Lord Spoonbill

“ Even with similar politeness did Lord Spoonbill profess how truly happy the Earl and Countess had been in affording any accommodation to the neice of their late esteemed friend, the respected rector of Smatterton. By making men [102] tion of that good man, Lord Spoonbill brought tears into the eyes of Mr Primrose, who mournfully shook his head and replied:
“Ah, my lord, he was indeed a good man. I lament the loss of him most sincerely. So much kind feeling, blended with such strict integrity, and so high a degree of moral purity, I never have witnessed in any other. ”

“ Suppose I should intend to marry Miss Primrose!”
“Why, then you are less likely to have a rival.”
Although Lord Spoonbill was quite as profligate and unprincipled as Mr Erpingham, yet as his profligacy and want of principle were not managed and directed precisely after the model of the same vices in the conduct of his friend, his lordship took credit to himself that he could enjoy the pleasure of reproving the vicious principles of this Epicurean. ”

“ Everybody who is worse than ourselves is too bad; everybody, whose vices differ from ours, is too bad. Lord Spoonbill was selfish, sensual, and unprincipled; but he endeavoured to conceal his character, and, from attempting to deceive others, had come at last to deceive himself; and he really did flatter himself that there was some good in his character, and some good feelings in his heart. But Erpingham, on the other hand, did not play the hypocrite either to himself or to others ”

“ Lord Spoonbill took infinite pains to render the change of scene agreeable to the young lady. The weather was, for the time of year, cheerful and bright, and though cold, not intensely so: and in spite of the numerous hints which the Earl gave him of the impropriety of such excessive condescension, the heir of Smatterton would accompany the plebeian dependent in the chariot, and point out to her the various beauties of the surrounding scenery. A person who can see has a great advantage over one that is blind. Such advantage had Lord Spoonbill over Penelope Primrose. ”

“ A momentary pause followed the last observation of the Countess; and then, in his own peculiarly majestic manner, the Earl of Smatterton said, “I am of opinion that it is not quite proper and suitable for a young lady to travel in a stage alone and unprotected.”
With exquisite, and as if premeditated, promptitude Lord Spoonbill replied, “Certainly not; but there will be no necessity for Miss Primrose going alone or in the stage-coach at all. I shall drive up to town tomorrow morning, and if the young lady will accept of a seat in my gig, I shall be most happy in her company.” ”

“ It is quite contrary to our notions of propriety that sons should command their parents; it was also contrary to Lord Smatterton’s ideas of his own dignity that any one should dictate to him; but in the present instance he adopted the courtier’s language. As his son did not seem disposed to command him, the father felt very much inclined to command his son, and to insist with mighty dignity on knowing the cause of this strange behaviour. But Lord Spoonbill was [191] rather too old to be treated like a boy. His lordship would not be snubbed ”

“ He had read far more than Mr Darnley or Dr Greendale: the former of whom he called a high priest, and the latter a mere pedant. On the great men of the two villages, Lord Smatterton of Smatterton, and Sir George Aimwell of Neverden, he looked down with great contempt as very ignorant men; and though Lord Spoonbill had been at Cambridge, Mr Kipperson was quite sure, from the obsolete constitution of the universities, that nothing could be taught there that was worth knowing. He therefore thought Lord Spoonbill a very superficial and ignorant man. ”

“ One reason perhaps for this arrangement is, that rational youngsters are not quite so well able to guide and to take care of themselves as irrational animals are.
The feeling of which we are here speaking operated very powerfully in the minds of Lord Smatterton and his son. The father was especially fond of authority, and the son as fond of independence: but the father held the purse, and there lay the great secret of his power. Lord Spoonbill knew that he could not marry [192] Miss Primrose without the consent of more parties than himself and the young lady ”

