Various

“ Hilda (comes out with a half-teasing smile) . Well—and how is the Rainbow-powder getting on, Dr. Herdal?
Dr. Herd. (with enthusiasm) . It is getting on simply splendidly. I sent the new Assistant out to take a little walk, so that he should not be in the way. There is Arsenic in the powder, Hilda, and Digitalis too, and Strychnine, and the best Beetle-killer!
Hilda (with happy, wondering eyes) . Lots of Beetle-killer? And you will give some of it to her, to make her free and buoyant. I think one really has the right—when people happen to stand in the way——! ”

“ Have you hit upon some way of giving it to Aline? I thought if you were to put it in her arrowroot——?
Hilda. No, thanks. I won't have that now. I have just recollected that it is a rule of mine never to injure anybody I have once been formally introduced to. Strangers don't count. No, poor Mrs. Herdal mustn't take that powder!
Dr. Herd. (disappointed) . Then is nothing to come of making Rainbow powders, after all, Hilda?
Hilda (looks hard at him) . People say you are afraid to take your own physic. Is that true? ”

“ Every year the monumental work increases in value, by reason of accumulated information. To the tired City man, scaling some Alp, gliding in well-found yacht over silver seas, or prone in bosky dell, there can be nothing more soothing or delightful than to take his "Burdett" out of his waistcoat-pocket, and read it through from first page to last. ”

“ Then the General from the War Office called up the rest of the Regiment.
"Now, Non-commissioned Officers and Men," said he, "you have no one to command you, and no one to pay for your marches out, prizes, and the rest of it. But don't let that bother you. You may still call yourselves Soldiers—not that I call you so myself. ”

“ Dr. Herd. (bitterly) . Am I never to have a gleam of happiness—? But stay—do I see my little Senna once more?
Rübub. Pardon me—my little Senna. She always believed so firmly in my pill!
Dr. Herd. Well—well. If it must be. Rübub, I will take you into partnership, and we will take out a patent for that pill, jointly. Aline, my poor dear Aline, let us try once more if we cannot bring a ray of brightness into our cheerless home! ”

“ Oxford can't win.
First W. I. M. (confidently) . Cambridge can't win. Anyway, I'll lay you ten pounds to five.
Inquirer. I should like to have a bet with somebody.
Average Man. You'd better write to one of the Presidents of the University-Boat Clubs. They're always ready to oblige a keen fellow like you with a bet.
Inquirer. Of course. That's my best plan. I'll write to-day.
[Terminus.
UPON TERMS. (A Forensic Drama of the Future.)
[In a recent trial, Mr. Justice Hawkins corrected a learned Counsel who talked about Witnesses "coming up to the scratch."] ”

“ Herdal's dwelling-house, and communicating with the Drawing-room and Dispensary by glass-doors. On the left a tumble-down rockery, with a headless plaster Mercury. In front, a lawn, with a large silvered glass globe on a stand. Chairs and tables. All the furniture is of galvanised iron. A sunset is seen going on among the trees.
Dr. Herdal (comes out of Dispensary-door cautiously, and whispers) . Hilda, are you in there? ”

“ You've no notion how they've grown! Yes, Nora, our marriage will be a true marriage now. You will come back to the Doll's-House, won't you?
Hilda-Nora-Helmer-Wangel (hesitates) . Will you let me forge cheques if I do, Torvald?
Helmer (ardently) . All day. And at night, Nora, we will falsify the accounts—together!
H. N. H. W. (throws herself into his arms, and helps herself to macaroons) . That will be fearfully thrilling! My—my Manager!
Dr. Herd. (comes out, very pale, from Dispensary) . Hilda, I did take the——I'm afraid I interrupt you? ”

“ The Foreman (interposing) . We do not object to colloquial expressions, my Lord. Y' see, we're a Common Jury, and we rather like them. All we want to do is to get on with the case. And perhaps it may assist the Court if at this stage I remark that the Jury has quite made up its mind, and is ready to give its verdict.
The Judge (astounded) . But—but—there has been no evidence for the defence!
The Foreman (calmly) . No, my Lord. But no doubt the learned Counsel's two Witnesses, had they been present, would have supplied some ”

“ Hilda. Dr. Herdal would disapprove—you really must not, Mr. Kalomel. And, besides, Mrs. Herdal is not at home. She is in the town buying me a reel of cotton. Dr. Herdal is in. He is making real Rainbow powders for regenerating everybody all round. Won't that be fun?
Rübub. Making powders? Ha! ha! But you will see he won't take one himself. It is quite notorious to us younger men that he simply daren't do it.
Hilda. ”

