Professor Bumper

“ He was a king now, with duties to perform, and he wasn’t going to prove unequal to them. Bumper had very fine qualities, which, after all, fitted him for a ruler more than his 75pink eyes and white fur. Goodness and wisdom were better than fine clothes. ”

“ She was a pretty girl, with red hair, a dimple in her chin, and one big freckle on the end of her nose; but her eyes were blue, and they made Bumper think of the sky which he could see through a hole in the roof of his house. I suppose it was because he had pink eyes that he thought blue was so becoming to little girls.
That night when he got home, Bumper was bursting with excitement. The day's experience was enough to cause this, but the words of the little girl who had spent all of her birthday money for candies and cakes were fresh in his mind. ”

“ It is generally so with those [123] who lie and deceive. There is little honor among thieves.
Meanwhile, Bumper had scurried through the hole, and found his way out under the river’s embankment. The water from the pit drained through to the river, and this accounted for the long tunnel.
“My, how thankful I am to get out with a whole skin!” he exclaimed. “It was a narrow escape.”
He cleaned the dirt from his white fur, and glanced up happily at the moon. “It will go hard with Mr. Fox and Sneaky,” he added. “I suppose Loup will kill both of them.” ”

“ It is to be feared that Bumper had an inordinate conceit about his ability to get out of difficult places by using his wits.
So when Spotted Tail started in the usual way to work up to a challenge, Bumper readily encouraged him. “A good king is always a wise king, isn’t he, Bumper?” ”

“ There was no question about the admiration all the rabbits felt for him. Respect amounting almost to awe for his wonderful fur of white, and his eyes of a delicate shade of pink, made them feel that he was a real king of their tribe.
Bumper, after a while, grew accustomed to this 11admiration, and he began to feel pardonable pride in his beautiful fur. Perhaps, after all, there was something to the story the Old Blind Rabbit told. If looks made one a king then certainly Bumper was entitled to the position. ”

“ It was very dark, and it was impossible for [Pg 54] him to tell where he was going. His one great desire was to escape the pursuing dog or other animal close behind him. Consequently, he was unprepared for the sudden climax of his adventure.
The narrow tunnel came to an abrupt ending, and when Bumper shot out of it he landed in a big, circular space that gave him plenty of opportunity to turn around and look at his enemy. He had no more idea what kind of a place he was in now than before. It was all so strange to him.
"Hello!" a voice called to him out of the small hole. ”

“ No one seemed to notice Bumper hopping along with Spotty the Chameleon on his back. Ordinarily such a thing would have caused a laugh, and perhaps jeers. But now every one was so terrified that he paid no attention to any one else.
In leaping over a clump of bushes, Bumper suddenly heard a voice call to him. “Oh, Bumper, what am I going to do? I can’t run fast enough to beat the fire. Oh! Oh! I shall be roasted alive!” ”

“ But really there was nothing he could do, for Spotted Tail had brought the trouble all on himself because of his envy and spite.
“Being a king isn’t all lettuce and carrots,” sighed Bumper. “I’m not sure but I’d rather be just Fuzzy Wuzz, who smiles and laughs all day, or even Goggle Eyes, who eats altogether too much for himself, but seems to enjoy it.”
“Then there’s so much a king has to know,” he added a moment later. “I’m learning all the time new things, but what I don’t know yet frightens me. I wish sometimes I could take a vacation, and just go off and forget everything. ”

“ It was a long, hard job, but Bumper finally gnawed away enough of the wood for Mr. Beaver to get out. When he finally stood on the top of the log, he was so shaken by the experience that his teeth chattered.
“Tell your people that they can cross my dam”
“Bumper, you were right,” he said. [37] “Everybody needs friends, and the time to make them is before you’re in danger. I won’t be so selfish again. Tell your people that they can cross my dam, and when they come ask them to speak a friendly word to me. I want to be their friend.” ”

“ Bumper found them in this unyielding state of mind, with neither one willing to give way to the other. Recalling their remarks about Billy Porcupine and Washer the Raccoon, Bumper smiled to himself. After all they were not much less selfish than Billy and Washer when put to the real test. It is always easier to preach than practice.
“It seems to me,” Bumper remarked after a while, “that we’d better make a two-family house out of this burrow. That’s the simplest solution of the problem.”
“How can we do that?” asked Rolly Polly. ”

