Walter Emanuel

“ Neither the French, Russian, Belgian, nor British troops like the idea of fighting against the mere youths whom a paternal Kaiser is now sending in to the firing line, and a humane suggestion has been put forward for correcting this embarrassment. Would it not be possible, it is asked, to arrange Boys' Own Battles, in which the German little ones would be opposed by the young of the Allies? ”

“ The Committee of the Masters of the Foxhounds Association have decided that, while regular hunting will be impossible, they consider it would be most prejudicial to the country in general if it were allowed to lapse altogether. In this, we understand, the Committee and the foxes to not see eye to eye, the latter taking the view that hunting men ought now to devote their entire attention to more important matters. ”

“ I am convinced we are going to win. No good could ever come to a man who wears an out-of-date moustache like the Kaiser... Oh, certainly I am in favour of the War. Why, I have just ordered several pairs of khaki spats... Believe me, I wish our soldier-fellows well, and in my opinion they ought to be encouraged. I met a lot of 'em trudging along in Pall Mall yesterday, poor devils of Territorials, I fancy, and I waved my stick to 'em. Nothing would please me more than to see the country to which that impudent manicurist has returned receive a thrashing. ”

“ The London Fire Brigade Committee has decided to ignore a demand from the Corporation Workers' Union for the reinstatement of a fireman who refused to obey an order on the ground that it involved too great a danger to him. For ourselves we are surprised at the moderation of the Union. We should have expected them to insist also on a medal for life-saving being bestowed on the man. ”

“ The crafty coward wags her tail, pretending she likes it, so I do it again, and then she rounds on me, and scratches my paw viciously, drawing blood, and making me howl with pain. This brings Miss Brown down in a hurry. She kisses me, tells the cat she is a naughty cat (I’d have killed her for it) , gives me some sugar, and wraps the paw up in a bread-poultice. Lord, how that girl loves me! ”

“ Paul's Cathedral and Westminster Abbey should be covered over with dark cloths every night, and that shoddy reproductions of these edifices should be run up in another part of London, and be brilliantly illuminated so as to attract the attention of the enemy. ”

“ In a letter published by a German newspaper a Landwehr officer writes:—"On the German front officers and men do not salute in the usual way, but by saying, 'God punish England', while the reply is, 'May He punish England'". This admission that! the Germans themselves cannot do it is significant. ”

“ It is feared, however, that with the advance of fashion the principal character—who on this occasion was attired in pink fleshings draped with white chiffon—will be voted overdressed and so fail to attract.
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"To be well booted," says The Times, "is to feel well dressed, at the top of one's power and joy." A small boy, however, who was well booted by a larger boy the other day admits that he received a good dressing, but holds that, apart from this, The Times was misinformed. ”

“ We learn from a German paper that, since the brave Ottomans have discovered that their Culture and that of the Germans are one, many Englishmen who live in Crescents are crying out in fury for an alteration of their addresses. ”

“ It is so frequently stated that the leaders of the German Army attach no importance to the lives of their men that it seems only fair to point out that last week Brussels was fined £200,000 for wounding a couple of German police men. ”

“ We learn from The Daily Call that, in proportion to the number of its inhabitants, Bâle is the richest city in Europe. The Swiss, we fancy, will scarcely thank our contemporary for drawing attention to this fact in view of the well-known cupidity of a certain neighbour of theirs. ”

“ My friend is an artist, and as such is accustomed to use his eyes. The other day he saw a smartly dressed man whom he conceived to be a German spy, for, besides wearing an alien aspect, he carried a walking-stick which tapered suspiciously on the way down, and near the top of it was an obvious little catch. ”

“ The German papers publish the statement that a Breslau merchant has offered 30,000 marks to the German soldier who, weapon in hand, shall be the first to place his feet on British soil. By a characteristic piece of sharp practice the reward, it will be noted, is offered to the man personally and would not be payable to his next of kin. ”

“ Some of the German newspapers have been organising a symposium on the subject of how to spend the coming Christmas. Herr Arthur von Gwinner, director of the Deutsche Bank, is evidently something of a humourist. "More than ever," he says, "in the exercise of works of love and charity." We rather doubt whether the Herr Direktor's irony will be appreciated in high quarters. ”

“ Impressed, no doubt, by the recent sale of two German warships to Turkey, he gives voice to the following opinion in a leader:—"Our Fleet to-day is supreme; but no one knows when an auction may take place..."
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It has suddenly become more imperative than ever that the War should be finished quickly. A publishing firm has issued the first volume of a history of the war with an announcement that it will be completed in four volumes at a fixed price. ”

“ Husbands all over the world who have on occasions been pressed into their wives' service as maids, only to learn that they were clumsy boobies, would like to have the name of the arbiter of fashion who is responsible for this innovation, as there is some thought of erecting a statue to him. ”

