Various

“ France has an Emperor, Prussia a King to lead them; we have a Queen who takes walks in the Isle of Wight; and her son—bah! a roué about town. Their marriage alliances are drag-chains, not bonds of love. Denmark does not forget our treachery in '65. Holland is afraid of France. We are safe from America yet. They are too much afraid of the German vote, thank Heaven, to side with France, but "Alabama" is her watchword, and she only waits to strangle us. LAFAYETTE and the Hessians are only memories, they have no votes. ”

“ DIBBLE.
"And it was good as new," groaned the organist, with but one eye open.
"Almost new!—what was?"
"Th'umbrella."
"Mr. BUMSTEAD," returned the old man, coldly, "I am not talking of an umbrella, but of Mr. EDWIN."
"Yesh, I know," said the uncle. "Awright. I'm li'lle sleepy; tha'sall."
"I've just seen my ward, Mr. BUMSTEAD."
"'She puerwell, shir?"
"She is not pretty well. Nor is Miss PENDRAGON."
"I'm vahr' sorry," said Mr. BUMSTEAD, just audibly.
"Miss PENDRAGON scorns the thought of any blame for her brother," continued Mr. DIBBLE, eyeing the fire. ”

“ Smelling about equally of eternal wash-day, casual cow-shed, and passing feather-bed, it sustains a lank, middle-aged, gristly man to come out at the same hour every day and grunt unintelligibly at the stage-driver, an expressionless boy in a bandless straw-hat and no shoes to stare blankly from the doorway at the same old pole-horse he has mechanically thus inspected from infancy, and one speckled hen of mature years to poise observingly on single leg at the head of the shapeless black dog asleep at the sunny end of the low wooden stoop. ”

“ The American country "hotel," or half-way house, is, perhaps, one of the most depressing fictions ever encountered by stage-passenger, or pedestrian afield: and depends so exclusively upon the imagination for any earthly distinction from the retired and neglected private hiding-place of some decayed and morbid agricultural family, that only the conventional swing sign-board before the door saves the cognizant mind from a painfully dense confusion. ”

“ Suddenly an idea strikes JACK. He has heard Uncle TOM talk of a big war between Frawnce and Proossia, and all about the soldiers and the cannon, and the big noises. Little JACK will make war on the pie. He will be Frawnce, the pie will be Proossia. He sets it squarely before him on the floor; rolls up his sleeves, may be; his eyes sparkle with determination; he finds the most vulnerable spot in the crust; he makes one bold dive with his thumb, it goes down, down down, crushing everything before it; it feels something ”

“ If there is anything in a name, no one will gainsay the observation that if hugging has lost its charm, Mrs. HUGG is the last person to make a fuss about it. She took her HUGG with a full knowledge of the circumstances, and it is contrary to public policy and good morals that her plea of "hugged out" should enable her to obtain the remedy which she seeks. ”

“ Association with the Wickedest Man in New York, the Honorable JOHN ALLEN, protégé of the Reverend OLIVER DYER, has evidently demoralized the pure beings who control the immaculate sheet known as the Sun, whose putrescent light "shines for all." ”

“ People of every grade and degree make a dead halt as they approach this centre of interest, and at once settle down for a prolonged inspection of the works before them. It is true that everybody has seen the same thing one hundred and fifty times, but this description of indulgence appears to grow by what it feeds upon, and the fascinated victim watches the operation of the workers with a gratification which knows no abatement. ”

“ As the acknowledged redresser of American wrongs and the enemy of public nuisances, we beg your attention to a vice which seems to be upon the increase, and which grows in strength with what it feeds upon. ”

“ Whosoever sleeps there of a night shall be crowded by walls which rub off into a faint feather-bed of the flavor and consistency of geese used whole, and have for his feverish breakfast in the morning a version of broiled ham as racy of attic-salt as the rasher of BACON'S essays. ”

“ There is also the pleasure of seeing others at hard work, and the indulgence of everybody's belief (which is common to all present,) that he or she could suggest an improvement upon the work proceeding, and the manner of doing it. Then they look at each other once more and depart contented.
Upon a moderate calculation, the amount of time devoted by human beings to this amusing study, in the City of New York, amounts to 2,450,000 hours per annum. ”

