Various

“ BUMSTEAD instantly resolved to clear him from suspicion in the new-comer's mind also.
"Reverend Sir," he said to the Gospeler, quickly, "in this sad affair we must be just, as well as vigilant I believe Mr. DIBBLE to be as innocent as ourselves. Whatever may be his failings so far as liquor is concerned, I wholly acquit him of all guilty knowledge of my nephew and umbrella." ”

“ Oh, that is it, he is always hungry—rub him on that. He thinks intently. Determination shows in every line of his face; the pen is almost gone only an inch remains, and then the Poet masters his subject. ”

“ A warmer welcome was never extended to a traveller in a strange land.
In case his readers should not be familiar with the animal, the accompanying drawing will give an admirable idea of the celebrated black-fly of the Adirondacks, which, with the grizzly bear and the rattlesnake, occupies the front rank among American ferocious animals.
After travelling on foot for a day and a night; drenched by rain; scorched by the sun; crippled by rocks and roots; frightened by rattle-snakes and panthers; blistered and swollen by poisonous insects; nearly starved; tired to death ”

“ I can not think that a person of your age would wantonly destroy a human life merely to obtain an umbrella."
Absolutely purple in the face, Mr. DIBBLE snatched his hat from a chair just as the Ritualistic organist was about to sit upon it, and was on the point of hurrying wrathfully from the room, when the entrance of Gospeler SIMPSON arrested him. ”

“ But, when set at large, the helpless youth could not turn a corner without meeting some bald-headed reporter who raised the cry of "Stop thief!" if he sought to fly, and, if he paused, interviewed him in a magisterial manner, and almost tearfully implored him to Confess his crime in time for the Next Edition.
Father DEAN, Ritual Rector of St. Cow's, meeting Gospeler SIMPSON upon one of their daily strolls through the snow, said to him:
"This young man, your pupil, has sinned, it appears, and a Ritualistic church, Mr. Gospeler, is no sanctuary for sinners." ”

“ When we visit ordinary places of summer resort, we require no particular outfit, (it being remembered that the "we" alluded to comprehends only males,) excepting a suitable supply of summer clothes. But when we go to the Adirondacks,—certainly a most extraordinary place of summer resort,—we require an outfit which is as remarkable as the region itself. ”

“ MURRAY took the party to Crystal Brook, Shanty Brook, Mainspring Brook, Tenement Brook, and more little mountain gutters of the kind than you could count on your fingers and toes. As an aristocratic residence, this region is certainly superior to New York, for the Murray Hills are as plenty as blackberries. ”

“ Judge CONNOLLY, after walking all the way from Yorkville, agrees with the Sun in believing, that something more than an umbrella tempted this young MONTMORENCY PADREGON to waylay EDWIN WOOD. To-morrow we shall give the public still further exclusive revelations, such as the immense circulation of the New York Sun enables us especially to obtain. ”

“ It is an established fact that persona who sleep on mattresses stuffed with pigeon's feathers never die. Near Salem, Mass., there is now a woman nearly two hundred years old, who has been bed-ridden and confined to a pigeon-feather bed for one hundred and fifty years. One of her descendants a shrewd man-has discovered that the pigeon feathers are growing musty, and proposes to replace them with the plumage of geese.
There is a wild man at large in the woods of Sullivan County, N.Y. He was once a fast man of New York City, and is so fast, still, that nobody can catch him. ”

“ I now swear that I will no more discuss either my nephew or my umbrella with any living soul, until I have found once more the familiar boyish form and alpaca canopy, or brought vengeance upon him through whom I am nephewless and without protection in the rain."
(To be Continued.)
CHINCAPIN AMONG THE FREE LOVERS.
MR. PUNCHINELLO: When Oratory, rising to its loftiest flights upon the wings of Buncombe, denounces with withering scorn the effete and tyrannical monarchies of Europe, and proclaims the glorious fact that this is a Free Country, Fellow Citizens! it hardly does us justice. ”

“ The lady should not be confounded with any of our New York "girls of the period" who bear, (or ought to bear,) her name.
Caution to Readers.
Seven steady business men of this city, four solid capitalists of Boston, eighteen Frenchmen residents of the United States, but doing business nowhere, and a German butcher in the Bowery, have just been added to sundry lunatic asylums, their intellects having become hopelessly deranged from reading the conflicting telegrams about the war in Europe. ”

“ Know, young man, that we scorn and repudiate the name of Free Lovers as applied to us by the newspapers. It is true we believe that Love should be untrammelled by the Hateful Bonds of Marriage. With us a Lady may have an affinity for any number of gentlemen, and vice-versa. ”

“ The French Nation is sovereign; the French people are sovereign; sovereigns are sovereign; every Frenchman is sovereign.
Paragraph 2. All men are equal, but Frenchmen are highly superior to all other men. ”

“ It is hardly good taste to introduce anything of a pathetic nature in an article intended to be humorous, but the following displays such infinite depth of tenderness, fortified by strength of mind, that I cannot forbear. ”

“ PUNCHINELLO, the women are Sealed to the men, but among these people they are not even Wafered. Your Own IDA may be anybody else's in the Oneida Community. The only individuals that object to Dividing are the children, who are generally opposed to Division, both long and Short, as well as to Fractions. ”

“ Having made up my mind to become a novelist, I naturally studied the productions of my predecessors, and found out, I assure you, in a very brief period of time, the little tricks of the trade. As I do not wish to have the business flooded with neophytes, I refrain from informing your readers how every man can become his own novel writer. ”

“ The following suggestive item appears in an evening paper:
"Illinois boasts of chickens hatched by the sun."
Well, New York can beat Illinois at that game. The chickens hatched by the Sun, here, are far too numerous for counting, and they are curses of the kind that will assuredly "come home to roost." ”

