Various

“ Tired of the game, the player recuperates his wasted energies here by eating bird-nest soup and shark-fins, or drinking Portuguese wines. If he is sleepy, he may take the opium-pipe train of thought to the Flowery Land where every-day is Sunday.
At a “song-parlor” some Chinese dolls amused us with their squeaky voices and knife-scraping music. It sadly recalled my visit to a Hongkong house of pleasure whose almond-eyed inmates illustrated Confucius’ remark that “women had no souls,” and the Chinese philosophy which attributes death and evil to Yin, the female principle in Nature. ”

“ By this time Warren was sober enough to eat supper, which he did in a silence only broken when he inhaled the soup and drank his coffee.
“Why don’t you talk to me?” Helen demanded toward the end of the meal. “Don’t sit there like a dummy and never say a word. Men are such brutes!” ”

“ Helen exclaimed, “I can do the job as well as a steeple-jack, and the money saved can be used to buy a new worm for our still; the old one is almost worn out.”
Since Warren’s salary had been reduced from $3,000 to $2,984 a month Helen had watched every dollar, and the thought of paying a man 50 or 75 cents to paint the flag pole caused big tears to form in her eyes and run down her cheeks into the platter of fried mock turtle, which was her favorite breakfast dish. ”

“ Then the telephone rang and a deep bass voice informed her that Baby Winifred had been arrested for throwing rocks at the statue of Benedict Arnold in front of the city hall.
“Well, there’s nothing I can do till Warren comes home,” said Helen as she hung up the receiver and went out in the back yard to dig a hole to bury the neighbor’s bull dog which Pussy Purr-mew had just dragged in the house. “I wish the dear thing wouldn’t bring home all the dogs she kills,” sighed Helen, “but I suppose she wants to show me what a good fighter she is.” ”

“ In Havana it is forbidden by law to kiss your wife on the gang-plank, in a taxi or other public place. The usual fine for violation is $25.
Spooning custom here is quite different, too. In Cuba every residential window is protected by iron bars similar to our jails. It is through these barriers that lovers must cuddle and coo—at least until he becomes so nervous and tired from continual standing that he pops the question. ”

“ Those first gifts—those shy blossomings lovely in their unconsciousness—are surely but the squandering of something half alive, the foolish murder of a bud. Oh, youth is a wicked, cruel thing, eating miracles with its breakfast and not knowing they are not porridge. ”

“ Gambling, next to loafing and the manufacture of opium, is the principal occupation of the youngest and oldest inhabitants. Macao is the Oriental Monte Carlo. Gambling here is backed by the government which gets back a certain per cent of the earnings which it invests in hospitals, asylums and cheap lodgings for the people who have been beaten at the game. At this gambling-hell one could play at the big table downstairs, or drop into the game by lowering his money in a small basket from the balcony above. ”

“ However, with the able assistance of my good old pals, the Haig brothers, I am at last seated by a rickety old dining room table in an apartment overlooking the Malecon, Morro Castle and the Gulf of Mexico.
Confucius once said: “It is not the wine that makes a man drunk—it is the man himself.” [4] This filosophy applies to Cuba today. I have seen more “saloons” in Havana and fewer intoxicated persons than in any city in the United States, both before and since the adoption of the prohibition amendment. ”

“ A well-known actor was introduced to a chap who didn’t strike him particularly because he was prejudiced against men who talk in soprano voices. The next time they met he ignored the fellow entirely. A few days later he ran across the fellow again, but his face was still frozen.
The fourth meeting occurred in a cafe, and he of the soprano voice waltzed up to the disgusted actor’s table. ”

“ PROTEST AGAINST REALISM—“What is it one yearns for? It is to be able to do a thing for the first time again. And that is impossible. When I love, what do I want? I want never to have kissed, never to have given myself before. ”

“ THE GOAL OF HUMAN ACHIEVEMENT—“All my life I have been teased for asking not, ‘Is she beautiful?’ ‘Is she clever?’ but always ‘Is she happy?’ I think it is in many ways the most interesting thing about a person. ”

“ MARRIAGE—“We just are hopelessly unsuited to each other. Do you seriously think that you want a wife like me?” * * * “Marriage will modify you.” * * * “Marriage might modify me if I married the right man. Marriage to you would bring out everything you hate.” ”

“ If hungry, there was a free lunch counter extending [52] along the streets with tea and rice, live fish, glazed ducks, gory pigs, a choice assortment of fresh entrails, some dead dogs and rats, crates of yowling cats, and huge pots of slimy soup thickened with animal, vegetable and other matter that would make the Witches’ Cauldron in “Macbeth” look like a cup of consomme in comparison. ”

