William Makepeace Thackeray

“ Gashleigh; “and a leg of beef is not a company dish.”
“Madame, they are to make the stock of the clear soup,” Mr. Cavalcadour said.
“WHAT!” cried Mrs. Gashleigh; and the cook repeated his former expression.
“Never, whilst I am in this house,” cried out Mrs. Gashleigh, indignantly; “never in a Christian ENGLISH household; never shall such sinful waste be permitted by ME. If you wish me to dine, Rosa, you must get a dinner less EXPENSIVE. The Right Honorable Lord Fortyskewer could dine, sir, without these wicked luxuries, and I presume my daughter's guests can.” ”

“ That lady was Mrs. Gashleigh. From that day the miserable Fitzroy was in her power; and she resumed a sway over his house, to shake off which had been the object of his life, and the result of many battles. And for a mere freak— (for, on going into Fubsby's a week afterwards he found the Peris drinking tea out of blue cups, and eating stale bread and butter, when his absurd passion instantly vanished) —I say, for a mere freak, the most intolerable burden of his life was put on his shoulders again—his mother-in-law. ”

“ Gashleigh knew what resolution there was in that. Once, when she had tried to physic the baby, there had been a similar fight between them.
So Mrs. Gashleigh made out a carte, in which the soup was left with a dash—a melancholy vacuum; and in which the pigeons were certainly thrust in among the entrees; but Rosa determined they never should make an entree at all into HER dinner-party, but that she would have the dinner her own way. ”

“ Fitz said with a laugh. “Am I to put on a cap and an apron?”
“No: but you are to go to the 'Megatherium Club' (where, you wretch, you are always going without my leave) , and you are to beg Monsieur Mirobolant, your famous cook, to send you one of his best aides-de-camp, as I know he will, and with his aid we can dress the dinner and the confectionery at home for ALMOST NOTHING, and we can show those purse-proud Topham Sawyers and Rowdys that the HUMBLE COTTAGE can furnish forth an elegant entertainment as well as the gilded halls of wealth.” ”

“ One of those strawberries is a meal for those young ladies, behind the counter; they nibble off a little from the side, and if they are very hungry, which can scarcely ever happen, they are allowed to go to the crystal canisters and take out a rout-cake or macaroon. In the evening they sit and tell each other little riddles out of the bonbons; and when they wish to amuse themselves, they read the most delightful remarks, in the French language, about Love, and Cupid, and Beauty, before they place them inside the crackers. They always are writing down good things into Mr. Fubsby's ledgers. ”

“ That there are people who are offended if you don't ask them at all, is a point which I suppose nobody will question. Timmins's earliest friend in life was Simmins, whose wife and family have taken a cottage at Mortlake for the season.
“We can't ask them to come out of the country,” Rosa said to her Fitzroy— (between ourselves, she was delighted that Mrs. Simmins was out of the way, and was as jealous of her as every well-regulated woman should be of her husband's female friends) —“we can't ask them to come so far for the evening.” ”

“ Gashleigh, the only feasible plan of economy which she can suggest, is that she could come and live with her daughter and son-in-law, and that they should keep house together. If he agrees to this, she has a little sum at the banker's, with which she would not mind easing his present difficulties; and the poor wretch is so utterly bewildered and crestfallen that it is very likely he will become her victim. ”

“ The housemaid gave utterance to the same sentiments in language more violent.
Little Buttons bounced up to his mistress, said he was butler of the family, Mrs. G. was always poking about his pantry, and dam if he'd stand it.
At every moment Rosa grew more and more bewildered. The baby howled a great deal during the day. His large china christening-bowl was cracked by Mrs. Gashleigh altering the flowers in it, and pretending to be very cool, whilst her hands shook with rage.
“Pray go on, mamma,” Rosa said with tears in her eyes. “Should you like to break the chandelier?” ”

“ The women descended from the drawing-room. “Look and see, ladies,” he said, inducting them into the dining-room: “there's the room, there's the table laid for heighteen, and I defy you to squeege in more.”
“One person in a party always fails,” said Mrs. Gashleigh, getting alarmed.
“That's nineteen,” Mr. Truncheon remarked. “We must knock another hoff, Ma'm.” And he looked her hard in the face.
Mrs. Gashleigh was very red and nervous, and paced, or rather squeezed round the table (it was as much as she could do) . The chairs could not be put any closer than they were. ”

