Various

“ Most people have a peculiar fondness for crabs. A dainty succulent soft shell crab, nicely cooked and well browned, tempts the eye of the epicure and makes his mouth water. Even a hard shell is not to be despised when no other is attainable. We eat them with great gusto, thinking they are "so nice," without considering for a moment that they have feelings and sentiments of their own, or are intended for any other purpose than the gratification of our palate. ”

“ When they are about a month old they begin to feel that life has its realities, and that they must do something towards the end for which they were made. The thought is faint at first, but by degrees grows weightier, till at last they can stand it no longer, and, making a great effort to throw off the incubus of babyhood that weighs so heavily upon them, they burst open the back door of their shell and slowly creep out backwards. ”

“ They have struck for bigger things. In the expressive language of the immortal JOHNNY MILTON, they are going for the whole hog. They want to vote; some of them have been caught repeating already; they want to sit on juries, and they want to go to Congress. Heaven forbid that any of them should ever reach the House of Representatives! Imagine the size of the Congressional Globe if we should send women there! Why, there would be as great a dearth of paper in Washington as there is now in Paris. ”

“ Time after time was he reminded, by unspeakably majestic middle-aged ladies with bass voices, that when a fine old family loses its former wealth by those vicissitudes of fortune which bring out the noblest traits of character and compel the letting-out of a few damp rooms, it is significant of a weak understanding, or a depraved disrespect of the dignity of adversity, to expect that such families shall lose money and lower their hereditary high tone by waiting upon a parcel of young girls. ”

“ Reclining with great ease of attitude upon an uncushioned settee, the Ritualistic organist is aroused from dreamy slumber by the turning-over of the pipe in his mouth, and majestically motions for the venerable woman of the house to come and brush the ashes from his clothes. ”

“ Before going out for a day's sport, resolve yourself into a committee of one for the preservation of choice ornithological specimens. By this we do not mean that you are to set up in business as a taxidermist, but that you are bound—if a true sportsman—to protect the song birds, and the birds that are useful in destroying noxious vermin, and all the beautiful feathered creatures that ornament our woods, and fields, and parks, from the depredations of the ignorant, loutish, pestilent, pernicious pot-hunter. ”

“ The observant lover with staring eyes perceives the advancing strides of another gentleman crab, and instantly, seized with jealous fears, clasps his inamorata to his shelly breast with his numerous little legs, holds her tightly so that she can't fall, and walks off on his hands. ”

“ DISTINGUISHED TEACHER. "You call her an artist! Why, look here, if one of my scholars were to phrase as wretchedly as she does, I'd never show my face in public again. Her voice is so-so, but her school is simply infamous." ”

“ But, seeing that I married SKAMMERHORN, and then he died delirious, his boots and razor must remain, just as he often wished to throw the former at me in his ravings. Once married is enough, say I; and those who never were, through having no proposals, must bear with those who have, and take things as they come. ”

“ Being a widow without children, and relieved of nearly all the weaknesses of her sex by the systematic refusal of the opposite sex to give her any encouragement in them, Mrs. SKAMMERHORN was a relentless advocate of Woman's Inalienable Rights, and only wished that Man could just see himself in that contemptible light in which he was distinctly visible to One who, sooner than be his Legal Slave, would never again accompany him to the Altar. ”

“ Her voice is such a one as MARGARET must have had when she sang by her spinning-wheel, before fate threw her in the way of FAUST. And these professional musicians will tear her reputation to pieces among themselves! Why should musical people be, of all others, most fond of discord? ”

“ The old cannibal observes the change of base, feels insulted at the implied distrust, and resolves to have satisfaction. Increasing his efforts, he soon overtakes the runaway lovers, challenges his rival by giving him a dig with his claw, and tells him to "come out and show himself a crab." Of course no crab of spirit is going to receive an insult before his beloved and not resent it; with one painful quiver of his little legs, he sets the lady crab down, and then the two amorous lovers proceed to deadly combat. ”

“ PUNCHINELLO is pained to know that the circulation of his bewitching contemporary, The Sun, is daily growing more and more languid. Paralysis has set in, and the patient but seldom has the energy to dictate the daily bulletin giving the state of his circulation. ”

“ Freedom of action is one of the greatest boons enjoyed by mankind in modern days. Its rate of progress is encouraging, especially since the Liberal Club of this city has taken it under its protection. It is a very significant association, is the Liberal Club; rather iconoclastic, to be sure, but only a little ahead of the times, perhaps, in that respect; Some of our cherished forms of speech have already been rendered obsolete by the Liberal Club. It used to be such a clincher to say, when one wanted to enforce a point by indicating an impossibility, "I will eat my boots unless"—etc., etc. ”

“ They want to shave you, dress you, doctor you into your coffins, preach a funeral discourse over your remains, and then take your will into the Surrogate's Court and fight over the little property they have left you. ”

“ No wonder that, with the spread of the new theories of woman's rights, therefore, we find them invading departments of industry which were formerly supposed to be peculiarly the domain of the stronger sex. ”

“ They are no more provident now, however, than they were at first, for, after having given up the old house, they have no new one to move into. They are not troubled as we are with house-hunting; they are good builders, and can make one to suit themselves. A wise provision of nature, for these interesting creatures are really obliged monthly to go out doors to grow.
This state is to them doubly dangerous. Mankind they always have to fear, but now they are tempting to their own race. A wicked old crab goes out for a stroll. The walk gives him an appetite ”

