Various

“ Are they not, one and all, given to untimely hunger, and addicted to undesirable methods of assuaging its pangs? Are they not prone to perpetual colds in the head, accompanied by loud and labored breathing, and rarely mitigated by the judicious use of pocket-handkerchiefs? Do they not indulge in a vicious and wholly unpardonable wealth of muddy boots, wherewith to trample upon their unoffending neighbors? Are they not as prone to bad language as the Tribune, and as noisy and noisome as the Sun itself? ”

“ As I was saying, the CIRCUS always has a strong flavor of orange peel. Will some one explain why orange-peel has such a close affinity for horses and sawdust? I have attempted to account for it by an elaborate stretching of the theory of chemical affinities. People crack peanuts at the CIRCUS, because the cracking of peanuts in its prosaic dreariness is in harmony with the cracking of jokes by the dreary clown. The clown himself is always hoarse, obviously because of his intimate association with the feats of horsemanship. ”

“ I venture to correct him by remarking: "My son, you should say 'horsey.' You would thereby avoid confounding the noble animals before you with the no less useful, but undeniably less attractive—in an aesthetic point of view—animals which belong to the bovine race."
He is evidently overcome by my flow of language, and he asks, with a feeble show of independence: "You ain't hungry, are you?"
I say to myself: "Kind-hearted little fellow. He is grateful for my reproof, and proposes to reward me with peanuts." So I kindly reply: "No, my child, I am not hungry; why do you ask?" ”

“ But it is my belief, and I have carefully studied the subject in all its bearings, that the crowning gift of Science to Man will be the system of PRUNING FOR CONSUMPTION.
When we consider how the strength of a weak and spindling tree is augmented by the excision of some of its useless branches, we can well understand that weak and spindling man may be strengthened and invigorated by the amputation of one or more of his limbs. ”

“ But I am overheard by a horsey person in the neighborhood, who replies, "That horse hain't got a symptom of foundering. LENT keeps his horses in too good condition for that."
And I to him, in a light and jocose manner—"LENT keeps them so well fed that they never keep Lent themselves, I suppose."
But the horsey person does not see my joke,—thus proving that he shares a dulness of perception that I have too often noticed, even among my friends. So I mercifully give him one more chance and say: "I suppose Mr. LENT keeps all the fast horses, so that they never have to keep fast themselves." ”

“ The suggestion for purifying the New York Bar by classifying its tenders is a good one and should be acted upon. As it is now, the justice there dispensed is so mixed and doctored that it satisfies only the vitiated taste of the roughs. The proceedings in the McFARLAND and JACKSON case show that swagger, not study—bullying, not brains, are in a fair way to become the important qualifications of a counsel. The lawyers should organize in their own defence and classify themselves. ”

“ Respected Sir:—I am a schoolmaster, and in investigating, for the benefit of my pupils (number limited; English and classical courses; French and guitar extra; scholars bring their own slippers and tooth-brushes; privileges of a home, etc., etc.) , the vast arena of Science, applied and unapplied, I have found that there are many things that the world does not yet know. ”

“ Among purists in the use of words the employment of these adjectives has always been considered a delightful and legitimate mode of discriminating between people who kill themselves precipitately and those who use a considerable amount of caution, and (so to speak) apply strychnine with one hand and the stomach-pump with the other. SPIFFKINS used to report fires, murders, and police doings generally in a quiet and genteel manner, and by the Superintendent of Police he was as much beloved for the goodness of his heart as he was by the city editor for the goodness of his grammar. ”

“ But Science stops here. What she has given the world, in respect to this important subject, is of far less value than that of which she has deprived it, by her failure to carry her investigations into the animal kingdom. ”

“ I've heard you preach, and, to do the square thing, I am constrained to say you've got talents into you, on which to bild a first-class Dominy. My advice is, to let your talents sintilate; don't undertake to hide 'em under a bushel of peanuts. Let 'em blaze, friend B.—let 'em blaze.
I dident notiss any bill-boards hangin about your mouth, savin as how "Rooms was to let in your sky-lofts;" but contrary wise, it's my opinion there haint a tenement house in New York which is packed fuller of people than your figger-head is of slap-up idees. ”

