William Dean Howells

“ You're crazy, Agnes! Edward, I'll tell you what Willis does, when he's out of sorts a little: he takes a taste of whiskey-and-water. He says nothing freshens him up like it."
Roberts: "That's a good idea."
Mrs. Roberts, bustling into the dining-room and reappearing with a tumbler and a decanter: "The very thing, Amy! And thank you so much. Trying to make Edward remember seems to put everything out of my head! I might have thought of whiskey, though! If it's only loss of sleep, it will wake him up, and if [Pg 12] it's grippe, it's the most nourishing thing in the world." ”

“ Campbell: "Well, then we've got to pick the locks. Have you got a boot-buttoner? There's nothing like a boot-buttoner to pick locks. Or, hold on a minute! We've got to go about this thing systematically. Now, I don't think you can tell in your condition whether your dress-coat's in your closet or not, Roberts. We must bring your clothes all out here and lay them on the bed, and see. That dress-suit may turn up yet. You probably thought it was something like an ulster. I know how a [Pg 26] man's ideas get mixed, after a little too much freshening up." ”

“ Roberts, unmindful of his joke: "You're right, Willis. I may have overlooked it. I'll bring out everything." He disappears, and reappears with a business-suit of black diagonal, which he throws on the bed. "That isn't it."
Campbell, inspecting it: "No; but it isn't so far off. Some of the young chaps have their dress-coats made of diagonal. Try again, Roberts: you'll fetch it yet." Roberts disappears, and reappears with a frock-coat of blue and checked trousers. "Oh, that won't do, Roberts. Don't give way like that. Who ever saw a man in evening-dress with check trousers on? ”

“ Campbell: "It's something Willis [Pg 48] has put him up to. I knew it was from the way he kept so still. Where is he?"
Campbell, coming boldly forward out of Roberts's dressing-room, where he had previously taken refuge: "I've saved Roberts's life. If it hadn't been for me he couldn't have moved hand or foot. He was dead asleep when I came here, and I've been helping him look for his dress-suit." At these words Mrs. Roberts abandons herself to despair in one of the chairs overflowing with clothes. "Hello! What's the matter with Agnes?"
Mrs. Roberts: "I never can look any one in the face again! ”

“ Campbell, triumphantly: "Exactly! And now do you expect me to believe you haven't been at that decanter? Where do you suppose you put it?"
Roberts: "Where I always do on a hook in my closet."
Campbell: "You hang up your dress-suit? Why, it must look like a butler's! You ought to fold your clothes and lay them in a bureau drawer. Don't you know that? Very likely Agnes has got onto that while you've been away, and put them in here." He looks towards the bureau, and Roberts tries to pull open one drawer after another. [Pg 24]
Roberts: "This seems locked. I never lock my drawers." ”

“ I think these things look first-rate on you. There's no mistake about their giving you a youthful figure; we can just let them out a few stitches, and you'll be perfectly comfortable. The only thing now is the coat. I'm afraid that pinning back wouldn't do. We'd better try something else. I'll tell you! Send down and borrow Merrick's coat! He's still on the floor below you, I suppose?" [Pg 35]
Roberts: "Yes, but he's so thin—"
Campbell: "The very thing! Those thin fellows always have their things made roomy—"
Roberts: "But he's tall." ”

“ Edward has been spared a fearful bore, and nobody will ever be any the wiser about your putting away his evening dress—"
Campbell: "Oh, indeed! Won't they? When Baker and Merrick meet at the club, and exchange notes about Agnes locking up Roberts's clothes—"
Mrs. Roberts, with horror: "Edward! You didn't send that word to them!"
Roberts: "Why—why—I'm afraid we did, something like it, my dear. We had to explain our request, somehow—"
Mrs. Roberts, relaxing into a chair: "Then I simply never can hold up my head again." She lets it fall in typical despair. ”

“ Roberts: "But, Willis! Won't it bruise and deface the bureau? Agnes is very careful of this bu—"
Campbell: "Not at all. You just set the pick in here over the lock, and pry. [Pg 30] I sha'n't leave a scratch." They stoop down together in front of the bureau, and Campbell shows him how. "But what are you going to do? You've got to have your clothes if you're going to the musicale. Ah, here we are! Thanks," as Bella comes with the ice-pick, which he pushes in over the lock of the lowest drawer. ”

“ Merrick is a tall fellow. I'd no idea—"
Roberts, looking ruefully over his shoulder: "You see it won't do, Willis."
Campbell: "No, no! I don't say that, quite. But perhaps we'd better try something else. Who's overhead now?"
Roberts, desperately: "Baker. And he's short and fat—" [Pg 39]
Campbell: "Short and fat isn't at all bad." Touching the annunciator. "He's probably had his coat made rather long and snug. It'll be the very thing for you. We mustn't leave a stone unturned, or a coat untried." To Bella, appearing at the door, and putting her apron up to control herself at sight of Mr. ”

“ Send for the doctor as fast as the district messenger can fly; give him his car fare, and let one come for me; and jump into bed and cover up warm, and keep up the nourishment with the whiskey; there's another bottle in the sideboard ”

“ EVENING DRESS FARCE I
Mrs. Edward Roberts: "Now, my dear, Amy and I will get there early, so as to make up for your coming a little late, but you must be there for the last half, at least. I would excuse you altogether if I could, for I know you must be dead tired, up all night, that way, on the train, but Mrs. Miller is one of those people who never can listen to reason, and she would take deadly offence if you missed her musicale, and wouldn't forgive us the longest day she [Pg 2] lived. So you see?" Mrs. ”

“ Roberts, just let them see how well you look in Merrick's coat! Or, no: try Baker's first; I think Baker's is a little more swell on you, if anything." [Pg 54]
Bella, at the door: "Supper is served, Mrs. Roberts."
Campbell: "Supper?"
Mrs. Roberts: "Oh, yes! Mrs. Miller never gives you anything but ice-cream; and I thought we should all need something hot when we got back, and so I had a few—But I forgot all about the supper!"
Campbell: "I'm glad Bella didn't. Better let Bella put Roberts's clothes away, after this."
Mrs. Roberts, in extreme dejection: "Yes, I think I really had, Willis. ”