Julia M. Dewey

“ How to eat is of much more importance than many young people think, inasmuch as it is a certain test of delicacy and refinement. If a person eats immoderately fast, no one truly refined will set him down as a gentleman. If one defies the regulations which society has made relative to table manners, he is classed as decidedly ill-bred or ignorant. It is well to study the etiquette of the table, and to put in use those practices that have been decided by the best society as being proper. ”

“ Young people sometimes seem to think good manners are to be put on as fine clothes are, not for every-day wear, but for company only. Those who put this theory into practice will find that good manners fit them in company no better than garments cut for some one else. If manners really spring from a kind heart, they will be practised everywhere. Good manners in school continually practised will soon become a habit. Courteous pupils rarely need reprimand or reproof. They treat their teacher as they would a friend, and in this way help greatly in making the school pleasant and profitable. ”

“ Family intimacy should never make brothers and sisters forget to be polite and sympathizing to each other. Those who contract thoughtless and rude habits towards members of their own families will be rude and thoughtless towards all the world. But let the family intercourse be true, tender, and affectionate, and the manners of all uniformly gentle and considerate, and the members of a family thus trained will carry into the world and society the habits of their childhood. ”

“ With this truth in mind one can hardly attach too much importance to punctilious politeness on the teacher’s part in his intercourse with pupils. But however polite a teacher may be, the informal or unconscious teaching of manners is not enough. The school-room does not afford opportunity to exemplify all the necessary practices in good manners, and there is no other way but to teach the various requirements of an accepted code with reference to actual examples that may present themselves at any time in life. ”

“ In teaching manners to young children there is no better example to be followed than that of a careful mother, who takes advantage of incidents of every-day life to impress a truth upon the mind of her child. By such means the ideal standard is kept in close relation to the child’s conduct until it is taken up and assimilated into his nature. For this reason it is better to begin the definite teaching of manners with reference to the school, and as far as possible to allow actual occurrences to suggest or illustrate the point to be considered. ”

“ There is perhaps no more unrefining influence unconsciously exerted by a teacher than that of a loud voice. Emerson says, “Loudness is rude, quietness always genteel,” and in nothing is the truth more apparent than in the voice. ”

“ In a right conception of good breeding the moral element predominates. With this idea in view, no one should attempt to instruct in good manners who has not the ability to instil into the minds of children its fundamental principles. True courtesy implies strict honor, self-possession, forbearance, generous and refined feeling, all culminating in a polished deportment.
When teachers consider manners in this high sense, and teach them accordingly, they give their pupils that which will bring them much more happiness in life than any amount of knowledge teaching without it. ”

“ The Lesson.
Some one says “True politeness consists in making every one happy about you.” It is true that forgetfulness of self and thoughtfulness of the comfort and happiness of others makes one’s behavior very acceptable to others. A kind heart is undoubtedly the foundation of good manners; but if this be so, there are other qualities of equal importance that form a superstructure on which good manners rest. We use the term gentleman and lady with reference to outward appearance, but they also imply that a person is honest and true and refined. ”

“ As children are close imitators, if teachers speak in a loud and dictatorial manner, so will their pupils.
A teacher’s voice should be as melodious as nature permits, and its effect should be heightened by all the modulations and intonations used in polite conversation. Suitable language voiced in this manner not only has a [16] most refining influence on the character and manners of pupils, but is often the only instrumentality needed in the formal “government” of the school.
3. A teacher should assume no attitude in a school-room which is not proper for the pupils. ”

“ It is a mark of good manners to show courtesy to servants or to any in humble stations in life. A polite request is always better than a stern command. Whoever shows disregard of the feelings of a servant or one in humble station, gives unmistakable proof of ill-breeding. ”

“ Oftentimes pupils seem to regard it as no impoliteness to interrupt a teacher either by inattention, disorder, or questions, when a lesson is in progress. There are times when certain questions relative to lessons are in order, but irrelevant questions, or unnecessary requests, or hand-raising or shaking before a teacher has finished speaking, are just as impolite in a school-room as elsewhere. ”

“ A gentleman is never unduly familiar; takes no liberties; is chary of questions; is neither artificial nor affected; is as little obtrusive upon the mind or feelings of others as on their persons; bears himself tenderly toward the weak and unprotected; is not arrogant; cannot be supercilious; can be self-denying without struggle; is not vain of his advantages; habitually subordinates his lower to his higher self ”

“ Children are very susceptible either to smiles or frowns, and both should be used with discretion. Approving smiles, like approving words, may be given as rewards, but a too liberal use detracts from their value. It may seem to be setting up an ideal standard to say that when in the school-room an angry or a petulant look should never come upon a teacher’s face. It is sometimes necessary to express regret, sorrow, or severity in this manner, but anger and irritability never, as that shows lack of self-control ”

“ When they are given without comment they should be impressed on the memory of the child by calling for frequent repetitions of items, and by patient and continued enforcement of directions, whenever the occasion presents itself. The connection between the direction and the spirit of kindness should be traced whenever it is possible to do so. Lessons on manners in school may be taken as a guide when it is thought best to enlarge upon any item. Whether or not a lesson be given to the younger children on the importance of attending to personal habits may be left to the discretion of a teacher. ”

“ Purpose.—To specify some particulars of street manners.
Method.—Item read with or without comment.
The Lesson.
No polite person will indulge in loud or boisterous conduct on the street. Loud talk or laughter is very ill-mannered. Only a quiet demeanor is allowable, and one who indulges in any other is guilty of rudeness. A complaint often made against pupils is that they are inclined to be rude and selfish in not giving those whom they meet their due share of the walk in passing. Oftentimes boys in their play are so heedless as to jostle against those passing on the sidewalk. ”