“ Have you the feelings of a man, or of a mad dog? Which is it that it is, that you should be worrying the life out of this croupy infant of liberty, as is hardly able to waggle its head, barring all hope that it will ever get upon its pins and take its 'constitutional' like other mortals in distress? ”

“ A terrific feat of horsemanship is in progress. A daring rider, mounted on a broad platform, which is borne on the back of a placid horse, is carried on a slow canter around the ring. He evidently impersonates a member of the horse marines, for he executes elaborate imitations of pulling ropes, reefing and furling sails. ”

“ The Proprietors and Publishers of THE AMERICAN CHEMIST, having purchased the subscription list and stock of the American reprint of the CHEMICAL NEWS, have decided to advance the interests of the American Chemical Science by the publication of a Journal which shall be a medium of communication for all practical, thinking, experimenting, and manufacturing scientific men throughout the country. ”

“ Of course they outgrow it when they arrive at years of flirtation; but up to—say—their tenth or eleventh year, they rarely go in for muddy boots and inappropriate peanuts,—at least not to the same extent as boys. The average little girl is, moreover, seldom found at the CIRCUS. She prefers WALLACK'S, or BOOTH'S theatre,—whereas your usual boy despises the legitimate drama, and prefers to have his dissipations served up with a great deal of horse and plentifully spiced with the presence of the cheerful clown. ”

“ I am not sure that this term does not include gorillas, for, by a wise provision of Congress, they can at any time be made men and brethren. One advantage about the subject of this chapter is this: it is never necessary to put a head on it, as it is generally furnished with that appendage by nature.
So endeth this thrilling tale. A sequel to it will be published in the early part of the next century, entitled,
"THERE WAS ONCE A TIME UPON A MAN."
HORSE-CAR HUMBUGS.
The Horse-Car is an omnivorous animal, though its chief diet is garbage, as our sense of smell has often proved to us. ”

“ For my part, I frankly confess that I do not like boys, and heartily approve of the noble sentiment expressed the other day by my landlady, who, on reading that the Parisians had destroyed the Bois de Boulogne, remarked that, "Even if the French couldn't spell 'boys' properly, she was glad to see that they knew how to treat them." ”

“ The sap, or blood, which was before applied to the support and nourishment of this excised limb, will now assist in the nourishment of the whole body, and the man, like the tree, will become vigorous, stout, and healthy. In proof of this, it is only necessary to consider the condition of those soldiers, sailors, or civilians who have suffered the amputation of a leg or arm. ”

“ If you don't have any serious drawbacks, and are careful of your health, you will make a first-class DEAD BEAT. When a man insults me, sir, I lay him out, without depending in the smallest degree upon an undertaker, but as for standing up in front of a man who mashes noses by contract, and chaws off ears as a matter of genteel business, why it ain't my cut. ”

“ You hain't one of them chaps, who believes that if a man wants to be good, he must draw down his face, and look as if he had been fetched up on chow-chow and cider vinegar.
Long faces don't make good fokes, which reminds me that fine feathers don't allers make fine birds, especcially if it's a broiled chicken full of fine pin feathers. ”

“ Brains were accounted a very good thing in their way, but what we want, sir, is Muscle. If a man can master his Greek, and his Latin, and his Theology, and his Law, and such frothy trifles between times, well and good, but he musn't neglect his Muscle. ”

“ Thus, you might put your hand under a trip-hammer once, but not twice. You might take a trip on a Mississippi steamer, or an Erie train, once. You might go to the Legislature or Congress and be honest once. You might get a seat in a horse-car once. You might be civilly treated by a public official once. You might lend an umbrella, or indulge in the luxury of a lawsuit, or persuade your better half that you are only tired when you are really beery, once ”

