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“ Punch is nothing if not typical of his fellow countrymen in his interest in sport. If there be any truth in the assertion that Englishmen are neglecting the more serious affairs of life in their devotion to all forms of athletic sports, Mr. Punch would seem to be determined that there shall be no lack of humour in the process; for an immense proportion of his merry pages have been occupied with the humour of sport. ”

“ Though a neatly-made backhander may arouse a rival's dander,
⁠You'll remember when you try it that it's very often missed.
Though your play thrown in the shade is by the prowess of the ladies,
⁠You must take your beating kindly with a smile upon your face;
And 'twill often be the duty of some tennis-playing beauty
⁠To console you by remarking that defeat is not disgrace.
For you doubtless find flirtation at this pleasant occupation
⁠Is as easy as at croquet ”

“ Meantime, I must say that the substitution of a light large ball of silk, or some other soft material for the deadly "boule de canon" as used by your countrymen, has been decided upon as absolutely necessary to deprive the game of barbarism, and harmonise it with the instincts which Modern and
EATIN' v. HARROW
Republican France associates with the pursuit of a harmless pastime. Les wickettes, as being too small for the Bowlsman to reach them, should be raised to six feet high, and the Umpire, a grave anomaly in a game cherished by a liberty-loving people, should be instantly suppressed. ”

“ To witness the savage rush of your professional kicksmen was terrifying, and when, in displaying "le scrimmage, they scattered, with the kicks of their legs, my fainting compatriots, who fell lamed and wounded in all directions, I said to myself, this "Foote-Balle" is not a pastime, it is an encounter of wild beasts, "un vrai carnage" fit to be played, not by civilised sporting gentlemen, but by cannibals. ”

“ Ah! old men, that's not right, is it? How would we great machines of bone, muscle, and nerve-centre (ah! those nerve-centres, what tricky things they are!) , how would we be for the next match if we were treated like that? Pretty stiff and stale, eh, old booties?
Now, look here, when we come in after a hard, slogging game, our bodies and the grey matter in our brains thoroughly exhausted, immediately we've had our bath, our rub-down, and our cup of steaming hot Hercubos (I find Hercubos the finest thing to keep fit on during a hard season) we must turn our attention to you, booties. ”

“ Why come and spoil cricket's last pages,
Our wickets—and our averages?
LORD'S IN DANGER. THE M. C. C. GO OUT TO MEET THE ENEMY
["Sir Edward Watkin proposes to construct a railway passing through Lord's Cricket Ground."]
Our Opening Match.—"I say, Bill, you've got that pad on the wrong leg." "Yus, I know. I thought as I were goin' in t' other end!"
"Cricketing Intelligence."—Sporting Old Parson (to professional player) . "Why is a ball like that called a 'yorker,' sir?"⁠Professional player. "A 'yorker,' sir? Oh, when the ball's pitched right up to the block——"⁠Sporting Parson. ”

“ But let me explain that it is not the kick to which I object, for is not le coup de pied the national defence of France? Indeed, in your own fist contest in "Le Boxe-Match," is not to deliver a kick in the jaw of your antagonist considered a meritorious coup, showing great skill in the boxeman? And do not our own garçons de college kick a confrère when he is "down," and point to the circumstance with a legitimate pride and satisfaction? ”

“ LAWN-TENNIS COSTUME
(Designed by Mr. Punch.)
ADVICE TO YOUNG CROQUET-PLAYERS
1. Always take your own mallet to a garden party. This will impress everyone with the idea that you are a fine player. Or an alternative plan is to play with one provided by your host, and then throughout the game to attribute every bad stroke to the fact that you have not your own implement with you.
2. Use as many technical terms as you can, eking them out with a few borrowed from golf. Thus it will always impress your partner if you say that you are "stimied," especially as she won't know what it means. ”

“ Life's a ball, which Summer thumps,
⁠Winter kicks.
Our "terrestrial ball" is round,
⁠ (Is it an idea chimerical?)
Man, by hidden instincts bound,
⁠Loves the spherical.
In rotund, elastic bounders,
⁠Plainly the great joy of men is,
Witness cricket, billiards, rounders,
⁠And lawn-tennis.
Classic Title for Dr. Grace.—"The Centurion."
He. "You're fond of cricket, then?"
She. "Oh, I'm passionately devoted to it!"
He. "What part of a match do you enjoy the most?" ”