“ What wonder was it, then, that this young PENDRAGON with an Indian club and a swelled head should secretly slaughter the nephew and appropriate the umbrella of one of the most loyal and devoted Ritualists that ever sent a substitute to battle? In the mighty metropolis, too, the Great Dailies—those ponderous engines of varied and inaccurate intelligence—published detailed and mistaken reports of the whole affair, and had subtle editorial theories as to the nature of the crime. The Sun, after giving a cut of an old-fashioned parlor-grate as a diagram of Mr. ”

“ On this, as upon every occasion of the publication of the Sun, we shall leave out columns upon columns of profitable advertising, in order that no reader of the Sun shall be stinted in his criminal news. The Sun (price two cents) has never yet been bought by advertisers, and never will be." The Tribune said: "What time the reader can spare from perusing our special dispatches concerning the progress of Smalleyism in Europe, shall, undoubtedly, be given to our female-reporter's account of the alleged tragedy at Bumperville. ”

“ Citizens reminded each other, that when, during the rebellion, a certain PENDRAGON of the celebrated Southern Confederacy met a former religious chattel of his confronting him with a bayonet in the loyal ranks, and immediately afterwards felt a cold, tickling sensation under one of his ribs, he drew a pistol upon the member of the injured race, who subsequently died in Ohio of fever and ague. ”

“ After lookin' 20 minuts for a ball, then findin' the base before the batter did, who just as like as not had strayed out into another lot, it made the old fellers laff.
Sometimes two players would run into each other and go tumblin' over together. Then the "Umpire" would go and get them onto their pins agin, and give 'em a fresh start.
On each side of this interestin' match game, was two old men who went on crutches.
It was agreed, as these men coulden't run the bases, that a man be blindfolded and wheel these aged cripples about the bases in a wheel-barrer. ”

“ JOHN RUSSELL YOUNG as a correct photograph of the alleged murderer by ROCKWOOD, said:—"The retention of Mr. FISH as Secretary of State by the present venal Administration, and the official countenance otherwise corruptly given to friends of Spanish tyranny who do not take the Sun, are plainly among the current encouragements to such crime as that in the full reporting of which to-day the Sun's advertisements are crowded down to a single page, as usual. ”

“ P. "A man of your station and antecedents would not wish his private opinions to be made too public. You may rely upon my discretion."
"Well, then," said the reverend mountaineer, "I think the Adirondacks an unmitigated humbug, and I wish I had never let the world know that there was such a place."
"Why then do you come here every season, sir?" ”

“ A quiet gentleman who occupies lodgings immediately opposite one of the city armories, writes to us asking whether the drum corps that practice there two or three evenings in the week should not be supplied with noiseless drums, as PUNCHINELLO has suggested regarding the street organs. ”

“ So, MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON went forth from Gospeler's Gulch to seek harbor where he might; and, a day or two afterwards, Mr. BUMSTEAD exhibited to Mr. SIMPSON the following entry in his famous Diary.
"No signs of that umbrella yet. Since the discovery of the watch and seal-ring, I am satisfied that my umbrella, only, was the temptation of the murderer. ”

“ A player was bein' wheeled this way once, and the "outs" was down onto their marrow-bones tryin' to find the ball, when a splash! was heard. The wheel-barrer man had run his cart into a goose pond, and made a scatterin' among the geese.
"Fowl!" cride the Umpire.
The wheel-barrer man drew his lode ashore.
"Out!" hollers the Umpire.
And another victim went to the wash-bord.
Bets were offered 2 to one, that "The Roomatixs" would pass more balls—on their hands and knees—than the "Bloostockin's." These bets were freely taken—by obligin' stake-holders. ”

“ The editor of the Slunkville Lyre says in his last issue:—
"Notwithstanding the calumnies of Mr. SKINNER, our reputation is still good, and we continue to pay our debts promptly."
This is the fifth hoax he has perpetrated within two weeks. His line of business at present seems to be the canard line.
I'll trust him out of sight if I can keep one eye on him. Not otherwise.
For a light recreation, combining a little business, I recommend his funeral.
It is pleasant to reflect that men of his stamp are never born again. They are born once too much as it is. ”

“ Infants don't go for much among the Free Lovers, and are Put Out—to Nurse. After the age of Fifteen months they are surrendered by their Ma's to the Charge of the Two Hundred (the number of men and women in the Community,) who become their common parents, and the infants become common property. ”

“ We should say that we had quite as lief have the air full of those iron spheres, termed Cannon Balls, as it is now in France. It is true, one couldn't get many of these inside one with impunity; and equally true, that foundry men do manage to live, with all that iron in their lungs ”

“ We have only advanced from the simple to the more complex form of matrimony. Why should not the faithfulness which constitutes the wretchedly exclusive dual Marriage of the Wor-r-r-ld exist as well between Two Hundred as between two? ”

“ LAW VERSUS LAWLESSNESS. THE VIRTUOUS ALLIES OF THE NEW YORK "SUN" ENGAGED IN THEIR CONGENIAL OCCUPATION OF THROWING DIRT.
HIRAM GREEN ON BASE BALL.
A Match Game between Centenarians.—"Roomatix" vs. "Bloostockin's."
The veterans of the war of 1812 of this place, organized a base ball club.
It was called the "Roomatix base ball club."
A challinge was sent to the "Bloo stockin' base ball club," an old man's club in an adjoinin' town. They met last week to play a match game.
It required rather more macheenery than is usually allowed in this grate nashunal game of chance. ”

“ I found the Communists a very Social crowd, I can assure you. PROUDHON himself might be proud of such disciples, and DESIDERANT find nothing there to be Desiderated. The Communists divide everything equally, particularly the Affections, so there are no Better Halves among them. ”