Various

“ So, although no one in all Bumsteadville was in the least afraid of the pauper burial-ground at any hour, it was not invariably selected by the great mass of the populace as a peerless place to go home by at midnight; and the two intellectual explorers find no sentimental young couples rambling arm in arm among the ghastly head-boards, nor so much as one loiterer smoking his segar on a suicide's tomb.
"JOHN McLAUGHLIN, you're getting nervous again," says Mr. BUMSTEAD, catching him in the coat collar with the handle of his umbrella and drawing the other toward him hand-over-hand. ”

“ Wars of succession are no more. Absolutism must forever hang its head. Fling a glance at France; peer into Prussia, Vox populi is the voice of the King, and the voice of the king is therefore vox Dei. When a king speaks for his people he must speak sooth; what he says of other peoples must be taken with a grain of salt. ”

“ L'Empire c'est la paix. Prussia would place a poor and distant relative of mine on the throne of Spain, therefore must we recover the natural frontier of France, which lies upon the Rhine. The rhino is ready, and we are ready for the Rhine. Let my red republican subjects recall Valmy and Jemappes, and their generals KELLERMANN and DUMAURIOZ. Let every Frenchman kill a Prussian, every woman too kill her man. ”

“ From my infancy, when ugly women with horrid breaths would stop my nurse in the streets and insist upon kissing me—through my school-days, when the girls would pet me and offer me a share of their nuts and candies, and the boys laugh at me in consequence, and call me "gal-boy," squirt ink upon my face for beauty-spots, and present me with curl-papers and flowers for my hair—until the present, when I am denied introductions to young ladies and am put off on old women—I have suffered for my looks. ”

“ La Giselle is a grand ballet in which an elaborate plot is developed by the toes of some fifty young ladies. There is a young woman in it who loves a man, and there is another woman who also loves him, and another man who loves the first woman, and meddles and mars as though he were a professional philanthropist. ”

“ Then ensue a momentary wild struggle and muffled crash; for each gentleman, coming blindly upon the other, has taken the light glimmering at the other's back for the light at the top of the ladder, and, further mistaking the other in the dark for the ladder itself, has attempted to climb him. ”

“ Thus, and thus only, is Man immortal. You are made exclusively of Atoms of matter, yourself, JOHN McLAUGHLIN. So am I."
"I can understand a man's believing that he, himself, is all Atoms of matter, and nothing else," responds OLD MORTARITY, skeptically. ”

“ The woman—the first woman, I mean—goes crazy down to the extremity of her feet, and dies, and then there are more women,—no; these last are disembodied spirits, with nothing but light skirts on,—who dance in graveyards, and make young men dance with them till they fall down exhausted, calling in vain for BROWN to take them home in carriages, and pay for their torn gloves. ”

“ The Right whale, though many people make Light of it, is unquestionably the heaviest of living creatures. Scales never contained anything so ponderous. But while conceding to Leviathan the proud title of Monarch of the Deep, it should be remarked that it has a rival on the land, known as Old King Coal, that completely takes the Shine out of it. ”

“ But who can meditate upon the memorable stanzas, and not see, in fancy, the enthusiastic youth—the lover of melody and of nature—as he enters his dingy room, the ordinary abiding place of poetical geniuses. ”

“ Deekin PERKINS got beat when they come to "saw off."
Said this pious man:
"If old GREEN don't chaw his words, I'll bust his gizzard."
The farmers met at SIMMINSES store. After tryin' on the garment about steelin' wood, it was hard to decide who the coat fit the best, but each one made up his mind to pay off an old grudge and "pitch into the Lait Gustise."
All the old mades met together in the village milliner shop, where the Sore-eye-siss society held meetin's once a week, and their false teeth trembled like a rattlesnake's tail, when they read my artickle about old mades. ”

“ My affections have been trifled with several times, "because," as they said, "when they had drawn me to the proposing point, I was too handsome to be good for anything as a husband—I did very well for a beau." Goodness! is it only ugly men that can marry? I want to marry and settle down; for I am so slighted in society that I look with envy upon homely or mis-shapen men. ”

“ Sometimes I think there is no spot on the globe where I would be welcomed; and I feel inclined to commit some desperate deed, that I may be arrested and confined out of the sight of man and woman-kind, until I am aged and bent enough to be presentable. ”

“ The largest of the Cetacea is the Right whale, of which—so persistently is it hunted down—there will soon be but few Left. Some flippant jokist has remarked that there is no Wrong whale, but this is all Oily Gammon. There is a right and a wrong to everything—not excepting the leviathan of the deep. ”

“ Papa, anxious to watch the unfolding of the human mind, and its gradual development, would take the baby-prodigy in his arms, and with keen glance directed upon its face, repeat, in thrilling tones, the sublime words. ”

“ The pauper burial-ground toward which they now progress in a rather high-stepping manner, or—to vary the phrase—toward which their steps are now very much bent, is not a favorite resort of the more cheerful village people after nightfall. Ask any resident of Bumsteadville if he believed in ghosts, and, if the time were mid-day and the place a crowded grocery store, he would fearlessly answer in the negative ”

“ By the bye, I don't know a better application, in the present weather, than claret punch. Apply yourself continually to that cooling beverage, and apply it continually to your lips, and the result is a sort of reciprocity treat, whose results are much more certain than those of the reciprocity treaty, of which Congress has latterly had so much to say.
To contemplate La Giselle in all its bearings is a pleasure which is peculiarly appropriate to the season. KATHI LANNER and her companions may not be really cool, but they look as though they were. ”

