Ben Jonson

“ Sir, I take you for an honest gentleman, if that be mistaking; I met you to-day afore: ha! humph! O Lord! my purse is gone, my purse, my purse, my purse!
Waspe. Come do not make a stir, and cry yourself an ass thorough the Fair afore your time.
Cokes. Why, hast thou it, Numps? good Numps, how came you by it, I marle?
Waspe. I pray you seek some other gamester to play the fool with; you may lose it time enough, for all your Fair wit.
Cokes. By this good hand, glove and all, I have lost it already if thou hast it not; feel else, and mistress Grace’s handkerchief too, out of the t’other pocket. ”

“ Cokes. Well said, resolute Numps! but hark you, friend, where’s the friendship all this while between my drum Damon, and my pipe Pythias?
Leath. You shall see by and by, sir.
Cokes. You think my hobby-horse is forgotten too; no, I’ll see them all enact before I go; I shall not know which to love best else.
Knock. This gallant has interrupting vapours, troublesome vapours; Whit, puff with him.
Whit. No, I pree dee, captain, let him alone; he is a child, i’faith, la.
Leath. Now, gentles, to the friends, who in number are two,
And lodged in that ale-house in which fair Hero does do. ”

“ Enter QUARLOUS, in TROUBLEALL’S clothes, followed by Dame PURECRAFT.
Quar. I have made myself as like him, as his gown and cap will give me leave.
Pure. Sir, I love you, and would be glad to be mad with you in truth.
Winw. How! my widow in love with a madman?
Pure. Verily, I can be as mad in spirit as you.
Quar. By whose warrant? leave your canting. Gentlewoman, have I found you? [To mistress Grace.] save ye, quit ye, and multiply ye! Where’s your book? ’twas a sufficient name I mark’d, let me see’t, be not afraid to shew’t me. ”

“ Now, Wit, help at a pinch, good Wit, come, come, good Wit, an it be thy will! I have it, Win, I have it i’faith, and ’tis a fine one. Win, long to eat of a pig, sweet Win, in the Fair, do you see, in the heart of the Fair, not at Pye-corner. Your mother will do any thing, Win, to satisfy your longing, you know; pray thee long presently; and be sick o’ the sudden, good Win. I’ll go in and tell her; cut thy lace in the mean time, and play the hypocrite, sweet Win. ”

“ I have lost myself, and my cloke, and my hat, and my fine sword, and my sister, and Numps, and mistress Grace, a gentlewoman that I should have married, and a cut-work handkerchief she gave me, and two purses, to-day; and my bargain of hobby-horses and gingerbread, which grieves me worst of all.
Tro. By whose warrant, sir, have you done all this?
Cokes. Warrant! thou art a wise fellow indeed: as if a man need a warrant to lose any thing with.
Tro. Yes, justice Overdo’s warrant, a man may get and lose with, I’ll stand to’t. ”

“ Enter COKES, Mistress OVERDO, and GRACE WELLBORN, followed by WASPE, loaded with toys.
Cokes. Come, mistress Grace, come, sister, here’s more fine sights yet, i’faith. Od’s ’lid, where’s Numps?
Leath. What do you lack, gentlemen? what is’t you buy? fine rattles, drums, babies, little dogs, and birds for ladies? what do you lack?
Cokes. Good honest Numps, keep afore, I am so afraid thou’lt lose somewhat; my heart was at my mouth, when I mist thee.
Waspe. You were best buy a whip in your hand to drive me.
Cokes. Nay, do not mistake, Numps; thou art so apt to mistake! ”

“ Heart, what ha’ you to do? cannot a man quarrel in quietness, but he must be put out on’t by you! what are you?
Bri. Why, we be his majesty’s watch, sir.
Waspe. Watch! ’sblood, you are a sweet watch indeed. A body would think, an you watch’d well a nights, you should be contented to sleep at this time a day. Get you to your fleas and your flock-beds, you rogues, your kennels, and lie down close.
Bri. Down! yes, we will down, I warrant you: down with him, in his majesty’s name, down, down with him, and carry him away to the pigeon-holes. ”

“ O, is that all, Win? we’ll go back to captain Jordan, to the pig-woman’s, Win, he’ll help us, or she, with a dripping-pan, or an old kettle, or something. The poor greasy soul loves you, Win; and after we’ll visit the Fair all over, Win, and see my puppet-play, Win; you know it’s a fine matter, Win. ”

“ Leath. Cry you mercy, sir; will you buy a fiddle to fill up your noise?
Re-enter LITTLEWIT and his Wife.
Lit. Look, Win, do, look a God’s name, and save your longing. Here be fine sights.
Pure. Ay, child, so you hate them, as our brother Zeal does, you may look on them.
Leath. Or what do you say to a drum, sir?
Busy. It is the broken belly of the beast, and thy bellows there are his lungs, and these pipes are his throat, those feathers are of his tail, and thy rattles the gnashing of his teeth.
Trash. And what’s my gingerbread, I pray you?
Busy. The provender that pricks him up. ”

