your fashion is better?"
"Our fashion," he replies, "in Tula is simple: every woman wears a roundabout, [31] and even the greatest ladies wear our roundabouts." ”

“ Then the Cossacks picked up a beam in the street, fixed it under the roof-frame, after the fashion customary at conflagrations, and tipped the whole roof off the little house at one toss. But no sooner had they removed the roof than they instantly tumbled over backwards themselves, for such a spiral [21] of sweat arose from the artisans in their confined quarters, caused by their unresting toil, that it was impossible for an unaccustomed man, coming directly from the fresh air, to breathe it all at once. ”

“ Platoff says: "Well, then, you have nothing to brag about. Come to us, and we will treat you to tea with real molva from the Bobrinsky factories. [11]
But the Emperor plucked him by the sleeve, and said softly: "Please don't ruin my politics."
Then the Englishmen invited the Emperor to the last museum of all, where were collected all the mineral stones and nymfozoria [12] from the whole world, beginning with the hugest Egyptian Keramids, [13] and going down to the subcutaneous flea, which cannot be seen by the eye, though its bite is between the skin and the body. ”

“ Platoff took the steel flea, and as he passed through Tula on his way to the Don he showed it to the Tula gunsmiths and repeated to them the Emperor's words, and they asked: "And now, what shall we do about it, Orthodox believers?"
The gunsmiths replied: "We are touched by the gracious word of the Emperor, batiushka, [18] and we can never forget him, because he places reliance upon his own people; but what we must do in the present case we cannot say in one minute, because the English nation also is not stupid, but even tolerably cunning, and their art hath much sensible contrivance. ”

“ In front of every one of them hangs a multiplication table, and close by his hand is an erasing-board; [33] whenever an artisan does anything, he looks at the multiplication table, and verifies it with surety, and then writes down one thing on the board and erases another, and brings it into accuracy: what is written in figures turns out just so in fact. And when a holiday comes, they assemble in pairs, each takes a slender rod in his hand, and they go off to enjoy themselves in honorably dignified fashion, as is fitting. ”

“ The left-handed man gazed his fill at their manner of life and all their labors, but devoted most attention of all to one object which caused the Englishmen great amazement. He was not so much absorbed in their manner of making new guns as in the condition of the old ones. ”

“ That's a pity; 't would be better if you knew at least the four ordinary rules of arithmetic,—they would be far more useful to you than the entire Polusonnik. Then you would be able to grasp the fact that in every machine there is a calculation of powers, and although you are very clever with your hands, you have not taken into consideration that such a tiny machine as the nymfozoria is calculated with the most exact accuracy, and that it cannot carry its shoes. ”

“ Platoff began to assure him, and related the whole course of the matter; and when he had reached the point where the men of Tula entreated him that the flea might be shown to the Emperor, Nikolai Pavlovitch slapped him on the back and said: "Give it here! I know that my own people cannot deceive me. ”

“ He journeyed through all lands, and everywhere, by reason of his amiability, he always held the most internecine [2] discussions with all men, and all amazed him by one means or another and sought to incline him to their side. But he had a Cossack of the Don, named Platoff, attached to his personal service, who did not like this inclination, and, being homesick for his own hearthstone, he constantly sought to lure the Emperor to his home. ”

“ He said to himself: "The morning is wiser than the evening."
II
On the following day the Emperor and Platoff went to the museum. The Emperor took none of the other Russians with him, because he had been provided only with a two-seated carriage. [5]
They drive up to a smallish building—the entrance indescribable, corridors stretching out interminably, and a row of chambers one after another, and, at last, in the chief hall of all, divers huge busts, and in the centre, under a canopy, stands the Abolo Polveder. ”

“ It is a short, thick, round leather lash, all of one size, without a tapering tip. ↑ Uneducated for "stench." ↑ Document—that is to say, passport; the usual peasant word is "document." ↑ The genuine Russian form of saying, "I forgive you." ↑ It would be difficult to devise an outfit more comically unsuited to the whole style and bearing of the squint-eyed, left-handed Tula gunsmith. The kaftan of a Court singer (member of the Imperial Choir) is made of cloth, the hue of an American Beauty rose, elaborately trimmed with broad gold galloon. ”