A. A. Milne

“ ONE OF THE PLAYERS
"Do I know everybody?" I asked Myra towards the end of the dinner, looking round the table.
"I think so," said Myra. "If there's anybody you don't see in the window ask for him."
"I can see most of them. Who's that tall handsome fellow grinning at me now?"
"Me," said Archie, smiling across at us.
"Go away," said Myra. "Gentlemen shouldn't eavesdrop. This is a perfectly private conversation."
"You've got a lady on each side of you," I said heatedly, "why don't you talk to them? It's simply scandalous that Myra and I can't get a moment to ourselves." ”

“ Then I looked at the back of my own ace of clubs. Then I looked at the front of it, and swore very softly, and played it.
"I'm very sorry," I began at the end of the game, "but——"
"Haven't we met before?" said Maud, with a smile.
I looked at her hard. "By Jove! Ethel!" I cried.
"My name's Millicent," said Maud, "and seeing that we met for the first time a few hours ago——"
"Yes, you were my first partner, 'Ethel.'"
"I'm sorry. Who is Ethel?"
"I beg your pardon," I apologised. "But I always call my first partner at progressive bridge Ethel. It's a sort of hobby with me." ”

“ Here we have a hot July afternoon, when all Nature is at peace, and the foreigner is taking his siesta. And what do we do? How do we English men and women spend this hot afternoon? Why, immediately after lunch, in one case even before the meal has been digested, we rush off to take part in some violent game like croquet. Hour after hour the play goes on relentlessly; there is no backing out on our part, no pleading for just five minutes in which to get our wind. ”

“ How many is that?"
"Eleven, isn't it?"
"It ought only to be ten," said Myra, who had overheard.
"Oh yes, I was counting Miss Blair," said Miss Fortescue.
"We never play more than ten a side," said Archie.
"Oh, why?"
"So as to give the scorer an extra line or two for the byes."
Myra laughed; then, catching my eye, looked preternaturally solemn.
"If you've quite finished breakfast, Mr Gaukrodger," she said, "there'll be just time for me to beat you at croquet before the Rabbits take the field." ”

“ If so, it was an extraordinary coincidence that my partner's name was Ethel. She herself swore it was Millicent, but I doubt if one can trust a woman in these matters. She looked just like an Ethel. I had never seen her before, I shall never see her again, but she will always be Ethel to me.
There is only one rule at progressive bridge, and that is, if you lose you go to the next table, and if you win you stay where you are. In any case you get a fresh partner each time. That being so, it seemed hardly worth while to ask Ethel what she discarded from. ”

“ Myra stood on a chair, looking lovely, but very lonely, and waited till we were silent.
"My dear good friends," she began, and then she caught Thomas's eye. "Hallo, Tommy," she said wistfully.... "My dear good friends, but why should you say I'm a jolly good fellow, when it isn't my birthday or anything? But how silly of you! Why, of course, we're all jolly good fellows—and jolly good actors too. It has been fun, hasn't it? ... Oh, Archie, dear.... I hope we shall all be here in the summer, don't you? ”

“ Myra curtsied prettily.
"And I'll go on with my whiskers. You haven't seen me in those yet, have you?" There was a loud noise without. "Here they are, coming in."
It was not the whiskers, however, but Archie and Thomas in full costume; Archie in green and Thomas in black.
"Hallo," said Archie, "I feel just like a conjuror."
"You look just like a grasshopper," said Thomas.
"My dear friend," said Archie, patting him kindly on his shoulder, "is that you? But you oughtn't to be here, you know. You came up the hot-water pipe, I suppose? ”

“ I said, "that chess is not a finer game even than solitaire."
"It's a finer game than cricket," said Bolton, putting his bishop back in the slips again.
"No," said the editor. "Cricket is the finest game in the world. For why? I will tell you."
"Thanks to the glorious uncertainty of our national pastime," began the journalist, from his next Monday's article.
"No, thanks to the fact that it is a game in which one can produce the maximum of effect with the minimum of skill. Take my own case. I am not a batsman, I shall never make ten runs in an innings, yet how few people realise that! ”

