Jean-François Regnard

“ Captain Ah, Madame, my love for you is so extreme, I am sure it must last until death. And if, by a misfortune which I cannot prevent, your death should— Ah, great gods, what a frightful despair I would be in. The very thought of it possesses my soul with remorse.
Urania Let's put that lugubrious idea far away from us. To better celebrate the pleasures of our reunion, I want to dine with you tonight. This morning, I invited a friend—you'll enjoy good company.
Captain Madame, this honor is very advantageous to me. A small business matter tears me away at present, but I will soon return. ”

“ Urania Foh! Banterer! Love sometimes recalls a person who is absent to mind. Your charming portrait which, which makes all my happiness, consoled me a little during your frightful absence. Did mine have the same effect on you?
Captain Your face preoccupied me like a ghost, and followed me everywhere. Night could not hide you from my eyes. ”

“ Jenny Here there is no relying on oaths, on probity. Despite law and honor, women these days are often trapped. They rely on words, and are deceived. So, to protect ourselves, we must make them put their fair words in writing. It's only fair. But, what use will it be to get it in writing, if we don't enforce the contract? I see very plainly, that in this ungrateful century, one cannot hope to rely on anything that's not in writing. But, we prefer to be the sport and dupes of men.
Urania Say no more, Jenny. ”

“ You are at an age when your attractions will wither and disappear. The advice I'm giving you, in my zeal, is good. I intend to apply it to myself. To be an old maid is a frightful evil, far worse than all the unhappiness that marriage can cause.
(Enter Hastings and Flavella)
Hastings
Chance has led you here and saved me the trouble of finding you.
Urania Chance has favored us equally, for I have been saved the trouble of hunting you up.
Hastings Always preoccupied? Aren't you yet undeceived? Don't you— Don't you realize that your passion is a chimera and a hallucination? ”

“ McNaughten I've been looking for him for nearly an hour, in vain. I finally came to ask you to conduct me to him. Something irritating is always happening to me today.
Hastings
I am waiting for him. I believe he won't be late.
McNaughten One, after running after me, like one of my most cherished and faithful friends, asked news of my health. Another, forcefully grabbed my hand, and wanted to lead me to a tavern for supper. Then, a third, stopping me in the street, forced me to pay a debt I know nothing about. All these people confound me to Hell! As if I knew them any better than Lucifer! ”

“ Hastings
Ah, Mr. Torrington, you come just in time, and we await you eagerly.
Torrington I meet the company with pleasure, reunited on a joyful day in one place. I believe my presence won't displease. The future has great attractions. Your daughter was only lacking a husband—despite all her attractions, she was incomplete. But, now, behold the well made man love has given her. Now, she has nothing to desire.
McNaughten Except to be a widow, and see me buried. That is the finishing touch on the happiness of a woman. ”

“ Spruce
What's the use of getting irritated by a madman?
McNaughten What? Does he seek me out to be the butt of his impertinences? Let him take his extravagances down another road. Let's go to Mr. Torrington without waiting any further.
Spruce Presently sir, now it would be a wasted effort. He isn't home, but he'll be back soon. In a little while, I'll return and take you to see him. A certain pressing duty calls me away suddenly.
McNaughten I will wait for you. Go, but don't delay. I need to calm down. I begin to believe everyone in this city is crazy. ”

“ Flavella (aside)
I don't understand him. His mind is troubled.
McNaughten I love men of spirit more than any man in England. I, myself, am brilliant without study. I find that study is the perfect way to spoil one's youth—besides being no use, whatever. So, I've never stuck my nose in a book. When a gentleman knows how to ride and steer his horse, drink, sign his name,—he is as wise a gentleman as the late Cicero. ”

“ Spruce
I've nothing to say to you now, except go, quickly.
(Reluctantly, with a questioning expression, the Captain goes, hurried off by Spruce. After a moment, enter McNaughten dressed in mourning.)
Spruce Finally, you're here, sir. To keep my word I've been waiting for you by this hotel, but it's been a long time.
McNaughten Yes, indeed, here I am. I thought it was all my life was worth to get here. What a country—what a Hell! I made a thousand false turns. I've never run so many risks in my life. One cannot take a step without falling in some trap. ”