“ The sudden happy turn of affairs was much to his liking. “O Bumper, our white king!” he exclaimed. “The winter’s snow is not whiter than your coat, and your soul is whiter than either. May neither ever fade or grow tarnished in the use.”
Crooked Ears, who had come to the assembly with a grouch, which he intended to vent upon Bumper, stood hesitating a moment before he bowed and took the king’s paw. Then he looked up and smiled. “Ears, O Bumper, are given to hear, and whether they are crooked or straight they should gather in the truth and not the lies. ”

“ Mother rabbit shook her head slowly just as if she intended to scold, and then said in the softest, gentlest of voices:
"I'm afraid that little girl has been putting vain ideas into your head, dear. You must be careful, and not let compliments about your eyes and ears spoil you. If you do people won't like you."
Bumper promised not to be spoilt by listening to what little girls said, and then eagerly repeated his question. ”

“ If they accept you all the other rabbits will follow.”
“And if they don’t?”
“Then I fear there will be trouble. You cannot rule over a divided people and make them happy.”
This bit of wisdom could not be disputed, and Bumper added sadly: “Neither can the ruler be happy.”
“Well said, Bumper. But the time has come now when we must call on them. I shall take you in person, and explain to White Tail and the others the meaning of our call.”
This idea rather frightened Bumper. To meet so many important leaders, and carry himself as a king should, made him feel like quitting. ”

“ Buster the Bear stood back of them ready to plunge in the river. Bumper explained in a few words what he had done, and what he hoped to do. Buster looked at him with a curious expression in his eyes.
“Well, well,” he said. “It’s too bad to spoil a good thing. I guess I’ll have to take a hand in it. Now both of you jump on my back, and I’ll get you across. ”

“ Then the lady held the umbrella over his head, and he looked up into her face. She was a sweet, womanly lady, but not exactly the kind of mistress Bumper had pictured belonging to.
"He is a dear little thing," the lady said, taking him in her arms and rubbing his back. "And so friendly! Why, he's trying to cuddle up under my arm."
The fact was, Bumper was trying to get in her muff away from the dripping umbrella. He [Pg 26] made a dive for the nearest open end, and squeezed all but his tail through. ”

“ You are going to be one of those who will offer to the world a genuine—an absolutely genuine tonic to the moral system."
Mr. Bunsome nodded approvingly.
"The more I hear you talk," he declared, "the more I like the sound of it. People are tired of brain foods and nerve foods. A food for the moral self! Professor, you're a genius."
"I am nothing of the sort, sir," the professor answered. "My share in this is trifling. The discovery is the discovery of our friend here," he continued, indicating Burton. "The idea of exploiting it is the idea of Mr. Bomford. ”

“ You're so dirty your own mother wouldn't know you. White! Oh! Ho! Ho! I wish you could see yourself."
Bumper did see himself, or, at least, a part of himself. Both front paws were muddy; his long ears were covered with iron rust; his fat cheeks were dusty and cobwebby, and to the ends of his whiskers clung specks of dirt. In his progress through the drain-pipe he had accumulated sufficient dirt to change his color from pure white to a rusty gray.
"I can soon clean myself," he remarked, "and the little girl with the red hair will help me. Is that the hole that leads back to the garden?" ”

“ The rest of the birds had not seen him at all, and his presence was something of a mystery.
On the second day, however, Bumper was returning to a burrow that he and Fuzzy Wuzz had discovered for their future home, when he was startled by the plaintive cries of Hermit the Thrush among the bushes. At first Bumper thought Hermit was talking to her mate, but when the cries increased he hopped in her direction.
“What’s all the noise about, Hermit?” he called. “Can’t you find a place for your new home?”
“Oh, Bumper,” exclaimed Hermit, fluttering toward him, “Killer is trying to rob my nest. ”

“ Not that he was going to permit Sneaky the Wolf or Loup the Lynx to pounce upon his people and eat them up without fighting, but instead of going around with a chip on his shoulder, expecting and looking for trouble, he intended to make friends of all the animals and birds, and be helpful to them.
It is wonderful how much good to others we can overlook if we go about with our eyes shut. There is plenty to do if we look for it. So Bumper found in a short time that he had missed a good deal in always looking for the worst in others instead of for the best. ”

