Jean-François Regnard

“ Albert Sir, I am persuaded of his merit. Everyday we see how this sort of man learns secrets from traveling the world over.
(Enter Jenny.)
Jenny Ah, heaven! You are about to witness another perfect folly. If it continues, you'll have to tie her up.
(Enter Arabella, her hair is completely grey, her clothes disheveled.)
Arabella Good day, sweet friends, God protect ye, my children! Well, what is it? How do you spend your time? May heaven send you health for a long time, and keep you strong and happy. Sorrow's no good and frets the spirit. You have to enjoy yourself, and it's I who say it. ”

“ Urania Traitor! Are you finished? In spite of your promised word, you intend to marry another? In spite of all your oaths, in spite of your first choice?
McNaughten
Ah, are we still at that?
Urania You desert me, ingrate, faithless heart. You take pleasure in the cruel pain I suffer. You see me dying and giving in to my fate without shedding one single tear for my death. (collapsing on Jenny)
McNaughten This woman is a torment; she must have been bewitched. Must I always have a fury attached to my steps? ”

“ Roger: Not at all, sir. What hasn't happened to me? We've brought the best exorcists in London. There's no way to force them out; this spirit is furiously tenacious—he's the one that possesses women when they have the devil in them.
Richly: A horrible thought has occurred to me. Tell me, I beg you, have they been in the wine cellar?
Roger:
Alas, sir, they forage everywhere.
Richly:
I am lost. I buried fifty thousand pounds in that wine cellar.
Roger: Fifty thousand pounds! Sir, there are fifty thousand pounds in your house? ”

“ Lucy:
Have you many scholars?
Squire: Where is Roger? I don't see him here. He's a pretty fellow. I love him. I find him admirable as a trickster, to keep off creditors, to calm usurers, to persuade and pacify merchants. To sell all the furniture in a house quietly and quickly. How fashionable, how witty of your father, how prudent, to leave you a governor so wise, an economist so knowing. This rogue values twenty thousand pounds rent, the same way a baby does a half penny. ”

“ Captain Ah, Madame, my love for you is so extreme, I am sure it must last until death. And if, by a misfortune which I cannot prevent, your death should— Ah, great gods, what a frightful despair I would be in. The very thought of it possesses my soul with remorse.
Urania Let's put that lugubrious idea far away from us. To better celebrate the pleasures of our reunion, I want to dine with you tonight. This morning, I invited a friend—you'll enjoy good company.
Captain Madame, this honor is very advantageous to me. A small business matter tears me away at present, but I will soon return. ”

“ Jenny (laughing) Ah, my word, sir, you flatter yourself if you think that leaving your sad company will make me suffer the least pang. A school boy leaving his tutor, a woman a long time celibate who leaves her relatives to get married—a slave who leaves the hands of his masters, an old prisoner who breaks his chains after thirty years, an heir who sees his uncle give up the ghost, a husband when the plague takes his plaguey wife—doesn't have half the pleasure I take in receiving from you this happy discharge. ”

“ Urania Foh! Banterer! Love sometimes recalls a person who is absent to mind. Your charming portrait which, which makes all my happiness, consoled me a little during your frightful absence. Did mine have the same effect on you?
Captain Your face preoccupied me like a ghost, and followed me everywhere. Night could not hide you from my eyes. ”

“ How easily honest men recognize each other.
Richly:
You dare to say this is the result of his superior management!
Roger: Peace! Don't say a word. When you know the bottom of this thing you will be enchanted. He has bought a house—a mansion for ten thousand pounds—
Richly:
A house for ten thousand?
Roger: And easily worth fifteen. He didn't have enough cash, so in order not to lose the bargain, he borrowed money from this honest swindler you see here. You are not so angry as you were, I bet.
Richly: On the contrary, I'm overjoyed. Oh, sir, this Mr. Edward who owes you the money is my son. ”

“ Albert You deceive yourself, sir. The air around here is decidedly bad for your health. I owe it to myself to tell you that you will become very ill if you stay here for a long time. It is dangerous and mortal to wayfarers.
Arabella Alas, nothing is more true. Since I've breathed this air, I languish night and day in a cruel martyrdom.
Scratch Just give me the same wine as our innkeeper broke open today, and I will stand my ground defying fever, apoplexy, and a hundred years of age to the end of my life. ”

