Francis Perry Elliott

“ By Jove, I was so startled I lost the grip on my monocle. Billings nodded emphatically.
"Yes, sir—for her; she'll be along one of these days."
"By Jove, you know!" I was almost dizzy with a sudden idea. I fished out the jewel and held it before my glass, squinting doubtfully at it. I wondered if it was good enough for "her."
"I say, Billings," I murmured thoughtfully. "Blondes or brunettes, you know—which wear rubies?"
"Both!" He said it with a kind of jaw snap. "They wear anything in the jewel line they can freeze on to." ”

“ And just then Jenkins' hand went out and swept at the little thread. The spider dropped and shot into a fold of the pajamas.
"I say! Look out!" I exclaimed as Jenkins made another clutch. "Don't mash the beast on the silk; you'll ruin it—the silk, I mean!"
"There it goes, sir!" said Jenkins eagerly. "Over by your hand."
"No; by Jove; he's gone into a leg of the pajamas! Here, shake him out—gently now!"
Jenkins lifted the garment gingerly and lightly shook it. But nothing came forth.
"Why don't you look in the leg," I said, "and see if you can see it?" ”

“ White is ever so much more your style than—than—"
By Jove, I swallowed just in time! But it had roused her. I could see her brighten.
"Oh!" she said. "Let me see—what is it you remember?" And she kind of muttered, "Perhaps I can tell from that—"
She paused expectantly.
"Oh, I say, you know!" And I twirled the hat, feeling a bit rattled. Why the deuce did she want to rub it in?
"But I want you to tell me." Her beautiful eyes were teasing.
"You know—in black." I twirled the hat faster.
"Black!" She stared, her exquisite lips standing apart like the two petals of a rose. ”

“ Lightnut is like one of us. Out with it, whatever it is!"
"Yes, sir." Wilkes coughed acquiescence, but shot a glance, half-reproachful, half-apprehensive, at the housekeeper.
She straightened, bristlingly.
"Are you going to tell him or not—and you a man?—or will you put it on me?" And she began to inflate again.
The poor devil took the plunge:
"The fact is, sir, Mr. Jack—h'm!"—he fidgeted through an instant's misery, then let it come: "It's about him and one of the maids, sir!" ”

“ By Jove, I wondered if she would listen to me! I fixed my glass resolutely as we resumed our seats, and bent toward her earnestly.
"May I say something very seriously, Miss Billings?" I began nervously. "Without offense, you know—"
But she was off in a fit of chuckling. Most girls giggled, I had always heard, but she chuckled. Somehow, I liked it less than anything she did; it sounded so devilish ghastly, you know. And then it was so awfully embarrassing—oh, awfully. If you've never tried to remonstrate with a girl about her vicious habits and had her chuckle, you just can't imagine! ”

“ And, by Jove, the next thing I knew she had perched on the broad arm of the Morris chair in which I sat, her arm resting lightly above my shoulders.
"Here's what I want to know about," I heard her sigh. "When you're engaged to one person and meet another you like better, how are you going to—well, chuck it with the first, you know—and still do the square thing? There, that's what's hit me, Dicky; and I'm up against it for fair!" Her hand gently patted my shoulder. "I'm telling you, old chap, because I know you'll understand—because I like you better than any man I ever saw—that's right!" ”

“ And under the light of a great red cluster of grapes, pendent from the mouth of a grinning Bacchus, I recognized with horror the yellow mat of hair and freckled face of Billings' cub brother. On the instant, with a bull-like roar, Billings sprang forward, but I was quicker still. But fleeter than either of us to reach the scene were the two elderly men, together with Miss Warfield, the housekeeper, and a couple of the maids. Frances darted like a bird to Foxy Grandpa, and then the figures of the women shut her from view. ”

“ By Jove, my spirits sank to zero.
"Yes, there's somebody you can always rely on!" he enthused under his changing mood. "Good thing in this blankety world there's somebody you can rely on—among women, I mean. There's a girl with a purpose in life—yes, sir! Never dances, plays bridge, nor uses slang—no, sir! And what's more, in this cursed age, she's one woman who can go through life and say she never touched a cigarette or a cocktail." ”

“ Jenkins moved off, nodding mysteriously, as I stared at him through my glass. In his way, Billings was speaking words of comfort and all that sort of thing to the professor.
"Never mind; the law will get 'em for you," he reassured him.
"Ah! that's just where you are in error," sighed our guest. "The law, sir, will not get a single subject for me. In this age of unrestrained liberty of all classes, the law lends no aid whatever to science. ”

“ But Billings stood his ground, by Jove!
"I didn't quite catch—" he began hesitatingly, angling his bristly red head forward and smiling pleasantly.
The professor seemed abashed of a sudden.
"H'm! Your pardon, gentlemen! Merely an expletive—h'm—a Greek word I indulge in sometimes when—when excited; a weakness, I might say. H'm!" He seized his lens again.
Billings' eyes yielded admiration.
"Great Scott, Dicky!" he whispered in my ear. "See what a thing education is! Think of being able to swear in Greek—in Greek, Dicky!" Billings' voice expressed awe. ”

“ Then my voice raised: "I've a mind to kill you!"
With a yell, he made a kangaroo jump and swung at me again.
"He says he's going to kill me, Mr. Lightnut!" he panted as I dodged again. "Help me—wake up, sir!"
Wake up? Wake up, indeed, when I had never been so devilish wide awake in all my life! I was sure now about that. I moved toward him cautiously.
"Stop your row!" I cried angrily; "you'll have somebody in. Think I want the police up here?"
With a glare at me, Jenkins darted past me to the bedroom I had just left. ”