“ Once or twice he determined that the letter designed for the parsonage of Smatterton should [Pg 79] reach its destination, and then he as often changed his mind again. It may seem strange, and perhaps be thought not true, that an hereditary legislator should descend to such meanness as to intercept a letter. It is indeed strange, and but for its strangeness it would not be here recorded. But Lord Spoonbill was one of those decided characters that do not let trifles deter them from pursuing their schemes. ”

“ Colonel Crop re-echoed the unprintable exclamations of the great unpaid, but Lord Spoonbill did not seem to heed the sport, or more properly speaking the want of sport. It is very provoking to be in a passion with anything that thwarts our humour, and it is still more provoking to find another, who ought to be in a passion with the same object, regard the matter with total indifference and unconcern. Thus provoked was the worthy and exemplary magistrate Sir George Aimwell. ”

“ She had not, indeed, ceased to think tenderly and affectionately of Robert Darnley; but she had nearly, if not altogether, ceased to hope. The conflict in her mind was between her affection for her father and her indifference to Lord Spoonbill. We will not say that her vanity was not flattered by the apparent offer of so splendid an alliance. It perhaps influenced her as little as it would influence any one; but when the mind is just recovering from the pains and mortifications of a first disappointment, it is mightily indifferent to matters of sentiment. ”

“ To seek an acquaintance with any individual is generally felt, whether it be so considered or not, as an act of humiliation. It is at all events a homage paid to the acquaintance thus sought. He that voluntarily seeks after another, involuntarily pays that other a compliment. And frequently that compliment is taken by those who receive it for more than it is really worth. By this circumstance therefore that the acquaintance with Erpingham had been of Lord Spoonbill’s own seeking, the former did not quite so highly value and honor the young legislator as otherwise he might have done. ”

“ The Earl was about to resume his book, when Lord Spoonbill added, “But pray, sir, what is this account I hear from one of your people about Dr Greendale? I hope the old gentleman is not seriously ill.”
By this interrogation the Earl seemed to be roused to a recollection of what might otherwise have passed away from his mind. Laying down his book, he said:
“Oh!—ay—right: I am very sorry to tell you that the poor man is very ill. That is, so I understand—I sent immediately for my physician, and I also said that, if it were necessary, I myself would go down to the rectory and see the good man. ”

“ And so perhaps it really is; for a lord ought to know whether he is a fool or not, and he would not say it if he did not believe it; and there is also a degree of wisdom in the discovery that one has been a fool, for thereby it is intimated that the season of folly is over. Whosoever therefore actually says that he was a fool formerly, virtually says that he is not a fool now. So no doubt did the colonel interpret the assertion of Lord Spoonbill, and with this interpretation he said, “Exactly so.”
“But I think now,” proceeded his lordship, “I may have the young lady on my own terms. ”

“ It is far more likely that the vanity of the young lady should fix her hopes on Lord Spoonbill, especially if his lordship has paid her, as is not unlikely, very marked attentions.”
Although in the family at the rectory of Neverden there was diversity of opinion as to the person on whom Miss Primrose had placed her affections, there was at least unanimity in the feeling and expression of disapprobation. ”

“ To a female it is more painful still. I cannot brook the idea of being dependent on a multitude, a capricious mass of, perhaps, gross and indiscriminating individuals.”
Lord Spoonbill was so much delighted with the probability of Miss Primrose’s return to the condescending and discriminating patronage of the Countess of Smatterton, that the anticipation made him more than usually eloquent and logical; and there was something also in the manner of Mr Primrose that excited the hereditary legislator to use his utmost powers of persuasion. ”

“ People in office do not like to lose their places, for it makes them very ill-humoured and provokes them to all manner of absurdities. Nick also thought that if his place should be taken from him in consequence of this his unfaithfulness, Lord Spoonbill would be also exposed, and Lord Spoonbill being exposed would be mightily angry with Nick, and, being angry with him, would not make him any remuneration for his loss. Moreover Nick thought that Lord Spoonbill would call him a fool for having divulged the secret, and Nick did not like to be called a fool. ”

