Various

“ The time has come when the truth must be known. The story I am about to tell will show my extraordinary friend, Picklock Holes, on an even higher pinnacle of unmatchable acumen than that which fame has hitherto assigned to him. ”

“ Our preparations for departure to Hungary were soon made. I hardly know why I accompanied Holes. It seemed somehow to be the usual thing that I should be present at all his feats. I thought he looked for my company, and though his undemonstrative nature would never have suffered him to betray any annoyance had I remained absent, I judged it best not to disturb the even current of his investigations by departing from established precedent. I therefore departed from London—my only alternative. Just as we were setting out, Holes stopped me with a warning gesture. ”

“ I ventured to interpose, "where is the diamond? Unless you restore that——"
"Potson," whispered Holes, almost fiercely, "do not be a fool."
As he said this, the door once again opened, and the Emperor-King entered the room, bearing on his head the turquoise crown, in the centre of which sparkled the great Samovar, "the moon of brilliancy," as the Hungarian poets love to call it. The Emperor approached the marvellous detective. "Pardon me," he said, "for troubling you. I have just found the missing stone under my pillow." ”

“ Home! home! Sweet, sweet home!
Though 'tis only a Tub, there is no place like home!
An exile from court, castles dazzle in vain.
Oh! give me my Tub and I'll gladly remain.
A proud Alexander I'm sorry (!) to snub,
But—keep your fine castles, leave me to my Tub!
Home! home! Sweet, sweet home!
Though you mayn't like its "climate," there's no place like home!
[Left curled up in it.
"PAS MÊME ACADÉMICIEN!" [Albert Moore, the exquisite decorative painter, died on September 25, at the age of fifty-two, "without Academic honour."]
"Love is enough." Beauty, it seems, is not. ”

“ His Tempter may be an entertainer assuming various disguises, and more and more like himself on every occasion, but a real devil he is not, except so far as Mr. Tree with wonderful art makes him; and, even then, the question is forced upon us, would any devil with any sort of self-respect, pick up a cross-handled dagger just as if it were an ordinary walking-stick, and politely return it to its owner? This is the first time that a devil on the stage hasn't shuddered and grovelled at the sight of a cross-handle. ”

“ The conclusion of this speech was greeted with loud "Eljens," the Hungarian national shout, in the midst of which we took our leave. That is the true story of how the peace of Europe was preserved by my wonderful friend. ”

“ Toovey is alone, making the tea.
Mrs. Toovey (to herself) . I cannot think what has come to Theophilus. He has come down late for prayers every morning this week. Such a bad example for any household, and Cook is beginning to notice it—I could see it in her eye as she came in. He is so strange in his manner, too; if I did not know he was absolutely incapable of—but why did he secrete that abominable programme of Charles's? ”

“ Those who can be content with the minimum of variety in the way of amusement, and with the maximum of health will assuredly find it here, where they can live the life of a sort of luxurious Robinson Crusoe—bathing, fishing, walking—five or six miles from the nearest railway station, and visited occasionally by steamboats, which cannot come in quite close to shore, bringing passengers, from whom tidings may be obtained of what is going on in the outer world.
Note—Of music on board.—Almost every steamboat is accompanied by a couple of instrumentalists—a harpist and a violinist. ”

“ The use of cavalry in battle.
In fact, by this most noble plan,
Which on your kind advice we're using,
Our conversation never can
Deserve your censure as amusing!
THE FOOL WITH A GUN. (To the Tune of the "Temptation of St. Antony.")
There are many fools that worry this world,
Fools old, and fools who're young;
Fools with fortunes, and fools without,
Fools who dogmatise, fools who doubt,
Fools who snigger, and fools who shout,
Fools who never know what they're about,
And fools all cheek and tongue;
Fools who're gentlemen, fools who're cads,
Fools who're greybeards, and fools who're lads ”

“ The inference of a Commander-in-Chief is even easier. You have only to assume that a penny-whistle has been found lying on the Horse-Guards' Parade by the Colonel of the Scots Guards, and carried by him to the office of the Secretary of State for War. Thereupon you subdivide the number of drummer-boys in a regiment of Goorkhas by the capital value of a sergeant's retiring pension, and——"
But the rest of this marvellous piece of concise reasoning must remain for ever a secret, for at this moment a bugle-call disturbed the stillness of the summer night, and Holes immediately paused. ”

