Augustus Mayhew

“ Edward’s stinginess, and continual declarations that he was being ruined, to paper up the drawing-room blinds, and shut up all the shutters in front, to make believe that I was either at Paris, or Margate; while all the while I was living at the back of the house, very nearly in the dark, and like a vegetable had grown so white from mere want of light, that, positively, my face had no more colour in it than a potatoe-shoot in a coal-cellar. ”

“ When the wretch came to me, he told me he was a confirmed bachelor; but his livery, though shamefully spotted was not half worn out, when, to my horror, I discovered that the brute was a hopeless, inextricable Benedict, with not only a fond wife to support—out of my larder, drat her!—but no less than seven little incumbrances to bring up—on my cold meat, hang ’em! As a woman, of course, I’m for universal matrimony all over the world—though with regard to those necessary evils called servants, I must confess, I am of a totally different opinion. ”

“ We took apartments in Rottendean, near Brighton, so that we might be able to enjoy the beauty and fashion of the town, with all the quietude of the village. Here it was that Edward cemented the love he had now built up in my heart, by the present of a work-box, with a charmingly-done picture of the extremely elegant Pavilion on the lid.
Well do I remember that precious time, when, arm-in-arm, we would wander, for whole hours together, in our buff slippers, along the golden sands, talking (alas! blind mortals) of the happiness which we thought was never to end. ”

“ Edward only laughed at me for my suspicions, and called me a stupid woman, and pooh-poohed me in a most unfeeling manner. But the worst of it was, that though he assured me he knew the disposition of Norah Connor better than I did, still everything conspired to convince me that I was a doomed woman—for the very day dear mother had filled my mind with the horrid idea, I declare, if I didn’t knock down the looking-glass off the dressing-room table and break it all to shivers, which of course fully persuaded me that a death must shortly occur in the family. ”

“ I shrieked, and, saying no more, I rushed down stairs, when, sure enough, there I found that hairy brute of a Carlo of ours rolled up in one of the Witneys belonging to my baby’s bassinet, and, kicking away as if it were half stifled. “Oh, you good-for-nothing bit of goods!” I exclaimed—“how dare you, Emma, ever tell me such an abominable falsehood, as that you used to do a dog in a blanket every night at your last mistress’s!—oh! you wicked story, you!”
“I’m nothing of the kind, mum, and it’s the plain truth!” ”

“ Toosypegs seemed to agree with everybody; so that I could not tell what on earth to do. Every day at dinner there was a regular fight at my bedside; for mother would insist upon my just taking a mouthful of the lean of a mutton-chop that she had cooked for me, while Mrs. Yapp declared that it would be the death of me, and would stand begging and praying of me to try a spoonful or two of her nice gruel—so, between the two, I couldn’t get either any rest or food, for they neither would allow me to touch what the other recommended. ”

“ As I went up stairs, I was all of a tremble, and couldn’t keep the candle steady for fright, for I could hear the beast flying about the room, and swearing away like a mad thing, as he was. The very moment I opened the door, he flew at me, for all the world as if he had been a young tiger, and dug his claws (which, I can assure my readers, were just like so many darning needles) so deep into me, that I gave a loud scream, and, letting the night-candlestick fall, I flew down stairs in the dark, with the brute clinging fast to my night-dress. ”

“ Really, when I came to turn it over in my mind, it was such heavenly weather that, upon my word, it seemed to me like a sin to go shutting oneself up in those close first and second class carriages, with a set of old molly-coddles, that will have all the windows up, when for half or even a quarter of the money that one is obliged to pay for being stifled alive, one can have all the advantage of travelling in an open carriage, and breathing that beautiful, pure, and balmy country air, which, to a person living in such a smoky place as London, is positively beyond all price. ”

