William Dean Howells

“ Mrs. Roberts: ‘Don’t mind him a bit, Mr. Bemis; it’s nothing but—’
Lawton: ‘Pure envy. I own it.’
Bemis: ‘All right, Lawton. Wait till—’
Mrs. Roberts, making a final stitch, snapping off the thread, and springing to her feet, all in one: ‘There, have you finished, Mr. and Mrs. Lou? Well, then, take this lace handkerchief, and draw it down from his neck and pin it in his waistcoat, and you have—’
Lawton, as Mr. Bemis rises to his feet: ‘A Gentleman of the Old School. Bemis, you look like a miniature of yourself by Malbone. ”

“ It’s all well enough for you to say that the robbery was a mistake; but it was a genuine case of garotting as far as the assault and taking the watch go. He’s a very pudgicky old gentleman.’
Roberts: ‘He is.’
Willis: ‘And I don’t see how you’re going to satisfy him that it was all a joke. Joke? It wasn’t a joke! It was a real assault and a bona fide robbery, and Bemis can prove it.’
Roberts: ‘But he would never insist—’
Willis: ‘Oh, I don’t know about that. He’s pretty queer, Bemis is. You can’t say what an old gentleman like that will or won’t do. ”

“ Mrs. Crashaw: ‘Agnes, you are the most ridiculously sensible woman in the country.’
Lawton, standing before the group, with his arms folded and his feet well apart, in an attitude of easy admiration: ‘The Wounded Adonis, attended by the Loves and Graces. Familiar Pompeiian fresco.’
Mrs. Roberts, looking around at him: ‘I don’t see a great many Loves.’
Lawton: ‘She ignores us, Mrs. Crashaw. And after what you’ve just said!’
Mrs. Roberts: ‘Then why don’t you do something?’
Lawton: ‘The Loves never do anything—in frescoes. They stand round and sympathise. ”

“ Mrs. Roberts: ‘Robbed? Why, Edward has been robbed too.’
Bemis: ‘—coming through the Common—’
Mrs. Roberts: ‘Yes, Edward was coming through the Common.’
Bemis: ‘—of my watch—’
Mrs. Roberts, in rapturous admiration of the coincidence: ‘Oh, and it was Edward’s watch they took!’
Willis: ‘It’s a parallel case, Agnes. Pour him out a glass of cologne to drink, and rub his head with brandy. And you might let him sit down and rest while you’re enjoying the excitement.’
Mrs. Roberts, in hospitable remorse: ‘Oh, what am I thinking of! Here, Edward—or no, you’re too weak, you mustn’t. ”

“ But Willis—Where’s Willis, Aunt Mary?’
Mrs. Crashaw: ‘Probably gone with him to help him.’
Mrs. Roberts: ‘Oh, he saw how unstrung poor Edward was! Mr. Bemis, I think you’re quite prejudiced. How could Edward help their escaping? I think it was quite enough for him, single-handed, to get his watch back.’ A ring at the door, and then a number of voices in the anteroom. ‘I do believe they’re all there! I’ll just run out and prepare your son. He would be dreadfully shocked if he came right in upon you.’ She runs into the anteroom, and is heard without: ‘Oh, Dr. Lawton! Oh, Lou dear! Oh, Mr. Bemis! ”

“ Roberts, entering the room before Campbell, and shaking hands with his guests: ‘Ah, Mr. Bemis; Mrs. Bemis; Aunt Mary! You’ve heard of our comical little coincidence—our—Mr. Bemis and my—’ He halts, confused, and looks around for the moral support of Willis, who follows hilariously.
Willis: ‘Greatest joke on record! But I won’t spoil it for you, Roberts. Go on!’ In a low voice to Roberts: ‘And don’t look so confoundedly down in the mouth. They won’t think it’s a joke at all.’
Roberts, with galvanic lightness: ‘Yes, yes—such a joke! Well, you see—you see—’
Mrs. Crashaw: ‘See what, Edward? ”

“ Bemis would be reasonable, even if I—’
Willis: ‘I’m afraid we couldn’t trust him. The only way is for you to take the bull by the horns.’
Roberts: ‘Yes?’
Willis: ‘You will not only have to lie, Roberts, but you will have to wear an air of innocent candour at the same time.’
Roberts: ‘I—I’m afraid I couldn’t manage that. What is your idea?’
Willis: ‘Oh, just come into the room with a laugh when we go back, and say, in an offhand way, “By the way, Agnes, Willis and I made a remarkable discovery in my dressing-room; we found my watch there on the bureau. Ha, ha, ha!” ”

“ Really, I don’t know what more we could ask of you, unless it were the foot-padded footpad himself as a commensal. If this sort of thing should become de rigueur in society generally, I don’t know what’s to become of people who haven’t your invention.’
Mrs. Roberts: ‘Oh, it’s all very well to make fun now, Dr. Lawton; but if you had been here when they first came in—’
Young Mrs. Bemis: ‘Yes, indeed, I think so too, Mrs. Roberts. If Mr. Bemis—Alfred, I mean—and papa hadn’t been with me when you came out there to prepare us, I don’t know what I should have done. ”