“ Jenny Do you know, sir, that before leaving this place, I am going to scratch your eyes out?
Spruce
Sir, to avoid any further quarrel—give her her portrait. You know a
woman scorned is a hundred times more vicious than all the Devils in
Hell.
McNaughten But, were she a thousand times more of a Devil than she is— I don't know her or her mistress.
Spruce (to Jenny) Never mind what he says. He must still be in love with her. Let me soften him up a bit. Come back soon, and I will have it for you. ”

“ Albert You seem to me to have the air of one of those rogues who prowl around to rob houses at night.
Scratch You don't know me, sir. I have other things on my mind. While Fortune prevents me from having wealth, it has given me marvelous secrets for curing ills. I amuse myself by seeking medicinal herbs around here.
Albert (surprised)
Medicinal herbs?
Scratch Yes, sir. All my life, I've made a profession of chemistry. As sure as you see me, there are no diseases I cannot cure—stone, coughs, vertigo, hysteria, heart disease, cancer. I've even been accused of using magic. ”

“ Roger: Well do you want me to speak openly? I don't like this alliance at all. And I forsee that it won't benefit anyone. Mr. Edward spends his money because he is in love and love makes a man open handed: marriage ruins love. If my master becomes a miser where will we be?
Lucy: He's of too prodigal a nature ever to turn miser. ”

“ McNaughten I've been looking for him for nearly an hour, in vain. I finally came to ask you to conduct me to him. Something irritating is always happening to me today.
Hastings
I am waiting for him. I believe he won't be late.
McNaughten One, after running after me, like one of my most cherished and faithful friends, asked news of my health. Another, forcefully grabbed my hand, and wanted to lead me to a tavern for supper. Then, a third, stopping me in the street, forced me to pay a debt I know nothing about. All these people confound me to Hell! As if I knew them any better than Lucifer! ”

“ Let widows mourn—let lovers cry! Children, follow me, raise your spirits. I see your courage shine in your faces. Let all here feel the horror and the carnage. Fix bayonets! Firmly—good. The rogues don't dare face us. Ah—cowards, you flee— No—no quarter— flee. (faints)
Scratch
In a short while, the blood will flow properly again.
Albert (beside himself)
Her wit's gone, without hope of return.
Scratch
Everything's ready. In my opinion, her illness is nothing more than a
repressed humor, an irritated spirit, which is trying to free itself.
Some demon of love has seized her mind. ”

“ Jenny Here there is no relying on oaths, on probity. Despite law and honor, women these days are often trapped. They rely on words, and are deceived. So, to protect ourselves, we must make them put their fair words in writing. It's only fair. But, what use will it be to get it in writing, if we don't enforce the contract? I see very plainly, that in this ungrateful century, one cannot hope to rely on anything that's not in writing. But, we prefer to be the sport and dupes of men.
Urania Say no more, Jenny. ”

“ I will sell myself to the devil if I know what! Tell him not to worry, and as for you, begin by getting drunk and go to bed.
Jeremy:
I will obey your orders exactly, don't fret.
(Exit Jeremy into the house)
Roger: Come, Roger, pull yourself together my boy: courage! Here we have a violent father returning impromptu from a long trip; a son in the midst of an orgy; the house in disorder full of cooks and caterers in preparation for an impending wedding—and all we have to do is prevent this from being discovered. Ah, here comes the old man. ”

“ You are at an age when your attractions will wither and disappear. The advice I'm giving you, in my zeal, is good. I intend to apply it to myself. To be an old maid is a frightful evil, far worse than all the unhappiness that marriage can cause.
(Enter Hastings and Flavella)
Hastings
Chance has led you here and saved me the trouble of finding you.
Urania Chance has favored us equally, for I have been saved the trouble of hunting you up.
Hastings Always preoccupied? Aren't you yet undeceived? Don't you— Don't you realize that your passion is a chimera and a hallucination? ”

“ Money is the sinew of love as well as war.
Worthy Don't worry. Arabella has thirty thousand crowns when she marries. If she had nothing, I would still love her a hundred times better than a rich girl with money enough to turn your head. From her earliest years, raised by my mother, her image has been graven in my heart and nothing can efface it. Our two hearts, which seem made for each other, first tasted this happy news just before my mother died. Because of this disaster, Albert, this old jealous fool that hell should confound—separated her from me, with the consent of Arabella's relatives. ”

