Various

“ The burlesque Germans of the Grand Duchy of Gerolstein have vanished before the grim and earnest countrymen of grand and simple old King WILLIAM. It will be long before the French players find heart to burlesque anew the German soldiery. It will be some time, let us hope, before the German players at the Fourteenth Street theatre give way to the shameless antics of French Opera-Bouffe buffoons. ”

“ You've only to get yourself into exactly the same clove-y condition as on the night of the double disappearance, when you put your umbrella and nephew away somewhere, and you'll remember all about it again. You have two distinct states of existence, you see: a cloven one, and an uncloven one; and what you have done in one you are totally oblivious of in the other. ”

“ There is no American living who would sooner resent an insult to his native land than myself, and at such a crisis I felt that within me which might rise at any moment and crush the foul calumniator. But I reasoned to myself that I would not take the life of this man, now. ”

“ The immediate probability of the formation of the United States of Europe, suggests how wise we were not to change the location of the Capitol to some facetiously distant western metropolis of the future. The Capitol buildings are quite large enough to receive the delegates who will of course come on here to study the art of log-rolling, while the Chesapeake, being navigable almost to the Capitol steps, will save them the fatigue of a luxurious journey in the palace sleeping cars. ”

“ Hours of dialogue succeed to the previous hours of soliloquy. At intervals of fifteen minutes the curtain is dropped to enable the actors to discuss mugs of beer and the audience to discuss the actors. During these intervals we hear such remarks as these:
1ST GERMAN. "Subjectively considered, Faust is a tragedy. Objectively, we might regard it as a comedy. To the subjective-objective view, it is certainly a ballet pantomime. Ach! he was many-sided, our GOETHE. Here in this drama he has accomplished everything. There is food for our laughter and our tears. It excites us and calms us." ”

“ I have a sausage wrapped up in mine, but what are sausages compared with art! How divinely SEEBACH walks. To me, she seems like an incarnation of Pure Reason, an Avatar of the spirit of transcendental philosophy. Come, we will pledge her in beer."
1ST AMERICAN. "What are they making all that row about—just because SEEBACH walked across the stage? Why, she never said a word."
2D AMERICAN. "Let's go round to the hotel and take a quiet sleep till she comes on again. I've got my night-clothes with me. Always bring 'em when I go to see German tragedy." ”

“ They lie, wilfully and malignantly. I always pay my debts. Ask SEWARD if I do not. He remembers how I paid him the little debt I owed him, when I defeated his Presidential aspirations. Release me at once, or the Tribune will show your rotten Empire no mercy. If I am at liberty this evening I will send you a prize strawberry plant, and a copy of my work on political economy. ”

“ Every party imagines itself the right party, and welcomes him joyfully to its bosom. Republicans love him, Independents worship him, while Democrats would endure even the Fifteenth Amendment for his sake. ”

“ Of course it's the greatest thing ever written, but then I prefer DALY'S Gaslight, myself."
2ND GERMAN. "Ah, my friend, how this sublime creation stirs the inner depths of our spiritual natures. Ach, Himmel! it is the poem of Humanity. Let us go out for beer." ”

“ SMALLEY shall be sent to Paris as the Tribune's special correspondent, and you'll see the sort of news about your infamous court that he'll be instructed to send home.
"Yours Profanely, H.G."
"BERLIN, July 1, 1870.
"To THE EMPEROR OF THE FRENCH: His Majesty, the King, instructs me to say that he shall do just as he pleases in all affairs public and private. He advises you to attend to your own affairs, and if you have any more propositions for stealing other people's territory, to address them to Russia, or the United States. Prussia is not at present in that line of business. ”

“ We hail with joy the accession of PUNCHINELLO to the ranks of independent journalism as embodied in the Sun, with a circulation of over 100,000, CHAS. B. DANA Editor, price two cents. Reinforced by this powerful journal, we shall continue with renewed vigor to demand of HORACE GREELEY his reasons why J.C. BANCROFT DAVIS should not be removed from the Assistant Secretaryship of State. We shall persevere in our attempts to make Gen. GRANT understand that to move four and a half inches from the White House is an infraction of the Constitution. ”

“ In the art of dress-making for ladies the Chinese display wonderful skill. Their taste and inventiveness in this branch are unrivalled even by the best French modistes. The panier with which it pleases the ladies of the period to protuberate their persons was of Chinese origin. It was revealed in an opium dream to a celebrated male mantua-maker of Pekin, who sold the idea to a Yankee-Notions man travelling in China for a Paris house. ”

“ One of the Coolies employed in the great HERVEY wash-house at South Belleville, N.J., was observed to watch with great interest an itinerant performer on the accordion. Shortly afterwards, catching up a sucking-pig by the tail and snout, he manipulated it precisely as the player did the accordion, producing—accordion to the testimony of several credible witnesses,—strains quite as good as, if not worse than, those drawn out by that musician. ”

“ Will no other jealous contiguous nations fall out? Must we fall out ourselves? Election is still a good way off, and, really, we don't see what's to be done. Fights are few, and suicides are falling off. ”

“ Among them he enumerated target-companies, sewing-machines, patent baby-jumpers, nitro-glycerine, shoo-fly chewing-tobacco, wooden hams, stuffed ballot-boxes, and a hundred other things which we are prone to brag of as being purely Yankee and original. We are too conceited about ourselves, by a great deal, and it is good for us that even Chinese shoemakers should come here once in a while, to "take us out of our boots." ”

“ If any such persons were found, they should be requested to announce it through the columns of the Woman's Journal, and let the world know the fools wasent all dead yet.
Should the candidates be opposed to our cause, it was recommended that when the Woman's Convention Committee meet, on the 18th of October, that ten talented talkers be appointed to surround the candidates and talk them to death as a warnin to futer candidates. ”

