Ralph D. Paine

“ Disguised as a tubful of washing, I made my way to the beach by night and swum off to the Dutchmen. If there had been one red-whiskered man aboard the vessel I'd ha' made a desperate attempt to lead a rebellion with him and upset the ruling dynasty. But there was no such luck, and they landed me in Batavia without a penny, yes, even poorer by the length of my whiskers than when I had been washed ashore on Lemuel Wilkins Island. On my way home I picked up a monkey that had been owned by a deef and dumb man in Borneo. ”

“ That didn't help none, me being a bloomin' brunette by profession, and I logged it along on my humble but happy course until the man from Maaloo Island come sneakin' ashore with his damn conspiracy. It was kept under cover awful close for six months or so. And it was a sad day for me when I fell an easy prey to his horrid temptations. It wasn't natural for a white man to stay satisfied with such tupenny jobs as Captain of Police and Maker of Whisker Combs for the Palace by Royal Warrant. I was itching for authority in high places, but my whiskers couldn't match my ambitions. ”

“ The Lemuel Wilkins Islanders flopped on their knees and surrendered, hook, line and sinker, body, soul and breeches which they didn't have none. The cheap human being of a King that was in power was tipped on his royal head and the Red Whiskers God took the throne without a murmur. ”

“ And there was people on this Lemuel Wilkins Island, big brown savages with no more manners or morals than this big red-whiskered son of mine. And the men on that island, they had whiskers, too, tropical, luxuriant whiskers they was, oh, such wonderful growths. When they come down to the beach to pick me up, they was truly a rare and noble sight. "It was the fact of my wearin' a fine upstanding beard that saved my life. They gave me a hut and fed me up, and I was treated with respect. It wasn't a month before I was beginnin' to talk their lingo and pick up their ways. ”

“ Wilkins carefully moored the horse, stern and bow, to the footscraper on the doorstep, after which he laid one end of the plank inside the cab and the other on the curb, thus making a little bridge. Touching his hat with a sailorly salute he addressed the interior of the cab:
"All's made fast shipshape and proper, father. Hawser's ashore and gangplank out. Come on, if you please."
A sprightly old man darted into view and ran down the gangplank. He was so gaunt that his clothes fairly flopped about his withered frame. ”

“ They put me to work in the laundry, doing up the royal whisker covers what was put on by the King and his Cabinet at night, same as we use nightcaps. There is things worse than death, just as the Good Book says that the bite of an ungrateful son is more grievous than the sting of a serpent. ”