Richard Brinsley Sheridan

“ Isaac. Yes, good father Paul, we are come to beg a favour.
Paul. What is it, pray?
Isaac. To marry us, good father Paul; and in truth thou dost look
like the priest of Hymen.
Paul. In short, I may be called so; for I deal in repentance and
mortification.
Isaac. No, no, thou seemest an officer of Hymen, because thy
presence speaks content and good humour.
Paul. Alas, my appearance is deceitful. Bloated I am, indeed! for
fasting is a windy recreation, and it hath swollen me like a bladder. ”

“ Enter ISAAC, crossing the stage, DON ANTONIO following.
Don Ant. What, my friend Isaac!
Isaac. What, Antonio! wish me joy! I have Louisa safe.
Don Ant. Have you? I wish you joy with all my soul.
Isaac. Yes, I come here to procure a priest to marry us.
Don Ant. So, then, we are both on the same errand; I am come to look
for Father Paul.
Isaac. Ha! I'm glad on't—but, i'faith, he must tack me first; my
love is waiting. ”

“ But, Louisa, are you really married to this modest
gentleman?
Don. Louisa. Sir, in obedience to your commands, I gave him my hand
within this hour.
Don Jer. My commands!
Don Ant. Yes, sir; here is your consent, under your own hand.
Don Jer. How! would you rob me of my child by a trick, a false
pretence? and do you think to get her fortune by the same means? Why,
'slife! you are as great a rogue as Isaac!
Don Ant. No, Don Jerome; though I have profited by this paper in
gaining your daughter's hand, I scorn to obtain her fortune by deceit. ”

“ O Lud! O Lud! here's a pretty fellow, to turn his daughter
out of doors, instead of an old Duenna!
Don Jer. And, O Lud! O Lud! here's a pretty fellow, to marry an old
Duenna instead of my daughter! But how came the rest about?
Duen. I have only to add, that I remained in your daughter's place,
and had the good fortune to engage the affections of my sweet husband
here.
Isaac. Her husband! why, you old witch, do you think I'll be your
husband now? This is a trick, a cheat! and you ought all to be ashamed
of yourselves.
Don Ant. Hark ye, Isaac, do you dare to complain of tricking? ”

“ Don. Clara.
Canst thou be a lover,
And thus fly from me? [Both unveil.]
Don Ferd. How's this? My sister! Clara, too—I'm confounded.
Don. Louisa. 'Tis even so, good brother.
Paul. How! what impiety? did the man want to marry his own sister?
Don. Louisa. And ar'n't you ashamed of yourself not to know your own
sister?
Don. Clara. To drive away your own mistress——
Don. Louisa. Don't you see how jealousy blinds people?
Don. Clara. Ay, and will you ever be jealous again?
Don Ferd. Never—never!—You, sister, I know will forgive me—but
how, Clara, shall I presume——
Don. ”

“ Brother Paul!
[FATHER PAUL comes from behind a curtain with a glass of wine, and in
his hand a piece of cake.]
Paul. Here! how durst you, fellow, thus abruptly break in upon our
devotions?
Port. I thought they were finished.
Paul. No, they were not—were they, brother Francis?
Fran. Not by a bottle each.
Paul. But neither you nor your fellows mark how the hours go; no,
you mind nothing but the gratifying of your appetites; ye eat, and
swill, and sleep, and gourmandise, and thrive, while we are wasting in
mortification.
Port. We ask no more than nature craves. ”

“ Don. Louisa. I protest, Clara, I shall begin to think you are
seriously resolved to enter on your probation.
Don. Clara. And, seriously, I very much doubt whether the character
of a nun would not become me best.
Don. Louisa. Why, to be sure, the character of a nun is a very
becoming one at a masquerade: but no pretty woman, in her senses, ever
thought of taking the veil for above a night.
Don. Clara. Yonder I see your Antonio is returned—I shall only
interrupt you; ah, Louisa, with what happy eagerness you turn to look
for him! [Exit.]
Enter DON ANTONIO.
Don Ant. ”

“ Louisa. Shall we not then return and thank my father?
Don Ant. But first let the priest put it out of his power to recall
his word.—I'll fly to procure one.
Don. Louisa. Nay, if you part with me again, perhaps you may lose
me.
Don Ant. Come, then—there is a friar of a neighbouring convent is
my friend; you have already been diverted by the manners of a nunnery;
let us see whether there is less hypocrisy among the holy fathers.
Don. Louisa. I'm afraid not, Antonio—for in religion, as in
friendship, they who profess most are the least sincere. [Exeunt.]
Re-enter DONNA CLARA.
Don. ”

“ Gadsbud, and a great fortune! Ferdinand, you are a prudent
young rogue, and I forgive you: and, ifecks, you are a pretty little
damsel. Give your father-in-law a kiss, you smiling rogue!
Don. Clara. There, old gentleman; and now mind you behave well to
us.
Don Jer. Ifecks, those lips ha'n't been chilled by kissing beads!
Egad, I believe I shall grow the best-humoured fellow in Spain. Lewis!
Sancho! Carlos! d'ye hear? are all my doors thrown open? Our
children's weddings are the only holidays our age can boast ”

“ Isaac. [Aside.] I'faith, then, my insignificance is the best friend
I have.— [Aloud.] I'm going, dear Ferdinand.— [Aside.] What a
curst hot hot-headed bully it is! [Exeunt severally.]
SCENE III.—The Garden of the Convent.
Enter DONNA LOUISA and DONNA CLARA.
Don. Louisa. And you really wish my brother may not find you out?
Don. Clara. Why else have I concealed myself under this disguise?
Don. Louisa. Why, perhaps because the dress becomes you: for you
certainly don't intend to be a nun for life.
Don. Clara. If, indeed, Ferdinand had not offended me so last night—
Don. ”

“ Well. I am not married
yet, though with a man who, I am convinced, adores me.—Yes, yes, I
dare say Isaac is very fond of her. But I shall anxiously expect your
answer, in which, should I be so fortunate as to receive your consent,
you will make completely happy your ever affectionate daughter,
LOUISA.
My consent! to be sure she shall have it! Egad, I was never better
pleased—I have fulfilled my resolution—I knew I should. Oh, there's
nothing like obstinacy! Lewis! [Calls.]
Re-enter SERVANT.
Let the man who brought the last letter, wait ”

“ But then, my friend, says he.—
Psha! damn your friend, says I. So, poor wretch, he has no chance.—
No, no; he may hang himself as soon as he pleases.
Don Ferd. [Aside.] I must go, or I shall betray myself. ”

“ Has he? let them be paid to our wine-merchant, and we'll
remember him in our cups, which will do just as well. Anything more?
Aug. Yes; Baptista, the rich miser, who died last week, has
bequeathed us a thousand pistoles, and the silver lamp he used in his
own chamber, to burn before the image of St. Anthony.
Paul. 'Twas well meant, but we'll employ his money better—
Baptista's bounty shall light the living, not the dead. St. Anthony is
not afraid to be left in the dark, though he was.— [Knocking.] See
who's there.
[FATHER FRANCIS goes to the door and opens it.]
Enter PORTER.
Port. ”