John Berry

“ Turn about’s fair play the world over. You tried to shut me out of Crumplesea, and now I’m shutting you in—in your own veranda.”
“What do you want of me, that you have had the impudence to come here and to play me such a trick as you have done?” asked Berry, with cool scorn. “No! don’t come any nearer; keep your distance, please; you are quite too close for comfort as it is.” ”

“ On the Sabbath-day Jesus lay cold in death in the borrowed tomb while the sad and disconsolate disciples mourned the death of the Prince of Israel, their Savior. But on Sunday morning Christ arose triumphant (John 20:1) and in memory of it Christians began early to observe Sunday as a day of worship."
"Mary, you were just about to be entangled with a yoke of bondage, a yoke of man's making," said Robert. "This Sabbath doctrine of the Adventists is utterly man-made. ”

“ She took a risk and got away with it."
"I feel dazed," said Daphne, putting a hand to her head. "There must be some mistake. I can't believe——"
"'A thoroughly nice-feeling woman,'" said Berry. "I think I should feel nice if I could make five pounds in two hours by sitting on the edge of a chair and saying I was a clergyman's daughter. And now what are we going to do? Shall we be funny and inform the police? Or try and stop Camille at Amiens?"
"Now, don't you start," said his wife, "because I can't bear it. Jonah, for goodness' sake, get hold of the car, and let's go."
"Yes," said Berry. ”

“ And I have read where Solomon said that 'there is no man that sinneth not,' and did not John say, 'If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us'? Yes, he said that in 1 John 1:8. Ah, young man, you have much to learn yet about the Scriptures. As long as we are in this old sinful flesh we will commit sin. ”

“ Anybody can have my shirt at any time." Languidly he regarded his cuff. "No. Not this one, but almost any other. My life has been one long unrecognized sacrifice. And what is my reward?" He looked round about him with pitying eyes. "Poor bloated worms, you little know the angel that labours in your midst." His own being finished, with a sigh he took his wife's newly-lighted cigarette from the ashtray which they were sharing. "I had a dream last night," he added comfortably.
"What about?" said Jill.
"I dreamed," said Berry, "that I was a pint of of unusually broad beans. ”

“ John Cosin, was born in Norwich, in 1594, he studied in Caius College, Cambridge; he was promoted to several church preferments, which, at the commencement of the civil wars, he was deprived of, being the first clergyman who suffered that species of punishment for his loyalty. ”

“ As I spoke, the Rolls stole up alongside. We climbed in, Jill and I sitting behind for a change. With a foot on the step, Daphne looked at her husband.
"Did you get very hot?" she said.
"I did," said Berry. "Every pore in my body has been in action. I always think it's so nice to start a day like that."
"How would you like to break stones," said I, "for seventy-nine years?"
Jonah let in the clutch.
"I perceive," said Berry, "that you are under the influence of drink. At the present moment I am more interested in the breaking of backs. Have you ever jacked up a car?" ”

“ If you believe them, that is proof that you have faith. You look at the almanac and find it says that tomorrow there will be an eclipse. If you prepare to look at the sun through smoked glass, it is proof that you have faith. If you receive a letter stating that your uncle John died and feel sad at the thought of his leaving his family in destitute circumstances, it is proof that you have faith. If someone in your place of business brings you a report that fire has destroyed your warehouse and you feel at once the loss, it is proof that you have faith. ”

“ I concluded, "may be done with forty pounds."
"Fifty," corrected Berry. "And now let's change the subject. How d'you pronounce Lwow? Or would you rather tell me a fairy tale?"
I shook my head.
"My power," I said, "of concentration is limited."
"Then I must," said Berry. "It's fatal to brood over your fortune." He sat back in his chair and let the smoke make its own way out of his mouth. "There was once a large king. It wasn't his fault. The girth went with the crown. All the Koppabottemburgs were enormous. ”

“ I sent him a note to warn him yesterday."
"What did you say?" demanded her husband.
"I said, 'We're back at last, and—don't faint—we're all coming to Church to-morrow, and you've got to come back to lunch.' And now, for goodness' sake, go and change."
"But we shall perspire," said Berry. "Profusely. To walk half a mile in this sun is simply asking for it. Besides——"
"What's the car done?" said Jonah. "I'm going, and I can't hurry with this." He tapped his short leg affectionately. "We needn't take Fitch. Boy or I can drive." ”