“ For cricket, as long as the sport shall endure,
⁠Must be in its nature a mere game of chance,
" 'Tis all pitch and toss"; one can show it is so;—
⁠'T isn't science or strength rules its losses or winnings.
Half depends on the "pitch"—of the wickets, you know,
⁠The rest on the "toss"—for first innings.
Bowler (his sixth appeal for an obvious leg-before) . " 'Ow's that?"
Umpire (drawing out watch) . "Well he's been in ten minutes now—Hout!"
Our Village Cricket Club.—Tom Huggins, of the local fire brigade, umpires for the visiting team in an emergency. ”

“ In a game of croquet there is always one on each side who gives advice, and one who receives (and disregards) it. All the lookers-on naturally regard the former as the finer player, therefore begin giving advice on your partner's first stroke. If she happens to be a good player this may annoy her, but that is no consequence. ”

“ But most of all are we indebted to you for sending over a 'ome team of your brave professionals to play the match against our Parisian "onze," for you rightly conjectured that by our experience of the formidable game in action, we should be able to judge of its risks and dangers, and after mature investigation be able, so to revise and ameliorate the manner of its playing as to bring it into harmony with the taste and feeling of the athletic ambition of the rising generation of our young France. ”

“ Will the umpire be as truthful when it's "petticoat before"?
So lay down "the willow," batsmen, and, oh, bowler, leave the wicket,
Ye must yield once more to Woman, for the Ladies now play Cricket!
At the 'Varsity Cricket Match. Newcomer (to Gent in front) . If you would kindly move your head an eighth of an inch, I think that by standing on tip-toe I might be able, between the box-seat and body of that carriage, to ascertain the colour of long leg's cap.
Pudding it Plainly. Why is a promising cricketer like flour and eggs? ”

“ The most remarkable instance of a hybrid animal is the cricket-bat.
The Real "Triple Alliance." A three-figure innings at cricket.
Uninvited.—We had bowled out their best men, and should have won the match, but somebody came on the ground with a confounded hyæna-coloured bull-terrier, who ran after the ball, and wouldn't give it up.
"Boots and Chambermaid."—Robin (the morning after the cricket supper) . "What does this 'B' and 'C' mean, Dick?" Richard (with a headache) . "O, brandy an' soda, of course. Ring 'em both, there's a good fellow!" ”

“ But a carefully-nurtured reputation may be destroyed at once if you confuse "roquet" with "croquet," so be very careful that you get these words right.
3. Aim for at least three minutes before striking the ball, and appear overcome with amazement when you miss. If you have done so many times in succession, it may be well to remark on the unevenness of the ground. If you hit a ball by mistake always pretend that you aimed at it. ”

“ Punch's wittiest sayings on a variety of games and pastimes. Cricket might of itself have furnished forth a volume, Football, and Racing also; but we have sought after variety rather than repletion, and to this end even the passing craze for Ping-pong has not been ignored, as it is not the least of the merits of the Punch Library of Humour that within these volumes is enshrined a comic chronicle of the passing time.
MR. PUNCH'S BOOK
OF SPORTS
The British "Sphere of Influence."—The cricket ball. ”

“ The growing favour with which athletic exercises are being regarded by those who are still 'the gentler sex,' is evidenced by the rapid adoption of cricket into the roll of those games which may be practised by ladies without the sober world being shocked. ”

“ A Match has taken place, as you will see by "Le Score" subjoined, which I enclose for your inspection. It was not without its fruits. It disclosed to us, as you will remark by referring to "Le Score," very practically the dangerous, and I must add, the murderous capabilities that "Le Cricquette" manifestly possesses. Our Revising Committee has already the matter in hand, and when their report is fully drawn up, I shall have much satisfaction in forwarding it to you. ”

“ The Ladies came out as they had gone in, all "Ducks."
And what did the Gentlemen make?—Love.
THE LADY CRICKETER
(Directions for attaining Perfection.)
Get up a match by saying to some local subaltern that it would be such fun to have a game, and you know a girl who could give points to Grace.
Agree with the youthful warrior that the fun would be increased by allowing the men to play with broom-sticks, and left-handed, and the girls, of course, with bats, and unrestricted.
Arrange your eleven in such a fashion that you come out as captain in the most picturesque costume. ”

