Various

“ The waters have thus been rendered unfit for bathing in, as the air has been rendered pernicious to breathe—another rendering by the New York Rendering Company, whose manifest mission is to offalize the world. ”

“ Thus, the whisper of "Here comes old Tubercles, again!" was prevalent amongst the clerks upon the entrance of a very thin, narrow-chested old gentleman, whom they informed, with considerable humor, that he was only wasting hours which should be spent with a spiritual adviser, in his useless attempts to take out a Policy in that office. The Boreal couldn't insure men who ought to be upon their dying beds instead of coughing around Insurance offices. ”

“ SCHENCK," observed the Gospeler, turning and pausing in the doorway, "you allow your business-energy to violate all the most delicate amenities of private life, and will yet drive some maddened mortal to such resentful use of pistol, knife, or poker, as your mourning family shall sincerely deplore. The articles on Free Trade and Protection in the daily papers have hitherto been regarded as the climax of all that utterly wearies the long-suffering human soul ”

“ I don't know a charm at all comparable with that of being swindled in the midst of fine scenery, when the funds and enthusiasm still hold out, and the sense of actually getting the worth of one's money is not yet so blunted by transactions calculated to awaken Thought, as to have lost the power of increasing one's felicity. ”

“ HIRAM GREEN AMONG THE FAT MEN.
The "Last Gustive" attends the Annual Clam-Bake.
Empires may totter and Dienastys pass in their checks.
Politicians may steal the Goddess of Liberty poorer than JOB'S old Maskaline Gobbler.
J. FISK, Jr., may set the heel of his bute down onto the neck of Rail Rodes—Steambotes—ballet gals, and all that sort o' thing, and this mundane speer will jog along, as slick as a pin, and no questions asked.
But deprive a Fat man of his little clam-bake, and it would be full as pleasant as settin' down onto a Hornet's nest, when the Hornet family were all to home. ”

“ Those who are fond of flees may flee to the mountains. I know when I've got enough, and I prefer to surf it on the sea shore. Take the 3-1/2 A.M. train, and come to
SANDY POINT.
Everything here is sand as far as the eye can reach, or a horse and wagon, with a profane driver, can travel. The ocean laves the beach. The sea also is here. The tide comes in twice a day. This alone gives Sandy Point a great advantage over all other points on the coast. ”

“ ANDREWS, is one that must ere long overtop and engulf all others, seeing that it is, of itself, the science which embodies and contains all. It teaches that the universe exists in time and space—a fact never discovered till now—or that, rather, it exists in space and time, as the two negative containers of its statism or existence, and of its motism or eventuation, (its chain of events.) It shows that statism, or world-existence-at-rest, in space, is analogous with the cardinal series of numeration; and motism or world-existence-in-motion, in time, analogous with the ordinal series of numbers ”

“ Not only has he upon his shoulders the ordinary labors of conductor of a great journal, but he has much to do for other people. His editors, his printers, his binders, his artists, his engravers, his corps of clerks, his office and errand boys, and all connected with his extensive establishment, come to him from time to time for advice in regard to the investment of their surplus earnings, and between assisting in the purchase of a farm for this one, a house for the other, and all sorts of stocks and bonds for the rest, he is often terribly pressed for time. ”

“ Having been directed by a superb young clerk, who parted his hair in the middle, to "just stand out of the passage-way and amuse yourself with one of our Schedules for awhile," until the great life-Agent should come in, the Gospeler read a few schedulistic pages, proving, that if a person had his life Insured at the age of Thirty, and paid his premiums regularly until he was Eighty-five, the cost to him and profit to the Company would, probably, be much more than the amount he had insured for. ”

“ When a fat man laffs, his little head sinks down into his shirt collar, and disappears in the fat, like a turtle's head when you tickle his nose with a sharp stick.
And then to see them eat clams. I've seen men punish clams by the bushel—by the barrel—but never did I see men shovel clams in by the cart load before.
"Gee-whitaker," said I, to a Reporter of a N.Y. Journal, "them critters must have a dredful elastic stomack."
"Yes," said he, "when Fat-men get clam hungry, the sea banks has to give up her clams, and the grocery keepers furnish the seasonin'." ”