“ Roger: Yes, yes, we've had a real white sale during his absence haven't we?
Edward: It's a little nourishment that we must take sometimes; and we will work together on more nourishment in the future.
Roger: Work by yourself because I have a bad conscience about being the instrument of your ruin. It's with my help you've been able to dissipate 10,000 pounds, not to mention another ten thousand you owe here and there to usurers and money lenders, who are just waiting to fall on us and gobble everything up when the day comes to pay them back. ”

“ Hastings
Ah, Mr. Torrington, you come just in time, and we await you eagerly.
Torrington I meet the company with pleasure, reunited on a joyful day in one place. I believe my presence won't displease. The future has great attractions. Your daughter was only lacking a husband—despite all her attractions, she was incomplete. But, now, behold the well made man love has given her. Now, she has nothing to desire.
McNaughten Except to be a widow, and see me buried. That is the finishing touch on the happiness of a woman. ”

“ Albert I told you already, with no intent to annoy, I do not have the honor to be a musician.
Arabella Why then, stupid know-nothing, do you come to interrupt a concert when your very presence causes a bad turn of events and discord? Did one ever see a donkey try to play clarinet and mix his songs with those of the tender nightingale? Never did a black crow of ill omen trouble the strains of an agreeable warbler—and never in the woods did a sinister owl sing in concert. You are nothing but a sot and never will be anything else in your whole life. ”

“ My house hasn't been sold, and it's not for sale.
Richly: There! There! Don't upset yourself, I promise you you will always have your apartment—just as if you still owned it—and as if you were in good mental health. ”

“ Spruce
What's the use of getting irritated by a madman?
McNaughten What? Does he seek me out to be the butt of his impertinences? Let him take his extravagances down another road. Let's go to Mr. Torrington without waiting any further.
Spruce Presently sir, now it would be a wasted effort. He isn't home, but he'll be back soon. In a little while, I'll return and take you to see him. A certain pressing duty calls me away suddenly.
McNaughten I will wait for you. Go, but don't delay. I need to calm down. I begin to believe everyone in this city is crazy. ”

“ Jenny
Her youth is the last straw.
Arabella There's more still. But I am of a green old age. At the age I'm at, I still don't allow myself any servants—besides, they'd charge me too much. But, do you see, my friend, do you want me to tell you? People today, they're shoddy goods—they're not worth anything, and I wouldn't bend over to pick up the lot of them.
Worthy
Is she often overcome with these vapors?
Albert
Alas, never. She must be bewitched.
Arabella At my age, I am still worth my weight in gold. My children have done me wrong. I don't look half my age. ”

“ It is true this little bourgeois hasn't an equal, and that I treat him like family, introduce him into society, teach him to gamble, educate his taste in manners, furniture, and horses. I lead him a little astray—but these little gentlemen are not very happy unless one inspires them with the manners of the court and they learn to ruin themselves in two or three years. ”

“ Flavella (aside)
I don't understand him. His mind is troubled.
McNaughten I love men of spirit more than any man in England. I, myself, am brilliant without study. I find that study is the perfect way to spoil one's youth—besides being no use, whatever. So, I've never stuck my nose in a book. When a gentleman knows how to ride and steer his horse, drink, sign his name,—he is as wise a gentleman as the late Cicero. ”

“ Jenny (to Scratch)
Do you understand?
Scratch
I begin to understand. It's what they call a fugue.
Arabella
Right.
Scratch A fugue—in music is a powerful morsel which costs a lot. (aside) We don't have much—
Arabella
We will take care of that. Let nothing else concern you.
Worthy You will see I am a good performer. And I know how to sing like an open book.
Arabella (leaving, singing)
An old tomcat—
Albert Jenny, follow her—see if it is possible to find some remedy for this terrible misfortune. ”

“ What do you mean as if I was still in good mental health! Go away,
you're an old madman, an old madman who shouldn't be allowed out of
Bedlam—of Bedlam, my friend.
Roger: (To Mrs. Prim)
Are you wise to fight with a wacko?
Richly: Oh, if that's your attitude, you can get out. The house belongs to me, and I'll put my luggage there in spite of you. Just look at this crazy old woman.
Roger: (To Richly)
What are you getting in a rage for with a woman who has lost her mind? ”