A. A. Milne

“ Simpson backed nervously to the door.
"I saw the Coronation," I said at last, and I dropped back on my pillow and went to sleep.
. . . . . .
"I feel very important," said Archie, coming on to the lawn where Myra and I were playing a quiet game of bowls with the croquet balls. "I've been paying the wages."
"Archie and I do hate it so," said Dahlia. "I'm luckier, because I only pay mine once a month."
"It would be much nicer if they did it for love," said Archie, "and just accepted a tie-pin occasionally. I never know what to say when I hand a man eighteen-and-six." ”

“ If I play regularly this season will you promise to bring Baby to watch me?"
"Of course we shall both come."
"And you won't let Baby jeer at me if I'm bowled by a shooter."
"She won't know what a shooter is."
"Then you can tell her that it's the only ball that ever bowls father," said Jeremy. He put down the poker and took up a ball of wool. "I shall probably field somewhere behind the wicket-keeper, where the hottest drives don't come; but if I should miss a catch you must point out to her that the sun was in father's eyes. I want my child to understand the game as soon as possible." ”

“ When a younger son is cleaned out there is only one thing for him to do. Roger St Verax knew instinctively what it was. He bought a new silk hat and a short black coat, and went into the City.
What a wonderful place, dear reader, is the City! You, madam, who read this in your daintily upholstered boudoir, can know but little of the great heart of the City, even though you have driven through its arteries on your way to Liverpool Street Station, and have noted the bare and smoothly brushed polls of the younger natives. ”

“ THE CONTINENTAL MANNER OF course I should recognize Simpson anywhere, even at a masked ball. Besides, who but Simpson would go to a fancy-dress dance as a short-sighted executioner, and wear his spectacles outside his mask? But it was a surprise to me to see him there at all.
"Samuel," I said gravely, tapping him on the shoulder, "I shall have to write home about this."
He turned round with a start.
"Hallo!" he said eagerly. "How splendid! But, my dear old chap, why aren't you in costume?"
"I am," I explained. "I've come as an architect. ”

“ After lunch he took her on to the tennis lawn.
"There!" he said proudly, pointing to a cricket pitch beautifully cut and marked with a crease of dazzling white. "Doesn't that look jolly?"
"Heavenly," she said. "You must ask someone up to-morrow. You can get quite good practice here with these deep banks all round."
"Yes, I shall make a lot of runs this season," said Jeremy airily. "But, apart from practice, don't you FEEL how jolly and summery a cricket pitch makes everything?"
Mrs Jeremy took a deep breath. "Yes, there's nothing like a bucket of whitening to make you think of summer." ”

“ If one is lucky, one may get back in time for a waltz or two at the end.
"Indeed," I said, as we began to dance; "at one time to-night I quite thought I wasn't going to get back here at all."
THE THINGS THAT MATTER RONALD, surveying the world from his taxi—that pleasant corner of the world, St James's Park—gave a sigh of happiness. The blue sky, the lawn of daffodils, the mist of green upon the trees were but a promise of the better things which the country held for him. Beautiful as he thought the daffodils, he found for the moment an even greater beauty in the Gladstone bags at his feet. ”

“ The only thing I look forward to with any pleasure is the telling Dahlia and Myra at breakfast what I think of their cowardice. That and the breakfast itself. Good-bye."
I got up and waded into the surf.
"One last word," I said as I looked back at him. "In my whole career I shall never know a more absolutely beastly and miserable moment than this." Then a wave knocked me down, and I saw that I had spoken too hastily.
The world may be divided into two classes—those who drink when they swim and those who don't. I am one of the drinkers. For this reason I prefer river bathing to sea bathing. ”

“ Myra gurgled and drove us off.
"Put on all your medals and orders, Thomas," she called up the stairs; "and, Archie, it's a champagne night."
"I believe, old fellow," said Simpson, "she's married already."
Half an hour later we were all ready for the news.
"Just a moment, Myra," said Archie. "I'd better warn you that we're expecting a good deal, and that if you don't live up to the excitement you've created, you'll be stood in the corner for the rest of dinner."
"She's quite safe," said Dahlia. ”

“ As for myself I had to hand the Simpson yachting cap round, and my notice said—
"WE WANT YOUR MONEY. IF YOU CANNOT GIVE US ANY, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE KEEP THE CAP." We had an early dinner, so as to be in time to serenade our victims when they were finishing their own meal and feeling friendly to the world. Then we went upstairs and dressed. Dahlia and Myra had kimonos, Simpson put on his dressing-gown, in which he fancies himself a good deal, and Archie and I wore brilliantly-coloured pyjamas over our other clothes. ”

