Various

“ Among the numerous portraits of the late CHARLES DICKENS now before the public, none are likely to be more popular than one in chromograph lately issued by PRANG & Co., of Boston and New York. It represents the great and genial writer as some few years younger than he was when he last visited this country. The expression of the face is one of thought—rather as he might have appeared when meditating over some new turn to be given to the thread of a narrative, than as he used to look when reading to an audience. ”

“ Each of these good people carries four dollars ($4) in his right hand, which he waves at PUNCHINELLO, who affably accepts the greenbacks from him when within proper distance, and then, dipping his pen in ink without a drop of gall in it, books the donor for a year's subscription in advance.
As for party, PUNCHINELLO knows but one party—and that is the Right Party. Stirring times are before us. The Right Party is not going to lie down and sleep while the times are stirring. Nor is PUNCHINELLO. When anything that interests the Right Party has got to be stirred, PUNCHINELLO will be on hand. ”

“ Clearly not Madame Piper, for she was too fat and heavy to have any light-fingered proclivities.
Clearly not the Piper himself, for he was playing his bagpipe and could prove an alibi.
There was no one left but TOM. Circumstances pointed him out: he loved good eating and hated work, and had been noticed gazing upon the charms of the missing family pet. It was settled, then. TOM was the thief, and the offender must be punished. But how? Law was too uncertain and expensive, TOM was too poor to pay for the pig, so it was resolved to take the worth of it out of him by beating. ”

“ The music is ended and the crowd disperses. The absence of piggy is unnoticed till the red-headed urchin whose playmate it is looks around for the loved companion, of his childish sports, and finds it not. ”

“ He waits until his five immense stages arrive at some remote and solitary part of the road, then draws them up in a semi-circle, mounts a stump, and—on pretence of exhibiting the beauties of nature—proceeds to harangue the helpless fares to the top of his very high bent, or until one of the slumbering "outsides" creates a welcome diversion by falling off and breaking his neck. ”

“ But, "Murder will out," and the tiny bones told their own tale. The village detective soon coupled the feet of the missing pig with the unusual occurrence of a heap of bones before the door of the musician's abode, and by a process of reasoning unknown to the detectives of the present day, decided that those bones were a pig's bones—a stolen pig's bones, from the fact that the Piper did not earn enough to indulge in such luxuries as sucking-pigs. ”

“ A robbery of a bank of a million, when it happens to affect hundreds of people, or a midnight murder executed with the malignancy of a fiend, will sometimes stir up the public for a few days, but even that soon passes out of mind, and society settles back into its imperturbable apathy, retreating with each wave of excitement still further, and becoming by degrees proof against being stirred by anything that does not affect ourselves personally. ”

“ Blushing with pleasure at the implied compliment to his equipage from such lips, the skilled horseman had not the heart to object to the wildly mutilated fragment of currency with which his fare had been paid, and went back to where his steeds were taking turns in holding each other up, as happy a man as ever lost money by the change in woman. ”

“ If your highly-gifted corps of artists should wish to depict me in a connection which would satisfy my sense of honor, let them make a sketch entitled: "The Two Exiles,"—one of whom may be,my Uncle at St. Helena; the other, me, at Weehawken, with my family near, a glass of wine at my side, a cigarette in one hand, and a copy of PUNCHINELLO in the other!
But let me not anticipate. Sufficient unto the day is the (d) evil thereof.
Royally yours,
L. N.
Maxim for the next new President.
"A place for everybody, and everybody in his place." ”

“ We have progressed beyond being stirred by any little peccadillo such as the theft of a pig or a sheep, or even a watch or a purse, unless it contains a large amount, and was taken under the most aggravating circumstances from ourselves. ”

“ Everybody finds out that GEOFFREY is an enormous liar and an unmitigated blackguard. Through the open windows are seen the editors of the Sun and the Free Press, each determined to be the first to offer GEOFFREY a place on the staff of his respective journal. The curtain falls and STOEPEL directs each member of the orchestra to play the tune that he may like best. After three hours of this sort of thing a humane person in the audience brings in a saw and begins to file it. ”

“ But the traditional historian tells us, he was the only one who was punished therefor; so, while we blame him, let us shed a tear of sympathy because he alone got the beating, the others the eating. The scene is graphically described thusly—
"Tom, Tom the Piper's son,
Stole a pig, and away he run."
Here we see Tom, the good-for-nothing, standing idly around, listening to the witching strains of his father's bagpipe, played by the industrious musician before the doors of the well-to-do villagers, with the laudable view of obtaining the wherewith to purchase the meat that both might eat ”

“ She's your wife. You're a married man."
ARNOLD. "Married! You infamous editor of a two cent daily paper; I deny it. (Curtain again falls, and STOEPEL plays the entire opera of ERNANI for two hours. Deaf old gentleman remarks that music is the STOEPEL entertainment at this theatre, and that he really likes it. The rest of the audience look at him with horror, as though he were a sort of aggravated and superfluous cannibal.) ”

“ It was a place that he—the hackman—always associated with his own mother, because he was so familiar with it in childhood, and had often thought of driving to it blindfolded for a wager.
Proud to learn that her guardian was so well known in the great city, and delighted that she had met a charioteer so minutely familiar with his house of business, FLORA stepped readily into the providential hack, which thereupon instantly began Rocking-Chair-ing, Old-Shoe-ing, and Gliding. Any one of these celebrated processes, by itself, might have been desirable ”