“ Roberts: ‘I’m afraid so. I’ll have the chain mended, of course. But when I went out this evening I left my watch on my dressing-table, and when you struck against me in the Common I missed it, and supposed I had been robbed, and I ran after you and took yours—’
Willis: ‘Being a man of the most violent temper and the most desperate courage—’
Roberts: ‘But I hope, my dear sir, that I didn’t hurt you seriously?’
Bemis: ‘Not at all—not the least.’ Shaking him cordially by both hands: ‘I’m all right. Mrs. Roberts has healed all my wounds with her skilful needle ”

“ Lawton: ‘Could you forgive Roberts for not capturing the garotter?’
Bemis: ‘Yes, I could. I could give the garotter his liberty, and present him with an admission to the Provident Woodyard, where he could earn an honest living for his family.’
Lawton, compassionately: ‘You are pretty far gone, Bemis. Really, I think somebody ought to go for Roberts.’
Mrs. Roberts, innocently: ‘Yes, indeed! Why, what in the world can be keeping him?’ A nursemaid enters and beckons Mrs. Roberts to the door with a glance. She runs to her; they whisper ”

“ And I don’t want you to eat very much at dinner, dear, and you must be sure not to drink any coffee, or the aconite won’t be of the least use.’ She turns and encounters her husband, who enters through the portière, his face pale, his eyes wild, his white necktie pulled out of knot, and his shirt front rumpled. ‘Why, Edward, what in the world is the matter? What has happened?’
Roberts, sinking into a chair: ‘Get me a glass of water, Agnes—wine—whisky—brandy—’
Mrs. Roberts, bustling wildly about: ‘Yes, yes. But what—Bella! Bridget! Maggy!—Oh, I’ll go for it myself, and I won’t stop to listen! ”

“ Don’t leave me, Edward! Aunt Mary!—Oh, if we must die, let us all die together! Oh, my poor children! Ugh! What’s that?’ The servant-maid opens the outer door, and uttering a shriek, rushes in through the drawing-room portière.
Bella the Maid: ‘Oh, my goodness! Mrs. Roberts, it’s Mr. Bemis!’
Mrs. Roberts: ‘Which Mr. Bemis?’
Roberts: ‘What’s the matter with him?’
Mrs. Crashaw: ‘Why doesn’t she show him in?’
Willis: ‘Has he been garotting somebody too?’
SCENE IV: MR. BEMIS, MR. CAMPBELL, MR. AND MRS. ROBERTS
Bemis, appearing through the portière: ‘I—I beg your pardon, Mrs. Roberts. ”

“ Roberts, surrounded by her guests, and confronting from her sofa Mr. Bemis, who still remains sunken in his armchair, has apparently closed an exhaustive recital of the events which have ended in his presence there. She looks round with a mixed air of self-denial and self-satisfaction to read the admiration of her listeners in their sympathetic countenances.
Dr. Lawton, with an ironical sigh of profound impression: ‘Well, Mrs. Roberts, you are certainly the most lavishly hospitable of hostesses. Every one knows what delightful dinners you give ”

“ He ran after the supposed thief, our poor friend Bemis here, and took Bemis’s watch away, and brought it home for his own.’
Young Bemis: ‘Yes, but—’
Mrs. Bemis: ‘But, papa—’
Bemis: ‘How do you know it? I can see how such a thing might happen, but—how do you know it did?’
Lawton: ‘I divined it.’
Mrs. Crashaw: ‘Nonsense!’
Lawton: ‘Very well, then, I read of just such a ease in the Advertiser a year ago. It occurs annually—in the newspapers. And I’ll tell you what, Mrs. Crashaw—Roberts found out his mistake as soon as he went to his dressing-room ”

“ The chrysanthemums would have been quite enough; and I know you’ve taken more cold. I could tell it by your voice as soon as you spoke; and just as quick as they’re gone to-night I’m going to have you bathe your feet in mustard and hot water, and take eight of aconite, and go straight to bed. ”

“ Mrs. Roberts: ‘They’ve been robbed! Garotted on the Common! And, oh, Dr. Lawton, I’m so glad you’ve come! They’re both injured internally, but I wish you’d look at Edward first.’
Bemis: ‘Good heavens! Is that Mrs. Roberts’s idea of preparing my son? And his poor young wife!’ He addresses his demand to Mrs. Crashaw, who lifts the hands of impotent despair.
PART SECOND MR. ROBERTS; MR. CAMPBELL
In Mr. Roberts’s dressing-room, that gentleman is discovered tragically confronting Mr. Willis Campbell, with a watch uplifted in either hand. ”