“ Myra got in a beautiful drive to within fifty yards of the circle.
"How many?" said the others, coming up excitedly.
"This is terrible," said Myra, putting her hand to her heart. "A hundred and—shall I tell them?—a—a—Oh, dear—a—hundredandthirtyeight."
"Golly," said Thomas, "you've got one for it. We did a hundred and forty."
"We did a hundred and forty-two," said Archie. "Close play at the
Oval."
"Oh," said Myra to me, "DO be careful. Oh, but no," she went on quickly, "I don't mind a bit really if we lose. It's only a game. ”

“ He will sit for twenty minutes opposite the garden bank, watching for a bumble-bee to come out of its hole. "I saw him go in," he says to himself, "so he's bound to come out. Extraordinarily interesting world." But to his inferiors (such as the gardener) he pretends that it is not pleasure but duty which keeps him. "Don't talk to me, fool. Can't you see that I've got a job on here?"
Chum has found, however, that his particular mission in life is to purge his master's garden of all birds. This keeps him busy. As soon as he sees a blackbird on the lawn he is in full cry after it. ”

“ If you like, I'll listen to you while you tell me who you think ought to play for England. I can't make it more summery for you than that. Unless roses are any good?"
"No, don't bother," I said in some disappointment; "you've done your best. We can't all have cuckoos any more than we can all have lobretias. I must come again in August, when one of the pioneers may have struggled here. Of course in Hampshire—"
"CUCK-OO," said somebody from the apple tree.
"There!" cried Miss Middleton. ”

“ On the other hand there must be annoying occasions when he starts out to strangle somebody and finds that he's pulling him out of the cistern."
"Why, how delightful, Mr Simpson," said Myra. "Do show us some more."
"Those are the most important ones. Then there are one or two fancy ones. Do you know the Monkey's Claw?"
"Don't touch it," said Archie solemnly. "It's poison."
"Oh, I must show you that."
Joe showed me the Monkey's Claw afterwards, and it is a beautiful thing, but it was not a bit like Simpson's. Simpson must have started badly, and I think he used too much rope. ”

“ THE YOUNGER SON It is a hard thing to be the younger son of an ancient but impoverished family. The fact that your brother Thomas is taking most of the dibs restricts your inheritance to a paltry two thousand a year, while pride of blood forbids you to supplement this by following any of the common professions. Impossible for a St Verax to be a doctor, a policeman or an architect. He must find some nobler means of existence.
For three years Roger St Verax had lived precariously by betting. To be a St Verax was always to be a sportsman. ”

“ If he is still alive and still talks about golf, why then, I won't say but what he mightn't be allowed to plan out a little course—or, at any rate, to do a little preliminary weeding."
"Good man," said Simpson.
"And if anybody else thinks he has given up cricket for ludo or croquet or oranges and lemons, then he can devote himself to planning out a little course for that too—or anyhow to removing a few plantains in preparation for it. In fact, ladies and gentlemen, all I want is for you to make yourselves as happy and as useful as you can."
"It's what you're here for," said Dahlia. ”

“ There was once a prince who was walking in a forest near his castle one day—that's how all the nice stories begin—and he suddenly came across a beautiful maiden, and he said to himself, 'I've lived here for years and years and years, and I've never seen her before, and I'm not sure whether her name is Katharine or Alice, or where her uncle was buried, and I've got a new surcoat on which doesn't match her wimple at all, so let's leave her and go home to lunch....' And THAT'S what it is to be one of the elect! ”

“ I said, "because I'm no good at all."
"Oh, I'm very good," said Myra.
"That looks as though I should have to play with—" "Simpson,"
"Thomas," said Thomas and Simpson together.
"You're all giving me a lot of trouble," said Archie, putting his pencil back in his pocket. "I've just written your names out neatly on little bits of paper, and now they're all wasted. You'll have to stick them on yourselves so that the spectators will know who you are as you whizz past." He handed his bits of paper round and went in for his clubs. ”

