Bernard Shaw

“ AUGUSTUS. Oh, that!
THE LADY.—she will resort to fraud, to force, to anything. She will burgle your office: she will have you attacked and garotted at night in the street.
AUGUSTUS. Pooh! I'm not afraid.
THE LADY. Oh, your courage will only tempt you into danger. She may get the list after all. It is true that the guns are moved. But she would win her bet.
AUGUSTUS [cautiously] . You did not say that the guns were moved. You said that Blueloo had ordered them to be moved. ”

“ AUGUSTUS. Well, upon my soul! You are not ashamed to stand there and confess yourself a disgusting drunkard.
THE CLERK. Well, what of it? We're at war now; and everything's changed. Besides, I should lose my job here if I stood drinking at the bar. I'm a respectable man and must buy my drink and take it home with me. And they won't serve me with less than a quart. If you'd told me before the war that I could get through a quart of whisky in a day, I shouldn't have believed you. That's the good of war: it brings out powers in a man that he never suspected himself capable of. ”

“ AUGUSTUS. You mean it was a real gun, and actually went off. How sad! how sad! [He pushes the sham list back into the envelope, and pockets it.]
THE LADY. Ah! [Great sigh of relief] . And now, Lord Augustus, I have taken up too much of your valuable time. Goodbye.
AUGUSTUS. What! Must you go?
THE LADY. You are so busy.
AUGUSTUS. Yes; but not before lunch, you know. I never can do much before lunch. And I'm no good at all in the afternoon. From five to six is my real working time. Must you really go? ”

“ AUGUSTUS. It would be strange indeed if, after sitting on thirty-seven Royal Commissions, mostly as chairman, I had not mastered the art of public expression. Even the Radical papers have paid me the high compliment of declaring that I am never more impressive than when I have nothing to say.
THE LADY. I never read the Radical papers. All I can tell you is that what we women admire in you is not the politician, but the man of action, the heroic warrior, the beau sabreur. ”

“ Fortunately we have strong heads, we Highcastles. Nothing has ever penetrated to our brains.
THE LADY. How thrilling! How simple! And how tragic! But you will forgive England? Remember: England! Forgive her.
AUGUSTUS [with gloomy magnanimity] . It will make no difference whatever to my services to my country. Though she slay me, yet will I, if not exactly trust in her, at least take my part in her government. I am ever at my country's call. ”

“ AUGUSTUS. The great advantage of being at war, madam, is that nobody takes the slightest notice of the House of Commons. No doubt it is sometimes necessary for a Minister to soothe the more seditious members of that assembly by giving a pledge or two; but the War Office takes no notice of such things.
THE LADY [staring at him] . Then you think this list of gun emplacements doesn't matter!!
AUGUSTUS. By no means, madam. It matters very much indeed. If this spy were to obtain possession of the list, Blueloo would tell the story at every dinner-table in London ”

“ AUGUSTUS [all attention] . Yes?
THE LADY. She is a German. A Hun.
AUGUSTUS. Yes, yes. She would be. Continue.
THE LADY. She is my sister-in-law.
AUGUSTUS [deferentially] . I see you are well connected, madam. Proceed.
THE LADY. Need I add that she is my bitterest enemy?
AUGUSTUS. May I— [he proffers his hand. They shake, fervently. From this moment onward Augustus becomes more and more confidential, gallant, and charming.]
THE LADY. Quite so. Well, she is an intimate friend of your brother at the War Office, Hungerford Highcastle, Blueloo as you call him, I don't know why. ”

“ THE CLERK [rushing back and facing him] . Who are you calling a pro-German?
AUGUSTUS. Another word, and I charge you under the Act with discouraging me. Go.
The clerk blenches and goes out, cowed.
The telephone rings.
AUGUSTUS [taking up the telephone receiver.] Hallo. Yes: who are you?... oh, Blueloo, is it?... Yes: there's nobody in the room: fire away. What?... A spy!... A woman!... Yes: brought it down with me. Do you suppose I'm such a fool as to let it out of my hands? Why, it gives a list of all our anti-aircraft emplacements from Ramsgate to Skegness. ”

“ AUGUSTUS. What! You mean to tell me that when the lives of the gallant fellows in our trenches, and the fate of the British Empire, depend on our keeping up the supply of shells, you are wasting money on sweeping the streets?
THE CLERK. We have to. We dropped it for a while; but the infant death rate went up something frightful.
AUGUSTUS. What matters the death rate of Little Pifflington in a moment like this? Think of our gallant soldiers, not of your squalling infants.
THE CLERK. If you want soldiers you must have children. You can't buy em in boxes, like toy soldiers. ”

“ I still carry the flattened projectile as a trophy [he throws it on the table; the noise it makes testifies to its weight] . Had it penetrated to the brain I might never have sat on another Royal Commission. ”

“ If you had a German brother-in-law, madam, you would know that nothing else in the world produces so strong an anti-German feeling. Life affords no keener pleasure than finding a brother-in-law's name in the German casualty list. ”