“ Suffice it to say that those sentiments of loyalty and affection which have ever been my glory, and a keen appreciation of the difficulty of obtaining employment on the Press, have kept me attached to the staff of PUNCHINELLO. The anguish which Finance has cost an artistic soul no one may ever know. ”

“ SCHENCK, with intense scorn. "You pretend to be a Ritualistic spiritual guide; you champion people who slay the innocent and steal devout men's umbrellas; and yet you do not scruple to leave your own high-church Mother entirely without provision at your death.—In such a case," continued the speaker, rising, while his manner grew ferocious with determination—"in such a case, all other arguments having failed, my duty is plain. Yon shall not leave this room, sir, until you have promised to take out a Boreal Policy." ”

“ Everybody that can get a railroad pass should come to Sandy Point
WHAT TO DO.
Sit in the reading-room and look over the torn files of two daily papers a week and a half old; or study a hotel advertiser.
THE SURF BATHING
is magnificent. The prevalence of an unmitigated undertow renders it quite exhilarating for old ladies and invalids. Any one who is drowned will have every attention paid to his remains,—by the sharks. ”

“ It must he premised that there are many varieties of great men. Daddy LAMBERT was a great man, so was the living skeleton, yet even a casual observer could perceive the difference in their greatness. The greatness of the fleshy world is one thing; the greatness of the no-fleshy world is another. Also, strange as it may seem, a man may be great and yet not be great. HOOD was a great General, so was NAP 3, but they tell me that Nashville and Saarbrucken are terrible commentaries on greatness. Also a man may be great and not know it. ”

“ If you are ambitious, you had better commence at the lower rounds of the ladder, in order that your ascent may be safe and rapid. If you would be, for instance, a great statesman, be first an alderman; if a great warrior, be first—well, say a tanner. ”

“ The dead horses of the city car companies are the creature's normal food. Nor does it despise smaller venison, for it can batten upon dead kittens, too, and fatten upon asphyxiated pup. Carnivorous, decidedly, is the creature concreted by the New York Rendering Company, converting all that it touches into fat, and so, living literally upon the fat of the land. ”

“ Everybody fishes. There are all varieties, from speckled trout and mackerel, up to conger eels, horse mackerel, and porpoises. Parties frequently come back with all the fishing they want. If absent a week on a trip, they can make arrangements to have their board run on just the same.
DRIVING.
Everybody drives. The roads are of unsurpassing loveliness. They drive every day. If the waiters would drive a few flies out of the dining-room, we wouldn't sit down quite so many at table. ”

“ On being interrogated by the magistrate, prisoner said that he hardly knew what he was doing when arrested. The Sun was in his eyes at the time. If it hadn't been so, he would not have missed his shot. He must do something for a living, and he thought that throwing dirty water was as good an occupation as any other. Had made money out of it by threatening respectable people with his pewter squirt, and they would give him money rather than have their clothes soiled. He would do anything to make money ”

“ It was at first thought that H.S.H. would accede to the Emperor's request, his recent treaty with the Court of the Grande Duchesse and his diplomatic relations with the Viennoise Ballet Troupe having rendered the event far from improbable. It was also considered that the hostility which he has openly displayed towards the British Erie Protection Committee would predispose him in favor of England's natural enemy. In view of the possible departure of the Ninth, and the consequent prolongation of the European war, gold rose several degrees above freezing point. ”

“ O'NEILL, and Count JOANNES, assert that no one knows, better than these gentlemen, that they are great men. Also a man may die calmly in the consciousness that he is a distinguished individual, and yet, years afterwards, some magazine writer may cast historic doubts upon his greatness.
Of course there are several classes of great people. There is the little great man, (for example, NAP. 3,) the big great man, (BISMARCK,) the great little man, (NAP. 1,) and the great big man, (the Onondaga giant.) But the patient observer must perceive that general rules will cover all these cases. ”