“ I flatter myself that the taint of newness has now been dispelled."
"I was sure it was you," said Myra. "How do you get the water right up the walls?"
"Easily. Further, Archie, if you want any suggestions as to how to improve the place, our ideas are at your disposal."
"For instance," said Thomas, "where do we play cricket?"
"By the way, you fellows," announced Simpson, "I've given up playing cricket."
We all looked at him in consternation.
"Do you mean you've given up BOWLING?" said Dahlia, with wide-open eyes.
"Aren't you ever going to walk to the wickets again?" asked Blair. ”

“ II.—BECALMED "Well," said Dahlia, giving up the tiller with a sigh, "if this is all that you and Joe can do in the way of a breeze, you needn't have worried."
"Don't blame the crew," said Archie nobly, "he did his best. He sat up all night whistling."
"ARE we moving?" asked Myra, from a horizontal position on the shady side of the mainsail.
"We are not," I said, from a similar position on the sunny side.
"Let's get out."
Simpson took off his yachting cap and fanned himself with a nautical almanac. "How far are we from anywhere?" he asked cheerfully.
"Miles," said Archie. ”

“ His way of sitting, a reproachful statue, motionless outside the window of whomever he wants to come out and play with him—until you can bear it no longer, but must either go into the garden or draw down the blinds for the day; his habit, when you ARE out, of sitting up on his back legs and begging you with his front paws to come and DO something—a trick entirely of his own invention, for no one would think of teaching him anything; his funny nautical roll when he walks, which is nearly a swagger, and gives him always the air of having just come back from some rather dashing adventure ”

“ I confessed. "It wasn't really so much to see the lobretias as to hear the cuckoo that I came to have tea with you. I feel just the same about it; it's the beginning of everything. And I said to myself, 'Miss Middleton may not have a first-rate show of lobretias, because possibly it is an unfavourable soil for them, or they may not fit in with the colour scheme; but she does know what is essential to a proper garden, and she'll have a cuckoo.'"
"Yes, we do ourselves very well," said Miss Middleton confidently. ”

“ On the other hand, we are quite close to the sea."
"You will never see your friends again, Simpson. They will miss you ... at first ... perhaps; but they will soon forget. The circulation of the papers that you wrote for will go up, the brindled bull-pup will be fed by another and a smaller hand, but otherwise all will be as it was before."
My voice choked, and at the same moment something whizzed past me into the sea.
"Yachting cap overboard! Help!" cried Myra.
"You aren't in The Spectator office now, Simpson," said Archie severely, as he fished with the boat-hook. ”

“ May I have some more tea, Miss
Mannering?"
"Call me Myra, Scoutmaster Simpson of The Spectator troop, and you shall."
"I blush for my unblushing sex," said Dahlia.
"I blush for my family," said Archie. "That a young girl of gentle birth, nurtured in a peaceful English home, brought up in an atmosphere of old-world courtesy, should so far forget herself as to attempt to wheedle a promising young scoutmaster, who can light a fire, practically speaking, backwards—this, I repeat, is too much."
It was Thomas who changed the subject so abruptly. ”

“ Myra went to the window again, and came back with the news that it would probably be a fine evening.
"Thank you," we all said.
"But I wasn't just making conversation. I have an idea."
"Silence for Myra's idea."
"Well, it's this. If we can't do anything without an audience, and if the audience won't come to us, let's go to them."
"Be a little more lucid, there's a dear. It isn't that we aren't trying."
"Well then, let's serenade the other houses about here to-night."
There was a powerful silence while everybody considered this.
"Good," said Archie at last. "We will." ”

“ Simpson went forward to consult Joe, and came back with enough to hang himself with. He sat down opposite to us, wrapped the rope once round his waist, and then beamed at us over his spectacles.
"Now supposing you had fallen down a well," he began, "and I let this rope down to you, what would you do with YOUR end?"
We thought deeply for a moment.
"I should wait until you were looking over the edge, and then give it a sharp jerk," said Archie.
"One MUST have company in a well," I agreed.
"They're being silly again," apologized Myra. "Tell ME, Mr Simpson! ”

“ We gave up our seats to the ladies (even in a boat one should be polite) and from a position in the stern waited with turned-up coat-collars for the water to come on board.
"We might have sailed up a little higher," remarked Simpson. "It's all right, I'm not a bit wet, thanks."
"It's too shallow, except at high tide," said Myra. "The Armadillo would have gone aground and lost all her—her shell. Do armadilloes have shells, or what?"
"Feathers."
"Well, we're a pretty good bank-holiday crowd for the dinghy," said Archie. "Simpson, if we upset, save the milk and the sandwiches; my wife can swim." ”