“ A man was hit by an automobile in front of the Whiz Bang News Stand at Sixth Street and Hennepin Avenue, Minneapolis, the other day. He arose rather dazed and ventured “Where am I?”
“Here you are, sir,” replied the book seller, “a map of Minneapolis for ten cents.”
* * * Doctors ought to get wise to themselves and hire some cabaret singers to entertain their prescription hounds in the waiting rooms.
* * * Mighty Obliging Kiss me cute, kiss me cunning; kiss me quick, my daddy’s coming. ”

“ Shortly one of the hounds raised his head, languidly, and sniffed suspiciously.
He scrambled to his feet, howled mournfully and dived beneath the bed, the others following him as if they had gone crazy. A piteous [10] whining and snarling issued from under the bed for several minutes, and the traveler became alarmed. The dogs must be mad.
He arose and opened the door, and the dogs shot from under the bed, and through the open door. Each departed, howling as if St. Nick was after him. ”

“ What a strange, restricted growth it is with you. You don’t know what the real thing means, you who think passion is bad taste because you are not tempted, you to whom the physical side is a degrading extra. ”

“ HOMELESS HUSBANDS—If you want a friend, a pal—a WIFE!—look for one like the Lonely Lady in BEAUTY AND NICK. Such as she is rarely to be found in this, the age of sex and shekels—surely not in the endless procession of poppy-painted dames and damsels, young as youth, wrinkled as an O’Shanter witch ”

“ Like mummies in a museum, they sleep unburied in their rich caskets and await the grafting geomancer, that oriental undertaker, who promises the relatives to find some place in the ground undisturbed by the Great Dragon. ”

“ China is becoming civilized now and stands her criminals up against a wall and shoots them. Here was a narrow alley lined with earthen pots covered with mats, under which were fleshless skulls. One of them seemed to look imploringly at me, and I picked it up. Alas, some poor Chinese Yorick! ”

“ Actors are the bunk. I heard one in Minneapolis knocking St. Paul and I applauded him, and I saw the same actor in St. Paul knocking Minneapolis and I gave him the razzberry.
* * * Our Spring Thriller
“I’ve got you at last,” he cried, “move if you dare, move! It’s taken me many years, but at last I’ve got you where I want you! Now I dare you to move!”
“Yep, you’re right,” replied his friend, “it’s the first game of checkers you ever did win from me.”
[21]
Questions and Answers
Dear Capt. Billy—If your pedigreed bull is a thoroughbred, why not have him registered?—Simon Simple. ”

“ As thou hast made thy bed, why lie about it?
[43]
Smokehouse Poetry In the April issue Smokehouse Poetry fans will be treated to an old classic, “Absolution,” by Nesbit.
“But the Priest’s duty bade him seek her out
And say, ‘My child, why dost thou sit apart?
Hast thou some grief? Hast thou some secret doubt?
Come and unfold to me thine inmost heart.’” * * *
And as the dim east brightened, slowly ceased
The wild devotion that had filled the priest—
And with full sunlight he sprang up—a man! * * *
“Oh, lips so quiet, eyes that will not see! ”

“ I know it would be rather tough on some of our Minnesota farmhands if the farmers should adopt a custom similar to Cuba.
* * * The first thing I learned in Havana was that the Cubans do not like the Whiz Bang’s traveling correspondent, Rev. “Golightly” Morrill. Mr. Morrill’s name is anathema to the average native, due undoubtedly to the fact that our reverend friend rarely deals out his views of life with kid gloves. He [5] sees the world from the standpoint of the betterment of humanity and in seeking to attain his end, strikes out in two-fisted manner. ”

“ Most women would have considered their day wrecked after such an incident, but Helen, after draining a dipperful of hemlock wine, dismissed the affair from her mind and started to repair one of the dining room chairs she had broken in a friendly argument with Warren the evening before. After several futile attempts to make the glue stick she gave it up as a bad job and flung the chair in the bath tub where she was certain Warren would not see it for months. ”

“ LOVE—“Isn’t that what love means, to fill ordinary, commonplace conventional things with magic and significance, not to need the moon and white scent-heavy flowers at night? * * * You talk about love. ”

