Various

“ TRACEY CLEWS, bowing again to Judge SWEENEY. "Not to wound our friend further by discussion of the fair sex, may I ask if Bumsteadville contains many objects of interest for a stranger, like myself?"
"One, at least, sir," answered the Judge. "I think I could show you a tombstone which you would find very good reading. An epitaph upon my late better-half. If you are a married man you can not help enjoying it." ”

“ The Target Society were out on a street parade, and the policemen marched before them to clear Broadway of all vehicles and foot-passengers, and to stop short, for the time, the business of a great city, in order that these twenty spindle-legged and melancholy little cobblers might have a proper opportunity of showing their utter ignorance of all rules of marching, and the management of firearms. ”

“ Bring plenty of crackers, landlord, for I'm uncommon fond of crackers. By absorbing the superfluous moisture in the head, they clear the brain and make it more subtle."
Having been served with the wholesome country fare he had ordered, together with a glass of the heady native wine called applejack, the gentleman had but just moved a slice of pork from its bed in the beans, when, with much interest, he closely inspected the spot of vegetables he had uncovered, and expressed the belief that there was something alive in it. ”

“ So JEAMES PHYSKE went straightway unto DEDREW and said unto him, "Lo! your servant is as full of wiles as an egg is of meat. Make me then, I pray you, your chief adviser, and put me in the high places." And DEDREW smiled upon him, as he is wont to do, and finding that he was a stranger, he took him in, and knowing that all were fish which came unto his net, he straightway put him in the high places in Eareye, saying unto himself, "I will take this lamb and fleece him." So PHYSKE sat high in Eareye. ”

“ Such ethereal food is highly unproductive of adipose tissue, and the poet needs adipose like any other man. And our poet is no exception to the rule, for he well knew that good digestible poetry can't be written on an empty stomach.
It is seldom that a writer is met with, who does not seize every opportunity to attract attention to his own deeds. He is never so happy as when, in contemplation, he hears the remarks of his readers tending to his praise for the noble and heroic deeds he makes himself perform. ”

“ The skies in the country may be bluest at this season, sir; the air most delicious, the scenery most gorgeous, and accommodations of all kinds most plenty and excellent, but it will not do. The conductor of a first class journal belongs in a manner to society, and society will never forgive him for going into the country after the season is over. ”

“ But with our poet—and we have been exceptional in our choice—he has always been backward in coming forward, and it was not until he was touched upon a tender point that he concluded to make himself heard, when he might depict, in glowing terms, some of the few ills which flesh is heir to. ”

“ The appearance of the Crow is grave and clerical, but it is nevertheless an Offal bird when engaged on a Tear. It generally goes in flocks, and the prints of its feet may be seen not only on the face of the Country, but in many instances on the faces of the inhabitants. Naturalists do not class it with the edible fowls. There may be men who can eat crow, but nobody hankers after it. ”

“ What gasoline is, we have not the slightest notion, but, as it knocked several houses in Maiden Lane into ashes a few days since, it must be something. Crinoline, dangerous as it is, would have been safer for Maiden Lane than gasoline, and more appropriate. In the present dearth of public amusements, these jolly explosives—gasoline, dualine, nitroglycerine, and the rest of 'em,—come in very well to create a sensation. They keep the firemen in wind, and, as the firemen keep them in water, the obligation is reciprocal. Let Gasoline, as well as Crinoline, have the suffrage, by all means. ”

“ They have been indulging, sir, until the top of your head has fallen over backwards, and your whiskers act as though they belonged to somebody else. The sight confuses me, sir, and in my present state of mind I can't bear it."
Coughing from the lemon tea, and greatly amazed by his hasty dismissal, Mr. CLEWS followed Judge SWEENEY from the room and house in precipitate haste, and, when they were fairly out of doors, remarked, that the gentleman they had just left had surprised him unprecedentedly, and that he was very much put out by it. ”

“ Old MORTARITY stared at the hair and beard, thus introduced to him, with undisguised amazement, and grimly remarked, that if the gentleman would come to see him any evening, and bring a social bottle with him, he would not allow the gentleman's head to stand in the way of a further acquaintance. ”

“ In time of peace the Crow leads a comparatively quiet life, and it is no novel thing to see him walking in the fields devouring with great apparent interest the Yellow-Covered Cereals. Agriculturists have strong prejudices against the species, and allege, not without reason, that large Crow Crops indicate diminished harvests. The most persistent enemy of the Crow, however, is the martin, which attacks it on the wing with unfaltering Pluck, and compels it to show the White Feather. ”

“ Crows, like time-serving politicians, are often on the Fence, and their proficiency in the art of Caw-cussing entitles them to rank with the Radical Spoilsmen denounced by the sardonic DAWES. In time of war they haunt the battle-field with the pertinacity of newspaper specials, and have a much more certain method of making themselves acquainted with the Organization of military Bodies than the gentlemen of the press who Pick the Brains of fugitives from the field for their information. ”

“ But the field and the barnyard were much employed.
Then PHYSKE took into his counsel divers persons, dealers in shekels, and did say unto them, "Let us find us a man who can tell us whether those in high places will sell gold. And if he say unto us, nay, let us buy much gold and make many shekels." And the divers persons, dealers in shekels, were astonished at his shrewdness, and were all of one accord. Then PHYSKE found him a man who did say unto him nay, and PHYSKE and the divers other persons did buy much gold. ”