“ I have had two of these experiences, and as people should always learn by their failures, have turned them to practical account as lessons for the future. The first was the attempted execution of John Lee, which resulted in the Home Office making an investigation into the arrangements for executions in the different gaols, and eventually to their issuing an official plan for the drop, which has been used in all prisons where scaffolds have since been erected. ”

“ But I waited before taking up her reference, on the off-chance of this one being a marvel. Where is the wretched man?"
"Jonah fetched up with him. He's stayed behind because of the Customs. They ought to be here any minute."
"Well, there's no place for him to sleep here," said Daphne. "Fitch will have to look after him for tonight, and to-morrow he'll have to go back."
Berry looked at his watch.
"Five past seven," he said. "As the blighter's here, why not let him sub-edit the dinner to-night? It'll shorten his life, but it may save ours. You never know." ”

“ For a wonder we were all on time, and it was barely eleven o'clock when Jonah let in the clutch and the Rolls began to move. Daphne sat in front, and Jill between Berry and me on the back seat. The girls wore dust-cloaks to save their finery, and two large bandboxes concealed their respective hats. Berry, Jonah and I wore light overcoats above our morning-dress, and three tall hats, ironed to perfection, each in his stiff white hat-box, jostled one another on the mat at our feet. ”

“ Then—
"He'll never do it," she said. "I can suggest it, but, if he's anything of a cook, he'll go off the deep end at once."
"And give notice," said I. "Well, that's exactly what we want. Then we shan't have to fire him. He can just push off quietly to-morrow, Pauline will roll up on Monday, and everything will be lovely in the garden."
"That's it," said Berry. "If he consents, well and good. If he declines, so much the better. It's a blinkin' certainty. Whichever happens, we can't lose."
"All right," said Daphne. "I shall make Jonah tell him." ”

“ The gate was open, and I let in the clutch with a bang. With a startled grunt, Mr. Dunkelsbaum was projected violently on to the seat he had left. As I slowed up for Berry to rejoin us, "But I may have to go rather fast," I added.
"Like der devil," was the reply.
The going was good, and the road was unfrequented, so I let the car out. We tore down an avenue of firs, great rugged banks of rhododendrons sprawling on either side, scudded into a beechwood—pillars all silver-grey, set in a ruffled mass of whispering green, swam through a sea of bracken, rippling and feathery. ”

“ Adèle shook her head.
"I think you must have," said Jonah. "Some people call it the British Nation. It's been going for years."
"That's right," said I. "And its motto is 'Charity begins at Home.' There's really nothing more to be said."
"I could cry," announced Jill, in a voice that fully confirmed her statement. "It's just piteous. What would poor Derry say? Can't anything be done?"
Berry shrugged his shoulders.
"If half what I've heard is true, Merry Down is as good as gone. The fellow means to have it, and he's rich enough to buy the county itself. ”

“ A moment later, and I had drawn the panel out of its standing and clear of the chest.
My hands were trembling as I thrust them into the dusty hiding-place.
"Hullo! Aren't you going to dress?" said Jonah some two minutes later.
But I was still staring at a heavy riding-whip whose handle was wrought about with gold.
CHAPTER III
HOW A MAN MAY FOLLOW HIS OWN HAT, AND BERRY TOOK A LAMP IN HIS HAND.
"What are you doing this morning?" ”

“ Before Daphne could reply—
"How d'you spell 'business'?" said Jill, looking up from a letter.
"Personally," said I, "I don't. It's one of the words I avoid. If you must, I should write it down both ways and see what it looks like."
The telephone bell began to ring.
"Wrong number, for a fiver," said Jonah. "They always do it about this time."
Berry crossed the room and picked up the receiver. We listened expectantly.
"Have I got a taxi! My dear fellow, I've got a whole school of them. Would you like a Renault or a baby grand? What? ”

“ Jill and I got them apart, as I told you. He got very red in the face, but beyond muttering with his teeth clenched, he never said a word."
"Must have gone straight home and got it off his chest," said Jonah. "I expect he's awfully proud of that letter, if the truth were known."
"Well, don't let's dwell on it," said Berry, regarding the oysters which had been set before him. "After dinner will do. You hardly ever go down with typhoid within six hours." He turned to Adèle. "Bet you I've got more strepsicocci than you have," he added pleasantly.
"Shut up," said Daphne. ”