“ The Sportsmen's Clubs that have been organized throughout the country should be supported by every true sportsman; and if you lay a thick stick vigorously across the back of the first fool you see about to kill Cock Robin, you will have established a very efficacious Sportsman's Club of your own, and will have earned the best regards of Mr. PUNCHINELLO to boot—by which he means, if you choose, that you have his leave and license to boot the fellow into the bargain. ”

“ The spectacle of a pair of pegged boots sticking out from under a bed, and a razor and a hone grouped on the mantle-shelf, is not such as I should desire to encourage in the dormitory of a pupil under my tuition. ”

“ All these horrors come and and don't make much difference in the chignon market; but PUNCHINELLO has a new one that is calculated to create a sensation—about the nape of the female neck—and here it is.
In the beech forests of Hungary, as is well known to Danubian explorers, there exists a very remarkable breed of pigs, one of their peculiarities being that they are covered with wool instead of with bristles. These pigs are shorn regularly every year, like sheep. Their wool, which is very stiff and curly, is used for stuffing cushions and mattresses of the cheap and nasty kind. ”

“ Then, glancing over towards Long Island, he observed that Nature was already assuming her russet robes, which circumstance, combined with that of the target company, reminded him that the shooting season had just commenced. A few hints to young sportsmen, then, from so old a one as PUNCHINELLO, will not, be hopes, be taken amiss—not even though, in shooting phrase, a miss is generally as good as a mile. ”

“ Every day or so somebody writes to a paper, saying that be has discovered a new kind of parasite, hatched by the genial warmth of woman's nape from some deleterious padding or other used in the manufacture of her chignon. ”

“ The worshippers are too busy with risings, kneelings, bowings, and miscellaneous devout gymnastics, to heed his casual imperfections, and his headache makes him fiercely indifferent to what any one else may think. ”

“ Nature beautifully compensates this loss by making language very full—more words than ideas. In profane language, I dare say, now, you are particularly gifted.
"In one respect your head resembles that of the Father of His Country. It lacks adhesiveness. So does GEORGE'S—on the postage stamps.
"Unlike most subjects, your organ of firmness is not confined to any one spot, but is spread over the entire skull. ”

“ A buzz of conversation is everywhere going on. Did any one ever notice the curious fact that a middle-aged man and woman can converse at a theatre or concert room without either one finding any difficulty in hearing what the other says, while no young man can make his accompanying young lady hear a single word unless his mouth is in close proximity to her ear? This singular state of things is doubtless due to the peculiar acoustical properties of public buildings. ”

“ Now, it is easy to imagine that the trichinae obtained from a hungry pig must be of a very insatiable and ravenous disposition, and this is but too often realized by the silly wearers of the porcine chignons, into whose brains, (when they happen to have any,) the horrible little parasites worm their way in myriads, rendering their hapless victims pig-headed to an extent that defies description either with pen or pencil. ”

“ The old maids are the ones who start the rows. Let them all be married to some one man of a peaceable, loving, quiet disposition—say WENDELL PHILLIPS. Let the President, if necessary, issue his proclamation making the United States one vast Utah, and let us all be Young. ”

“ When you hear the drum of the ruffed grouse, steal silently through the thicket and let drive in the direction of the sound. Should you bring down a target company instead of a ruffed grouse, so much the better. It will only be bagging ruffs of another kind, and by silencing their drums you will have conferred an obligation upon humanity.
There is much diversity of opinion regarding the best kind of dog for fowling purposes. It all depends upon what work you want your dog to do for you. If you want to have birds pointed, a pointer is best for your purpose. If set, a setter. ”

“ Only single ghosts have attachments for the houses in which they once lived. So, never mind the boots and razor, darling; which, after all, if seen by peddlers, or men who come to fix the gas, might keep us safe from robbers. ”

“ Ambition, combativeness, and destructiveness are all on a colossal scale. Happily they are balanced by gigantic caution, else you would be in imminent danger of subverting the liberties of your country. ”

“ Many of the ladies and gentlemen present partook of the boot pudding, and pronounced it excellent. One lady, (a member of Sorosis, we believe,) said that she thought it tasted like a pear. The Professor assured her, however, that he had used but one boot in making it, not a pair. Altogether, the pudding was a success. Freedom of action had been vindicated, and the absurd prejudice that had hitherto prevented men from utilizing their old boots as food, except in extreme cases, was shattered with one blow. ”

“ The English language is a "mighty onsartin" one. Here, now, in a magazine sketch, we find it stated that one of the characters of the story was "as rich as CROESUS, and a good fellow to boot." Vernacularly, this is correct; and yet so equivocal is it that it puzzles one to think why the acquisition of wealth should subject the holder of it to the liability of being kicked. ”

“ Then, as a last treat, he led his panting companions through several lively up-hill blocks of drug-mills and tobacco firms, to where they had a distant view of a tenement house next door to a kerosene factory, where, as he vivaciously told them, in the event of a fire, at least one hundred human beings would be slowly done to a turn. ”

“ Under that standard march in the U.S. at least 20,000,000 feminines, and—horrible to relate—gal children are on the increase.
Certainly the devil must have invented petticoats. After EVE had finished up that little apple job, she went into the petticoat business, and—hence all our tears. Instantly petticoat government became a possibility. Then, as her daughters became wiser, they invented the weeping business, the swooning business, and the curtain lecture business; they went for our pocket-books and they got them, and petticoat government became a probability. ”