“ Is worth an age without a name."
"Archie!" shrieked Myra in horror. "It is too late," she added, "all the ladies have swooned."
We arranged sides. Myra and I and Simpson and Thomas against the others. They were to start first.
"This isn't simply hide-and-seek," said Archie, as they went off. "You've got to track us fairly. We shall probably 'blaze' door-posts. When you hear the bleat of a tinned sardine that means we're ready. Keep your eyes skinned, my hearties, and heaven defend the right."
"We ought to have bare knees really," said Myra, when they'd gone. "Boy scouts always do. ”

“ There are two sorts of butter, salt and fresh. Now, nobody is so fond of butter as I am; but butter (as I have often told everybody) isn't butter at all unless it is salt. The other kind is merely an inferior vaseline—the sort of thing you put on the axles of locomotives. Imagine, then, my disgust, when I took my first breakfast in these rooms eleven months ago, to find that the housekeeper had provided me with a large lump of vaseline!
I hate waste in small things. Take care of the little extravagances, I say, and the big ones will take care of themselves. ”

“ By the law of averages one must let go at the right moment at least once. Why not then at the first ball? And in the case of a person like myself, who has a very high action and a good mouth—I mean who has a very high delivery, such a ball (after a week of Simpsons and Archies) would be almost unplayable.
Very well then; I did let go at the right moment, but, unfortunately, I took off from the wrong crease. The umpire's cry of "No-ball" and the shattering of the Quidnunc's wicket occurred simultaneously.
"Good ball," said Archie. "Oh, bad luck!" ”

“ I said, "is also well. So is Miss Fortescue and so is Thomas. We are all well."
"I thought, perhaps——"
"No, there you are wrong."
"I expect it's just the heat and the excitement," said Dahlia, with a smile. "It takes some people like that."
"I'm afraid you miss our little parable," said Myra.
"We do. Come on, Dahlia."
"You'll pardon me, Archibald, but Miss Blair is dancing this with me."
Archie objected strongly, but I left, him with Myra, and took Miss Blair away. We sat on the stairs and thought.
"It has been a lovely week," said Dahlia.
"It has," I agreed. ”

“ If there is one thing I cannot stand, it is ingratitude. Take the case of Carey. Carey, you may remember, professed himself unable to play either bridge or chess; and as we had a three-hour journey before us it did not look as though he were going to have much of a time. However, Henry and I, thinking entirely of Carey's personal comfort, went to the trouble of buying him a solitaire board, with glass balls complete. ”

“ I said, "and I intensely dislike the name Archibald. Ninth wicket down!"
The umpire having called "Play," Joe, the postman, bounded up to the wicket and delivered the ball. Archie played forward with the easy confidence of a school professional when nobody is bowling to him. And then the leg-bail disappeared.
"Oh!" cried Dahlia. "He's out!"
I looked at her, and I looked at Archie's disconsolate back as he made for the pavilion; and I knew what he would want. I got up.
"I must go now," I said. "I've promised to sit on the heavy roller for a bit. Archie will be here in a moment. ”

“ I have just seen in an evening paper a picture of Mr Brown "with his pedigree goat." Somehow it had never occurred to me that a goat could have a pedigree; but I see now that it might be so. I think if I had to be a goat at all I should like to be a pedigree one. In a way, I suppose, every goat has a pedigree of some kind; but you would need to have a pretty distinguished one to be spoken of as a P.G. Your father, Charles, would need to have had some renown among the bearded ones; your great-uncle must have been of the blood. ”

“ At Hampstead, it may be, they have to meet on terms of equality, more or less; force of circumstances throws them together a good deal. But in town no collar of mine could be expected to keep up the acquaintance. "You knew me in the bath," I can imagine one of his monstrosities saying; and, "When I am in the bath I shall know you again," would be the dignified reply of my "16-Golf."
Collars trouble me a good deal one way or another. Whenever I buy a new dozen, all the others seem suddenly to have become old-fashioned in shape, and of the wrong size. ”

