Jean-François Regnard

“ Albert You seem to me to have the air of one of those rogues who prowl around to rob houses at night.
Scratch You don't know me, sir. I have other things on my mind. While Fortune prevents me from having wealth, it has given me marvelous secrets for curing ills. I amuse myself by seeking medicinal herbs around here.
Albert (surprised)
Medicinal herbs?
Scratch Yes, sir. All my life, I've made a profession of chemistry. As sure as you see me, there are no diseases I cannot cure—stone, coughs, vertigo, hysteria, heart disease, cancer. I've even been accused of using magic. ”

“ Albert I told you already, with no intent to annoy, I do not have the honor to be a musician.
Arabella Why then, stupid know-nothing, do you come to interrupt a concert when your very presence causes a bad turn of events and discord? Did one ever see a donkey try to play clarinet and mix his songs with those of the tender nightingale? Never did a black crow of ill omen trouble the strains of an agreeable warbler—and never in the woods did a sinister owl sing in concert. You are nothing but a sot and never will be anything else in your whole life. ”

“ Let widows mourn—let lovers cry! Children, follow me, raise your spirits. I see your courage shine in your faces. Let all here feel the horror and the carnage. Fix bayonets! Firmly—good. The rogues don't dare face us. Ah—cowards, you flee— No—no quarter— flee. (faints)
Scratch
In a short while, the blood will flow properly again.
Albert (beside himself)
Her wit's gone, without hope of return.
Scratch
Everything's ready. In my opinion, her illness is nothing more than a
repressed humor, an irritated spirit, which is trying to free itself.
Some demon of love has seized her mind. ”

“ Jenny (laughing) Ah, my word, sir, you flatter yourself if you think that leaving your sad company will make me suffer the least pang. A school boy leaving his tutor, a woman a long time celibate who leaves her relatives to get married—a slave who leaves the hands of his masters, an old prisoner who breaks his chains after thirty years, an heir who sees his uncle give up the ghost, a husband when the plague takes his plaguey wife—doesn't have half the pleasure I take in receiving from you this happy discharge. ”

“ Albert You deceive yourself, sir. The air around here is decidedly bad for your health. I owe it to myself to tell you that you will become very ill if you stay here for a long time. It is dangerous and mortal to wayfarers.
Arabella Alas, nothing is more true. Since I've breathed this air, I languish night and day in a cruel martyrdom.
Scratch Just give me the same wine as our innkeeper broke open today, and I will stand my ground defying fever, apoplexy, and a hundred years of age to the end of my life. ”

“ Money is the sinew of love as well as war.
Worthy Don't worry. Arabella has thirty thousand crowns when she marries. If she had nothing, I would still love her a hundred times better than a rich girl with money enough to turn your head. From her earliest years, raised by my mother, her image has been graven in my heart and nothing can efface it. Our two hearts, which seem made for each other, first tasted this happy news just before my mother died. Because of this disaster, Albert, this old jealous fool that hell should confound—separated her from me, with the consent of Arabella's relatives. ”

“ Insupportable to all, odious to himself, everybody to deceive him pretends to be extremely pleased, but wishes that it was permitted to smother him like a raging monster escaped from hell.—That's the way one ordinarily speaks in the world. But, for me, I take the contrary position, and say that it's a gallant man who shows so much love through his jealous transports and sees himself come to life when yielding to his penchant. ”

“ Jenny
Her youth is the last straw.
Arabella There's more still. But I am of a green old age. At the age I'm at, I still don't allow myself any servants—besides, they'd charge me too much. But, do you see, my friend, do you want me to tell you? People today, they're shoddy goods—they're not worth anything, and I wouldn't bend over to pick up the lot of them.
Worthy
Is she often overcome with these vapors?
Albert
Alas, never. She must be bewitched.
Arabella At my age, I am still worth my weight in gold. My children have done me wrong. I don't look half my age. ”

“ Jenny
Who knows better than I? Didn't I tell you so, didn't I tell you that?
(Arabella sings a little prelude.)
Scratch
I like that, sir. Her madness is a little racy.
Albert (concerned)
Her eyes are troubled, and her face is haggard.
Arabella (presenting her hand to Albert, then roughly pulling it away, while letting Worthy kiss the other) I love artists! Touch it! Touch it! The tune you will hear is in A minor. It's my favorite. Music is lively, bizarre, petulant, and very enjoyable. The movement is light, new, quick and forceful. ”

“ Jenny (to Scratch)
Do you understand?
Scratch
I begin to understand. It's what they call a fugue.
Arabella
Right.
Scratch A fugue—in music is a powerful morsel which costs a lot. (aside) We don't have much—
Arabella
We will take care of that. Let nothing else concern you.
Worthy You will see I am a good performer. And I know how to sing like an open book.
Arabella (leaving, singing)
An old tomcat—
Albert Jenny, follow her—see if it is possible to find some remedy for this terrible misfortune. ”

“ In the state I am in, I ought to consent to anything: when one loves completely one takes all risks.
Worthy I take it as a pleasure to do you this good turn. At all times one ought to do good deeds. Today's patient made me pity her too much for me not to show you signs of friendship. The man in question will be here soon. I wanted to test him and understand his knowledge of this malady. But he spoke to me in terms so precise, explaining to me the cause and effect, that in all truth, I believe he knows more than anyone else.
Albert Sir, what service can equal yours? ”