“ I looked at Billings blankly but I found Billings was looking at me the same way.
Every once in a while he had been lifting the pajamas. He would cough and open his mouth, but just then the professor would start off again. Once Billings, with an awfully savage expression, shook his fist at our visitor's back and danced up and down upon the rug.
"The indifference, not to say prejudice, of the public upon the matter of human vivisection is heartrending," went on the professor sadly. ”

“ Wondered if one of these was the other chap she was engaged to.
He proceeded impressively: "One of these, my dear sir, was our rector—a most charming and venerable old man, now nearly eighty-three and partially paralyzed and deaf; lives a sweet, patient life all alone, you know, with no one in the world to care for him. Well, sir," he stiffened dramatically, leveling one finger at me, "do you think that Francis would even listen to him?"
Did I? Well, dash it, did I?
But I tried to mumble something polite.
"And then—" he puffed as he relighted his cigar, "there's Jack's chauffeur, you know." ”

“ Jenkins' mouth closed, traplike.
But all in vain my early rise the next morning, my careful toilet and my dash in a taxi to a florist and then to Tiffany's for a ring. At the pier I dodged about in the crowd, the boy trailing behind me with the big purple box, but not a devilish thing could I see of Frances. By Jove, I almost broke my monocle straining! At last I was sure she must be left, for the last passengers were passing over the gang-plank.
"Hello, Dicky!"
The voice, coarse and hearty, came from an athletic young man in a hurrah suit. ”

“ And yet, it is, it is!" he muttered. "I would know the weave among a thousand. It is hers undoubtedly, undoubtedly—the lost silk of Si-Ling-Chi! How comes it here?"
He glared around rather wildly at each of us in turn. Without waiting for a reply, he whisked back to the pajamas, and fishing out a thick magnifying lens, scrutinized the garments closely. It seemed that he would certainly nod his big head off its jolly hinge; and his quick side glances at Billings and myself, together with his growling and muttering, just reminded me of a dog with a bone, by Jove! ”

“ O'Keefe's head angled a little to give me the benefit of a surreptitious wink.
"Oh, certainly," he said, his voice affecting a fine sarcasm; "if the gentleman says you're his friend—"
"He's no friend of mine," I proclaimed indignantly. "Never saw him before in my life."
Instead of being confounded, the artful old villain fell back with a great air of astonishment and dismay. By Jove, he managed to turn fairly purple.
"Wha-a-t's that?" he gasped stranglingly and clutching at the collar of his pajamas. "Say that again, Dicky." ”

“ Billings looked sourly at the professor and went off and sat alone. He seemed put out about the old boy not returning the garments. Never seemed to occur to him that the professor was a devilish busy and absent-minded old chap. Might not return them for a month. I knew that.
"Oh, really, Frances?" the frump was saying, "How exceedingly nice of you, dear!" The professor was occupied for the moment with a moth. "I hope I won't frighten you in them as you say your maid was frightened at you. If pajamas are unbecoming to you, why just imagine me in them!" ”

“ I ventured. "I should have been regularly cut up."
"Ah! of course you would," cried the professor, lifting another pinch. "There speaks the intelligent devotee of science! But did they see it that way? Not at all, sir; they were only indifferent and ungrateful—they were rude and—ah—boisterous! One savage primate assaulted me with his bare knuckles. A blow, gentlemen, a blow from the boasted family of anthropina!"
"Beastly outrage, Professor," growled Billings. "Leave it to me; I know a chap who's got a pull with the police commissioner, and I'll just tip him off, by George. ”

“ Of course if a man looked like himself once, he would always look like himself. Any fool knew that!
Later, the judge came to my room, accompanied by Wilkes with some Heidelberg punch, frappé.
"Couldn't leave you out of this," he said genially; "besides, wanted to toast your first night under the roof of Wolhurst!
"Hope they're making you comfortable," he went on. "Infernal shame, Lightnut, that I've had to neglect you so; so absurdly busy, you know—you understand?"
I pretended to, for I knew he wanted me to think that, but I had heard the butler tell the frump that the judge was reading. ”

“ And I lost the dashed idea again, floundered a bit and took another shy: "Oh, I say, you know, have I your permission to speak to Frances—er—you know?"
"You speak to Francis?"—he just leaped toward me—"Why, my boy!" And he was wringing my arm with one hand while the other clasped my shoulder. "My de-e-ear boy—why, Lightnut!" By Jove, he almost gushed! "You're not joking now, are you?" He peered anxiously into my face. "No, by George, I believe you really mean it!" And he went to pumping like mad. "How awfully good of you—self-sacrificing is the word! Are you quite sure you don't mind?" ”

“ Gracious, gentle times, my friends! Gone, alas, for ever! Such opportunities are impossible under a republic."
The professor shook his head and reached for his handkerchief again. But this time he only blew his nose.
"Tempora mutantur," he murmured regretfully, "Eh, gentlemen?"
"True," said Billings, pursing his lips. "Ah, how true!"
"By Jove, ought to be something done, you know," I declared.
"Out of millions, not a single human specimen available," groaned the professor dismally. "And my instruments ready for over a year."
"Cheer up, sir; you'll have a go yet," Billings encouraged. ”

“ He snapped his fingers. "Necromancy and thaumaturgy transmitted in pajamas! Absurd!"
"Piffle!" said Billings emphatically. "Don't know what they are," he whispered to me, "but I'll take a hundred-to-one shot on anything he says. The professor's a corker!"
"By Jove!" I remarked. "Perhaps Professor Huckleberry won't mind telling us—"
"What I think, gentlemen? What could I think but what I am sure is your own conclusion—though you have generously and considerately left me to form my own opinion—namely, that the claim of supernatural attributes of these garments is preposterous. Enchanted pajamas! ”