“ Sir, I love you, and yet I do not love you in these fooleries: set your heart at rest, there’s nothing in it but hard words;—and what would you see it for?
Cokes. I would see the length and the breadth on’t, that’s all; and I will see it now, so I will.
Waspe. You shall not see it here.
Cokes. Then I’ll see it at home, and I’ll look upon the case here.
Waspe. Why, do so; a man must give way to him a little in trifles, gentlemen. These are errors, diseases of youth; which he will mend when he comes to judgment and knowledge of matters. ”

“ Cos. Good gentlemen, my ware, my ware; I am a poor man. Good sir, my ware.
Night. Let me hold your sword, sir, it troubles you.
Cokes. Do, and my cloke an thou wilt, and my hat too.
Edg. A delicate great boy! methinks he out-scrambles them all. I cannot persuade myself, but he goes to grammar-school yet, and plays the truant to-day.
Night. Would he had another purse to cut, Zekiel.
Edg. Purse! a man might cut out his kidneys, I think, and he never feel ’em, he is so earnest at the sport. ”

“ While they are paying the reckoning, Win, I’ll tell you a thing, Win; we shall never see any sights in the Fair, Win, except you long still, Win: good Win, sweet Win, long to see some hobby-horses, and some drums, and rattles, and dogs, and fine devices, Win. The bull with the five legs, Win; and the great hog. Now you have begun with pig, you may long for any thing, Win, and so for my motion, Win. ”

“ Mar my market, thou too-proud pedlar! do thy worst, I defy thee, I, and thy stable of hobby-horses. I pay for my ground, as well as thou dost: an thou wrong’st me, for all thou art parcel-poet, and an inginer, I’ll find a friend shall right me, and make a ballad of thee, and thy cattle all over. Are you puft up with the pride of your wares? your arsedine?
Leath. Go to, old Joan, I’ll talk with you anon; and take you down too, afore justice Overdo: he is the man must charm you, I’ll have you in the Pie-poudres. ”

“ Look who’s there, sirrah: five shillings a pig is my price, at least; if it be a sow pig, sixpence more; if she be a great-bellied wife, and long for’t, sixpence more for that.
Over. O tempora! O mores! I would not have lost my discovery of this one grievance, for my place, and worship o’ the bench. How is the poor subject abused here! Well, I will fall in with her, and with her Mooncalf, and win out wonders of enormity. [Comes forward.] —By thy leave, goodly woman, and the fatness of the Fair, oily as the king’s constable’s lamp, and shining as his shooing-horn! ”

“ Tro. Sir, I’ll tell you; go you thither yourself first alone, tell your worshipful brother your mind, and but bring me three lines of his hand, or his clerk’s, with Adam Overdo underneath, (here I’ll stay you,) I’ll obey you, and I’ll guide you presently.
Cokes. ’Slid, this is an ass, I have found him: pox upon me, what do I talking to such a dull fool! farewell! you are a very coxcomb, do you hear?
Tro. I think I am; if justice Overdo sign to it, I am, and so we are all: he’ll quit us all, multiply us all. ”

“ Look not toward them, hearken not; the place is Smithfield, or the field of smiths, the grove of hobby-horses and trinkets, the wares are the wares of devils, and the whole Fair is the shop of Satan: they are hooks and baits, very baits, that are hung out on every side, to catch you, and to hold you, as it were, by the gills, and by the nostrils, as the fisher doth; therefore you must not look nor turn toward them.—The heathen man could stop his ears with wax against the harlot of the sea; do you the like with your fingers against the bells of the beast. ”

“ Nay, I’ll not offend you, Numps; I thought you had sat there to be seen.
Waspe. And to be sold, did you not? pray you mind your business, an you have any.
Quar. Cry you mercy, Numps; does your leg lie high enough?
Enter HAGGISE.
Bri. How now, neighbour Haggise, what says justice Overdo’s worship to the other offenders?
Hag. Why, he says just nothing; what should he say, or where should he say? He is not to be found, man; he has not been seen in the Fair here all this live-long day, never since seven a clock i’ the morning. His clerks know not what to think on’t. ”

“ Only pig was not comprehended in my admonition, the rest were: for long hair, it is an ensign of pride, a banner; and the world is full of those banners, very full of banners. And bottle-ale is a drink of Satan’s, a diet-drink of Satan’s, devised to puff us up, and make us swell in this latter age of vanity; as the smoke of tobacco, to keep us in mist and error: but the fleshly woman, which you call Ursla, is above all to be avoided, having the marks upon her of the three enemies of man; the world, as being in the Fair; the devil, as being in the fire ”

