Bumpkin

“ Bumpkin? No; but, I’m sorry for Snooks, because we lose our costs. Oh, that Locust is the greatest dodger I ever met.”
“I don’t understand thee, sir,” said Bumpkin. “What d’ye mean by not getting costs—won’t ur pay?”
“I fear not,” said Mr. Prigg, rubbing his hands. “I am surprised, too, that he should not have waited until the rule for a new trial was argued.”
“What the devil be the meaning o’ all this?” exclaimed Bumpkin.
“Really, really,” said the pious diffuser of Christianity, “we must exercise patience; we may get more damages if there should be another trial.” ”

“ Now, Mr. Bumpkin, after that, I think you ought to be satisfied; but really that is one of the most disparaging things in the profession, the most disparaging, I may say; we find it so difficult to show our clients that we have done enough for them.”
“An’ thee think, sir, as we shall win un?” said Bumpkin.
“Well,” said Mr. Prigg, “I never like to prophesy; but if ever a case looked like winning it’s Bumpkin v. Snooks. And I may tell you this, Mr. Bumpkin, only pray don’t say that I told you.”
“What be thic, sir?” asked the eager client, with his eyes open as widely as ever client’s can be. ”

“ Bumpkin was waiting for his trial. For Mr. and Mrs. Oldtimes being Somersetshire people knew many inhabitants of the old days in the village of Yokelton, where Mr. Bumpkin “were bred and born’d.”
Meanwhile the “head witness” had returned to the cheerful scene in the taproom, and sat leering out of the corners of his eyes upon the Sergeant, as though he expected every moment that officer would make a spring at him and have him upon the floor. But the Sergeant was not a bullying, blustering sort of man at all; his demeanour was quiet in the extreme. He scarcely looked at anyone. ”

“ Bumpkin, “I can tell ’ee.”
“What’s the matter? dear me, why, what’s the matter? We must be cool, you know. Nothing like coolness, if we are to win our battle.”
“Lookee ’ere,” said Bumpkin; “lookee ’ere, sir; I bin here dordlin’ about off an’ on six weeks, and this ’ere dam trial—”
“Sh—sh!” remonstrated Mr. Prigg with the softest voice, and just lifting his left hand on a level with his forehead. “Let us learn resignation, good Mr. Bumpkin. Let us learn it at the feet of disappointment and losses and crosses.” ”

“ Bumpkin, “there be another werse and then a chorus.”
“Hooray!” they shouted, “a chorus! let’s have the chorus—there ought to be a chorus—thirteen bob a week!”
“Now, gentlemen, the chorus if you please,” said Harry; “give it mouth, sir!”
Then sang Bumpkin—
p. 181“O ’edgin, ditchin, that’s the geaam,
All in the open air;
The poor man’s health is all his wealth,
But wealth without a care! ”

“ Bumpkin, or whatever your name is, don’t lounge on the desk like that, but just stand up and attend to me. Stand up, sir, and answer my questions,” says Mr. Nimble.
“I be standin’ oop,” said Bumpkin, “and I can answer thee; ax away.”
“Just attend,” said the Judge. “You must not go on like that. You are here to answer questions and not to make speeches. If you wish those gentlemen to believe you, you must conduct yourself in a proper manner. ”

“ Prigg, “we have only to do our duty in that station of life in which we are called, and we have no cause to fear. Now you know you would not have liked that unprincipled man, Snooks, to have the laugh of you, would you now?”
Mr. Bumpkin clenched his fist as he said, “Noa, I’d sooner lose every penny I got than thic there feller should ha’ the grin o’ me.” ”

“ O’Rapley. But the fact was, that the hue and cry was now raised, and although Master Bumpkin did not perceive it, about a hundred people, men, women, and boys, were in full chase; and when that gentleman was, as Bumpkin thought, coolly coming towards him, he was simply at bay, run down, without hope of escape; and fully determined to face the matter out with all the coolness he could command.
“Take un,” said Bumpkin; “take un oop; thee dam scoundrel!”
p. 140“Take care what you’re saying,” said the thief. “I’m a respectable man, and there’s law in the land.” ”

“ What must “I, Bumpkin,” be whose statement is required on oath before my Lord Judge?
Always, at these words, he would shout. “That be it—now then, sir, would you please begin that agin?”—while, if Mrs. Bumpkin were not too busy, he would call her in to hear them too.
So there was no wonder that the action went merrily along. Once get up enthusiasm in a cause, and it is half won. Without enthusiasm, few causes can succeed against opposition. Then, again, the affidavit described Bumpkin as a Yeoman. What, I wonder, would Snooks the coal-merchant think of that? ”

