Various

“ Under the ardent sun of August, Bumsteadville slowly bakes, like an ogre's family-dish of stuffed cottages and greens, with here and there some slowly moving object, like a loose vegetable on a sluggish current of tidal gravy, and the spire of the Ritualistic church shooting-up at one end like an incorrigibly perpendicular leg of magnified mutton. ”

“ Then, casting carelessly over her shoulder that web-like shawl without which no woman nor spider is complete, she arranges her lips in the glass for the last time, and, with a garden-hat hanging from the elbow latest singed, goes down, humming un-suspiciously, into the open-air, with the guileless bearing of one wholly unprepared for company. ”

“ Her touching display of generous feeling does not soften him. On the contrary, he stands more erect, and smiles rather triumphantly under his straw hat.
"Beloved one," he murmurs, in a rich voice, "I find that I cannot induce you to make the first advance toward the mutual avowal we are both longing for, and must therefore precipitate our happiness myself. ”

“ PUNCHINELLO, I was interrupted by a peculiar sound, which I at first took for subdued applause, but which, on investigation, I found proceeded from the noses of the audience. In short, Mr. P., both audience and Convention were in a profound slumber. Considerably mortified, I withdrew in silence. I am determined, however, that my theses shall not be lost to posterity. I intend to have them published, and to send you a copy of each.
Profoundly yours,
CHINCAPIN.
Pearing Time. ”

“ If you will move your dress a little, so that I can sit beside you and allow your head to rest upon my shoulder, that fan will do for both of us, and we may converse in whispers."
"My head upon your shoulder!" exclaims Miss POTTS, staring swiftly about to see if anybody is looking. "I prefer to keep my head upon my own shoulders, sir."
"Two heads are better than one," the Ritualistic organist reminds her. ”

“ Press has honored PUNCHINELLO with a brief as well as premature obituary paragraph. Flattered as he is by being thus noticed in the columns of a journal of the long standing and well sustained popularity of the Free (and Easy) Press, it pains PUNCHINELLO to be obliged to state that he still lives, and that he is not only alive, but kicking. ”

“ Believe me, then, my devoted pupil, there can be nothing at all inconsistent with a prevalence of profound melancholy in your continued piano-playing; whereas, on the contrary, your sudden and permanent cessation might at least surprise your friends and the neighborhood into a light-heartedness temporarily oblivious of the memory of that dear, missing boy, to whom you could not, I hear, give the love already bestowed upon me. ”

“ If you would be famous, if you would make a perfect thing of this Crusade, if you would render the lives of your fellow mortals longer and happier, if you would win that noble and ingenuous youth, our son, go in vehemently! ”

“ I saw a play once in which the most blood-thirsty and brutal ruffian that ever existed was melted to tears at the mention of his mother's name, and childhood's happy hours, and everybody knows that what happens on the stage happens just the same in real life. ”

“ Hotter and hotter comes the breath fiery of nature's cookery, until some of the stuffing boils out of one cottage, in the shape of the Oldest Inhabitant, who makes his usual annual remark, that this is the Warmest Day in ninety-eight years, and then simmers away to some cooler nook amongst the greens. ”

“ POPULARITY.
Next to talk, popularity is the cheapest thing I know of. It is achieved by three classes—those who have brains, those who have money, and those who have neither. The first earn it; the second buy it ”

“ The great heat of the sun upon his back makes him irritable, and when Miss POTTS sharply smites with her fan the knuckles of the hand which he has affably extended to take her by the chin, more than the usual symptoms of acute inflammation appear at the end of his nose, and he blows hurriedly upon his wounded digits. ”

“ Unless AGASSIZ is gassing us, the true seal has no sign of an ear, wherefore the deafening roar of the surf in which it delights to sport is probably no inconvenience to it. As distinguished from dumb beasts in general, it may properly be called a deaf and dumb animal. ”

“ I must go home to write an editorial welcoming the new republic, and prophesying all manner of success for it. The American people like that sort of trash, though they have already twice seen the French try republican institutions only to make a muddle of them. ”

“ Since my arrival at man's estate I have frequently experimented on the Elasticity of the Precious Metals, but have generally found it extremely difficult to make both ends meet.
Considering, therefore, that I had as just a claim to be called scientific, as many who pretend to be Savants, I determined to attend the late Scientific Convention at Troy. My reception was most gratifying. On presenting my credentials to the Convention, that learned body welcomed me with open arms, and I was escorted to a place among the members by its distinguished head. ”

“ When you run up gold it hits the hul mercantile body of this nation a wipe in the stummuck. A good many little cubs, as well as a few ole Bears, have been gobbled up by your confounded efforts at runnin' up gold, while you grin and chuckle like the laffin' hyena, when ransackin' Navy Yards and whisky distilleries. ”

“ We have the best authority for stating that General GRANT, during his recent visit to Boston, remarked that he was gratified at the manner in which gravy was produced in Massachusetts. Our talented Chief Magistrate is a man of few words, but what he does say is spicy, and to the point."
At the Peace Jubilee, GRANT said he "liked the cannon best;" but the reporters, being confidentially informed that the remark wasn't intended for posterity, it didn't get out much. I didn't hear of his saying anything else.
If a popular man takes cold, the whole public sneeze. ”