“ Some kind-hearted man of money moves the motion that Manhattan’s mackerel munching macaroons be deported to Waikiki Beach to indulge in the popular Hawaiian pastime of poi-eating.
* * * Another Nut Story
“Mine is a sad case, Lady,” said the solemn visaged inmate of the asylum to the visitor.
“My parents fed me Gripe nuts; made me sleep up in the garret among the rats, in a ‘buggy’ bed and beneath a crazy quilt. My only pet was a squirrel, and my only toys, the wheels from a cuckoo clock.” ”

“ A normal woman would joyously go through life with a pirate or yeggman who would drug her with the opiate of flattery, in preference to hooking onto a nincompoop tango lizard who refreshes her with eternal, infernal, divinal criticism. ”

“ PASSION—Passion is no respecter of persons. She hardly seems to select her victims. How many a would-be Juliet waits in vain for those consuming fires her heart is longing for, while they blaze in the reluctant hearts of Mr. ”

“ Also introduced him to his eighteen-year-old daughter, who was the only other occupant of the cabin, unless we may include four lank hounds stretched before the fireplace.
The old man hastened out to look after his chores and the girl busied herself in the kitchen.
The cabin was typical of the region, having two rooms, one containing a bed and two chairs, and the other serving as kitchen and dining room.
The traveler, left to himself, took three or four heavy shots of the moonshine and soon forgot his weariness and the chill of the April day. ”

“ How in heck could a horny-handed tiller of the soil be expected to possess a dress suit? After thanking my kind auditors in as gracious a manner as possible, I suggested that probably Sir Harry might consider overalls more appropriate for me. Anyway I did not attend the reception. Next day my Friar friends told me about it and I was happily regaled with Scottish humor. ”

“ Dad allus kicks hell out’en the whole passell uv them when they do thet.”
* * * The Young Gringo Havana’s tropical sunshine, coupled with a few jolts of “Ron Bacardi Superior,” hath driven ye old cap’n to lyrical lines of lisping lingo. So I sit me down on my cane bottom chair with pencil stub in hand to transcribe that famous Cholo rhyme, “The Young Gringo.” The poem has to do with the proper actions of Americans in Cuba, and other tropical countries.
The first you must learn is to listen, not speak,
For the one thing we hate is a youngster with cheek,
Shut up from the first ”

“ Patrons not wearing bathing suits will find the cafe very comfortable.
* * * Has Your Wife Gone to the Country? (From the Denver Post)
Caring neither for life, limb or anything, I will consider any proposition you may have, regardless of what it may be; must earn money; do anything; go anywhere; fear nothing; answers confidential. I need money. Will go the limit to get it.
* * * One at a Time
Years ago when W. A. McConnell was manager of the Brooklyn theater he had a pet parrot which was kept in the box office. ”

“ Price 25 cents $2.50 per year
ONE DOLLAR FOR THE WINTER ANNUAL
Contents of this magazine are copyrighted. Republication of any part permitted when properly credited to Capt. Billy’s Whiz Bang.
[2]
“We have room for but one soul loyalty and that is loyalty to the American people.”—Theodore Roosevelt.
Copyright 1922
By W. H. Fawcett
Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang employs no solicitors. Subscriptions may be received only at authorized news stands or by direct mail to Robbinsdale. We join in no clubbing offers, nor do we give premiums. Two-fifty a year in advance. ”

“ We haven’t any left.
[1]
Captain Billy’s
Whiz Bang
America’s Magazine of
Wit, Humor and
Filosophy
MARCH, 1922 Vol. III. No. 31
Published Monthly
W. H. Fawcett,
at Robbinsdale, Minnesota
Entered as second-class matter May 1, 1920, at the postoffice at Robbinsdale, Minnesota, under the Act of March 3. 1879. ”

“ Ladies’ night in a Turkish bath.
* * *
Dear Skipper—Who are the leading Turkish rulers?—Jack Sellers.
Pasha Hat, Mustapha Beer and Esaad Enuf.
* * *
Dear Capt. Billy—What is your best definition of a diplomat?—Phillis Fullabunk.
A diplomat, Phillis, is a man who, when he [23] gets home late, sneaks into bed backwards so that if his wife awakes he can tell her he is just getting up. ”

“ And receive our 256-page bound volume of jokes, jests, jingles, stories, pot pourri, mail bag and Smokehouse poetry. The best collection ever put in print.
REMEMBER, FOLK
Last year our Annual (which was only one fourth as large as the 1921-22 book) was sold out on the Pacific Coast within three or four days, and not a copy could be bought anywhere in the United States within ten days.
So hurry up! First Come will be First Served!
Pin your dollar bill to the coupon and mail to the Whiz Bang Farm, Robbinsdale, Minn. ”