“ Either I must have my little cherub catching the expression of some common-looking servant girl, or else, if I had a decent-looking maid, with a pleasant face of her own for the little chick to look at, then I must be plagued to death by a pack of idle vagabonds of young men, always dancing at her heels wherever she went, and the girl looking after them instead of my little lamb. Then I used to send her out, like a stupid, into the Regent’s Park, for what I fancied was an airing for the child. ”

“ Bless us and save us! if the stuck-up thing hadn’t got on a fly-a-way starched-out imitation Balzorine gown, of a bright ultramarine, picked out with white flowers—with a double skirt, too, made like a tunic, and looking so grand, (though one could easily see that it could not possibly have cost more than six-and-six—if that, indeed,) and drat her impudence! if she hadn’t on each side of her head got a bunch of long ringlets, like untwisted bell-ropes, hanging half way down to her waist, and a blonde-lace cap, with cherry-coloured rosettes, and streamers flying about nearly a yard long ”

“ Faith, an’ the masther hisself will say that!”
“I cannot deny it,” returned Edward; “and, indeed, it is solely on that account, Norah, that I speak to you in the temperate manner I am at present doing; for I know that it is the character of your nation to be touched by a kind word, while you are only enraged by a harsh one.”
“Faith, an’ that’s what we are,” cried the woman, who really looked as if she was going out of her wits on the spot. “An’ blessings on the masther who said that same. An’ by the powers, it isn’t Norah that’ll be the dirty blaggeard ever to lave him as long as she lives.” ”

“ When my mother found that I was determined not to have anything more to do with Miss Norah, she said that if I chose to let the fury remain in the house, I must abide by the consequences, and that if the spiteful creature poisoned the whole family, I must not blame her. Indeed, the woman was clearly so mad about leaving, that mother would stake her existence that it wouldn’t be long before the vixen gave us such a dose of arsenic—either in the pudding, the soup, or the vegetables, or something—as would put a miserable end to both Edward and myself. ”

“ I’m sure if Edward had only looked at poor Mary’s love of tippling with a proper spirit, he would have seen that it was not so much for a body to stomach after all, and that perhaps the love of drink, bad as it is, is but a trifling vice as compared with the love of tobacco—to which my husband, I regret to say, is a disgusting martyr. ”

“ In fact, I’ve made up my opinion long ago, that gardening in the suburbs of London is a wicked and wilful waste of time and money. Really and truly the whole atmosphere of the place is so dreadfully smokey, that, without joking, one might just as well try to rear cauliflowers all round the top of a steam-boat funnel, as to think of getting one’s vegetables out of a metropolitan hop-skip-and-a-jump kitchen garden. ”

“ Nothing on earth would have given me greater pleasure than to have taken my darling good mother with me, as I knew it would do her so much good; but then she always will dress so funny, and I felt convinced that, as matters stood, it would not be safe to trust the dear old soul with Edward a whole afternoon in a shut-up fly, or they would be certain to get to high words again, and then I should never forgive myself. ”

“ To which she replied, as familiarly as if she were speaking to the servant next door, “Well, by my sowl, when I heard you ask me if I’d let you have that same, I thought you mighty stupid at the time. An’ what is it you do want, then, mavourneen?”
“Why,” I returned, in measured terms, remembering my station, “I want what I told you before, as plainly as a person could speak—a glass of water.”
“Well, then,” she cried, “by the powers! if I were you, I’d get it! Isn’t there plenty down stairs, honey?” ”

“ Upon my word, the Life Guardsmen there are so frightfully handsome, that they ought not to be allowed by Government to wander at large in those fascinating red jackets, and with those large jet-black mustachios of theirs, sticking out on each side of their face, just like two sticks of Spanish liquorice—nor be permitted to go about as they do, breaking, or at least cracking, the hearts of all the poor servant-girls in the neighbourhood, as if they were so much crockery. ”