“ Heaven bless you! THEY don't care about things that are no delicacies to them! But whatever she chose to write down, Fitzroy let her.
After the dinner and dessert were ordered (at Fubsby's they furnish everything: dinner and dessert, plate and china, servants in your own livery, and, if you please, guests of title too) , the married couple retreated from that shop of wonders; Rosa delighted that the trouble of the dinner was all off their hands but she was afraid it would be rather expensive. ”

“ I suppose it is the fact of perpetually living among such a quantity of good things that makes those young ladies so beautiful. They come into the place, let us say, like ordinary people, and gradually grow handsomer and handsomer, until they grow out into the perfect angels you see. ”

“ She doesn't like to be asked in the evening; and she'll bring her silver bread-basket and her candlesticks, which are very rich and handsome.”
“And you complain of Blanche for being too stout!” groaned out Timmins.
“Well, well, don't be in a pet,” said little Rosa. “The girls won't come to dinner; but will bring their music afterwards.” And she went on with the list.
“Sir Thomas and Lady Kicklebury, 2. No saying no: we MUST ask them, Charles. They are rich people, and any room in their house in Brobdingnag Gardens would swallow up OUR humble cot. ”

“ And, so saying, she rose and taking hold of his whiskers (which are as fine as those of any man of his circuit,) she put her mouth close up against his and did something to his long face, which quite changed the expression of it; and which the little page heard outside the door.
“Our dining-room won't hold ten,” he said. ”

“ Gashleigh, Rosa's mother— (and, by consequence, Fitzroy's DEAR mother-in-law, though I promise you that “dear” is particularly sarcastic) —Mrs. Gashleigh of course was sent for, and came with Miss Eliza Gashleigh, who plays on the guitar, and Emily, who limps a little, but plays sweetly on the concertina. They live close by—trust them for that. Your mother-in-law is always within hearing, thank our stars for the attention of the dear women. The Gashleighs, I say, live close by, and came early on the morning after Rosa's notes had been issued for the dinner. ”

“ Gashleigh thought, whose rich uncle had purchased it for the young couple, at Spode and Copeland's; but it was only for twelve persons.
It was agreed that it would be, in all respects, cheaper and better to purchase a dozen more dessert-plates; and with “my silver basket in the centre,” Mrs. G. said (she is always bragging about that confounded bread-basket) , “we need not have any extra china dishes, and the table will look very pretty.” ”

“ John Rowdy to her husband, on receiving the pink note. It was carried round by that rogue of a buttony page in the evening; and he walked to Brobdingnag Gardens, and in the Park afterwards, with a young lady who is kitchen-maid at 27, and who is not more than fourteen years older than little Buttons.
“These people are ruining themselves,” said Mrs. John to her husband. “Rosa says she has asked the Bungays.”
“Bungays indeed! Timmins was always a tuft-hunter,” said Rowdy, who had been at college with the barrister, and who, for his own part, has no more objection to a lord than you or I have ”

“ But to people in OUR position in SOCIETY they will be glad enough to come. The city people are glad to mix with the old families.”
“Very good,” says Fitz, with a sad face of assent—and Mrs. Timmins went on reading her list.
“Mr. and Mrs. Topham Sawyer, Belgravine Place.”
“Mrs. Sawyer hasn't asked you all the season. She gives herself the airs of an empress; and when—”
“One's Member, you know, my dear, one must have,” Rosa replied, with much dignity as if the presence of the representative of her native place would be a protection to her dinner. ”

“ It was not poetry, though, that she was writing, and Fitz read as follows:—
“LILLIPUT STREET, Tuesday, 22nd May.
“Mr. and Mr. Fitzroy Tymmyns request the pleasure of Sir Thomas and Lady Kicklebury's company at dinner on Wednesday, at 7 1/2 o'clock.”
“My dear!” exclaimed the barrister, pulling a long face.
“Law, Fitzroy!” cried the beloved of his bosom, “how you do startle one!”
“Give a dinner-party with our means!” said he.
“Ain't you making a fortune, you miser?” Rosa said. “Fifteen guineas a day is four thousand five hundred a year; I've calculated it.” ”