“ At the same time Bumper felt a little uneasy. Bald Mountain was a long way off, but the wind was blowing straight from it, and he began to think that perhaps this accounted for the uneasiness of Hermit, Black Cap, Mrs. Oven-Bird and Whip-Poor-Will. Fuzzy Wuzz might have sniffed the odor of smoke on the air, and the frightened birds had sensed the danger in the same way. Also it would account for the blood-red sun.
But Bumper continued to make light of the danger, laughing good-naturedly, and saying that Rusty must have had his wings singed in [48] flying so fast through the air. ”

“ During this time he made it a point to ply the Old Blind Rabbit with questions, storing up in his mind for future use any words of wisdom that dropped from the shrunken lips of the former leader. His attention flattered the Old Blind Rabbit, who told Bumper many tales and stories of his people, and of the troubles they experienced in the woods.
“My gravest fear for my people is,” he said, “that they will never learn to be fearless and self-possessed. A very little thing frightens them and makes them panicky.” ”

“ Then Spotted Tail turned to Bumper, and said:
“What an idiot you were! Or didn’t you know it was Mr. Yellow Jacket’s home?”
Bumper was on the point of confessing his ignorance when he thought of the consequence. A king should know everything, and to admit he didn’t know a hornet’s nest from a ball would be a terrible blow to his pride. So he suppressed 22the groan that the pain on his ear and nose caused, and said indignantly:
“Know it was Mr. Yellow Jacket’s home! Why, what an idea! But somebody had to pull it down, or Fuzzy Wuzz and the children might get stung. ”

“ BUMPER ADMIRED BY THE BIRDS
It isn't good for us to be too smart. It sometimes makes us vain, and then one day we overdo it. Bumper had some excuse for playing the trick on Mr. Crow and Mr. Fox, for his life depended upon it; but his success was giving him a little swelled head. He began to feel that he could get out of any danger by using his wits.
"It takes a city rabbit to find a way out of difficulty," he reflected, as he lay snugly in the hollow trunk of the tree. "These country animals are dull-witted. I do hope my cousins of the woods are not so stupid. ”

“ Beaver and with Billy the Mink, concluding with the remark: “They’re both our friends now. In time of need they’d stand by us and help us. That’s something worth bragging about.”
“Indeed, it is, Bumper,” replied Old Blind Rabbit. “It is better to make a dozen friends than one enemy.”
Bumper was very much pleased with his work, and highly gratified at Old Blind Rabbit’s [40] commendation of it. Now that he had set forth to make friends of all the birds and animals of the woods who would listen to him, he felt that he must leave no stone unturned to accomplish his end. ”

“ Like the crow, he had never seen a white rabbit before, and he suddenly gained confidence by this knowledge.
"How do you know I'm not a ghost?" he asked, smiling.
"How do I know? Ha! Ha! That's a good one! But I'll tell you how I know. I smell you. No ghost could have that delicious rabbit smell that fills my nose every time the wind blows toward me."
Bumper, for the lack of any words to say, laughed long and hard at this remark. Then he controlled himself, and added: "I wouldn't trust my nose, Mr. Fox. A rabbit's ghost might smell just as sweet and delicious as a real one." ”

“ Edith came out so soon that Bumper knew right away that she hadn't eaten much breakfast, and half of it was in her hands, and apparently the other half was on her face instead of being in her stomach where it should have been.
"Do you like bread and jam?" she asked, poking the bread she had been eating at Bumper.
Like a well-bred rabbit, Bumper stuck his nose up and sniffed at the dainty proffered him; but [Pg 46] when he got some of the jam on his nose he hopped away and sneezed. It was gooseberry jam, and Bumper hated gooseberries, although he had never tasted of them before. ”

“ Bumper spent the night in a box lined with fresh, green grass at the foot of the little girl's bed, but not until after he had met another person whom he feared and disliked almost as much as the bad boy called Toby. She was a cross old nurse, who looked after Edith, and she didn't like [Pg 41] rabbits—not live ones. She admired Bumper's soft, white hair, and remarked:
"Wouldn't it make a handsome fur neck scarf? I wonder how much it would cost."
Edith snatched the rabbit from her hands. "You wicked old thing!" she exclaimed. "I believe you'd kill Bumper just for his fur." ”