Various

“ As you come on, the idea is that you are suddenly attracted by an advertisement borne by the last of a string of Sandwich-men. You stop him, and begin as follows. By the way, as you are enacting an American, you will of course be careful to speak through your nose, whenever it occurs to you. ”

“ Oh, have no fear on that account, m'Lord. Elastic's the word, m'Lord. We've any number of different trees, and our leather is warranted to stretch to any extent. We'll even alter our favourite old-fashionable cut to suit such customers as you! ”

“ It has been sarcastically, and we believe wrongfully asserted by a Tory Earl that critics are men who have failed as authors; but a similar calumny has been perpetrated by Miss Elmira Jenks (whose satelliteship came to a violent end with the marriage of her bright particular star to Mr. Elliston Drury) who has not hesitated to declare in her unscrupulous paper that the modern teachers of elocution are ladies and gentlemen who have failed as actors and actresses. Mr. and Mrs. Elliston Drury nevertheless pursue the even tenor of their way; their elocution classes are well attended ”

“ You are twenty-five, and, in the classic dress of the Roman Maiden, you will appear twenty—not a day older."
"You are very kind," she said; "but flattery is pleasant when it encourages one's dearest hopes."
"We do not flatter—we speak as critics, and friends," they replied.
Mr. Elliston Drury, the new Tragedian of the Parthenon Theatre, who had come from the Provinces to astonish London, was the only Actor who had given Miss De Goncourt any real encouragement to persevere in the direction to which her ambition pointed ”

“ Elliston Drury to play the Roman Poet."
One of the company was in earnest. Miss Elmira Jenks believed in her hostess and friend. The others thought it "fun" to "egg on" Miss De Goncourt to make herself ridiculous.
"And why not take the part of the heroine yourself, dear?—nobody in all your intellectual set recites so well. Why not act in your own Tragedy—how delightful it would be!" ”

“ Foul is Fair.
(A Parliamentary Song of Sixpence.)
The Irish M.P.'s, who are born to the manner,
Can't see any harm in the language of Tanner.
In war for ould Ireland they boldly declare
That the course they pursue is quite (Donnybrook) fair;
And with joy each impulsive Milesian howler
Cries, "If 'Tanner' be foul, there's 'Bob' that is Fowler."
But Stooping to Conquer is always their plight ”

“ The special merit of the present production will be found in the care with which it has been watered down to suit the capacity of amateurs for whom the original would offer difficulties well-nigh insuperable. ”

“ Ask the leading actors, who had always dreaded the day when Mr. Elliston Drury should play a star part in a Metropolitan Theatre. No, Ladies and Gentlemen, Before the Dawn was a failure. Certain prominent critics were suborned to say so ”

“ If you guessed for a 'ole month o' Sundays. I passed it, old pal, in a punt!
"O Walker!" sez you, "that's 'is gammon!" No, Charlie, it's righteous, dear boy.
It's quite true that to chivvy Thames hanglers is jest what we used to enjoy.
Rekerlek that old buffer at Richmond, and 'ow we shoved foul of his swim,
And lost him a middlin'-sized barbel and set his straw tile on the skim?
Hangling isn't my mark, that's a moral, and fishermen mostly is fools ”

“ We have sent an Officer to inquire, and find that Lucy lives in Flower Cottage, Kensingbridge—she is the sender's wife. She says she knows nothing about the telegram. (Initials as before.)
Sixth Minute. Cannot the address of the sender be ascertained? (Initials as before.)
Seventh Minute. We believe the sender must also live in Flower Cottage, Kensingbridge. Shall we send an Officer to inquire? ”

“ Long complained that on addressing Tanner in Lobby after debate of Friday, Member for Mid-Cork had turned upon him and abused him in coarsest language. Old Morality moved that Tanner be suspended for a month. Many Members of opinion that O. M. need not have been so precise. As they were hanging him up, a month or two more or less would make no difference. Others laid the blame on Long, who opened the conversation.
"If a man touches pitch he must expect to be defiled," said Lady Parker, gyrating coquettishly in the Lobby. Sexton moved ad [Pg 48] journment of debate till Thursday. ”

“ Jack 'as cut me since then at the "Primrose Club," bust 'im! I don't care a toss;
Your angler is always a juggins, so he's no pertikler big loss.
Bell Bonsor is mashed on me proper, and if I'd a fancy to marry,—
But if there's a fish as ain't easy to 'ook it's
Yours artfully, 'Arry. ”

“ Last time he recited from this source the reporters, as he complained, had not reproduced the quotation. Evidently in strong force in Gallery to-night; working away at high pressure. Now the time, or never. So Denman rose and began—
"My name is Norval——"
Unfortunately Granville rose at same moment. Didn't seem at all interested in further biographical details, and recurred to Coercion Bill. Denman not to be turned aside.
"——On the Grampian hills,"
he continued; whereupon the Markiss rose and moved formal Resolution that Granville be heard. ”

“ An Officer from the Head Office had better be sent. (Initials as before.)
Ninth Minute. An Officer from the Head Office has been sent. The sender of the telegram is either out or says he is out. His wife declares she knows nothing about it. ”

“ Has the sender no other address besides Peacock's Priory, Morton's Repository, and Flower House, Kensingbridge? (Initials as before.)
Eleventh Minute. What is being done about that missing sixpence? A week since last reply. Its non-payment interferes with the Estimates. (Initials as before.)
Twelfth Minute. Nothing has been done. What can be done? (Initials as before.)
Thirteenth Minute. An Officer should call upon the sender of the telegram and demand payment of the sixpence. (Initials as before.)
Fourteenth Minute. An Officer has called several times, and cannot find the sender in. ”

“ Jest, to think o' Jopp busting up Barrett!—thar, call me a soft-hearted fool!
(Second emotional display; half turn, and use your handkerchief
with ostentation; the Sandwich-man is also affected, which you
observe with some surprise.)
Why, you air lookin' queer! Derned ef I kin see why! ”