“ Q. Then should science stop still until the rates become abated? A. That would be the practical course for science to pursue. Q. But leaving grievances out of the question, what can be said about education? A. That is a matter of secondary importance, when compared with the latest sanitary developments. Q. But how about the children? Have they been educated? What can be said about them? A. Nothing. So far as the School Board is concerned, the question of education in general is absolutely of secondary importance. Q. Then the career of a child need not be considered nor watched? ”

“ Will girls then all giggle with ringlets a-wriggle,
As most of the maids of my youth did, my youth did?
Will male "mutton-chopper," scowl pompously proper,
Like Dombey—as our sires in sooth did, in sooth did?
LIFE (AND DEATH) IN SOUTH AMERICA. (Diary of the week's doings, from our own Correspondent on the Spot.) ”

“ With the real fool's-cap, by a singular hap, "the Lord Derby" himself was invested.
Punch "advised his friend Gladstone to look out for squalls, and likewise look out his umbrella."
(Prophetic that, but then Mister P. was always that sort of a fella!)
You have used a good many "umbrellas" since then, both Old and New (Castle) "brollies,"
As you needed a stout one in Derby's storm, so you will, my dear William, in Solly's.
You have "had the honour of figuring," Sir, many times since then in my pages;
As I hope, my dear William, with all my heart, you'll continue to do—oh! for ages! ”

“ The fleet are still bombarding the forts, and the military charge every ten minutes the populace. The Judges, too, find cause for annoyance in the constant invasion of the judicial bench by armed artisans. Most of the fashionable part of the city is in flames, but this is a detail. However, taking all things into consideration, peace and tranquillity may be said to be now restored. ”

“ Who revels in ringlets curled carefully, carefully.
Oh how they doddle around her old noddle!
She's "songful," a taste which I share fully, share fully.
But when she will warble of Halls—they're of Marble,—
Or Meetings by Moonlight, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
To see curls, and passion, so out of the fashion,
Made mock of by "Up-to-date" Florry, -date Florry.
But ringlets reviving? Miss Twiddy's long striving
For "Passion's Response" mayn't be hopeless, be hopeless. ”

“ Tuesday.—Trade shows some signs of revival, but the continual bombardment of the Stock Exchange by the opposition fleet in the offing causes considerable confusion and annoyance. The Minister of War has retired into a parliamentary cave accompanied by the militia. It is considered not improbable that this member of the ministry may throw his ammunition into the scale against his colleagues. The Pauper Property Insurance Bill has not much chance of passing during the present year, unless its supporters can bombard the capital. ”

“ It is not going too far to say that thousands of men best fitted, physically and morally, to serve as officers or in the ranks, hold aloof from the Volunteers, because they are keenly alive to inefficiency of the average Volunteer. ”

“ So Theophilus has been deceiving me—this [pg 161] is his business with Charles! This is why he kept that programme! And he's allowing himself to be misled by his own nephew! They're going to this music-hall to-night, together! He shall not go—never while I—stop, let me think—yes, he shall go—he shall fill up the measure of his iniquity, little dreaming that I have the clear proof of his deceit! (She thrusts the slip she has torn off into her workbox, and replaces the envelope with the remainder of the order in the pocket.) There. He won't notice that anything is missing. He's coming back. ”

“ On account of the bombardment he and his family have been forced to reside in a distant greenhouse. The remainder of the consulate is razed to the ground. This being the President's birthday, the hall of the bureau has been crowded with infernal machines sent as presents. The loud ticking of the concealed machinery has caused several complaints to be made to the concierge. The President and his family have returned to the seaside. They are being hotly pursued by a large body of cavalry, infantry, and artillery. ”

“ Traffic in the main thoroughfares is suspended, because the roads are required for charges of cavalry, and the squares are now used for shell practice. The fleet have approached closer. This, of course, causes some additional damage; but as the populace can now hear the bands of the various ships during the pauses in the bombardment, the arrangement is rather popular than otherwise. ”

“ A. Unquestionably; because the conduct of the Educational Department is calculated to send up rates. Q. But does not the Department look after the sanitary side of the matter? A. Perhaps so; but sanitation is too expensive a matter to be treated without the maturest consideration. Q. Are the recommendations of the Department unreasonable? A. Very. The Board is required to make the most costly alterations in buildings that have already eaten up a large sum of money, and should not consume a penny more. ”