“ Tim would bark and fly across to the meadow where she was; and then, having said to her and to the five other Alderney cows and four heifers, “Why, here’s master and missus coming round to look at you, why on earth don’t you come and see them?” up the whole herd would come, straggling one after the other, to the meadow where Mr. and Mrs. Bumpkin were waiting for them; and all would look over the hedge, as much as to say, “How d’ye do, master, and how d’ye do, missus; what a nice day, isn’t it?” exactly in the same manner as men and women greet one another as often as they meet. ”

“ He was not cross-examined; no witnesses were called, and it had only been stated by the prisoner himself, not proved, although he said he should prove it at the trial, that the watch had been in the family for upwards of forty years.
“The biggest lie,” muttered Master Bumpkin, “that ever wur told.” And then he reasoned in this wise: “how could it a bin in his family forty year when he, Bumpkin, only lost it the day afore in the most barefaced manner? He was a pooty feller as couldn’t tell a better story than thic.” ”

“ See if that beant a u, Miss, your eyes be better un mine; they be younger.”
“O yes, that’s a u,” said Miss Prettyface, “and an m.”
“And that spell bum.”
“But stop,” said Miss Prettyface, “here’s a p.”
“That’s bump,” said Mrs. Oldtimes; “we shall get at something presently.”
“Why,” exclaimed Bumpkin, “I be danged if I doant think it be my old ’ooman’s writin’: but I beant sure. That be the way ur twists the tail of ur y’s and g’s, I’ll swear; and lookee ’ere, beant this k i n?” ”

“ You’re in the list to-day and gone to-morrow; a man the other day was just worried as you have been; but mark this; at the trial, Mr. Bumpkin, the jury gave that man a verdict for a thousand pounds!”
“Look at that, Nancy,” exclaimed Mr. Bumpkin; “Will ’ee tak a little more pork, sir?”
“Thank you,” said Mr. Prigg, “it’s uncommonly good; some of your own feeding, I suppose?”
“Ay,” said Mr. Bumpkin.
“Were that a pig case, Mr. Prigg, where the man got the thousand pounds?” asked Mrs. Bumpkin.
“Let me see,” answered Prigg, “was it a pig case?” Here he put his finger to the side of his nose. ”

“ It is not usual for respectable solicitors to carry about their bills of costs in their pockets, and why Mr. Prigg should have done so on this occasion I am not aware. I merely saw in my dream that he did so. There was not a change in his countenance; his piety was intact; there was not even a suffusion of colour. Placid, sweet-tempered, and urbane, as a Christian should be, he looked pityingly towards the hot and irascible Bumpkin, as though he should say, “You have smitten me on this cheek, now smite me on that!” and placed the great envelope on the table before the ungrateful man. ”

“ Theirs was a very nice pew, commanding a full view of the stage and all the angelic looking beings. And evidently our friends were considered fashionable people, for many of the audience looked round at them as they entered. So awed was Mr. Bumpkin when he first sat down, that he wondered whether he ought to look into his hat as the Squire did in Church; but, resolving to be guided by Horatio, and seeing that the pale youth did not even take his billycock off, but spread his elbows out on the front ledge and clapped his hands with terrific vehemence, and shouted “Anchore” as loudly as he p. ”

“ Bumpkin been a man of the world he would have suspected that under the most ostentatious piety very often lurked the most subtle fraud. Good easy man, had he been going to buy a hay-stack, he would not have judged by the outside but have put his “iron” into it; he could not put his iron into Mr. Prigg, I know, but he need not have taken him by his appearance alone. I may observe that if Mr. Bumpkin had consulted his sensible and affectionate spouse, or a really respectable solicitor, this book would not have been written. ”

“ Bumpkin’s rosy cheeks as she said for the twentieth time since Mr. Bumpkin’s return,—
“Poor Joe! why did ur goo for a soger?”
“He wur a fool!” said Bumpkin, “and I told un so. So as I warned un about thic Sergeant; the artfullest man as ever lived, Nancy.”
Mrs. Bumpkin wiped her eyes. “He wur a good boy, wur Joe, goo where ur wool; but, Tom, couldn’t thee ’a’ kept thine eye on un when thee see thic Sergeant hoverin’ roun’ like a ’awk arter a sparrer?” ”

“ Prigg as his solicitor in the cause of Bumpkin v. Snooks.
“Quite so, quite so; now let me see; be calm, Mr. Bumpkin, be calm; in all these matters we must never lose our self-possession. You see, I am not excited.”
p. 29“Noa,” said Bumpkin; “but then ur dint tak thy pig.”
“Quite true, I can appreciate the position, it was no doubt a gross outrage. Now tell me—this Snooks, as I understand, is the coal-merchant down the village?” ”