“ Enter Rabbi BUSY, Dame PURECRAFT, JOHN LITTLEWIT, and Mrs. LITTLEWIT.
Busy. So, walk on in the middle way, fore-right, turn neither to the right hand nor to the left; let not your eyes be drawn aside with vanity, nor your ear with noises.
Quar. O, I know him by that start.
Leath. What do you lack, what do you buy, mistress? a fine hobby-horse, to make your son a tilter? a drum to make him a soldier? a fiddle to make him a reveller? what is’t you lack? little dogs for your daughters? or babies, male or female? ”

“ Good Win, go a little, I would fain see thee pace, pretty Win; by this fine cap, I could never leave kissing on’t.
Mrs. Lit. Come indeed la, you are such a fool still!
Lit. No, but half a one, Win, you are the t’other half: man and wife make one fool, Win. Good! Is there the proctor, or doctor indeed, in the diocese, that ever had the fortune to win him such a Win! There I am again! I do feel conceits coming upon me, more than I am able to turn tongue to. A pox o’ these pretenders to wit! ”

“ Ay, we know you are a suitor, sir; Win and I both wish you well: By this license here, would you had her, that your two names were as fast in it as here are a couple! Win would fain have a fine young father-i’-law, with a feather; that her mother might hood it and chain it with mistress Overdo. But you do not take the right course, master Winwife.
Winw. No, master Littlewit, why?
Lit. You are not mad enough.
Winw. How! is madness a right course?
Lit. I say nothing, but I wink upon Win. You have a friend, one master Quarlous, comes here sometimes.
Winw. Why, he makes no love to her, does he? ”

“ And then for Kindheart the tooth-drawer, a fine oily pig-woman with her tapster, to bid you welcome, and a consort of roarers for musick. A wise justice of peace meditant, instead of a juggler with an ape. A civil cutpurse searchant. A sweet singer of new ballads allurant: and as fresh an hypocrite, as ever was broached, rampant. If there be never a servant-monster in the fair, who can help it, he says, nor a nest of antiques? he is loth to make nature afraid in his plays, like those that beget tales, tempests, and such-like drolleries, to mix his head with other men’s heels ”

“ Quar. Out upon her, how she drips! she’s able to give a man the sweating sickness with looking on her.
Urs. Marry look off, with a patch on your face, and a dozen in your breech, though they be of scarlet, sir. I have seen as fine outsides as either of yours, bring lousy linings to the brokers, ere now, twice a week.
Quar. Do you think there may be a fine new cucking-stool in the Fair, to be purchased; one large enough, I mean? I know there is a pond of capacity for her.
Urs. For your mother, you rascal! Out, you rogue, you hedge-bird, you pimp, you pannier-man’s bastard, you! ”

“ Youth, youth, thou had’st better—The rat-catchers’ charms are all fools and asses to this: a pox on them, that they will not come! that a man should have such a desire to a thing, and want it!
Quar. ’Fore God I’d give half the Fair, an ’twere mine, for a cut-purse for him, to save his longing.
Cokes. Look you, sister [shews his purse again] , here, here, where is’t now? which pocket is’t in, for a wager?
Waspe. I beseech you leave your wagers, and let him end his matter, an’t may be.
Cokes. O, are you edified, Numps!
Over. Indeed he does interrupt him too much: there Numps spoke to purpose. ”

“ Master Lantern, that gives light to the business.
Cokes. In good time, sir! I would fain see them, I would be glad to drink with the young company; which is the tiring-house?
Leath. Troth, sir, our tiring-house is somewhat little; we are but beginners yet, pray pardon us; you cannot go upright in’t.
Cokes. No! not now my hat is off? what would you have done with me, if you had had me feather and all, as I was once to-day? Have you none of your pretty impudent boys now, to bring stools, fill tobacco, fetch ale, and beg money, as they have at other houses? ”

“ Cokes. A fine similitude that, sir! did you see the pan?
Edg. Yes, sir.
Over. Nay, the hole in the nose here of some tobacco-takers, or the third nostril, if I may so call it, which makes that they can vent the tobacco out, like the ace of clubs, or rather the flower-de-lis, is caused from the tobacco, the mere tobacco! when the poor innocent pox, having nothing to do there, is miserably and most unconscionably slandered.
Cokes. Who would have missed this, sister?
Mrs. Over. Not any body but Numps.
Cokes. He does not understand.
Edg. [picks Cokes’s pocket of his purse.] Nor you feel. ”

“ Thirty pound a week in bottle-ale! forty in tobacco! and ten more in ale again. Then for a suit to drink in, so much, and, that being slaver’d, so much for another suit, and then a third suit, and a fourth suit! and still the bottle-ale slavereth, and the tobacco stinketh.
Waspe. Heart of a madman! are you rooted here? will you never away? what can any man find out in this bawling fellow, to grow here for? He is a full handful higher sin’ he heard him. Will you fix here, and set up a booth, sir? ”