“ Why isn't my rat-catcher dressed?"
"He was waiting for his whiskers."
"That's perfectly absurd. You could have grown a pair in the time. Go and dress at once."
"I refuse to do anything till a quarter-past eight," I said. "If I get into my things now, all the atmosphere will have worn off by the time we begin."
"It's worn off me a long time ago," said Thomas dismally.
"And me," said Myra, with a shiver.
"Well, we're all very miserable," said Archie; "let's have a bottle of something. What? Oh, hush! Simpson, just ring the bell, and I'll show you a little conjuring trick. ”

“ Archie walked round and round me in silence for some time, and then went over to Thomas.
"He's playing tennis with me this evening," he began.
"I was beaten at billiards by him last night," said Thomas proudly.
"He's going to let me call him by his Christian name."
"They say he's an awfully good chap when you know him," replied Thomas.
I got another wicket with the last ball of the over, and then we had lunch. Myra was smiling all over her face when we came in, but beyond a "Well bowled, Walter" (which I believe to be Brearley's name) , would have nothing to do with me. ”

“ My team shall consist of three authors or journalists, two solicitors, four barristers, a couple from the Stock Exchange, some civil servants and an artist or two. How many is that?"
"Nineteen."
"Well, that's the idea, anyhow."
"It's a rotten idea."
"No, it's a splendid idea. I wonder nobody has thought of it before. I send a solicitor and a journalist in first. The journalist uses the long handle, while the solicitor plays for keeps."
"And where does the artist come in?"
"The artist comes in last, and plays for a draw. You are very slow to-day, Henry." ”

“ There was a considerable amount of applause on the part of the field, due, no doubt, to the feeling that a dangerous batsman had been dismissed without scoring. I need hardly add that I did not resent this appreciation.
What I really wished to say to the wicket-keeper was (1) that it was the first fast wicket I had played on this summer; (2) that it was my first nought this season, and, hang it, even Fry made noughts sometimes; and (3) that personally I always felt that it didn't matter what one made oneself so long as one's side was victorious. ”

“ The Major: "Well, not much cricket to-day, hey?"
Myra: "Oh dear, what a day!"
Miss Blair: "What a terrible day!"
Miss Fortescue: "Oh, you poor men—what a day!"
Thomas: "Rotten day, isn't it?"
Me: "Rotten day, isn't it?"
"I don't think much of Thomas's remark," I said.
Later on in the morning we met (all except the Major, that is) in the room which Myra calls hers and Archie calls the nursery, and tried to think of something to do.
"I'm not going to play bridge all day for anyone," said Archie.
"The host should lay himself out to amuse his guests," said Myra. ”

“ In the ordinary way I say to strangers: "Will you take a dish of tea with me?" but just in time Lady Grove had warned me that this was wrong. Left to myself I hit upon the word "find." "Can I find you some tea?" It gives the idea of pursuit. And the "or anything" rounds it off well—as much as to say, "If I should happen to come back with a sardine on toast, don't blame me."
I found some tea after a long struggle, but by that time I had lost the athlete. It was a pity, because I was going to have talked to her about Surrey's victory over Kent at ladies' hockey. ”

“ I asked confidently, as I prepared to continue my break.
"Oh, you're going over the crease," cried Myra.
I took my ball back an inch. "Will you tell me the score?" I said.
"Stevenson (in play) three; Inman, two. Inman's two were both wides."
Barely were the words out of her mouth when Inman's score was increased by a no-ball. A miss-cue they call it technically.
"Three all," said Myra. "This is awfully exciting. First one is ahead, and then the other."
"By the way, how many up are we playing?"
"Five, aren't you?" said Myra.
This roused Thomas. ”