“ There's the feller that's goin' to get married!' When a man is about to make a fool of himself, it is not for children to remind him of it."
The door being opened before she can answer, FLORA receives a parting bow of Grandisonian elegance from Mr. BUMSTEAD, and hastens up stairs to her room in a distraction of mind not uncommon to those having conversational relations with the Ritualistic organist.
(To be Continued.)
A GOOD FIGHT.
We presume that all the Boston people "lecture" at times; at any rate they could, if they wanted to. No one doubts their ability. ”

“ I have lost a nephew who was very fond of apples, and a black alpaca umbrella of great value. A young Southerner, who has not lived in this State long enough to vote, has been found in possession of an apple singularly like the kind generally eaten by my missing relative, and his sister has come out in a waist made of second-hand alpaca?'—See the point now? ”

“ Outsiders rush in lickety smash, and invest all the money they can rake and scrape, in these inflated stocks. Suddenly you prick the bubble, when, alas! besides the cry-sis, there's more cry-bubs in and about Wall Street than there was in Egipt, when NAPOLEON BONAPART chopped off the heads off all the first born. Instances have been known, where a good many of you chaps have rammed your head in the Tiger's mouth once too often. ”

“ The earless, or true species, are often seen in considerable numbers on the British coast, and the Great Seal of England—only to be found in the vicinity of the Thames—is of such remarkable size and weight, that it never makes its appearance without producing a strong Impression.
The Green Seal, a much admired variety, is peculiar to Madeira, and seals of various colors are often seen in close proximity to the British. ”

“ I have always taken a profound interest in Science. When a child my fond parents observed in me a decided taste for Entomology, the wings and legs of butterflies and grasshoppers being the objects of my special investigation. ”

“ The most common-place sayings of popular men are handed down to posterity, and a casual remark about the weather is often framed and hung up in the spare-bedroom.
It behooves every public man to keep a sentence or two on hand, with a view to embalming them for future reference. I wish to state, in confidence, that if any prominent man who can't think of anything that sounds well, will address me, I will furnish him at the low price of one dollar a sentence. ”

“ There are kinds of music which, when performed rapidly upon the violin, fife, or kettle-drum, certainly fill the mind with sentiments unfavorable to the deeper anguish of human sorrow. Of such, however, is not the kind made by young girls, which is at all times a help to the intensity of judicious grief. ”

“ Oh! butiful broker,
With your arms clinchin' tite,
This innercent choker.
I'le stand it from thee,
If you'll never go near,
The Bulls and the Bears,
When HIRAM is here.
(This impromtu poetikism, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, kicked up quite a little breeze, in the midst of which the pretty brokers blushed and looked so bewitchin' like, that it was enuff to make a feller throw stuns at K. VANDERBILT if the pretty Dears only wanted him to.) ”

“ As an ex-statesman which has served his country for 4 years as Gustise of the Peece, raisin' said offis to a hire standard than usual, to say nothin' about raisin' an interestin' family of eleven morril an hily intellectooal children, I rise and git up, ontramelled by any politikle alliances, to say: that when you fellers git on a mussy fit, like the old woman who undertook to pick her chickens by runnin' them through a patent hash cutter, you make the feathers fly, and leave your victims in a hily clawed up stait. ”

“ The sensational paragraph writers had better "let up" on the question of an imminent dearth of ice. There is no real probability that we shall be without ice before winter sets in. It is only for the purpose of keeping us in hot water that the newspaper men say we shan't have cold water. ”

“ They can't live without their sweet and attractive little sister. And so, like many a bigger humbug, we shall take great credit, that belongs to somebody else, and assume to have done big things, at enormous expense of blood and money. ”

“ More and more intolerably quivers the atmosphere of the sylvan oven with stifling fervency, until there oozes from beneath the shingled crust of a vegetarian country-boarding-house a parboiled guest from the City, who, believing himself almost ready to turn, drifts feebly to where the roads fork and there is a shade more dun ”

“ There is something terrible to the young girl in the original turn of thought of this fascinating man. Say what she may, he at once turns it into virtual devotion to himself. He appears to have a perfectly dreadful power to hang everybody ”

“ A Sketch In the Bowery.
Small Frenchman. "WHAT FOR YOU HIT ME WITH YOUR DAMBABY VEN YOU PASS?"
Big German. "WANTS TO FIGHT?—DINKS YOU CAN WHIP ME, EH?"
Small Frenchman. "NO—BUT I CAN GIVE YOUR DAMBABY ONE BLACK EYE!"
BY GEORGE!
LAKE GEORGE, August 30.
DEAR PUNCHINELLO:—I arrived here last Saturday, and as I would be the last person to allow a commendable enterprise to languish for want of proper encouragement, and in order to put the Hotel proprietors out of suspense, I thought I would let you know without further delay that I consider Lake George a success. ”

“ I had one more jack in my cuff, however. I pulled out a copy of the Tribune and read a few paragraphs of GREELEY'S "What do I know about Farming."
That settled him!
He never got to the first semi-colon. It knocked the breath right out of him!
The poor old fossil had to quit. He changed his repeater to a leaver. But then you see he had held the office a good while.
He hasn't left the business to any one, either.
In future no one will go fooling round there except the fishermen. The sign is down. ”

“ She shrinks timidly from the brown linen arm which he begins insinuating along the back of the rustic settee, and tells him that she couldn't have believed that he could be so absurd. He draws back his arm, and seems hurt. ”

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Back numbers can always be supplied, as the paper is electrotyped. ”

“ Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank Checks on New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not otherwise ordered.
Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, twenty cents per year, or five cents per quarter, in advance; the CHROMOS will be mailed free on receipt of money. ”