“ The first young woman, and a young man—not the other young man, you understand—does a good deal of—Well, in fact, things are rather mixed before the ballet comes to an end, but I know that it's a good thing, for FISK sits in his private box and applauds it, which he wouldn't do if he didn't. ”

“ Although the capture of the whale involves an immense amount of Paying Out before anything can be realized, it has probably always been a lucrative pursuit. The great fish seems, however, to have yielded the greatest Prophet in the days of JONAH. No man since then has enjoyed the same facilities for forming a true estimate of the value of the monster, that were vouchsafed to that singular man. ”

“ I am naturally a modest man, made more so by my extreme sensitiveness to personal criticism; and to be obliged to stand apparently unconscious, when I know I am being looked at and commented upon, is harrowing to my feelings. ”

“ All the whale family, though apparently phlegmatic, are somewhat given to Blowing up, and, when about to die, instead of taking the matter coolly and philosophically, they are always terribly Flurried. In fact, the whale, when in articulo mortis, makes a more tremendous rumpus about its latter end than any other animal either of the sea or land. ”

“ I have often thought that nature must have intended me for a writer of sermons. I have such a facility for beginning an article with a series of general remarks that have nothing whatever to do with the subject. ”

“ Wonder how a farmer in this town, whose name we will not rite, likes burnin' wood from his nabor's wood-pile?"—
"We would advise a sertin toothles old made to leave off paintin' her cheeks, and stop slanderin' her nabors. ”

“ My body was purpler than a huckleberry pie, and my linen was torn into pieces finer than a postage-stamp.
"Sarved you rite, you old fool," said Mrs. GREEN, as she stood rubbin' camfire onto me. "In ritin' noosepaper articles, editors orter name their man. A shoe which hain't bilt for anybody in particular, will get onto evrybody in general's foot. ”

“ I want an intelligent and agreeable wife, and one that comes of a respectable family. I don't think I am asking too much, but it seems fate has determined such a one I can never have! I have either to remain single, or take one that is "ignorant and vulgar." ”

“ I hadent more'n had time to pull out a few quarts of needles, before in walks 2 big strappin' farmers.
"Old man, we've come for you," said one of 'em. "We'll larn you to slander honest fokes."
At this he let fly his rite bute at my cote skirts.
I was home-sick, you can jest bet. Then t'other chap let me have it.
"Down stairs with him," sed they both, and down I went, pooty lively for an old man.
Just as I got to the bottom I lit on a man's head. It was Deekin PERKINS comein' to "bust my gizzard."
"Hevings and airth," sed the Deekin as he tumbled over in the entry way. ”

“ Yes, our present object is the defence of our country and the capture of Alsace and Lorraine, which mere politeness prevented us from claiming hitherto. On, then, soldiers of Deutchland. Let our law reign in Lorraine, for what is sauce for the Prussian goose should be Alsace for the Gallic gander. The God of battles is on the side of our just cause ”

“ Stop Thief.—If that Deekin, who trades at one of our grocery stores, and helps himself to ten cents worth of tobacker while buyin' one cents worth of pipes, will devide up his custom, it would be doing the square thing by the man who has kept him in tobacker for several years. ”

“ Fanny inquires whether "ballot girls" are wanted in New York. Wyoming is a better field for them than this city.
Maine Chance has been paying his devoirs with great impartiality to two young ladies. One of them has red hair and a Roman nose, but the paternal income is very handsome. The other is witty and pretty, but can bring no rocks, except possibly "Rock the cradle." Recently he called on the golden girl, and a menial rudely repulsed him from the door. ”

“ As they will Swallow anything, we Took them In very fast Although extremely voracious, they are so simple that if it were not for their size they would fell an easy prey to the Sea Gull, which, in spite of its name, is a very Wide Awake bird. Stingarees are fish of much more Penetration—their sharp tails slashing everything that comes in their way. ”

“ P. clapped into the hole a lot of manuscripts which he had brought with him for consideration. (Correspondents who may experience apparent neglect will please take notice. It is presumed, of course, that every one who writes anything worth reading, will keep a copy of it.)
Now the rocks were comparatively near, and standing up to his knees in water, Mr. P. gave the appropriate heart-rending cry for succor. But in spite of the prevailing calm, he perceived that there was a surf upon the rocks, and a noise of many waters. At the top of his voice Mr. P. again shouted. ”

“ In their swayings under the confusions and delusions of the vault, their lanterns have worked around to the neighborhoods of their spines, so that, whichever way they turn, the light is all behind them. Greatly agitated, as men are apt to be when surrounded by supernatural influences, they do not perceive the cause of this apparently unnatural illumination ”

“ Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, twenty cents per year, or five cents per quarter, in advance; the CHROMOS will be mailed free on receipt of money.
CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be given. For special terms address the Company.
The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of seeing the paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A specimen copy sent to any one desirous of canvassing or getting up a club, on receipt of postage stamp. ”

“ McLAUGHLIN," he solemnly remarks, waving his umbrella at the graves around, "in this scene you behold the very last of man's individual being. In this entombment he ends forever. Tremble, J. McLAUGHLIN!—forever. Soul and Spirit are but unmeaning words, according to the latest big things in science. The departed Dr. DAVIS SLAVONSKI, of St. Petersburg, before setting out for the Asylum, proved, by his Atomic Theory, that men are neatly manufactured of Atoms of matter, which are continually combining together until they form Man ”