“ When the rhubarb was coming in, too, really it was quite heart-rending. I declare, he wouldn’t let me eat a spoonful of it, though I had gone to the expense of two shillings, like a silly, to buy as beautiful a bundle as I think I ever set eyes on in all my life, and which positively quite made my mouth water when I saw it at the greengrocer’s, it looked such a picture. And the worst of it all was, I had fixed my mind on it so, (for, to tell the truth, it’s a favourite dish of mine,) that I only eat half a dinner, so as to be able to do justice to the lovely large tart I had made. ”

“ As for the antics of that young Wittals, too, I declare they were enough to worry any peaceably disposed woman into Bedlam. Not a thing could he do like a rational creature; but I declare the young Turk was frisking about the house like a parched pea in a pan, and running in and out like a dog at a fair. If he had to go up stairs for anything, instead of walking down again like a Christian, he must needs get astride the mahogany banisters, and slide down like a monkey. ”

“ Though with respect to my Emma, her abominable stupidity was so hard to bear with, that at times, upon my word, it was as much as ever I could do to keep myself from flying out at her, and giving it her soundly. Often and often have I been forced to have a hard battle with myself, to prevent myself from shaking her well, and trying to knock something like sense into the stupid’s brain. It’s all very well for a pack of self-conceited men to say “that a good woman has no head.” ”

“ All I can say is, my love, that if you had not been a perfect angel, you would have packed up your things, and left the ungrateful monster long ago. But I can see what he is after, my dear; he wont rest easy until he has fidgetted you into an early grave; for I see as plainly as plainly can be, that you are fast giving way under it, and that your appetite is not half as good as it used to be, and that unless you take as much strengthening food as you possibly can, the wretch will break your heart chip by chip before he has done with you. ”

“ And thus ended my acquaintance with Miss Emma, and I very naturally made a vow that the next woman I had in my service should have some little learning in her head, at least. Though positively, it was only jumping out of the frying-pan into the fire, for when the other creature came in she was, if possible, harder to put up with than the good-for-nothing hussey that I had just turned out of the house. Bless us and save us! if her head wasn’t crammed brim full of trumpery penny novels and rubbishing romantic melo-dramas. ”

“ Indeed, the trials of us poor, dear, confiding Women form a sad—sad history; and, Goodness knows! that the humble individual who is now addressing the courteous Reader has had her share of worldly troubles to bear up against. What I have suffered in my time few would believe, and none but myself can tell. In fact, if I had not had a very fine constitution of my own, my frame must have given way under it,—for I am sure the heart-rending ordeals that I have been condemned to go through with—in a word, the overwhelming—but more of this hereafter. ”

“ One morning, however, as Edward was going out, he met one on the door-step, and sent her into the parlour to me. She was a tall, strong, big-boned, clean-looking, tidy, and respectable ugly woman, and looked as if she wasn’t afraid of work: so with my usual quick-sightedness l saw at a glance that she was just the person to suit me. When I asked her what her name was, she answered, with a curtsey, and a peculiar twang that was far from agreeable: “Norah Connor, sure.” ”

“ I rushed to the top of the kitchen stairs, and cried out, “Good heavens, Duffy! what’s that?” when I declare if he hadn’t the coolness to answer, “It’s only me, mum, a breaking the plates and dishes.” I tore down to the pantry, and told him I’d have him punished; and then, of course, it was, his “foot had slipped, and I couldn’t punish him for a mere accident.” “Accident, indeed!” I said to myself, as I marched up stairs again, “oh, yes! it’s one of those many precious accidents which, even in the best regulated families, are done on purpose.” ”

“ And upon my word, I had only just got my new nurse in, and my little toodle-loodle-lumpties (if I may be allowed so strong an expression) was only just beginning to take its food nicely, when, lo and behold, if that Easter Sunday didn’t pop round upon me! I never knew such a price as gooseberries were—three-and-sixpence for a little tiddy basketful, scarcely enough for one person; and Edward is such a pig at pastry, especially if it’s short crust; though I take good care always to make it flakey. ”