“ The Turcos have done better, so far as mere fighting is concerned; but their brutal outrages exceed so greatly the hen-roost exploits of WENDELL PHILLIPS'S devoted darkies, that they are certainly entitled to be organized into battalions bearing the title of the NAPOLEON Black Guards. ”

“ Sandy Point, with all its native attractions, would be nothing were it not for the beauty and fashion that throng its halls. There are men here who can draw their note for any amount. Here is an ex-member of Congress ”

“ Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, twenty cents per year, or five cents per quarter, in advance; the CHROMOS will be mailed free on receipt of money.
CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be given. For special terms address the Company.
The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of seeing the paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A specimen copy sent to any one desirous of canvassing or getting up a club, on receipt of postage stamp. ”

“ P. would make it worth their while, they would endeavor to put the island back in its place and make no remarks in public which would tend to produce a misunderstanding between the governments of Great Britain and the United States, on the ground of undue acquisition of territory. By the payment of a sum, which it will require a club of thirty subscribers to make good to him, Mr. P. concluded the arrangement, and they sailed back to replace the island. ”

“ Nature demands a change of air. Man needs rest. Invigoration is necessary to health. The throbbing brain must shut down on its throbbing.
Hence second-class hotels, with first-class prices; hence hard beds, no gas, and many flies. ”

“ The word "Scourer," nevertheless, might be an allowable corruption of "Esquire," when applied to any of the proprietors of that mephitic daily, The Sun.
Pickerel.—Will Mr. GREELEY be obliged to dress in court costume if he accepts the mission to the Court of St. JAMES? Answer.—No. It would be contrary to Mr. GREELEY'S well-known principles to get on "tights."
Flagroot.—Is it correct to say the "balance" of an army, meaning the rest of it?
Answer.—Not always. When an army has turned the Scale of battle, however, the word Balance may be used. ”

“ He's now telling the young man writing the mail-wrappers what kind of Cartoons should be got-up for this country.—Hark, again! and the young man writing the mail-wrappers have clinched and are rolling about the floor.—Hark, once more! The young man writing the mail-wrappers has put him out. ”

“ I also notised large fassits onto the toes of their butes, so as to let out the grease occasionly, and keep there butes from sloppin' over.
President RANSOM told me, that a fat man's wife invented the fassets, so as to save sope grease.
"One fat man in hot weather," said Mister RANSOM, "will furnish grease enuff, in the summer time, to keep his family in soft sope the year around, besides supplyin' two or three daily papers with a lot." ”

“ They say that, until he had made his grand success at Fort Fisher, you never could persuade BUTLER that he was a great General. TUPPER, I am informed, would never believe that he was the most remarkable poet ever produced by England. Also a man may be great and be perfectly aware of it. ”

“ THE WAY TO BECOME GREAT.
alf-witted people, only, will suppose I mean grate, for the most obtuse nincompoop must know that anybody can become a grate man by going into the stove business; but to develop yourself into a real bonâ-fide great man, like GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN or DANIEL PRATT, requires much study and a persistent effort. ”

“ He had constructed to order for the prisoner a peculiar velocipede called the "Sun Squirt." It had a Dyer's tub attached to it, which was filled with bilge-water. On this machine, the prisoner, armed with a pewter squirt, used to practise for several hours a day, careering rapidly around the rink, and taking flying shots, as he went, at large posters attached to the wall, having portraits on them of General GRANT, Hon. ”

“ HALF PAST FOUR.—Market (at Delmonico's) gone frantic over a consignment of Opera Bouffe sent by the Erie Protection Committee as a mark of confidence in the present Erie management. Eries said to be in good voice. Preferred stock will open in about a month with an extensive and carefully selected ballet. Premiéres Danseuses (hic) strong, with extensive sales. Scenery (hic) quiet, (hic.) Appointments active (hic.)
GREENBAGS.
Influence of Association. ”