“ Urania (sighing) But, if he no longer loves me, what good is it to force him into such a sad marriage?
Jenny Who marries only for love nowadays? That was fine, when you were an adolescent. It's no crime to marry without love, and, even without respect. What's necessary is to marry! ”

“ Jenny What, then? To get the world's attention, does it take more than to wear a pretty wig? An empty head, a little whipper snapper, who admires only himself, and chatters pleasantly, because he has good manners, can plead with us about his love with complete impunity. ”

“ When I pressed him to return your portrait, he wanted to beat me. And, I believe he would have, if his valet, a man of softer disposition, hadn't diverted his rage. Oh, M'am, arm yourself with courage—follow your point, and be valiant. Pursue your rights. You have him in your power. You have his promise in writing. He'll have to make good on it.
Urania
If I don't make him, let Heaven punish me. ”

“ McNaughten Such good souls to love me without having seen me! I never would have believed it.
Bronlow We owe it to you, sir. And for very good reason. You've been a friend of our house for a very long time.
McNaughten (to Spruce, low)
Who is this man?
Spruce (low) He's—he's a visionary. A type of lunatic—with a pleasant character (making it up as he goes along, and becoming more and more inspired) —who believes everyone he meets owes him money. It's his folly to greet everyone he meets and present them with a promissory note—and to demand payment. ”

“ We could really use that sixty thousand pounds.
Captain
To have them, we will have to use all our skill. They belong to me as
much as to my brother. We must prevent my brother from meeting old
Torrington. Go—run—find out—don't lose a minute.
Spruce You know my zeal and eagerness. If he's in London, I have faithful friends who will know of it in less than an hour.
Captain I am going to Urania. Unfortunately, she knows I am back. I must still pretend to burn with love for her. She has no idea I'm aflame for Flavella. You know what Urania is like—the old girl loves to break men's hearts. ”

“ Wealth comes to you from all sides. Please, let me look over the notes. Beautiful engraving, excellent workmanship. Pretty names. Superb style. Freely negotiable—not like love letters on cheap paper where love distills itself in faded oaths, and idle nonsense.
Captain I know their worth better than you. But, just as the money did little for me in the past, I hope, in the future, that it will serve me the same way it does others.
Spruce You don't know how luck has favored you. Your brother was just here, and the Squire who loaned you a hundred pounds, suddenly appeared, asking for the money. ”

“ Spruce I've been watching this door, and no one has come out. My master has had time to get his money and run. And I, diligent accomplice that I am, wait here to make sure that the brother doesn't spoil things by running to Torrington and discovering this mystery. Already, a creditor has embarrassed me. It's laughable to think all that's happened. I've put things into the hands of a man with an ardent imagination. God, if McNaughten were a bit less headstrong and argumentative, he'd have seen through it all by now. Thank Heaven for passionate people. But I see Jenny coming. ”

“ Hastings
Will you take a position at court or in the Army?
McNaughten My mind is not made up. Court has many powerful attractions—provided the routine doesn't fatigue me. War also has its attractions. Because savants versed in astrology have assured me that I will live to be at least a hundred, necessarily I will not die on the battle field. My name will be famous throughout Europe. But still, there are so few wars these days. I really want to fulfill my destiny. If I only knew what it was. I really love to live.
Spruce
You are very wise.
Flavella
What a speech! What nonsense! ”

“ Spruce For the moment, sir, I have nothing to say. Let me get my breath a moment, please—I'm totally winded.
Captain Do you always intend to put me in a fury and then play with me? I don't know what prevents me from giving you a beating. What, you rogue, just to go off to the custom house to get my trunk, takes you all day?
Spruce Oh, sir, customs inspectors are terrible men. All the savages in the world are less barbarous. They can only talk in monosyllables. "yes, no, what, sir? I have no time. But, sir— Would you kindly open up—" They need maybe a hundred words in their vocabulary. ”

