Isaac Bickerstaff

“ Isaac, this to you looks wonderful, but not at all to us higher beings: that nobleman has as many good qualities as any man of his order, and seems to have no faults but what, as I may say, are excrescences from virtues. He is generous to a prodigality, more affable than is consistent with his quality, and courageous to a rashness. Yet, after all this, the source of his whole conduct is, though he would hate himself if he knew it, mere avarice. The ready cash laid before the gamester's counters makes him venture, as you see, and lay distinction against infamy, abundance against want ”

“ But it is the talent of our age and nation, to turn things of the greatest importance into ridicule. When the end of the year had verified all my predictions, out comes Mr. Partridge's almanack, disputing the point of his death; so that I am employed, like the general who was forced to kill his enemies twice over, whom a necromancer had raised to life. If Mr. Partridge has practised the same experiment upon himself, and be again alive, long may he continue so ”

“ Little P. Yet, sir, for an instant hear me—pity me—ah too sure I know (to Old Pickle) I am not your child—or would that distress which now draws tears of pity from a stranger, fail to move nature in you.
Miss P. Comfort yourself, we must ever consider you with compassion and regard—but now you must begone—Margaret is waiting without to receive you.
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SONG—Little Pickle. ”

“ Sus. No, sir, we know our young master too well for all that; why he’s as like your honour as one pea is like another.
John. Ay, heaven bless him, and may he shortly succeed your honour in your estate and fortune. ”

“ Sister have patience—hear——
Miss P. I am ashamed to see you support your boy in such insolence—I, indeed! who am scrupulous to a fault; but no longer will I remain subject to such impertinence, I quit your house, sir, and you shall quit all claim to my fortune—this moment will I alter my will, and leave my money to a stranger, sooner than to your family. ”

“ Oh, sir, how do you do, sir, I was just coming to——
Pick. Come, come, no fooling now—how dare you look me in the face after the mischief you have done?
Little P. What—what have I done?
Pick. You know the value I set upon that mare, you have spoilt for ever.
Little P. But, sir, hear me—indeed I was not so much to blame, sir, not so very much.
Miss P. Do not aggravate your faults by pretending to excuse them—your father is too kind to you. ”

“ Miss P. How will you justify the report you spread, of my being locked up in my closet with Mr. Tagg, the author—can you defend so vile an attempt to injure my reputation?
Pick. What, that too, I suppose, was from your care of her character—and so to hinder your aunt from being an old maid, you locked her up in her closet with this author, as he is called.
Little P. Nay, indeed, dear madam, I beseech you—’twas no such thing, all I said was, you were amusing yourself in your closet with a favourite author.
Miss P. I amuse myself in my closet with a favourite author! worse and worse. ”

“ Sure never man was so tormented—well, I thought when my poor dear wife, Mrs. Pickle died, and left me a disconsolate widower, I stood some chance of being a happy man, but I know not how it is, I could bear the vexation of my wife’s bad temper better than this woman’s. ”

“ Maria!—sister!—stop an instant.
Maria. My brother!—Charles—impossible.
Little P. ’Tis e’en so, and faith ’twas all a trick about the nurse and child; I coax’d the old woman to confess the whole to me—you can’t contrive to kill yourself for the loss of me, can you?—that would have a fine effect—is there nothing I can think of?—Suppose you pretend to fall in love with me, and we run away together.—
Maria. That will do admirably—depend upon my playing my part with a good will, for I owe some revenge for their treatment of you, besides, you know I can refuse you nothing. ”

“ Go Tommy, do as you are bid, there’s a good boy—thank his honour for his goodness to you.
Little P. Be you the old fellow that’s just come to be my father?
Pick. (aside) Old fellow! he’s devilish dashed to be sure—yes, I am the old fellow, as you call it—will you be a good boy? ”

“ Oh, a plague on my plots—I’ve lost my daughter, and for ought I know, my son too—why child, he’s a poor beggar, he’s not worth a sixpence.
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Maria. My soul abhors so low a thought—I despise wealth—know, sir, I cherish nobler sentiments.
The generous youth shall own,
I love him for himself alone.
Old P. What, poetry too—nay then, it is time to prevent further mischief—go to your room—a good key shall assure your safety, and this young rascal shall go back to sea, and his yeo, yeo, yeo, if he will.
Maria. (going) I obey your harsh commands, sir, and am gone—but, alas! ”