“ In the presence of Gospeler and constables, and loftily regardless alike of their startled wonder and the young man's protests, the maddened uncle of the lost DROOD deliberately examined all the captive's pockets in succession. In one of them was a penknife, which, after thoughtfully trying it upon his pink nails, he abstractedly placed in his own pocket. Searching next the overwhelmed Southerner's travelling-satchel, he found in it an apple, which he first eyed with marked suspicion, and then bit largely into, as though half expecting to find in it some traces of his nephew. ”

“ BUMSTEAD, pray be more calm," implored the Reverend OCTAVIUS.
"Mr. MONTGOMERY, this agitated gentleman's nephew has been mysteriously missing ever since he went out with you at midnight: also an alpaca umbrella." ”

“ Citizen approaches the scene of interest, and sees crowds of spectators upon each side; he glances at the workmen, and, after taking stock of both them and the overseer, proceeds to read the opinion of his fellows in their faces, after which he settles down in right earnest with his hands in his pockets for a prolonged stare. ”

“ There are all sorts of threatening shadows around, and but one light; that is a war flame. Let me sleep. To-morrow the gaping thousands will ask a sign. It may come, but it shall be hoisted on the Rhine, and, helpless tide waiters, we cannot tell from which side it shall come. Ah! 'Uneasy sits the man on the ministerial bench,' as SHAKESPEARE would say to-day, for the crown that he spoke of is an ornament in the tower."
REPORTER
Magnetic
Polish soldiers should choose the needle gun. The needle is always true to the Pole. ”

“ The New York State Suffrage Circus is able to paddle her own stone bote. Bosting to the contrary not-with-out-standin'-up.
Resolved finally: We is the original JACOBS, and if Bosting don't like the cut of our Jib, let her lump it.
(Grate applaws.)
A strange lookin' woman, who wore a swaller tail cote, red the follerin resolutions:
Whereas: Woman has a spear, it hain't to cook vittles—darn stockin's—tend baby and try to make her husbin happy.
Whereas: Man is a brute—woman an angle. Man can vote—woman can't. ”

“ They may have foreseen how apt the sweet people are to confer immortality upon those whose death becomes them better than their life, and therefore wisely forebore to disturb those blissful with murderers and felons which seem to bind the Satellites of the Sun and the denizens of the Tombs together. ”

“ If the spectator is a man of business, it is just possible that he may content himself with measuring the size of the blocks with his eye, and then pass on, content to know that he, as one out of many taxpayers, is getting the value of what they are called on to pay for. ”

“ Were we certain that heaving a fire-cracker into an open mouth would always produce such a result, we should certainly hire some one to shut up the noisier of our public nuisances—such as G.F. TRAIN, and several members of Congress. This could be easily done, as their mouths are always open, and usually are very large ones. ”

“ ROBERT BONNER to emigrate thither, and so risk the probability of being advertised as a "gay and festive cuss."
SHIP AHOY!
Of all public performers, there are none who "draw" better than the gymnasts who risk their necks by attempting hazardous feats. The fool who attaches himself by the heels to the car of an ascending balloon is sure to have thousands of feeble-minded females waving handkerchiefs at him. ”

“ The trip was full of discomforts, and there was great danger, at one time, that the train would arrive at Niagara with a load of desiccated bodies. Of course the water all boiled away in the engine-tanks, causing endless stoppages; and of course the hot sun, pouring directly upon the roof of the cars, caused the boards thereof to curl up and twist about in such fantastic fashion, that they afforded no protection whatever to the passengers, who were obliged to resort to sunshades and umbrellas, or get under the seats. ”

“ The old man in Wall street, with white hair and white necktie, and smooth polished tongue, has his degree of bliss when he is engaged in throwing stones at the Apes in the tree-top, that they may return the throw with gold cocoa-nuts. ”

“ The nice young man has his degree of bliss when he chews a tooth-pick—poor goose! (not the nice young man, but the fowl which gave the quill,) —and is given a smile by a dark-eyed female in a passing stage.
And Infantdom has—But our poet beautifully illustrates this in the stanzas we have quoted.
"Little JACK HORNER,"
says he, with the easy grace of one perfectly familiar with the subject he is to treat; neither frightened at its immensity, nor putting himself in the way of a dilemma by stopping to examine details. ”