“ For both money make and salaries take
⁠For supporting the ball with their toes.
Nemesis.—Inquisitive Old Gentleman. "Who's won?"⁠First Football Player. "We've lost!"⁠Inquisitive Old Gentleman. "What have you got in that bag?"⁠Second Football Player. "The umpire!"
How the goal-keeper appears to the opposing forward, who is about to shoot.
And how the goal-keeper feels when the opposing forward is about to shoot.
ETON FOOTBALL
(Special Report by Dumb-Crambo Junior.) ”

“ Much may be done by giving your ball a gentle kick when the backs of the other players happen to be turned. Many an apparently hopeless game has been saved by this method. Leave your conscience behind when you come to a croquet-party.
Sweet Name for Young Ladies playing Croquet.—Hammerdryads. ”

“ Obtain the most experienced trainer in the market, and confide your colt to his care. But, at the same time, let him have the advantage of your personal encouragement and the opinion of those of your sporting friends upon whose judgment you can place reliance. ”

“ Dull Person is left thinking.
A Hundred Up
Tommy (reading daily paper) . What's a centenarian, Bill?
Bill (promptly) . A cricketer, of course, who makes a hundred runs.
Tommy. You don't say so. I thought he was called a centurion.
A well-known cricketer was expecting an interesting family event. Suddenly the nurse rushed into his smoking-room. "Well, nurse?" he said, "what is it?" "Two fine byes," announced the nurse.
CRICKET HITS
By Dumb-Crambo, off his own bat.
To be seen for Nothing.—The play of the features.
Motto for British Cricketers.—Strike only at the ball! ”

“ Eligible Bachelor. "Shall I follow you up, Annie; or leave myself for Lizzie?"
[According to Country Life, Croquet, which was revived last summer, is likely to increase in popularity this year. A splendid opportunity to revive the pastime and the costumes of the early sixties at the same time.]
THE WOOING
[The sporting instinct is now so keen among girls that a man who gallantly moderates his hitting in mixed hockey is merely regarded as an incapable slacker by his fair opponents.] ”

“ They, too, must have a good rubbing of Porpo and a rest if they need it.
Ah! and won't you repay our trouble, booties, when next we slip you on? How tightly you will clasp us just above the tubercles of our tibiæ, how firmly you will grip our pliant toes, how you will help us to send the ball swishing low and swift—into the well-tarred net!
Good-night, booties.
THE "Ball of the Season."—Foot-ball.
Appropriate Football Fixture for the Fifth of November.—A match against Guy's. '
"The Shinner Quartette;" ”

“ That Foot-ball!
ETON FOOTBALL
(By Dumb-Crambo Junior.)
The seventh ends the mournful line,
Poor Stephen with his fractured spine,
A debt owe these good sons of mine,
That Foot-ball!
And as we pass the street-boys cry,
"Look at them cripples!" I but sigh,
"You're right, my friends. But would you fly
A lot like ours; oh, do not try
That Foot-ball!"
ANIMAL SPIRITS
Football. "The Zambesi Scorchers."
FOOT-BALL A LA MODE
[Hardly a week passes without our hearing of one or more dangerous accidents at football.] ”

“ When throwing in from the country, aim half-way up the pitch; you may then hit one of the wickets—which one I don't know.
Postscript.
The spirit in which the game should be played is best shown by the following extract from the Leicester Daily Mercury:—
Barrow Ladies v. Thrussington Ladies.
"Barrow went in first, but were dismissed for sixteen. Only three Thrussington ladies batted, owing to the Barrow team refusing to field, because the umpire gave Miss Reid in for an appeal for run out."
What is the companion game to Parlour Croquet? Cricket on the Hearth. ”

“ Explanation. Crow. K. (Croquet.)
A SKETCH AT LORD'S
Eva (for the benefit of Maud, who is not so well-informed) .—and those upright sticks you see are the wickets. Harrow's in at one end, and Eton's in at the other, you know!"
Lucy Mildmay (who is fond of technical terms) . "By the way—a—are they playing ' Rugby ' or ' Association ' ?"
"OUT! FIRST BALL! A CATCH!!"
A PLAYER who sprained his wrist at lawn-tennis explained that "he had been trying a regular wrenchaw, and did it effectually."
Bowler. "How's that?"⁠Umpire. "Wasn't looking. But if 'e does it again 'e's out!" ”