“ Pick. Why, what can it be what the devil ails her?
John. Why, sir, the long and the short of the whole affair, is as how—he’s cut me too all across the face—mercy I did not lose my eyes.
Pick. This cursed fellow will drive me mad—the mare, you scoundrel, the mare.
John. Yes, sir, the mare—then too, my shins—master Salve, the surgeon, says I must ’noint ’em wi’——
Pick. Plague on your shins—you dog—what is the matter with the mare? ”

“ Pick. Her money to a stranger, leave her money to a stranger! Oh! the three per-cent. consols—oh, the India stock—go, child—fly, throw yourself at your aunt’s feet—say any thing to please her—I shall run distracted.—Oh! those consols——
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Little P. I am gone, sir—shall I say she may die as soon as she pleases, but she must not give her money to a stranger.
Pick. Aye, aye, there’s a good boy, say any thing to please her, that will do very well—say she may die as soon as she pleases, but she must not leave her money to a stranger. ”

“ Sister, this is the first pheasant we have had this season, it looks well—shall I help you—they say anger makes a man dry, but mine has made me hungry—come, here’s a wing for you, and some of the breast.
Enter Susan, (a Cook Maid) in haste.
Sus. Oh, dear sir—oh, dear madam—my young master—the parrot, ma’am—oh dear!
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Pick. Parrot, and your young master; what the deuce does the girl mean?
Miss P. Mean! Why as sure as I live that vile boy has been hurting my poor bird.
Sus. Hurting, ma’am—no indeed, ma’am ”

“ Very well, sir, then I am gone.
Pick. But sister, stop—was ever man so used—how long is this scheme of yours to last? how long am I to be deprived of him?
Miss P. How long! why until he is brought duly to reflect upon his bad behaviour, which nothing will induce him to do, so soon as thinking himself [17] no longer your son, but the child of poor parents—I yesterday spoke to Margaret, his old nurse, and she fully comprehends the whole affair. ”

“ Well, I’ll send for him home now without delay. (reads) “Honoured sir, I heartily repent of having so far abused your goodness, whilst I was blest with your protection, but as I fear no penitence will ever restore me to your favour, I have resolved to put it out of my power again to offend you, by instantly bidding adieu to my country for ever.” Here, John, run, go directly to Margery’s and fetch home my son, and——
Little P. (interrupting him) You may save yourself the trouble, ’tis too late, you’ll never bring him too now, make as many signals, or fire as many guns as you please. ”

“ Pick. Your most obedient humble servant, madam—well said fifty, egad—sir, your most obsequious, Mr. Alexander, Mr. Romeo—John—William—Thomas, (calling the servants) you shan’t want attendants mighty prince, but mayhap you had rather sleep in a castle, great hero, we have a convenient goal close by—where you’ll be very safe, most illustrious chief.
Miss P. Heavens! a Jail! poor dear Mr. Tagg, a victim to his love for me—oh, let us implore his forgiveness—intreat him to release you. (to Tagg.) ”

“ I’ll tell you the whole truth—I was not to blame, indeed I wasn’t, ma’am, besides, I am morally certain ’twas the strange cat that kill’d it this morning.
Miss P. How! kill’d it say you;—but go on, let us hear the whole. ”

“ Little P. Thank you a thousand times, my dearest Maria, thus then we’ll contrive it. (seeing Pickle coming behind, they pretend to whisper.)
Old P. What! how’s this!—“Dear Maria, and I’ll refuse you nothing.”—Death and the devil, my daughter has fallen in love with that young scoundrel and his yeo, yeo, yeo—she too, she embraces him— (comes forward) —mighty well, young madam—’tis mighty well, but come, you shall be locked up immediately, and you, you young rascal, be whipt out of the house. ”