“ Some folks don't seem to care what they spend when they come here, and no sooner arrive at the Branch than they Branch out into all sorts of extravagance. There is some superb horseflesh here just now, and the fastest nags may be seen doing their Level best on the Smooth Beach. ”

“ Therefore, I ask as a personal favor, seein' that BARNUM sarved me same's he did old Plymouth Rock, that when this august assemblage of Fossilized human bein's comes down onto the mail portion of the U. States, old P.T. be turned over to us. I'le make him think he's got straddle his wooly hoss, and an army of mermades was after him with red hot pitchforks.
"Grant me this favor, and when the fite of the Amazons begins, you can count on me to hold your bonnets." ”

“ A REWARD of $30,000 will be paid for the arrest and conviction of the murderer of BENJAMIN NATHAN, who was killed in his house, No. 12 West Twenty-third Street, New York, on the morning of Friday, July 29.
A REWARD of $1,000 will be paid for the identification and recovery of each and every one of the three Diamond Shirt Studs which were taken from the clothing of the deceased on the night of the murder. Two of the diamonds weighed, together, 1, 1/2, and 1/3, and 1/16 carats, and the other, a flat stone, showing nearly a surface of one carat, weighed 3/4 and 1/32. ”

“ I say wooden more particularly, inasmuch as new fangled varieties of pavement, such as Concrete, Nicholson, etc., although they have their day, cannot be said to compete for a moment in public regard with the good old fashioned kind first described. ”

“ To adopt his own style of phraseology, ROBERTSON is clearly a "gay and festive cuss." He is a specimen brick from Kansas, and doubtless always carries one in his hat. The expression "ordinary gait," as applied to driving in Kansas, where everybody owns "fast stock," is rather equivocal in these quieter latitudes to be sure, but we may guess that, at Leavenworth, a man who rides or drives at a pace of twenty miles an hour, is liable, "for instance," to a fine of $20, or just one dollar per mile. Kansas maybe a very nice place to live in, for some people, but we would hardly recommend Mr. ”

“ When, at last, they left him, he returned sadly to New York.
IDIOTIC ITEMS.
On Tuesday last one of the swans in Central Park laid a hen's egg.
A celebrated English professor of heraldry is now at Long Branch, studying the crests of the waves.
Dr. LIVINGSTONE is no longer a white man. The large colored princess whom he has been compelled to marry has beaten him black and blue. ”

“ Presence of mind is indispensable in such a case, but, unfortunately, timid swimmers are too apt to lose their Heads as well as their feet. Some of the lady visitors are Beautiful Swimmers, and their Divers Charms excite universal admiration. ”

“ One thing, however, is worth noting. At some of the Hotels they have a Spread on the carpet before the dancing begins, as well as a supper afterwards. The excellent music of the Hotel bands is Instrumental in drawing crowds of listeners to the Ball rooms. ”

“ Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, twenty cents per year, or five cents per quarter, in advance; the CHROMOS will be mailed free on receipt of money.
CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be given. For special terms address the Company.
The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of seeing the paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A specimen copy sent to any one desirous of canvassing or getting up a club, on receipt of postage stamp.
Address,
PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,
P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New York. ”

“ HIRAM GREEN,
Lait Gustise of the Peece.
Birds of Passage.
The African ostrich is sometimes trained to carry passengers on his back, but the player of "our national game" is often seen "going out on a Foul." ”

“ But she did not wait, and a pair of number eight shoes might have been seen by an inquisitive reporter, cutting around the corners and stamping up seven flights of stairs.
MORAL.
When the paternal turnip solemnly points to 10-1/2, G.F.F.F.S. puts her number eights on the mantel, looks reflectively at a sore-eyed kitten, and falls into polysyllables. ”

“ Depots foot of Chambers Street, and foot of 23rd St., New York; No. 3 Exchange Place, and Long Dock Depot, Jersey City, and the Agents at the principal hotels, travelers can obtain just the Ticket they desire, as well as all the necessary information.
PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Wild Flowers," "Water-Lilies," "Chas. Dickens."
PRANG'S CHROMOS sold in all Art and Bookstores throughout the world.
PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of stamp. ”