“ Oh, it's a specially fast kind of racing-boat, built by Clinker and Clasper. They're a firm of boat-builders—I thought everybody knew that.
Inquirer. But then, what does this paper mean by saying that Oxford are rowing in a Rough?
Second W. I. M. Why it means that their boat isn't so smooth as that of Cambridge.
Inquirer (puzzled) . But then it goes on to say that "She is as fine a specimen of a racing-craft as this eminent boat-builder has ever turned out." How can she be that, if she isn't as smooth as the Cambridge boat? Besides, who's "this eminent boat-builder?"
Average Man. Rough. ”

“ Second W. I. M. True enough I caught one, but that was because you would keep standing up in the boat, and moving your body backwards and forwards. I suppose you thought the coxswains do that in their racing-boats?
First W. I. M. (boldly) . They do. I've seen 'em doing it often.
Second W. I. M. Why, I thought you'd never seen the crews at all.
First W. I. M. Bosh! I never said anything of the kind. I'm not going to see the race this year, but I've often seen 'em practising down at Putney. Everybody knows the coxswains have to stand up. How do you suppose they could see to steer if they didn't? ”

“ Am I? But I don't quite see—— Well, well, cymbals are meant to clash a little. And I see plainly now that I ought to prescribe this powder for as many as possible. Isn't it terrible, Hilda, that so many poor souls never really die their own deaths—pass out of the world without even the formality of an inquest? As the district Coroner, I feel strongly on the subject.
Hilda. And, when the Coroner has finished sitting on all the bodies, perhaps—but I shan't tell you now. (Speaks as if to a child.) There, run away and finish making the Rainbow-powder, do!
Dr. Herd. (skips up into the Dispensary) . ”

“ Navy Estimates been talked round for nearly five hours. Squire of Malwood meekly hoped that a Vote would now be taken; Dicky Temple presented himself at footlights with bewitching smile on his lips and elegantly bound gilt-edged volume under his arm; bowed to audience; opened volume; proceeding to offer few remarks when Squire swooped down on him with Closure.
This was cue for Rasch. Chairman rose to put question. So did Rasch. Closure must not be debated; attempt to speak is unpardonable breach of order. The Major stood in the imminent deadly breach; House howled ”

“ First W. I. M. What's your difficulty? First is first, and Third's third, all the world over. Don't you see, the First Trinity men come first in the crew, and then the Third Trinity men.
Inquirer. But why don't some of 'em call themselves Second Trinity men?
First W. I. M. Oh, that's one of their silly bits of College etiquette. These chaps at the Universities are never happy unless they do things quite differently from all the rest of the world.
Inquirer. This beastly paper says, "the Cambridge stroke rowed much longer to-day." ”

“ Turns out the apprehension groundless. Milner only wants to know why Police at Leeds and Bradford should enjoy ultimate resources of civilisation in respect of "Scaith's silent boots," whilst London Policemen not so privileged? Milner tells me his earliest idea was to get a pair of the boots, put 'em on, and surprise Speaker by approaching with noiseless tread from behind Chair, lean over his shoulder, and suddenly say, "Boo!" That, Milner thought, would be conclusive proof of the efficacy of the boots as making the tread inaudible. ”

“ Order!" Rasch glared round, and, after moment's hesitation, sat down; up again as soon as Question was put; howls more anguished than ever. Committee having agreed that Question be put, nothing to do but put it, and here was Rasch bubbling over with speech. Chairman on his feet peremptorily signalling Major to sit down; Members near him tugged at his coat-tails; those further off frantically wave deprecatory hands. Major stood to his guns; shouts of "Name! Name!" Chairman, desperately pegging away, succeeded in putting Question, being money-vote for Navy. ”

“ If Cambridge can do it in 35 strokes, while Oxford take 37, it looks jolly like Cambridge winning by two strokes, don't it?
First W. I. M. All right; I'll lay you the odds on Oxford.
Second W. I. M. Good, I'll take 'em to five pounds. ”

“ Gladstone (the Old Blue) . "NOW, MY BOYS,—WE MUST ROW A QUICKER STROKE IF WE'RE TO WIN!"
[pg 140]
[pg 141]
MIXED NOTIONS. No. VIII.—THE BOAT-RACE.
Inquirer. Are any of you chaps going to the Boat-Race?
First Well-Informed Man. No, I shan't. Everybody knows which is going to win, so there's deuced little interest in the race; and then you can always read it on the tape at your Club. Besides, I don't care much about rowing. It's a silly sort of exercise; anybody can do it.
Second W. I. M. Have you ever tried?
First W. I. M. (indignantly) . Have I ever tried? Of course I have. ”