“ McNaughten
You're joking, sir.
Torrington
And, in his headstrong character you find frankness of heart.
McNaughten (genially) I will be even with you. It's you to whom virtues are social conventions. I would praise you equally, if I had your facility with words.
Torrington
If, as I believe, we are all agreed, we can proceed.
Urania (sweetly) No need to hurry. I am opposed, if you please, to this pretty marriage, and for a very good reason.
Hastings You can tell us your reasons and your griefs tomorrow, sister. Don't prevent us from doing our business. ”

“ Captain
I've promised in writing to marry Urania.
Spruce Banish all thought of that engagement. If you were to marry all the women you've promised to marry, you would be a bigamist many times over. Now to work! You must dress like your brother. He's wearing mourning, a little frayed. His wig's a little different than yours, but you really don't need to change much. You must get into mourning, without wasting any time. ”

“ The airs that old woman puts on are really insufferable. In fact, she's crazy and loves to be flattered.
Spruce
You're just the man for that, if I may say so, sir.
Captain What a ray of hope breaks through for my love. While I'm still uncertain what to do about my brother, I'd best manage her. Go back to the customs house, to the stage coach.
Spruce
If I'm not mistaken, here comes Urania and Jenny now.
Captain
Go, quickly, where I send you.
(Exit Spruce)
(Enter Urania and Jenny, her maid)
Urania What a joy. We will see Captain McNaughten again today. I cannot stay put. ”

“ It's a hideous thing that cries to heaven for vengeance. Abuse like this is grounds for revoking the license we give men. Even if you don't want to marry him to avenge yourself, you must do it to enrage him, and to satisfy the rest of us! ”

“ I believe that in this city, the Devil has finally settled on his abode.
Spruce
Oh, London is a tumultuous, noisy place.
McNaughten Really! I'd much prefer to be at a Black Sabbath. A woods full of robbers is a hundred times more secure. My trunk was taken by someone else. I've lost fifteen pounds—and some love letters, too. ”

“ My brother is coming to London in response to this letter, and, just like me, put his trunk on the coach. And, of course, the name and address caused your error. I conclude, therefor, not very cleverly, that my brother is, perhaps, already in London.
Spruce That's probably right. I am stupefied by the surprising effects of chance. Necessity caused me to make a mistake, and our fortune will spring from my stupidity. In a single day, we find a decrepit old uncle buried—who leaves behind him a fortune, which in life, he prevented you from attaining. ”

“ Jenny
Why make such a big fuss over a portrait.
Spruce Because, we were in big trouble not long ago. Once burned, twice shy. Fortunately, an uncle—a very honest man, has helped us out, by voluntarily descending to the underworld quicker than we could say his name. He has saved us in a very timely fashion, by making us heirs to sixty thousand pounds. ”

“ Urania That's not a bad idea. Your daughter is getting big, you know. People ask me how I can have such a grown up niece.
Hastings And our solicitor, Mr. Torrington, whose zeal for our family, you know, has found a good match for her. A young man endowed with wit and character—who possesses more than sixty thousand pounds which he has just inherited from an uncle. Torrington is the trustee of the estate, and has written me that the young heir will arrive today. ”

“ Captain (reading the letter) "I await you, sir, to pay you the sixty thousand pounds which your uncle has left you by his will, and to marry you to Miss Flavella Hastings, of whom I have spoken to you several times in my letters. The lady likes you very much, and her father is very determined on this marriage. Don't waste time in getting to London. Your very humble servant, Charles Torrington."
Spruce
Now, I begin to see—
Captain Torrington is the name of the honest solicitor who worked for my father. ”

“ Flavella True, but wisdom comes with age. I know the danger now. Today, husbands are, for the most part, jealous and unfaithful. They want a woman to marry their caprices. The best husbands are those with only a FEW vices.
Hastings But, he's a very nice, young man. ”

“ Flavella
It's true. I'm very often ashamed for her.
Hastings I am afraid that this woman, with her unaccountable temper may come here and cause some misfortune.
(Enter McNaughten and Spruce)
Spruce (to McNaughten) Yes, sir, here they are: the father and daughter, together. You can speak with both of them about your affair.
Hastings Ah, sir, my daughter and I must beg your pardon for my sister and her wild delusions. You conceive, sir, that women, like little girls, sometimes have spirits that go against their family. ”