“ Few gentlemen are better known in large circles than these artists, none more highly appreciated by hosts of friends. But duty is duty—often stern, but never to be shirked; and so the faithful detectives inserted their Spitz-dog noses between the joints of the artists' doors, and, having smelt a very large rat, suddenly burst in upon these graphic malefactors, and caught them in the act, with all the tools and paraphernalia of their nefarious occupation scattered about their vile den. ”

“ During the last few weeks, an attack of dyspepsia had laid the foundation of a mind in the Flowerpot, as it generally does in other young female American boarding-school thinkers, and she was now capable of that subtle line of reasoning which is the great commendation of her sex to a recognized perfect intellectual equality with man. ”

“ It becomes a question of moment, then, whether a course of lectures upon art should not henceforth be considered an indispensable branch of the education of our excellent detectives. We would not limit the proposed extension of their education, however, to the study of art, alone. Botany should be insisted on as a necessary accession to the stock of the detectives' learning; and especially would we have them instructed in a full knowledge of the leguminous vegetables—such as beans.
Temporary Obscuration of the "Hub."
Boston already has the biggest church- organ in all Creation. ”

“ So I took one of EUGENIE'S old pocket-handkerchiefs which I found in the tent, stuck it on the end of the sabre of the nephew of his uncle, put NAP in the carriage, jumped in myself and drove to the Prussian camp. The moon shone; all nature smiled ”

“ The old-fashioned play of that name, which is daily acted everywhere about us, is usually more of a tragedy than a comedy, but Mr. DALY'S Man and Wife is comedy, farce, muscular christianity, and paralysis pleasantly mingled together. ”

“ The Proprietors and publishers of THE AMERICAN CHEMIST, having purchased the subscription list and stock of the American reprint of THE CHEMICAL NEWS, have decided to advance the interests of American Chemical Science by the publication of a Journal which shall be a medium of communication for all practical, thinking experimenting, and manufacturing scientific men throughout the country. ”

“ Possibly, the General European War might not occur in an ordinary married-lifetime, as France was no longer in a condition to menace England, Russia would be wary about provoking the new Prussian giant, and Austria and Italy were not likely soon to forget their last military misadventures ”

“ MOTTO FOR ALL GOOD CUBANS.—"The labor we delight in physics (S) pain."
THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.
unctually as announced, the FIFTH AVENUE THEATRE has re-opened. It has been improved by the addition of several private boxes that remind one of the square pews in old-fashioned churches, (by the way, why do Puseyites object to pews?) and by the erection of a hydrant near the conductor's seat, so that when the audience can endure STOEPEL'S music no longer, they can turn on the water and drown him and his long-winded orchestra. ”

“ Mr. P. gazed alternately at the man, the carriage, the horses, and the rock, and then he paid the driver two hundred and four dollars and twenty-five cents. The worthy Milesian pocketed the money and declared his intention of proceeding to Boston, which was only about forty miles away, and taking the railroad for New York
"If I don't, ye see, yer honor, I'll never get back in time for the Sunday; and the horses will be restin' in the cars." ”

“ I kinder had an idee that when the now busted up rooler of the Umpire tackled you, that it would have been a ten dollar greenback in his panterloons pocket if he had let the contract out on shares to his nabors.
I've allers heard say that as able-bodied a Loonatic as the French say you be, could handle any 3 ordinary men, "Be be Jost or Gobler damed," to cote from our friend BILLY SHAKESPEER.
We have had evidences here, of the superiority of Loonatics, mor'en once.
If a man can prove that his upper story is crackt, he can wallop his wife to his heart's content ”

“ It deals skilfully, sensibly, and delicately with the perplexities of early married life, as connected with the holy duties of Maternity, giving information which women must have, either in conversation with physicians, or from such a source as this—evidently the preferable mode of learning, for a delicate and sensitive woman. ”

“ When a man ups and does something nobody else can do, if they'd bust their biler tryin', then he is sot down as bein' crazy as a loon by his jelous nabors.
I haven't heard whether BISMARK'S or FRITZ'S upper storys were shaky, or not, but there haint the shadder of a dowt in my mind, but what both of these long headed chaps are madder than GEO. FRANCIS TRAIN any day ”

“ Instinctively holding her satchel aloft, to save its fragile contents from fracture, she rocked, shoed and glided all over the interior of the vehicle, without hope of gaining breath enough for even one scream, until, nearly unconscious, and, with her bonnet driven half-way into her chignon, she was helped out by the hackman at her guardian's door.
"I am dying!" she groaned.
"Then please remember me in your will, to the extent of two dollars," returned the hackman with much humor. "You're only a little sea-sick, miss ”

“ Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, twenty cents per year, or five cents per quarter, in advance; the CHROMOS will be mailed free on receipt of money.
CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be given. For special terms address the Company.
The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of seeing the paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A specimen copy sent to any one desirous of canvassing or getting up a club, on receipt of postage stamp. ”

“ BLADAMS is going on-with his work, which he calls 'The Amateur Detective;' and if it ever does come out you shall have a copy.—But, by the by," added the lawyer, suddenly, "you have not yet fully described to me the interview in which poor Mr. EDWIN'S uncle offered to become your husband."
She gave him a full history of the Ritualistic organist's handsome offer to her of his H. and H.; adding her own final decision in the matter as precipitated by the possibility of a General European war; and Mr. ”

“ Now it is a very clear case that the mistake in question—or joke—may be traced to a deficiency of education on the part of these vigilant and zealous detectives. Had they been properly cultivated in the various branches of art, the slight blunder to which we refer could not have occurred. The Spitz-dog noses, instead of smelling Rat, would have smelt its anagram, Art. ”