Various

“ Here before seven: place in utter darkness; found friendly policeman with bull's-eye light; tightened my belt; cocked my pistol; requisitioned Bobby and his lantern. You should have seen us groping our way into House; Bobby first, with bull's-eye lantern professionally flashing to right and left, under seats, into dark corners. Made straight for my old corner-seat below Gangway; something white gleaming on front bench; with supple turn of wrist Bobby brought flambeau to bear upon it; found it was Tanner—Tanner, hatless, coatless, without even a waistcoat on! ”

“ Dobson is so omnivorous, that he has read right through Jonas Hanway's Journal of Eight Days' Journey from Portsmouth to Kingston-upon-Thames, the book which drew from Johnson the genial remark that Hanway "had acquired some reputation by travelling abroad, but lost it all by travelling at home." A man that would read that, would read anything. ”

“ A German band in a country town couldn't come near it. Curiously enough, we most of us got urgent letters by next morning's post, summoning us home at once to attend to business, or to be present at the death-beds of relatives. I thought you'd like to hear this story, old cock. If you like, you're very welcome to shove it in your shooting series. I've seen a lot of rum goes in my life, but this was the rummest of the lot. And don't forget to let me have a word or two about talking to one's host. I know what I thought of that maniac Whichello, but I shouldn't have liked to say that to him. ”

“ Probably, therefore, an "Irish Phrase Book," giving the real "meaning" of Hibernian rhetorical epithets, would prove a great peacemaker, in Parliament and out. Colonel Saunderson, when he had recovered his temper, and with it his wit, "toned down" the provocative "murderous ruffian," into the inoffensive "excited politician." But what a pity it is that "excited politicians" so often string themselves up to (verbal) "ruffianism."
THE LAST LIGHT.
It scarce can be thou art the last
To fade before my watchful gaze;
So short the part that each one plays,
A flickering flame, and life is past. ”

“ A. Credit is the motive power which induces persons who have cash, to part with some of it to those who have it not.
Q. Can you give me an instance of credit?
A. Certainly. A young man who is able to live at the rate of a thousand a-year, with an income not exceeding nothing a month, is a case of credit.
Q. Would it be right to describe such a transaction "as much to his credit"?
A. It would be more precise to say, "much by his credit;" although the former phrase would be accepted by a large class of the community as absolutely accurate.
Q. What is bimetallism? ”

“ Such nice little ladies, too!
"The Liberal-Unionists have resolved to abstain from pairing during the present Session." So The Times. "Birds in their little nests agree," quoth the eminent Dr. Watts; but these Parliamentary Birds will belie their name of "Unionists" if they refuse to "pair." ”

“ Every corner-seat taken, and he prone in Jemmy Lowther's. 'Weren't enough o' them,' Tanner said, with his sixpenny snigger; 'couldn't leave put our revered leaders, Tim Healy and O'Brien, you know. So just took off my coat, flopped it down for Tim, hung the waist-coast on a knob, and there's William O'Brien's place secured for the night. Now, if you'd like a seat, you'll find one above the Gangway; or if you want to come and sit by me, here you are. I've got a necktie, a collar, and a pair of braces to spare ”

“ Out of a little planting, about fifty yards off the piece we were to shoot, came marching a troop of rustics, dressed as rustic beaters usually are, but each of them carrying, in place of the ordinary beater's stick, a musical instrument of some sort. They were headed by the keeper, who waved a kind of bâton. When they got to our covert, they arranged themselves in line, and then, on a signal from Whichello, crash, bang! ”

“ Lord Strathsporran is placed between Miss Seaton and his hostess, and opposite Mr. Gilwattle.
Lord Strath. (to himself) . Deuced quaint-looking people—wish they wouldn't all eat their soup at me! Why can't somebody say something? Wonder who's the Lady in black, all over big silver tears—like a foreign funeral. Don't feel equal to talking to Marjory again till I've had some Sherry. ”