“ Buttons! Rosa my dear!” and the most fearful execrations up and down the stairs, Mr. Truncheon came out on him.
“Egscuse me, sir,” says he, “but it's impawsable. We can't dine twenty at that table—not if you set 'em out awinder, we can't.”
“What's to be done?” asked Fitzroy, in an agony; “they've all said they'd come.”
“Can't do it,” said the other; “with two top and bottom—and your table is as narrow as a bench—we can't hold more than heighteen, and then each person's helbows will be into his neighbor's cheer.”
“Rosa! Mrs. Gashleigh!” ”

“ Her child lay on the sofa asleep before her; and she began in her neatest hand—
“LINES “ON MY SON BUNGAY DE BRACY GASHLEIGH TYMMYNS, AGED TEN MONTHS. “Tuesday. “How beautiful! how beautiful thou seemest, My boy, my precious one, my rosy babe! Kind angels hover round thee, as thou dreamest: Soft lashes hide thy beauteous azure eye which gleamest.”
“Gleamest? thine eye which gleamest? Is that grammar?” thought Rosa, who had puzzled her little brains for some time with this absurd question, when the baby woke. Then the cook came up to ask about dinner ”

“ Rosa continued, “eats a great deal, and is very stupid, but he looks well at table with his star and ribbon. Let us put HIM down!” and she noted down “Sir Thomas and Lady Gulpin, 2. Lord Castlemouldy, 1.”
“You will make your party abominably genteel and stupid,” groaned Timmins. “Why don't you ask some of our old friends? Old Mrs. Portman has asked us twenty times, I am sure, within the last two years.”
“And the last time we went there, there was pea-soup for dinner!” Mrs. Timmins said, with a look of ineffable scorn.
“Nobody can have been kinder than the Hodges have always been to us ”

“ Timmins to make further arrangements respecting the invitations to the tea-party which was to follow the more substantial meal.
These arrangements are difficult, as any lady knows who is in the habit of entertaining her friends. There are—
People who are offended if you ask them to tea whilst others have been asked to dinner;
People who are offended if you ask them to tea at all ”

“ People never do: they never see holes in their neighbors' coats—they are too indolent, simple, and charitable.
Some things, however, one could not help remarking: for instance, though Fitz is my closest friend, yet could I avoid seeing and being amused by his perplexity and his dismal efforts to be facetious? ”

“ Truncheon passed our names to Mr. Billiter, who bawled them out on the stairs. Rosa was smiling in a pink dress, and looking as fresh as an angel, and received her company with that grace which has always characterized her.
The moment of the dinner arrived, old Lady Bungay scuffled off on the arm of Fitzroy, while the rear was brought up by Rosa and Lord Castlemouldy, of Ballyshanvanvoght Castle, co, Tipperary. Some fellows who had the luck took down ladies to dinner. I was not sorry to be out of the way of Mrs. Rowdy, with her dandified airs, or of that high and mighty county princess, Mrs. ”

“ Everybody— (I mean of the genteel world of course, of which I make no doubt the reader is a polite ornament) —Everybody has the same everything in London. You see the same coats, the same dinners, the same boiled fowls and mutton, the same cutlets, fish, and cucumbers, the same lumps of Wenham Lake ice, &c. ”

“ The waiters with white neck-cloths are as like each other everywhere as the peas which they hand round with the ducks of the second course. Can't any one invent anything new?
The only difference between Timmins's dinner and his neighbor's was, that he had hired, as we have said, the greater part of the plate, and that his cowardly conscience magnified faults and disasters of which no one else probably took heed.
But Rosa thought, from the supercilious air with which Mrs. ”

“ Or to one of them, rather: for before leaving the house, he thought he would have a look at little Fitzroy up stairs in the nursery, and he found the child in the hands of his maternal aunt Eliza, who was holding him and pinching him as if he had been her guitar, I suppose ”