“ Plenty of illustrations are always at hand, if we be intimate with the person in question.
Now, in spite of all the reverence which Mr Erpingham felt for high rank, he could not help thinking that his lordship was no conjuror. Indeed it is no more to be wished than it is to be expected that the House of Lords should be all conjurors. As therefore Mr Erpingham thought but indifferently of the understanding of his right honorable friend, it is not to be wondered at that Lord Spoonbill should not always be treated with the most profound respect. ”

“ It was all in vain that Zephaniah Pringle contended that Miss Primrose could not possibly be living dishonorably with Lord Spoonbill in London, while she was living quietly and reputably with her father at Smatterton. Mr Darnley had made up his mind, and nothing could shake his conclusions. Of some heads it is observed, that you can get nothing into them; of others it may with as much truth be said, that you can get nothing out of them. In this latter predicament was placed the head of the rector of Neverden. ”

“ These considerations on the one hand told his lordship that success would be endangered by precipitancy, while the fact that Mr Primrose, in the course of a day or two, would make his appearance, rendered it necessary that some immediate steps should be taken. It is a great pity that hereditary legislators, who are born to govern a nation, should in any case be incapable of legislating for themselves. Such a case now [6] occurred. Lord Spoonbill thought of calling to his aid the counsel of a friend. ”

“ CHAPTER XIII. It is a sad thing to be the most unfortunate creature in the world; and the only consolation under such calamity, is the thought that it is by no means uncommon. Almost every body is in this condition at some period or other of his life. This calamity befel Lord Spoonbill at the juncture of which we are now writing. It happened under the following circumstances.
We have related that Mr Primrose, after hearing of the stoppage of his banker, went into the City to his agent at a preposterously late hour of the day, and that in so doing he lost his labour. ”

“ But there are, among the unfledged lordlings who honor that town and university with their superfine presence, some few individuals who, in order to enjoy a stronger sense and feeling of their own noble rank and exalted condition, seek for acquaintance among the untitled. Of this class was Lord Spoonbill, and his acquaintance thus and there formed, was Mr Erpingham. ”

“ How can I bear to think of my own child exerting and wasting her strength to amuse the public, and to see her standing before a promiscuous and unfeeling multitude, exposed to the rudeness and insolence of loudly expressed disapprobation and extempore criticism?”
“Nay, my good sir,” said Lord Spoonbill in his pleasantest manner; “there is no danger, and there need be no fear, that Miss Primrose will ever incur disapprobation; whatever loud expressions there may be, will be expressions of applause and delight.”
“And that,” rejoined Mr Primrose, [139] “is almost as bad. ”

“ There is a very great difference between the vigorous arm that can break a man’s head, and the ingenious dexterity which can bend a man’s heart. And, generally speaking, those people can have but little regard for brains, whose business it is to knock them out.
For want of a dexterous diplomatist, Lord Spoonbill, as we shall see hereafter, was exposed to great inconvenience, and suffered mighty and serious disappointment.
Colonel Crop was not sorry that leave was granted him to dine at Sir George Aimwell’s. ”

“ Hereat the young lady started; and she thought that she had some faint recollection of having heard some obscure hints on that subject; for these matters are not made the topic of explicit discourse in the presence of young ladies. And [111] with this impression she hastened to undeceive her father as to the state of her affections, protesting very calmly and deliberately that there had not been any transfer of her attachment to Lord Spoonbill from Robert Darnley. ”

“ The doctor did not laugh aloud; nor did he [Pg 7] visibly smile at this last speech of his active, bustling, managing partner. And it would have been indeed excusable had the reverend divine at least relaxed his features into a smile, at the dexterity with which Mrs Greendale converted the above-named lady and gentleman into persons of rank. As these names have been mentioned, it is proper that our readers should know something of the parties.
Honoria Letitia Spoonbill was a maiden lady of some forty, fifty, sixty, or seventy years old ”