“ It is considered impolite for people to gather in groups or crowds on the sidewalk and to obstruct the way. If two people meet who wish to converse with each other, one should turn and walk in the direction in which the other is going. It is not considered proper to stop for conversation on the street.
7. It is not the custom of well-bred people to chew gum, nor to eat fruit, nuts, or anything else, on the street.
8. One of the rudest things a boy or girl can do is to call out to a teacher or other person on the street. It is only the most ill-bred who will do it. The law can punish for it. ”

“ Whatever has been said in reference to cleanliness in school applies out of school as well. Cleanliness is a pretty certain sign of good breeding. Every consideration of health and good taste and refinement urges to cleanliness. ”

“ Teachers should watch their tones and words with great care. It is not enough that expressions should be grammatical, but they should be devoid of anything inelegant. All proprieties of speech should be observed, even (or especially) with the youngest children. Severe expressions, arising from lack of self-control on the part of the teacher, are productive of demoralization in the school, and have a most unrefining effect on the pupils. ”

“ I cannot speak, and it is not well to be proud, but I am full of good things that are hidden within me, and that gladly come forth to give cheer and comfort. But you, you have nothing in you but noise, and you must be struck to make you give that out. ”

“ Teachers should not indulge in modes of discipline that are unrefining in their tendencies. Happily the old [18] barbaric modes of punishment are passing away. If complete abolition of corporal punishment does not seem feasible, any teacher ought to be possessed of sufficient delicacy and refinement to avoid making such punishment public. ”

“ Whenever it is possible, every direction in manners should be exemplified in the school-room. When the school-room does not furnish illustrations, directions should be made as real as possible to the youngest pupils, as, for instance, they should actually be shown how to hold the fork, how to drink from a tumbler, how to enter a room, etc. ”

“ Good manners are based on kindness, and a kind heart will lead any one to contribute as much as possible to the enjoyment of all.
5. One should give respectful and kindly attention to another who is talking to him. No matter if the conversation is not of great interest, it should be listened to without interruption. This is especially true when elderly people talk to those younger. When it is necessary to discontinue the conversation, one should ask to be excused. ”

“ All pupils should help to put things in their proper places and to keep the school-room in order. This is kindness and politeness.
4. Boys should always take off their hats before entering a school-room, and should not put them on at dismissal, until they reach the outside door. If a teacher should stand at that door, hats should not be put on until the teacher is passed. When boys meet a teacher in the street they should always raise their hats, whether the teacher be a gentleman or a lady. ”

“ When pupils are old enough, if not provided with a text-book on manners, it is well for them to make a note of the directions given.
4. The time given to this subject must be regulated by the other work in the school. A few minutes daily will amount to a great deal in the course of years.
5. A plan that has been successfully pursued is to allow ten minutes for the opening exercises of school, and to make a brief lesson in manners a part of these exercises. It is not the aim of the author that the illustrative lessons shall be arbitrarily followed. ”

“ Many people have a habit of continually feeling of the face or hair. This is not a mark of refinement of manners, and should not be indulged in. “Fussing” with anything, twirling things, drumming, should be avoided. When the hands are not necessarily employed, they should be kept quiet.
4. The feet should not be kept constantly and unnecessarily [75] in motion, nor should they be brought into notice when possible to avoid it. Young ladies should not sit with the feet extended and crossed. No one should sit with the feet on the rounds of a chair. ”

“ If a gentleman is walking or driving with a lady acquaintance, he should take off his hat to any lady whom she recognizes.
4. When a lady accidentally drops anything in the street, any gentleman near, whether an acquaintance or not, should pick it up and hand it to her. The lady should not fail to acknowledge the courtesy. As the gentleman passes on, he should touch his hat to the lady. This civility of picking up things or assisting in any way should be shown to elderly and infirm people by girls as well as by boys. ”

“ It is to be remembered that many children have no opportunity of obtaining a knowledge of good manners, either by practice or precept, except as it is afforded by the schools. And as habits formed in childhood are the most enduring, a lack of early training in good manners will show itself as long as life lasts. ”

“ He does not wait for his mother to call him, but when it is time he springs out of bed, and is ready in time for his breakfast, and gets his work done, and starts for school with a happy face, and arrives there in time for a game with his school-mates and a pleasant word with his teacher before school begins. ”

“ There are, of course, certain usages peculiar to a school-room which would not be considered in order elsewhere, because unnecessary; but, generally speaking, good manners in a school-room and in a parlor are the same.
3. Pupils should be kind and thoughtful in assisting teachers whenever it is possible, by handing anything needed, or by waiting upon them in any way. Boys, especially, should be quick to offer help in erasing blackboards, in lifting heavy articles, or in picking up anything accidentally dropped. ”

“ One who has a habit of keeping the mouth open continually is considered weak mentally, if not physically.
7. Incessant smiling or laughing is silly and disagreeable. Smiling or laughing is allowable when there is something to laugh at. Giggling is unpardonable. Hearty laughter is allowable in some places, but boisterous laughter never. As a general thing the countenance should be kept in repose. This implies neither a silly nor a stern expression, but one indicative of kindness and common sense.
8. A loud or otherwise disagreeable voice is not a mark of the best manners. ”

“ Young people should realize that these matters, although seemingly trifling, are sufficient to show whether they have been accustomed to polite society or not. There is nothing which tells more quickly. Minute attention to personal habits gives one an air of refinement and attractiveness which can be gained in no other way. ”

“ Nothing can compensate for the lack of manliness in a man, and womanliness in a woman. The man may be a capable business man, an eloquent speaker, and accomplished scholar; but if he lacks manliness, he remains only half a man. ”