“ Than never do a doss at all!
"Waite for the End."—On Friday last, at another Unemployed Meeting, a certain person, whose name is never mentioned in ears polite, "found mischief still," as wrote the immortal Dr. Watts, "for idle hands to do," and set one Waite, whether a light or heavy weight is not stated, and one Sullivan, by the ears. It was a hand-to-hand fight, and Waite was subsequently captured and brought before the Magistrate. Mem. for Waite, in the words of a recently popular song, "Never hit a Man of the name of Sullivan." ”

“ When he took his walks abroad, he wore three pairs of stockings. Jonas Hanway, under Mr. Dobson's care, is unexpectedly delightful. With the same magic touch he brings upon the stage Steele, Fielding, Goldsmith, Gray, Hogarth's Sigismunda, and Dr. Johnson, who lives for us again in his garret in Gough Square. These Vignettes should be framed in the private room of every man and woman who loves books.
(Signed) , "Non obstat," Baron de B.-W.
Discovered in Drury Lane
Near the new Baker Street Lodging House established by the County Council. ”

“ I find that, unless I know those languages, I have no chance of competing with German Clerks; whereas, if I did know them, I should be nearly sure of obtaining a berth in a London Firm at not less than fifteen shillings a week, rising, by half centuries, to fifteen and sixpence, and even to sixteen shillings. Also, what is the least amount of porridge (without milk or sugar) , haricot beans, or lentil soup, that will preserve a person from starvation, if he takes nothing else, and works fourteen hours a day? I intend imitating my Teutonic rivals in frugality, as well as in languages ”

“ Proverb for Members of Parliament who wish to secure Seats.—"Two Hats are better than one."
SELF-PRESERVATION IS THE FIRST LAW OF NATURE; OR, GETTING THE START OF CRINOLINE.
THE INFANT'S GUIDE TO KNOWLEDGE. Concerning Cash.
Question. What is cash?
Answer. Cash may be described as comfort in the concrete.
Q. Is it not sometimes called "the root of all evil"?
A. Yes, by those who do not possess it.
Q. Is it possible to live without cash?
A. Certainly—upon credit.
Q. Can you tell me what is credit? ”

“ Song from "As You Like It" (for the Member for East Galway, arranged by Colonel Saunderson, M.P.) .—"What shall he have who shot the Deer?"
A Bank Note.—The most likely time for obtaining payment "in hard cash," is when the Money Market "hardens a little," as was the case, so The Times Money Article informed us, last Friday.
[pg 66]
AN EARLY PURITAN.
Bobby (who sees his Mamma in Evening Dress for the first time, and doesn't like it) . "I'll write and tell Papa!"
"A STIFF JOB." Grand Old Ploughman sings:—
Speed the Plough! ”

“ Employment for the Unemployed.—On Tuesday, in last week, the Unemployed had their hands full, when at Temple Avenue they unsuccessfully attempted to overcome the effective resistance of the Police. The Unemployed might have been better employed. ”

“ The plan, successfully inaugurated, and, within the last fortnight, still more successfully carried out by Sir Druriolanus Operaticus Balmascus Pantomimicus, of giving what may be called "unstagey representations" of popular Operas—that is, popular Operas sung and acted without the aid of scenes or properties (though "substitutes" may be permitted, as, for example, a chair with four legs complete would represent a horse, and a round table a tower) ”

“ And Colonel Saunderson, comfortably seated on Front Bench below Gangway, in choice companionship with Dr. Tanner, actually yawning!
Historical Subject.—S-nd-rs-n "finding the body of"—T-nn-r.
"All very well for you, Toby, dear boy," he said, responsive to my polite stare. "You come down here leisurely in afternoon, and take your seat. I've been on war-path since before daybreak. Knew the wild Irishmen meant to open proceedings of Session by appropriating our seats. Have not served in Royal Irish Fusiliers for nothing. Session opened by Royal Commission at two o'clock this afternoon. ”

“ ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
House of Commons, Tuesday, Jan. 31st.—"Members desiring to take their seats will please come to the Table."
'Twas the voice of the Speaker; one could hear him declaim just as Big Ben tolled four o'clock this afternoon. House crowded in every part, throbbing with excitement; crowds everywhere. In Centre Hall some vainly hoping for impossible places; others content to see the men go by whose names they read in the papers. Outside Palace Yard multitude standing patiently for hours, happy if only they saw the tip of Mr. ”