“ When one intends, you see, for a siege to succeed, one must prevent anything from entering, know the surroundings, learn its weaknesses and its strengths. When one is well informed about what's happening, one digs a trench, bombards the place, overthrows a rampart—makes a breach—advances in good order—and gives the assault. One strangles, massacres, kills, steals, and pillages. It's almost the same when one takes a young woman. Right, sir? ”

“ Traitorous ravishers—you will be hanged! And you, deceitful sex— more to be feared than fire, plague, famine, and war—you ought to be cursed by all men. I consign you forever to the devil. Let him take you! ”

“ I believe that I am going to become mad, too.
(Arabella exits, followed by Jenny and Albert.)
Worthy (standing aside, opening the letter) They've gone in. Let's read. "You will be surprised by the part I am taking, but the slavery in which I find myself becomes harder each day, and I believe it permits me to dare anything. You, on your part, try to deliver me from the tyranny of a man I hate as much as I love you." What do you say, I beg you, about all you've seen of this madness?
Scratch I admire the resources of feminine wit when it is ignited by the imp of love. ”

“ Arabella No, sir, stay till tomorrow. Postpone going on your way, and we will put you in good company. The roads are unlucky and filthy.
Albert
So much ceremony! Come, quickly—go in.
Jenny Yes, yes, I'm going in. But, before these gentlemen, I tell you plainly to stop the humiliations you impose on us. We haven't seen even the shadow of a hat for six months in this new fangled cloister. Any man who comes around here is interdicted. Everything in this house is subject to inspection. Sometimes we think the world has come to an end. No one comes her except they be of the female sex. ”

“ Albert Do you know that after having employed persuasion, I also know how to employ intimidation?
Jenny Storm, swear, howl—go into a fit, you will only hear me repeat again, that a jealous man is a frightful thing—a thing one would cheerfully see buried a hundred feet underground. There is nothing more hideous— not Satan, Lucifer, and the many other gentleman-inhabitants of hell. They are much more handsome, charming, love-killers—less cruel and less insupportable—than certain jealous creatures such as one sees about here. ”

“ All night he prowls like a frenzied wolf. He doesn't permit us to close our eyes. As for him, when he sleeps, one eye's shut, the other's watching. He never laughed in his life. He's jealous, stupid, brutal to the extreme, miserly, hard, peevish. ”

“ Scratch This violent demon from which we must save her is very strong and could take her from us. If I only had a subject in whom I could make this spirit of madness enter, I could quite answer for it.
Albert Jenny is a perfect subject. No need to search further. She'll serve our turn.
Jenny I kiss your hands—and give you my word, I'll do not such thing. I am already crazy enough.
Worthy
Hurry up. Her illness augments every minute.
Scratch
Curses. This isn't a child's game. One cannot proceed too carefully.
When a demon gets in a man's body, I can get it out easily enough. ”

“ Ah, Marquis, it's fortunate I find you in this place. I've come to say goodbye to you. I've found money to finance my campaign— and this very night I leave for Germany!
Albert
Heavens—what mental aberration! ”

“ Worthy Because you are jealous, does that mean you are prevented from having a tender and sensitive heart? Without being a little jealous one cannot be a lover. They say a jealous man who quarrels without cease is more a tyrant than a lover to a beautiful woman. Ceaselessly, agitated by fury or boredom, he takes pleasure in the malady of another. ”

“ Scratch is prepared for all he must do. Some help with money will be necessary for us.
(Enter Albert.)
Albert I cannot stay in this place a single moment. I come, I go, I run about. Everything increases my torment. Near her, my wit is troubled like hers. Her access of madness redoubles every moment. (seeing Worthy) Ah, sir, am I sufficiently numbered amongst those who are considered your friends that I can rely on the aid you have promised me? Will this man who boasted to me of his talents use his experience? ”

“ Gentlemen, the defenders of women, debonair husbands, soft courtiers, powdered blondes—and all those who are searching the town for a woman whose husband gives them easy access—tell everybody I'm a brute, a jealous husband. ”

“ I am sure, body for body, it is in good hands.
(Exit Jenny.)
Albert You see how this folly grows. Your man doesn't come, and I'm getting worried.
Worthy I don't know what's keeping him. He ought to be here. But, relax, I see him coming.
(Enter Scratch.)
Albert
Ah! Sir, come. We both await your arrival with impatience.
Scratch A wise philosopher said elegantly: In all things make haste slowly. I've been doing research for some time to determine if the malady whose remedy we are seeking resides in the upper or lower regions. Hippocrates says yes, but Galen says no. ”

“ I've got to call them, so that the workman can act at leisure. When I've satisfied my prudence in this matter—they will have to resolve to be patient. Hola! Someone! Come under these thick trees and take the air with me for several minutes.
(Enter Jenny and Arabella.)
Jenny Here's unseasonable fruit. What favorable demon causes you to greet her so softly and your humor to be so tractable? By your astonishing command, we can go out today for the first time in six months.
Albert We have to change places sometimes. Sometimes, in life, the most charming resort bores us. ”

“ In this matter, Jenny, the maid, is in our interests.
Scratch So much the better. The more intelligence one has of the city, the more hope one has of success. One must take it noiselessly—without drums. All night help comes. Make her signals, so she'll understand.
Worthy Come, let's discover ways to take it. And, so as not to arouse suspicions, let's avoid remaining around here too long.
Scratch As chief engineer and master of artillery, I am going to see where I ought to place my batteries—to punch a hole in Albert and oblige him to surrender the place quickly or withstand our assault. ”

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“ Worthy I won't guarantee this profound science. You know that these people come from all over like Gypsies, carrying treasured remedies for all sorts of ills. It's much, if they don't claim to have resuscitated the dead ”