“ When Horatio had supped, and the things were removed, Mr. Bumpkin assured the youth that a little drop of gin-and-water would not hurt him after his journey; and accordingly mixed him a tumbler. “Thee doan’t smoke, I spoase?” he said; to which Mrs. Bumpkin added that she “spoased he wur too young like.”
“I’ll try,” answered the courageous youth, nothing daunted by his youngness.
“So thee shall—dang if thee shan’t,” rejoined Mr. Bumpkin; and produced a long churchwarden pipe, and a big leaden jar of tobacco of a very dark character, called “shag.” ”

“ I knew that artful Sergeant would enlist poor stupid Joe?”
“O,” quoth I, “have I been talking again?”
“More than ever; and I am very sorry Joe has deserted his kind master. I am afraid now he will lose his case.”
“I am not concerned about that at present; my work is but to dream, not to prophesy events. I hope Mr. Bumpkin will win, but nothing is so uncertain as the Law.”
“And why should that be? Law should be as certain as the Multiplication Table.”
“Ah,” sighed I, “but—”
“A man who brings an action must be right or wrong,” interrupted my wife. ”

“ Bumpkin, said:
“Well, it’s like this: a man med win or a man med lose, there’s no telling about the case; but I be dang’d well sure o’ this, missus, he’ll lose his money: I wish master had chucked her up long agoo.”
This opinion was not encouraging; and perceiving that the subject troubled Mrs. Bumpkin more than she liked to confess, he asked a question which was of more immediate importance to himself, and that was in reference to Polly Sweetlove.
“Why, thee’ll make her look at thee now, I’ll warrant; thy clothes fit thee as though they growed on thee.” ”

“ Alibi, “I was instructed so late—really, the wonder is, when gentlemen don’t employ a solicitor till the last moment, how we ever lay hold of the facts at all. Now look at your case, sir. Yes, yes, I’m coming—bother my clerks, how they worry—I’ll be there directly.”
“But thic feller,” said Mr. Bumpkin, “who had my case din’t know nowt about it. I could ha’ done un better mysel.”
“Ah, sir; so we are all apt to think. He’s a most clever man, that—a very rising man, sir.”
“Be he?” said Bumpkin.
“Why, do you know, sir,” continued Mr. Alibi, “he was very great at his University.” ”

“ Bumpkin. I don’t suppose she was there, if you come to recollect; it’s quite enough if Joe was present and could hear what was said. I suppose he could hear it?”
“Stood cloase by.”
“Very well—that is slander—and slander of a very gross kind. We’ve got him.”
“Be it?” said Snooks.
“I’ll show you,” said Locust; “in law a man slanders you if he insinuates that you are dishonest; now what p. 39does this Bumpkin do? he says ‘you don’t have me,’ meaning thereby that you don’t trick him out of his pig; and, ‘you are not selling coals,’ meaning that when you do sell coals you do trick people. ”

“ Bumpkin’s evidence at the Old Bailey should be supported by that of the Don himself. So Mr. Bumpkin was left to the tender mercies of the Public Prosecutor or a criminal tout, or the most inexperienced of “soup” instructed counsel, as the case might be, but of which matters at present I have no knowledge as I have no dreams of the future.
p. 220Then Mr. Bumpkin said, “By thy leave, worthy Mr. O’Rapley, I will just see what my head witness be about: he be a sharp lad enow, but wants a dale o’ lookin arter.” ”

“ Good agin, Maister Rapley, thee got it.”
Mr. O’Rapley found that any attempt to convey instruction was useless, so he said:—
“Joking apart, Mr. Bumpkin, you see that man sitting over there with the wideawake hat?”
“D’ye mane near the noase o’ the ship?”
“Well, the nose if you like.”
“I zee un—chap wi’ red faace, blue ’ankercher, and white spots?”
“That’s the man. Well, now, you’d never guess who he is?”
Mr. Bumpkin certainly would have been a sharp man if he could.
“Well,” continued the Don, “that man gets his living by bringing actions. ”

“ I adjure you; make no apologies—it is not the dress—or the—or the —, anything in fact, that makes us what we are;—don’t, if you please.”
And here his profound sentiments died away again and were lost to the world; and the worthy man, not long after, was discussing his favourite dish with greedy relish.
“An when’ll this ’ere thing be on, Mr. Prigg, does thee think? It be a hell of a long time.”
“Tom! Tom!” exclaimed Mrs. Bumpkin. But Mr. p. 320Prigg was too well bred and too much occupied with his pork and greens to hear the very wayward epithet of the Farmer Bumpkin. ”