“ Little P. There they go, ha! ha! ha! my scheme has gone on rarely, rather better than theirs, I think.—Blessing on the old nurse for consenting to [25] it—I’ll teach ’em to turn people out of doors—let me see, what trick shall I play ’em now—suppose I set the house on fire—no—no—’tis too soon for that as yet—that will do very well bye and bye—let me consider—I wish I could see my sister, I’ll discover myself to her, and then we might contrive something together nicely—that staircase leads to her room, I’ll try and call her (goes to the door and listens) there’s nobody in the way!—Hist! ”

“ For my own part, tho' I believe no man has less faith in these matters, yet I shall wait with some impatience, and not without some expectation, the fulfilling of Mr. Bickerstaff's second prediction, that the Cardinal de Noailles is to die upon the fourth of April, and if that should be verified as exactly as this of poor Partridge, I must own I should be wholly surprized, and at a loss, and should infallibly expect the accomplishment of all the rest. ”

“ He went on to apologise for the trifling character of his first prediction, which was the death of John Partridge the almanac-maker. ‘I have consulted the star of his nativity by my own rule, and find he will infallibly die upon 29 March next, about 11 at night, of a raging fever.’ An equal particularity characterised the subsequent predictions, to which, said Swift, ‘I have set my name at length to be a name of infamy to mankind, if they find I deceive them.’ The name of Bickerstaff had caught Swift's eye over a locksmith's house in Longacre (Swift, Works, 1762, i. 105) . ”

“ A colored servitor will always shirk all the work he can. Thus two of the soldiers, a German named Jacob Spatz—Dutch Jake, was his camp name—and one Irishman, Cornelius Donohoe—Corney for short—were always available for services at meal-time, and the two boys—the Percys—collected the wood for the firing. By this arrangement Isaac had little to do but the cooking, which he performed to the entire satisfaction of the party.
Even the rough old hunter—Glyndon—a gaunt, grizzly man of fifty years of age, bestowed his meed of praise upon him. ”

“ Bickerstaff can do no less in honour, than give Mr. Partridge the same advantage of calculating his, by sending him an account of the time and place of his birth, with other particulars necessary for such a work. By which, no doubt, the learned world will be engaged in the dispute, and take part on each side according as they are inclined....”
“The Accomplishment of the first of Mr. Bickerstaff’s Predictions, being an Account of the Death of Mr. Partridge, 294 the Almanack-Maker, upon the 29th instant in a Letter to a Person of Honour, written in the year 1708,” continues the jocularity. ”

“ Then Abimelech went to him from Gerar, and Ahuzzath one of his friends, and Phichol the chief captain of his army. And Isaac said unto them, Wherefore come ye to me, seeing ye hate me, and have sent me away from you? And they said, We saw certainly that the Lord was with thee: and we said, Let there be now an oath betwixt us, even betwixt us and thee, and let us make a covenant with thee; that thou wilt do us no hurt, as we have not touched thee, and as we have done unto thee nothing but good, and have sent thee away in peace: thou art now the blessed of the Lord. ”

“ Bickerstaff himself is a gentleman and a scholar, a humourist, and a man of the world; with a great deal of nice easy naïveté about him. If he walks out and is caught in a shower of rain, he makes amends for this unlucky accident by a criticism on the shower in Virgil, and concludes with a burlesque copy of verses on a city-shower. ”

“ I felt a sort of devotion to him that I had never felt for any man in my life before. I would rather have gone with him to Keitung, for a presentiment told me there was trouble in the wind. He had not talked to me about the Baithopoor intrigue, for everything was as much settled beforehand as it was possible to settle anything. There was nothing to be said, for all that was to come was action; but I knew Isaacs distrusted the maharajah, and that without Ram Lal's assistance—of whatever nature that might prove to be—he would not have ventured to go alone to such a tryst. ”

“ Isaac answered: I have appointed him thy lord, and have made all his brethren his servants: I have established him with corn and wine, and after this, what shall I do more for thee, my son?
27:38. And Esau said to him: Hast thou only one blessing, father? I beseech thee bless me also. And when he wept with a loud cry,
27:39. Isaac being moved, said to him: In the fat of the earth, and in the dew of heaven from above,
27:40. Shall thy blessing be. Thou shalt live by the sword, and shalt serve thy brother: and the time shall come, when thou shalt shake off and loose his yoke from thy neck. ”