“ Thus the "great world spins forever down the ringing grooves of change." For Papal Infallibility, the Romans will have that of the editorial WE; for the canons of the Church Militant they will have ubiquitous reporters discharging themselves in the public ear; the testimony of the pillars of the Church will be replaced by the assertions of the editorial columns; the Inquisition will become a press club-house for Reporters and Interviewers, and the Propaganda an office where 'extras' are concocted and forced on the unsuspecting public. ”

“ As soon as the 200,000 Chinamen ordered by Mynheer KOOPMAN-SCHOOP arrive in this country, a good business can be driven by Yankee toothpick makers in supplying them with chopsticks. This word was originally "stop-chick," being so called from the use occasionally made of it by Chinamen for knocking down young poultry. It became corrupted, like everything that is good and pure, by contact with extreme civilization. Anybody who can make a shoe-peg or wooden toothpick can make a chopstick. It is to be hoped that the chopstick may ultimately be adopted here instead of the knife and fork. ”

“ And it's haze may be seen through a glass of beer.
Query for Romancers.
Used the Knights of the Round Table ever to get a "Square meal"?
SARSFIELD YOUNG ATTENDS A COUNTY FAIR.
DEAR PUNCHINELLO: From early ages, man has been a tiller of the soil. My ancestors were pretty much all in this line of business. My venerable great-grandfather-in-law came over in the Mayflower, and though not exactly a tiller himself, he is supposed to have had a good deal to do with the tiller department of that historic ship. Several of our folks have, from time to time, studied agriculture on New England town farms ”

“ They are the mad puddles of artificial ignorance. If a red-headed woman was alowed to shed her lite, the proffessors would be throwed into the shades rite lively. The result would be, the blind would lead the near-sited by the nose. ”

“ When we get hold of the ballit, man has got to get up early in the mornin' to fool us much. All the koketting with the Democrats, Republicans, Prohibitionists, and Labor Reformers in the offis of the Woman's Journal, last summer, don't amount to shucks. ”

“ SOME TRAITS OF THE CHINESE.
f all human races, next to the monkies, the Mongolians are the most imitative. They are only a little lower than the monkies in this respect, and we have seen some trained ones that could successfully compete with the Simians on their own ground. ”

“ One reason why this country is so earnestly opposed to the Napoleonic dynasty, is that there is no probability that the descendants of the Prince Imperial would give us any assistance in settling the Alabama Question. ”

“ Some hope that the great Powers of Europe may yet be saved from a fate similar to that of the Kilkenny Cats, is to be found in the fact that General BURNSIDE, favorably known in Rhode Island, is making arrangements for bringing about peace between France and Germany. ”

“ At least let us hope that the change will offer a reputable business for the army of beggars which has formerly been licensed by the church. A chance will now be offered them to become newspaper agents, thus making a living respectably by selling accounts of other people's deformities, instead of disreputably by exhibiting their own. ”

“ The Star.
"PUNCHINELLO has joined the Right Party, by which he obviously means the Star, whose circulation last Sunday exceeded 375,005 copies.
"But this has nothing to do with the domestic policy of the Peruvians, as expounded by the first CAESAR.
"PUNCHINELLO will prove a pillar of strength to Tammany Hall, unless the siege of Paris should prove disastrous to the consumption of lager-bier, as set forth in 'Boiled for her Bones' and other tales by the best authors."
But Personals, my dear Star, Personals are the things that pay. If thus, why not? ”

“ In Westchester county a fine of $25 is hereafter to be levied upon each jackass in human form who shoots birds on Sunday. It is to be hoped that the little bills may thus be saved from holiday havoc by persons who object to incurring large ones. ”

“ The following letters were yesterday discovered among the private papers of the late Emperor—L.N. BONAPARTE. They were instantly forwarded to us by our special correspondent. They will be used to-morrow in a mutilated form by less enterprising journals, such as the Tribune and its partners of the Associated Press.
"NEW YORK, May 10, 1860.
"DEAR EMPEROR: I am thinking of writing a biography of you, in the same style as my biography of your Uncle. ”

“ Then ensue other hours of dialogue, interspersed with soliloquies of half an hour each. Interspersed also with perpetual dropping of the curtain, whereby the play is made to last some eight or ten hours longer than would otherwise be the case. Most of the German music that has been written during the last three centuries is played by the orchestra during these intermissions. ”

“ They have made all the pre-paid Envelopes for the United States Post-Office Department for the past 16 years, and have INVARIABLY BEEN THE LOWEST BIDDERS. Their Machinery is the most complete, rapid and economical known in the trade. ”

“ The paper will be sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not otherwise ordered.
Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, twenty cents per year, or five cents per quarter, in advance; the CHROMOS will be mailed free on receipt of money.
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The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of seeing the paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A specimen copy sent to any one desirous of canvassing or getting up a club, on receipt of postage stamp. ”

“ It was very noble in TIMOTHY LEE so promptly to come to the rescue. But,—hold! PUNCHINELLO will not be imposed upon: at this moment are there not grounds for suspecting this "paper boy" to have been merely a "man of straw"?
APPROPRIATE.
Pompey, (sawing.) "HOW YOU GWINE TO VOTE, SAM?—I'SE BIN saw BY DE 'PUBLICAN PARTY."
Sambo. "BOFE PARTIES SEE'D ME, AND SO I'M GWINE TO SPLIT."
A Sporting Con. ”

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Subscription for One Year, one copy,
with $2 Chromo Premium. $4.
Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new serial, which promises to be the best ever written by ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular receipt weekly. ”

“ Feller citizens: We've got together, as usual, without any plan of operation, except to howl and make faces at the critter man, ontil he is ready to give up his liberties and endow us angelic beeins with the privilege of fillin' up with benzine on eleckshun day ”