“ Upwards of fourteen million Young Men's Christian Associations have crowded to hear her thrilling eloquence, and lecture committees all over the land have grown fat and saucy on the enormous profits yielded by her engagements. Country editors, who, before speculating in tickets of admission, were without shoes to their feet, have been suddenly converted into haughty despots and bloated aristocrats by their prodigious gains. And Miss LOGAN herself is said to be worth $250.
COMIC ZOOLOGY.
Genna, Corvus.—The Common Crow. ”

“ Then the wise men of the city began to look around, when lo! there entered through the gates of the city a certain peddler from a foreign country, which is called Yankee Land, and behold! the great man was found. He dealt in shekels and stocks, and bloomed and flourished, and soon became like unto a golden calf, and lo! all the wise men fell down and worshipped him. Now it happened that at first, like all great men, he was misunderstood, and the people ascribed his success to his partner, so that everybody said,
The name is but the guinea's stamp,
The man's a GOULD for all that ”

“ FROM ERIE.
Activity is the order of the day here. Col. FISK'S $20,000 team went to the front this morning. They are to be broken into the turmoil of war by being led gently to and fro, before a Supreme Court injunction. A Central spy, who was captured during the day, was immediately tried by court-martial, and sentenced to be suspended from the flag-staff on top of the building. He was executed at noon, a copy of the Tribune being tied to his feet, to add force to his fall and curtail his sufferings. ”

“ So certain persons endeavored to make him commander of the 99th regiment of foot, but a certain old centurion, which is Brains, ran against him and overcame him. But the soldiers said unto each other, "Is it not better that we should have body than brains, and had we not better take unto ourselves the fleshpots?" So they deposed Brains and chose the Prince of Eareye as their commander. ”

“ And HO RACE GREL HE, being a Prussian, was sore afraid, and did fall straightway upon his knees, and did say, "Lo, your servant has sinned! I pray thee forgive him." And PHYSKE did say, "I forgive thee," which, being interpreted, is, "All right, old coon, don't let me catch you at it again."
And PHYSKE did divers other strange and curious things, but are they not written down daily by the scribes of the paper, "It shines for all," which, being interpreted, is the Moon, and cannot he who runs, read them there?
LOT.
From the Spirit of Lindley Murray. ”

“ Have you any idea where a dead-beat, [1] like myself, could find inexpensive lodgings in Bumsteadville?"
The host hastily remarked, that his own bill for those pork and beans was fifty cents; and upon being paid, coldly added that a Mrs. SMYTHE, wife of the sexton of Saint Cow's Ritualistic Church, took hash-eaters for the summer. As the gentleman preferred a high-church private boarding-house to an unsectarian first class hotel, all he had to do was to go out on the road again, and keep inquiring until he found the place. ”

“ As you tell me that woodcock is not fit to eat this year, and that broiled chicken is positively prohibited by the Board of Health in consequence of the sickly season, you may bring me some pork and beans, and some crackers. ”

“ In the meantime, he advises such of his patrons as have depended entirely upon his letters for their summer recreation, and who will now be deprived of this delightful enjoyment, to make every effort to go to some of our summer resorts and spend a few weeks after the fashionable season is over,—that is, if they think they can brave the opinion of society. ”

“ Then PHYSKE ruled Eareye, and he took the stock and he did multiply it manifold, which is called, by some people, watering. Now it happened that a certain man named PYKE did build him a costly mansion on the street which is called Twenty-third, and did therein have foreign singers and dancers, and players upon the violin, which is called the fiddle, and upon the bass viol, which is called the big fiddle, and upon sheets of parchment, which are called the drum, and upon divers other instruments. ”

“ VANDERBILT is preparing for a grand flank movement upon the Erie forces. He will transport passengers at one cent per head, insure their lives for the trip, feed them on the way, and present them, on parting, with a copy of H.G.'s paper. He has been reinforced by the Tribune, which will continue to harass the enemy by attacks in the rear. ”

“ Brooklyn. We were not prepared to expect, though, that theological controversy ever ran further in Brooklyn than to the extent of "putting a head on" one's antagonist, though now it appears that biting his face off is more the thing. The statement that "HARPER is disfigured for life," goes for nothing with us, as that depends altogether on what sort of looking man he was previous to the removal of his features by means of a dental apparatus. ”

“ ERIE PALACE.—It is rumored that the "unpleasantness" which has for some time past existed between the rival powers of the Erie and the Central, will shortly culminate in open hostilities. Col. FISK, assisted by twelve secretaries, is said to be actively engaged in drawing up a formal Declaration. Great enthusiasm prevails here. The Erie Galop and FISK Guard March (price 50 cents, including full length portrait of Capt. SPENCER,) are played nightly in the Opera House, and are vociferously re-demanded. ”

“ Bark will do it, which accounts for the fact that the blood of dogs has a large per centage of iron. Here in New York, the ordinary way of getting iron in the blood is to have a knife run into you by the hand of an assassin ”

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