“ I allers found out that when a man is gettin up in the world, that, like carrion crows hoverin over a sick animal, grumblers fly about him, lickin their chops and watchin a good opportunity to scratch him ragged. ”

“ A man.—Here we arrive at something specific. "A two-legged animal, who laughs." That definition excludes women, because they giggle, or chuckle, or cachinnate. This expression is a very general one; it includes a vast number of individuals. ”

“ Others indulge freely in gin and milk, and get boozy, while agin some others histe in mug after mug of lager beer, and then lay in with some Bohemian to rite 'em up.
This gives 'em a popularity which $500 worth of paid-for advertisements wouldent bring 'em. And their church stock goes up to 200 per cent. above par. Big crowds rush to hear the guzzlin divine extort. And, sir! before you know it, that preacher is richer'n mud, and just as likely as not, owns stock in a race-course or a lager-bier brewery. ”

“ It is much better, as a rule, to die game than it is to digress, though on the present occasion there is no reason why I should do either. By the way, if a man has to choose between having either his leg or his arm amputated, which ought he to choose? ”

“ It even takes in tailors, for, by a wise provision of Providence, the number of tailors in this world at any one time is always a multiple of nine; so that you can point to any nine of them and boldly say, a man. ”

“ In this respect he was invaluable, because his letters contained, about things in New York, information which never appeared in the New York papers; so that when a Philadelphia family takes the newspaper which SPIFFKINS corresponds with, that family is fully posted upon everything which might just as well have happened here as not. SPIFFKINS is too real a gentleman at heart to be much of one in appearance. ”

“ This old male party, with the remains of a luxuriant growth of very red hair, clinging fondly, like underbrush round a rock, to the sides of his head, with a seedy-looking patch far under the chin to match, whose limp dickey droops pensively as if seeking to crawl bodily into the embrace of the plaid gingham which encircles his neck, and in whose nose is embodied that rare vermilion tint which artists so love to dwell upon;—this is the Hon. ”

“ But really, if the women do manage to give us our tea at a reasonable rate, we will buy it gladly, even though, perhaps, we should be forced to attend the lectures in order to obtain it. It is an ill wind which blows nobody good, even though the tempest originates in a tea-pot. ”

“ The middle men now engaged in the business are all to be abolished. All the women lecturers are to become tea-totallers, and go before their audiences laden with packages for sale, in lots to suit, for cash. ”

“ Childlike innocence is a phrase that must originally have been applied exclusively to girls. Obviously it is sheer nonsense as applied to boys. Who ever saw an innocent boy, especially in a place of amusement? ”

“ You haint afeard to stand out baldly and face the sea of upturned red maskaline noses, or hily-frizzled, gorgeously-got-up femilines, and skatter Fiseology rite and left, not carin a pickaune who's hit or who haint.
A man who scores up as you do, is bound to win in the long run, if he only keeps his eyes about him, and don't undertake to go it blind. ”

“ Here a conundrum obtrudes itself upon me, and I ask, "Suppose Gen. TERRY had a daughter, why would she necessarily be a delightful puzzle? Obviously because she would be a Miss TERRY."
But the horsey person turns round and says, "If you want a head put on you, just keep on talking; so that folks can't hear the brothers turn a somersault. You'll be accommodated; do you understand?"
I accept his general hint, and watch the somersaulting pair. What an editor the elder brother would make! He could turn as sudden and perfect a somersault as did Mr. ”

“ It couldn't be expected, perhaps; but I am still of the impression that this conundrum is gradually working towards a solution in the brain of the Commander-in-Chief. I hope it don't lay heavily there; I wouldn't do anything to distress him. If GOLDWIN SMITH were expounding political economy to him in one ear, and HORACE GREELEY talking agriculture in the other, the poor man couldn't be more bothered than he is. No, no; far be it from me to add one harrowing burden to his already heavy load ”

“ The columns of THE AMERICAN CHEMIST are open for the reception of original articles from any part of the country, subject to approval of the editor. Letters of inquiry on any points of interest within the scope of the Journal will receive prompt attention. ”