“ It is curious how in war time really important occurrences are apt to escape one's notice. For example, it was not until we read an article in a contemporary last week on "The Demise of the Slim Skirt" that we realised that Fat Skirts were not the vogue. ”

“ One can understand a Frenchman objecting to being collared by an Austrian.
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It is, as is well known, an ill wind that blows no one any good. As a result of the War the proceedings of the British Association are not being reported at their usual length in our newspapers.
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Another little advantage arising out of the War seems to have escaped notice. Owing to the face that such Germans as are left among us eat much more quietly than formerly in order not to attract attention to themselves, it is now possible to hear an orchestra at a restaurant. ”

“ Among "Businesses for Sale" in The Daily Chronicle, we come across what looks like an ugly example of military venality:--"General for Sale, taking £16 a week; going cheap."
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Finally, we have the pleasure to award first honorary prize in our Pathetic Advertisement Competition to the following—also from The Daily Chronicle:—
"Fish (Fried) and Chips for Sale, owing to wife's illness: only one in neighbourhood."
We trust that the advertiser's addiction to monogamy is not confined to the neighbourhood. ”

“ Cecil Chisholm, in his biography of our Commander-in-Chief, draws attention to the fact that both Sir John French and General Joffre are square men. This, no doubt, accounts for the difficulty the enemy has in getting round them. ”

“ The London General Omnibus Company is appointing one lady and number of men to act as interpreters and guides. Their costumes, we should, will attract a considerable amount of attention, for the lady, we are told, will wear a braided frock coat and black skirt and straw-topped peak hat, while the men will work in double shifts. ”

“ Our choleric contemporary is evidently unaware that we are allowing German prisoners to reside in Olympia, which is the next best thing to Olympus.
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The British steamer Remuera reported on reaching Plymouth last week that a German cruiser had attempted to trap her by means of a false S.O.S. signal. We ought not, we suppose, to be surprised at a low trick like this from the s.o.s.sidges.
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There is one quality that no one can with justice deny to the Germans, and that is thoroughness. ”

“ According to La France Militaire the French Navy is about to try the experiment of enlisting black sailors. We should say that they will be found to make the most admirable stokers, not showing the dirt like the white men. ”

“ This is unfortunate for the Germans, for if ever they needed a miracle it is now.
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"Information that has come into our possession," says The Grocer, "proves to our satisfaction that Germany has been receiving plentiful supplies of tea from our shores through neutral countries since the outbreak of hostilities." The italics are ours: the satisfaction appears to be our contemporary's.
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A cynic sends us a tip for the recruiting department of our army. "Why go for the single man?" he asks. "We may expect just as much courage from the married man. He has already proved his pluck." ”

“ An original production of Everyman is to be given at the Cathedral Hall, Westminster, on the 12th, 13th and 14th instant, in aid of the Actors' Benevolent Fund. We trust that Everyman will do his duty and bring in a large sum for this admirable object.
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The French authorities have seized ten race-horses stabled at St. Symphorien, near Tours, which belonged to M. Mumm, of the famous champagne firm, who is a German subject. Motto for those Germans who were captured speechless in the neighbourhood of Rheims:—"Mumm's the word!" ”

“ Even war has its humours, "In the midst of perfect peace the enemy surprises us," is a sentence from a proclamation not by the King of the Belgians but by the German Kaiser.
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Wilhelm II. is said to be extremely annoyed in his capacity as a British Admiral that he is not being kept fully informed as to the movements of our Fleet. ”

“ We understand that a new version of the Kaiser's famous "Yellow Peril" cartoon (it bore the inscription "Nations of Europe, protext your property!") is in preparation at Tokio, in which a jaundiced Kaiser is delineated as the Yellow Peril.
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Those persons who complain that the Allies are too frequently on the defensive forget that it is very difficult to be as offensive as the Germans.
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The report that among the troops which entered Brussels was a bear dressed up in infamous taste to represent the King of the Belgians is denied in Germany. ”

“ We still have to go to Germany for news about our own country. The latest reliable report is to the effect that there is now serious friction between King George and Lord Kitchener, the former having become alarmed at the raising of "Kitchener's Army." The War Minister, the King fears, is aiming at the throne, and it is now being recalled that Lord Kitchener, when a young man, was once told by a soothsayer, "K stands for King." ”

“ A Sikh non-commissioned officer has, according to The Central News, delivered himself of the following saying:—"Power is to kings, but time belongs to the gods. The Indians know how to wait." This will no doubt call forth an indignant rejoinder from the Teutonic Waiters' Association. ”

“ It does not say much for the enterprise of our English newspapers that we should have had to go all the way to India for a reference to what must have been an exceedingly clever capture of one of the enemy. ”