“ Berry turned to Adèle.
"You see?" he said. "Two putrid minds with but a single snort. But there you are. Don't dwell on it. Pass the marmalade instead." He turned to his wife. "And what's the programme for to-day? The glass has gone up, it's already raining, 'all's right with the world.' Anybody like to play ping-pong?"
"Fool," said his wife. "As a matter of fact, I don't think it would be a bad idea if we went over to Broken Ash for tea." Berry made a grimace, and Jill and I groaned. Even Jonah looked down his nose at the suggestion. ”

“ We were in the midst of a pleasant beechwood, and I pulled in to the side of the road with a grunt. "If it had to be, it might have happened in a less pleasing locality."
"I gather," said Berry's voice, "I gather that something untoward has befallen the automobile. Should I be wrong, correct me and explain the stoppage."
"With that singular clarity of intellect which never fails to recognize the obvious, you have correctly diagnosed the case. We have picked up a puncture."
"Speak for yourself," said Berry. "I always let them lie. ”

“ Then the latter hurled himself panting into the road and leapt into the arms which I stretched out of the car.
No prodigal ever received such an ovation. There was literally a fight for his person. Jill snatched him from me and pressed his nose to her face; Berry dragged him from her protesting arms and set him upon his knee; Daphne tore him away and hugged him close. Such of us as were temporarily disseized, stroked and fondled his limbs and cried endearing epithets. Only our fair American looked on with a wistful smile. ”

“ Otherwise we should be required to name this house 'Sea View' or 'Clovelly.' Permit me to remark that the port has now remained opposite you for exactly four minutes of time, for three of which my goblet has been empty."
"I think it's cruel," said Jill, passing on the decanter. "I think——"
"Hush," said Berry. "That wonderful organ, my brain, is working." Rapidly he began to write upon the back of a menu. "We must inform the world through the medium of the Press. An attractive paragraph must appear in The Times. What could be more appropriate than an epitaph? ”

“ A minute later we were walking along the road towards Highlands and, while Jill was talking excitedly, I was considering my own recklessness.
As we entered the grounds—
"Don't say anything about it," I said. "Let it be a surprise."
The first person I saw, as I entered the lounge of that hotel, was Berry.
"Do you mind not asking me why I'm here?" he said languidly. "I've just finished telling Jonah, and repetition always wearied me."
"Your movements have never interested me," said I. "All the same, I thought you were in the grip of Torment." ”

“ Hastily I escorted Maisie, still helpless with laughter, to her car.
I returned to find Berry entertaining a large audience of complete strangers in the vestibule with a fantastic account of his experiences at Stanhope Gate. Concealing myself behind a pillar, I awaited Lady Elizabeth's return.
"Yes," said Berry. "Betrayed by my accomplices, I found myself, as it were, a shred of flotsam adrift in the darkling streets. Several people thought I was the Marble Arch, and left me on the left. Others, more discerning, conjured me to pull in to the kerb. ”

“ NONG, man, NONG! You'll strip the blinkin' thread.... Look here...."
"A-a-ah! Oui, oui, Monsieur. Je comprends, je comprends."
"You don't listen," said Berry severely. "That's what's the matter with you. Valuable car like this, too."
Jill buried her face in my sleeve and began to shake with laughter. "Alors, en avant, mon brave. Mettez y votre derrière. Oh, very hot, very hot."
"C'est bien ça, Monsieur?"
"Every time," said Berry. "Now the next.... D'abord avec les doigts.... That's enough, fathead. What's the brace done?" ”

“ Berry uncovered.
"Pardon, madame," he said, "mais vous êtes Camille Franç——That's your cue. Now you say 'Serwine!' Just like that. 'Serwine!' Put all the loathing you can into it—you'll find it can hold quite a lot—and fix me with a glassy eye. Then I blench and break out Into a cold sweat. Oh, it's a great game."
"Poor old chap," said Daphne. "It must have been awful. But haven't you got her?"
"It's a he!" cried Jill, squeaking with excitement. "It's a he. Jonah's bringing him——"
"A what?" said my sister, taking a pace backward.
"A male," said I. "You know. Like Nobby. ”